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A Boy Named Amelia


We went through a phase a couple of months ago, in which my middle son, Alex, decided that showing off his penis was hilarious. I mean it kinda is hilarious, but you know, having him walk around with it hanging out to receive the express reaction he was looking for: “Alex, PUT AWAY YOUR PENIS,” led to other problems.

And not just the development of MORE grey hair.

No, now my daughter believes that she, too, has a penis.

Nothing can be done to dissuade her. I’ve tried everything, “Girls have vaginas, Amelia. And you have a vagina because you are a girl,” only enrages Her Majesty.

“NO, MAMA, MIMI’S PENIS,” she shouts indignantly whenever I dare question Princess Amelia’s Way of Thinking.

Thinking on my feet (no easy task when you have a brain the approximate size and shape of a pea), I pointed out her girl bits as proof that she, like me, is sans penis.


Head in hands, I realized that I wasn’t going to win this argument and besides, I had to give her points there: it does kinda look like a butt.

58 Comments to

“A Boy Named Amelia”

  1. On August 25th, 2011 at 10:54 am Jenni Williams Says:

    Ah to think you worried she wouldn’t talk! lol
    It does totally look like a butt, but where is her penis exactly?
    I am pretty sure Bella is going to go through the same thing with 3 brothers.

  2. On August 25th, 2011 at 10:55 am Lauren Elyse Says:

    Your kids are AMAZING. That is all.

  3. On August 25th, 2011 at 10:56 am leanne Says:

    Hysterical! Go Mimi!

    On a related note… my daughter was discussing the other day who has a penis and who has a vagina. And apparently she thinks I have a penis. Or she misspoke. But she got everyone else right.

  4. On August 25th, 2011 at 10:59 am Zak Says:

    I just snorted out my coffee, damn you!

  5. On August 25th, 2011 at 11:02 am JTook Says:

    It’s okay, at least you teach her vagina. My sister taught her 2yo to call it her vulva. ‘Cause that’s more anatomically correct. And she wonders why I don’t like her that much.

  6. On August 25th, 2011 at 11:03 am Liz Says:

    My daughter was so convinced she had a penis that she took to peeing standing up, leading to quite a few mysterious piles of wet clothes in the bathroom – until I caught her at it. To give her credit, the first time she tried she actually was able to aim and not get anything on her. I let her try because we were outside, and it was time for a bath anyway.

    My husband used to refer to changing her diaper as having to wipe two butts, and thought our son was far easier to clean in the genitalia department.

  7. On August 25th, 2011 at 11:04 am karen Says:

    Bwa ha ha ha ha! I can’t stand that PENIS thing … Put that AWAY, Adam!!! (While trying not to laugh hysterically). It sounds equally as hilarious when the 4 yr old starts talking about his sister’s badgina. Sigh. WTF?

  8. On August 25th, 2011 at 11:06 am Jen Says:

    *sigh* As the proud mom of an almost three year old girl who not only loves to spread ’em and “peepee grass” outside, but also feels the need to grab herself and shake afterward, I feel your pain.

    Attempts to explain that because she does not have a penis, she has nothing to shake after a pee just don’t cut it. “no, mommy, I have to shake after I peepee”.

    Might be time for daddy to be a bit more discreet with his own “peepee grass”.

  9. On August 25th, 2011 at 11:19 am tilly Says:

    Mimi’s Penis! I think it sounds like a band name. Also, last night at my daughter’s bday dinner, we were discussing how to hurt someone who is trying to kidnap you. I told her that kicking a woman in the crotch hurts too, and my husband interjected with “But not as much as a guy”. To which my 6 year old replied, in all seriousness, “Yeah, because it is more dangly.” I died. DIED.

  10. On August 25th, 2011 at 11:22 am McGilli Says:

    #1.. so glad I don’t have boys… #2 my older dtr told the youngest that they had penis’s… why are they introduced to that word before vagina??? I tried to intervene and gave them the correct word vagina and they just giggled and rhymed it with China… give up while you’re ahead.

  11. On August 25th, 2011 at 11:23 am Laura Says:

    Hilarious to me because my oldest son learned how boys and girls were “different” while at the babysitters (who happened to live on a farm – sing it … ei ei oooooooo). The babysitter’s daughter who was a couple of years older than my oldest (who was mabye 9?) explained to him that the kitten was a girl because she had two butts … thus, girls have two butts and boys don’t.

  12. On August 25th, 2011 at 11:29 am Vinobaby Says:

    You do realize that boys NEVER put away their penises , right? It will remain their favorite entertainment for life.

  13. On August 25th, 2011 at 11:31 am Jenn3128 Says:

    I tend to give thanks everyday that I have 2 girls and no boys! I wouldn’t know what to do with wanger in the living room.

  14. On August 25th, 2011 at 11:41 am The Mommy Says:

    Wait til you potty train – my oldest daughter had two older brothers – and insisted – INSISTED – she could pee standing up. Thankfully, the next one’s a girl – I’m hoping she’ll want to be more like her sister than her brothers in that department.

    And I don’t know a single boy who DOESN’T want a reaction when his penis is out…

  15. On August 25th, 2011 at 12:16 pm kim i Says:

    i actually share your pain, or whatever it is we experience at these moments. when my daughter was little, not only did she call me “bob” instead of “mom,” for reasons i still don’t truly understand, she insisted she had balls. i did what you did. i tried talking to her reasonably, explaining that she was a girl, and that she had ovaries instead of balls, and that they were up inside her, where she couldn’t see them, so no i couldn’t really PROVE it, but she’d have to take my word for it. ha. that’s when she looked at me in TOTAL DISGUST and proclaimed, “i’m TELLING you, bob, I’VE GOT BALLS.”

    she’s 19 now and you know? she kinda DOES have balls. anyway, i’m still considering having that cross-stitched and framed so i can have it hang on my wall at the home, when she puts me away, which she SO will.

  16. On August 25th, 2011 at 12:19 pm Sunday Says:

    My son insists that his little sister’s vagina is her “front butt”. For some reason, she prefers to call it her “weenis”. 🙂

  17. On August 25th, 2011 at 12:20 pm Angela@BeggingTheAnswer Says:

    I think lots of little girls get confused about the whole vulva/vagina area. My daughter is 3 and she also insists that it’s her butt. My niece referred to it as her “little butt” for the longest time. And don’t get me started on explaining to her what she pees out of without her thinking she pees out of her vagina.

  18. On August 25th, 2011 at 12:29 pm Chibi Jeebs Says:

    My sister called hers her “front butt” because, well, it looked like her butt, only in the front. Can’t beat toddler logic, really.

  19. On August 25th, 2011 at 12:47 pm Paula @ thewilyweez Says:

    Amelia sounds like she is giving you a run for your money! 🙂

  20. On August 25th, 2011 at 12:50 pm Heather Meyers Says:

    OMG! My MIL calls it a “front behind”!

  21. On August 25th, 2011 at 1:02 pm Janelle Says:

    About a week after my daughter was born my son asked “is that her other bottom?” while I was changing her daughter.

  22. On August 25th, 2011 at 1:20 pm steph Says:

    My daughter is currently 6. When she was little, I did all the things I was supposedly supposed to. If it’s a penis, we call it a penis. She has a vagina, we call it a vagina. And even explained that the vagina was actually inside where she couldn’t see it, but that’s generally how we referred to that area. No cute euphemisms!

    That was at 2 and 3.

    At 6? After years of calling it the correct names? She now insists on calling a penis and vulva/vagina a “tinkley” and a “nakey” respectively. She also absolutely refuses to hear the word “gallbladder”. (I had surgery on said offensive body part last year.) We have to call it a “Talullah”. That’s always fun to explain to the doctor when I have an audience of one.

    We were worried about her finding her words, too. *sigh* Now she runneth over with words. I’m happy about that…most of the time.

  23. On August 25th, 2011 at 1:34 pm Meg Says:

    ^_^ How hilariously frustrating has that got to be? I have yet to even sample the dish of my son’s future penis obsession since he is only 10 months but let me tell you, Aunt Becky, my youngest daughter has her own obsession with her junk. I mean I cannot keep that girls hands off of herself. She is constantly playing with it. Once, she decided to stick some of those chunky pony beads in her hoo-hah that I had to dig out. Let me tell you that was not a pleasant experience though I am not ashamed to admit I laughed myself to tears.

  24. On August 25th, 2011 at 1:45 pm andy Says:

    Oh Amelia, you made my day!

  25. On August 25th, 2011 at 2:12 pm Andrea Says:

    I am ashamed to say that the word vagina didn’t roll off my tongue around here so many years ago. Hopefully my 11 year old daughter has found out what to call her parts. (This is not the only reason my Mother of the Year award is being withheld!) The word penis can be thrown all around this joint, but apparently we are speech delayed for a v-sound! (My son had a “unit” for a very long time, and now we still giggle over units of measure, and any other time that word comes up…pitiful).

  26. On August 25th, 2011 at 2:35 pm Luna Says:

    Ugh, I cannot stand the use of the word vagina when one means vulva. Is it any wonder that the average menstruating teenager thinks that she can’t urinate while wearing a tampon? I’d rather use a euphemism than the wrong word.

    Apparently I’m the sister-in-law that JTook doesn’t like. 🙂

  27. On August 25th, 2011 at 4:28 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m confused as to how using the term vagina OR vulva without proper explanation of the entire female anatomy will clear the peeing during menstruation thing.

    If we’re being technical, isn’t it the labia majora she’s referring to anyway? I recognize the vulva is ALL of the external genitalia, but the butt-bit is the labia majora.

    And I’d rather call it a “vagina” than a “hoo-haaa.” Because if I did, trust me, I’d get flamed for that, too.

  28. On August 25th, 2011 at 4:45 pm Meg Says:

    Seriously my three year old calls it her hoo haa I have NO idea where that came from. We tried convincing her it’s called a vagina but she refuses to. lol

  29. On August 25th, 2011 at 5:13 pm Joules Says:

    I can’t really see the worth in breaking down the entirety of the female genitalia to a TWO YEAR OLD. At some point you’re going to have to get a lot more up close and personal than is probably healthy to label all the different parts. And how do you explain the clitoris? And who would want to? Yikes.

    Also? Where are these stats on menstruating teenagers coming from, yo? Because that shit is frightening. The children are our FUTURE, y’all. We better be teaching them to pee with or without tampons. Pretty sure holding it causes jaundice. Or is it herpes?

  30. On August 26th, 2011 at 3:58 pm Melissa Says:

    does she go to pre-school?

  31. On August 25th, 2011 at 3:06 pm Penbleth Says:

    Good girl Amelia, have what you want, driving your parents crackers is all part of the joy of being a child.

  32. On August 25th, 2011 at 3:42 pm Amelia Says:

    My friend’s kids call it their front butt.

  33. On August 25th, 2011 at 3:50 pm Angie Uncovered Says:

    TFF! I would absolutely love to walk behind your family at the store. AWESOME!

  34. On August 25th, 2011 at 3:55 pm Txtingmrdarcy Says:

    A: Best comments on a post EVER
    Niner: I just had to tell Army Boy to put his penis away the other night because I was trying to cook and we didn’t need it getting stuck in the oven or something. I wish I was kidding.

  35. On August 25th, 2011 at 4:06 pm Aubrey Says:

    Kaitlynn informed me she had a penis when she was about 3 also. I tried reasoning but it just didn’t work. She finally figured it out.
    Madilynn calls hers a butt too.

  36. On August 25th, 2011 at 4:10 pm Bird Flu Says:

    Hang in there. It took me a good year or so to convince my daughter that she Did Not have a penis. Our newest ‘flashing’ trouble is because my four year old son discovered the “door” [his word not mine] to his boxer-brief underwear.
    Him: “Look, Mommy! I’ve got a door!”
    Me: *choking on coffee* “Put your penis away, son.”

  37. On August 25th, 2011 at 5:30 pm Stacey Says:

    Between the post and the comments, nonstop entertainment.

  38. On August 25th, 2011 at 5:52 pm Glenda Watson Hyatt Says:

    Thank you everyone for the laughs this afternoon!

  39. On August 25th, 2011 at 6:05 pm jess Says:

    Seriously best post and best comments. Ever. I have two boys and I NEVER thought I would have to say things like, Don’t put your penis on the dog that’s disgusting, or stop playing penis bump (literally they would face each other and go , 1, 2, 3, bump! And whip their undies down and bump junk and whip undies back on, freakin weirdos! I blame their father…lol) with your brother, its disturbing and you’ll really hate to hear about when you’re 13 and 15….lol.

  40. On August 25th, 2011 at 6:16 pm karen Says:

    Oh, I’m dying with this one! It definitely takes the cakes!!! Penis bumping. A ha ha ha ha!

  41. On August 25th, 2011 at 7:26 pm silvertrish Says:

    I must say after 4 attempts to make it through the entry, and the comments, I had to put down the glass and finish reading because I was a little scared of spitting all over the computer….

  42. On August 25th, 2011 at 11:10 pm Shoshana Says:

    Do you think some of the kids are connecting the word ‘penis’ with ‘pee’? Maybe that’s what’s confusing them?
    As in if you pee, you must have a penis.

  43. On August 26th, 2011 at 12:57 am seekingelevation Says:

    My daughter calls it her “buns.” She calls her butt her “bottom.” So she’s got that there’s a distinction, but. . .not really. Her brother calls it a bagina. I think Shoshana is probably spot-on.

  44. On August 26th, 2011 at 1:26 am Alexis Says:

    I don’t remember this because it was before I was born, but my parents tell me that my cousin mary Catherine used to insist that she, too, was a boy, and also had a penis. The routinely wore socks inside her panties to make it appear as though she actually had a penis. My mom said she was certain Mary cathierne would grow up to be a transexual, but she’s now married with tow kids. Go figure. I don’t see thm often, but my aunt told me that her daughter has a penis fixation just like mary catherin did. Her daughter goes so far as to pee standing up, which makes for a less than hygienic bathroom situation.

    i hope whatever this anomaly is comes from the other side of their family and not from mmy nom’s side.

  45. On August 26th, 2011 at 2:49 am Jenn Says:

    Whahahaha – Bunny refers to her girl bits and her Bum.

  46. On August 26th, 2011 at 8:18 am AprilDlicious Says:

    My sister always exclaimed she had a penis, but she was a crazy teenager. All I could really say to that was, “Maybe you really do have a penis. You have the biggest man hands I’ve ever seen!” and then we’d laugh.

  47. On August 26th, 2011 at 8:27 am Shoshana Says:

    I think that telling girls they have a vagina instead of a penis is kinda missing the point for a 2 year old. Penises pee and are used for sex; why do people immediately give girls their sexual component? They are more interested in peeing at that point.

    But what do you call a female’s pee part? It’s not a vagina and it’s not the vulva, all the surrounding tissue for God’s sake – do you say arm when you mean pinkie finger?

  48. On August 26th, 2011 at 10:08 am katrina Says:

    Amelia rocks!!

  49. On August 26th, 2011 at 11:10 am nicki Says:

    I used to teach toddlers and one little girl called it her “front butt” all the time!

  50. On August 26th, 2011 at 3:26 pm Working Mommy Says:

    AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Little one is smart…it does kinda look like a butt!


  51. On August 26th, 2011 at 3:39 pm Mwa (Lost in Translation) Says:

    My daughter insisted for more than a year that her penis was just going to grow in any day. She was waiting for it!

    (BTW love the redesign. Sorry if it’s old – been holidaying etc.)

  52. On August 26th, 2011 at 10:11 pm SJ Says:

    Dude, have been reading for a few years now, never commenting because i never would have time to really participate in the blogging community. But I’ve had something I’ve thought for a long time, and I’m just going to say it:

    “Thinking on my feet (no easy task when you have a brain the approximate size and shape of a pea), ”

    Stoooop with the self-depreciation! It comes up in almost every other post, and I know it’s for humor, etc, but seriously. Don’t degrade yourself. For longtime readers like me, who know far better that you are no dumbass, it can become tedious to keep seeing you try to insult yourself. Just…stop being mean to you, okay?


  53. On August 27th, 2011 at 1:44 pm Stuff I Starred Saturday – Say Goodnight Irene « LucidLotusLife Says:

    […] A Boy Named Amelia […]

  54. On August 27th, 2011 at 4:45 pm Jonah Gibson Says:

    Seems to me you got your peepee and your got your vajayjay, and if there’s any confusion, then you got your peejay, and it’s time for a nap.

  55. On August 28th, 2011 at 2:37 am Lex Says:

    My daughters went through this too, the youngest merely a few weeks ago:
    “No, mommy, I’m a boy!”

    It was odd, as I am pretty sure she has never even seen a penis in any capacity. We argued back and forth for about a day (“Baby, we have the same parts; you’re a GIRL!” “No I’m not.”) and then she dropped it. I was seriously expecting her to tell me that her bits were something else (like a butt), butt she never did.

    Kids are weird.

  56. On August 28th, 2011 at 4:49 pm Steve Bailey Says:

    Haha… what does she call her butt then? Nipples? Funny post.

  57. On August 29th, 2011 at 11:26 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    I feel as though I will now make inappropriate jokes for weeks.

    Which is pretty normal, only now nobody will understand them!

  58. On September 5th, 2011 at 9:46 am Nicole Says:

    I am crying, I am laughing so hard! My husband thinks I’m nuts.

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