Mommy Wants Vodka

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Dear 1980, I Love You, Go Away


When my eldest was five, I was beyond delighted to find that they still manufactured EZ Bake Ovens. I, myself, had often begged, borrowed, and wheedled my mother about buying me one. Her response was two-fold:

A) They cook the cakes with a lightbulb

2) You can use the REAL oven.

Of course, she, being wiser than I, never allowed me within ten feet of an oven. I give you Exhibit A:

Ez Bake Oven

Actual attempt by Your Aunt Becky to create a fancy cake. At age 29.

Pranksters, tell me that cake doesn’t look like semen layered upon bubble gum and a sponge.

Anyway, it was with great gusto that I bought my son an EZ Bake Oven. And promptly realized that my mother, in fact, had been right all along – the thing was a piece of junk. The “brownies” we made tasted like water-logged cardboard.

When I noted the 80’s clothes coming back, I groaned, the same way my own parents groaned when I clomped into the house wearing platform heels and a Dashiki. As if leggings and pajama jeans weren’t bad enough, now grown-ass women can wear whimsical overalls?

WHY, o! WHY would I want to wear those overalls? They look like they’d crawl up your cootch and hang out there, not only making you uncomfortable, but also giving you a massive case of camel toe.

Alas, I digress.

When I saw that Strawberry Shortcake was making a comeback, I’ll admit that I got pretty excited. I mean, that doll used to smell like AWESOMENESS and hell, it’s better than listening to fucking Dora talking about her stupid fucking backpack or Ruby telling Max all bossy-like, “Now, Max…”


But then, they took on the Smurfs and made Katy Perry – who appears to actually be a smurf in real life – and did a creepy animated Smurf movie. When I stop weeping, I’ll let you know.

My children’s latest obsession is with something that, as a young lass, I, too, loved: My Little Pony. Oh, how I loved My Little Pony – nearly as much as the Pound Puppies and the Barbies that I was not allowed (my hippie mother didn’t want me to grow up thinking women needed to be 7 feet tall with double FF’s and blond). I watched the show as religiously as I could, considering I was allotted an hour of television each day – unless it was PBS, which is how I learned that the art of cooking is this:

“Throw a bunch of shit in a pan. Don’t measure. More ingredients = better. Then order takeout.” Thank YOU, Jeff Smith for that misconception.

I was all excited when the kids stopped watching Phineas and Ferb and began to watch My Little Pony. My middle son, Alex, is extra-specially fond of the show, which I found to be adorable until…

…I realized that they’d redone the show.

I mean, it’s not like the ponies are like all sexified and slinky or anything, which, after seeing the Bratz Dolls, I count as a win, but what was so wrong with the original cartoon? I ASK YOU TELEVISION EXECS, WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THE ORIGINAL?


I guess I should go back to my Matlock reruns – interspersed, of course, with episodes of Murder, She Wrote – chug some Geritol, fantasize about getting a cane to trip random walkers-by and yell at the damn kids to get off my damn lawn.

Oh wait.

Those are MY kids on the lawn.

37 Comments to

“Dear 1980, I Love You, Go Away”

  1. On May 22nd, 2012 at 11:33 am baseballmom Says:

    ewww, it’s all anime looking~not cool!

  2. On May 22nd, 2012 at 11:34 am Sara C. Says:

    As always, your posts strike a personal chord in me. I too was excited/sad when I saw the revamped Strawberry Shortcake and My Little Ponies. Now Strawberry Shortcake has an eating disorder and massively oversized head. But one cool thing is that even the DVD’s now smell like Strawberries. (Yes, go smell your DVD’s) And On the topic of smelling, My Little Ponies in the 80’s had a very distinct sweet, plasticy smell. New MLP, not so much. Moral of the story? I smell too much shit and revamped 80’s cartoons blow.

  3. On May 22nd, 2012 at 11:42 am Fallah Says:

    But the new one is written by the awesome lady that created the Powerpuff Girls! And I love me some Powerpuff Girls even though I was a teenager when it aired.

    Granted I haven’t seen the new MLP yet and we were awfully fond of the original series. But all my other favorite 80s cartoons don’t hold up well to adult scrutiny: She-Ra? Unintelligible. JEM: she might be truly outrageous but the synthesizer music dates the whole thing. And then there’s the…Schmoo? Or whatever the giant purple blob villain was from the MLP movie. I mean, really?

    That said I still wish we had kept some of the original pony toys, even if they weren’t ‘mint in box’ anymore.

  4. On May 23rd, 2012 at 10:57 am Terri Says:

    Smooze. I bought the MLP movie (original one, of course) for my daughter on DVD (ebay) and she totally doesn’t appreciate it. Breaks my heart!

    This is totally pre-80s, but I also bought The Wizard of Oz on DVD to watch with my kids. That movie is MAGIC. My kids totally ruined it. They’re so used to CGI everything that they couldn’t appreciate men in costumes and tore the movie apart. I didn’t even bother explaining that the lion, the tin man and the scarecrow had to be men in costumes to coordinate the dream characters with the real life farm hands. Just the EXISTENCE of our modern CGI ruined the movie!

  5. On May 22nd, 2012 at 11:46 am amy Says:

    Oh this is just what I needed! 🙂 Awesome stuff!

  6. On May 22nd, 2012 at 11:46 am Cindy Says:

    What happened to Rainbow Bright? I LOVED that bitch! (I asked for a Rainbow Bright doll for Christmas one year. I got the purple one. I was pissed. Who cares about purple? I wanted the whole rainbow!)
    Or He-man and She-ra? Our kids are missing out on the greatest decade of cartoons. Should we start an online petition?

  7. On May 22nd, 2012 at 11:46 am Heather Says:

    I have watched ALLLLL of the episodes of Murder She Wrote on Netflix and when I’m done with magnum pi (How does he always know what I’m thinking?) I’m going to watch MacGuiver.

  8. On May 22nd, 2012 at 11:51 am CycleNinja Says:

    I watched the A-Team with more fervor than I ever displayed at church.

  9. On May 22nd, 2012 at 11:52 am Scroogy Says:

    The new MLPs are very sassy. Haha.

  10. On May 22nd, 2012 at 11:53 am Jen Says:

    My 6 year old son is hooked on MLP after watching a few episodes with his 4 year old sister. I’m both creeped out and secretly happy that my kids love the same shows I did as a kid 🙂 I wish they’d bring back Pound Puppies and Jem! Jem and the Misfits can kick Barbies ass any day of the week. As an aside…anyone else remember Popples??

  11. On May 22nd, 2012 at 1:09 pm Amelia Says:

    I still have a Popples bear thing!

  12. On May 22nd, 2012 at 9:18 pm Stefanie Says:

    They did bring back Pound Puppies. It comes on right after MLP:FIM. They are bringing back Care Bears this summer as well. The Hub network has realized that the parents of small children more than likely grew up watching these cartoons and will get hooked watching them. I enjoy MLP:FIM as well as my 13 yo and 8 yo sons. It is pretty well written with developed characters and good plots.

  13. On May 22nd, 2012 at 12:15 pm justkeepinitrealfolks Says:

    We are still Scooby Doo fanatics at our house. And, I wish to GAWD, I would have been the genius behind Sponge Bob. That dude is making millions!!!!

  14. On May 22nd, 2012 at 12:16 pm Sarah P Says:

    My hippie mother hated My Little Ponies, but she let me have Barbies. It’s good. How else was I supposed to figure out how scissoring worked?

  15. On May 22nd, 2012 at 12:30 pm Sherry D Says:

    My TEENAGE BOYS love the new MLP!!!! They DVR it!

    Of course I’m glad I’ve raised son that are confident in their masculinity but really?

    Now Korra? She kicks ass.

  16. On May 22nd, 2012 at 12:32 pm Jessica Jo Says:

    Hehehee, I love all of this. My hippie mom wouldn’t let me watch Smurfs – something about only one girl in a town full of guys and having to do all the cooking/cleaning being complete BS I believe the reason was.

  17. On May 22nd, 2012 at 1:16 pm Heather Says:

    I’m glad I haven’t broken down and bought our daughter one of the new Easy Bake Ovens. I did tell her we could use the real oven, that and she doesn’t eat cake!!! Who will eat them then? LOL

    BTW, you will enjoy that the first time our babysitter sat for our daughter when she was about 7 years old, she had Dora hanging in effigy in her closet. Not the babysitter, our 7yo, LOL! Please note, she’s now a very well-adjusted 11yo girl.

  18. On May 22nd, 2012 at 2:14 pm The Six-Fingered Monkey Says:

    Semen, bubblegum and a sponge. Sound like my dream weekend!

  19. On May 22nd, 2012 at 2:54 pm Grace Says:

    I was quite excited to get my daughter an Easy Bake Oven two Christmases ago. I too never had one as a kid. Yep. It’s pretty much junk. She’s used it once.

    Old MLP = AWESOME!! Loved it. Even though it was on at an INSANELY early time frame, I watched it every day. I’m a little creeped out the by the Animeishness of it now. Can’t say we’ve watched it. But my daughter still plays with all my old ponies!

    But I can proudly say that thanks to Netflix live streaming, my daughter watched Jem last week, and I’m working my way through all the episodes of The Wonder Years. Ahhh, childhood. How I’ve missed it!

  20. On May 22nd, 2012 at 3:52 pm Rachel Says:

    Someone gave me a My Little Pony calendar at work and I was like WTF IS THIS, THESE ARE NOT THE PONIES THAT I KNEW.

  21. On May 22nd, 2012 at 4:00 pm Triplezmom Says:

    I was just too old for the Ponies the first time around so I encourage the kids to watch them. Because I’d rather listen to them than iCarly . But I really HATE the new episodes of Scooby-Do.

    Pass me the Geritol, would ya?

  22. On May 22nd, 2012 at 4:20 pm Heather Says:

    They redid the My Little Ponies? Why must they take everything good and screw it up?

  23. On May 22nd, 2012 at 6:24 pm jen Says:

    the new strawberry shortcake looks nothing like the old one. imho, they ruined her.

  24. On May 22nd, 2012 at 9:20 pm Stefanie Says:

    I agree. I’ve tried to watch it a couple of times but just can’t do it.

  25. On May 22nd, 2012 at 7:49 pm katrina Says:

    Ha ha ha…..newer is never better .

  26. On May 22nd, 2012 at 8:09 pm Kristin Says:

    Does anyone remember the Nick show “Pinwheel”…

    Pinwheel, pinwheel, spinning around. Look at my Pinwheel and see what I’ve found.
    Pinwheel, pinwheel, where have you been? Hello, how are you, and may I come in?
    Pinwheel, pinwheel spinning around. Look at my Pinwheel and see what I found.
    Pinwheel, pinwheel, breezy and bright. Spin me good morning, spin me good night.

    or am I just that much older than the rest of you?

  27. On May 23rd, 2012 at 1:02 am Courtney Says:

    Ooh, now. I am an avid pegasister. MLP is awesomesauce and I highly encourage everyone to watch it. Lauren Faust has created yet another amazing show. As a side note there is a new Pound Puppies (also on netflix). This woman has given a good overview of some of the things she has noticed about the show. Most of the people begin with the omgit’schangedandthat’sbad stance and come to love the show. Watch it, take a look at the amazing things the Brony community has accomplished and join the herd!

  28. On May 23rd, 2012 at 4:00 am Devan Says:

    I think the new pony is a hottie!

  29. On May 23rd, 2012 at 9:29 am Marta Says:

    I couldn’t agree more with EVERYTHING you said. And Bratz dolls? ICK. Even Barbie’s looking a little rough.

  30. On May 23rd, 2012 at 12:38 pm Annie Says:

    I was not much of a My Little Pony gal, but I did love my EZ Bake cardboard brownies. Talk about salmonella! They went so well with my Chatty Cathy, who I immediately gave a bath and she lost her vocal chords. I still have a boat load of Barbie’s with the plastic heads and wigs. I know not everyone is buying it, but that bitch has staying power with her perky ponytail and Double D’s!

  31. On May 23rd, 2012 at 12:46 pm Kat Says:

    I agree with a couple others, the new MLP is fucking amazing! Seriously, check it out. The writing is entertaining and hellova lot better than Dora and Dragontales. The writing is sassy and smart and the character’s redesign actually makes sense when you come down to it, making it easier to animate.

    Loves it!

  32. On May 23rd, 2012 at 1:21 pm Mrs. One Day Says:

    I don’t know why they feel the need to change everything that was perfectly fine the way it was originally. The remakes of movies generally make my blood boil because they destroy them almost every single time! Acckkk!

  33. On May 23rd, 2012 at 3:34 pm aubrey Says:

    I have pushed my favorites from when I was little onto my kids as much as possible thanks to an ancient vcr and my actual tapes. They have watched the Care Bears and My Little Pony and Smurfs and Rainbow Brite and Strawberry Shortcake and all the others I loved as a little bitty girl since they were just babies. Now they make fun of the ‘new’ ones right along with me! Recently I noticed JEM on Netflix. I got really excited. Now my 3 year old asks no begs every morning to turn on her JEM so she can sing and dance. It is nothing short of amazing. 🙂
    Also. Your cake looks just like how mine always turn out. 🙂

  34. On May 24th, 2012 at 8:22 pm Jess Says:

    Dora and Max and Ruby – every time I see them I wonder where their parents are! No one else seems to think it’s a big deal but it bugs the hell outta me so I was so happy that someone finally said something about it!

    I don’t understand how some people consider these shows to be good for kids, with good messages. It’s the opposite of everything I’ve ever taught my kids. Don’t be bossy to your younger sister; don’t go trekking through the jungle alone; no a monkey will not make a good pet because they can be mean and they will probably shit in the house; and finally, just stay far away from grumpy old trolls.

    Thankfully my girls adore Spongebob and will choose that any day over Loudmouth Dora and Bossy Ruby.

  35. On May 24th, 2012 at 8:59 pm 'cuz I'm the mommy Says:

    You damn kids..! *shakes liver-spotted fist weakly*
    It will be little consolation that they have reworked Transformers for a new TV program, Transformers Prime. Although I do like Bumblebee better as not-a-VW-bug. I digress.
    Up side? My 6-today baby just named a fictional planet Salve.
    Apply liberally.

  36. On May 28th, 2012 at 5:47 am Lisa from Rock-a-Bye-Baby Gifts Says:

    And don’t forget care bears and smurfs. And weebles. I used to put weebles in my socks and pretend they were high heels as I wasn’t allowed them! Very uncomfortable, but they looked good.

  37. On May 29th, 2012 at 3:45 pm Rachel Says:

    It completely saddens me that they are remaking the 80’s cartoons… There was NOTHING wrong with them now. Ponies and Smurfs do NOT need to be sexified. They were entertaining and slightly educational when I was growing up; at least there was usually some sort of moral to go along with each episode. What happened to that? Now, cartoons on TV are not much more than shiny pictures on the box, brainwashing our kids… I can’t wait til mine grow out of cartoons altogether!!

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