Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Because The Last Thing The World Needs Is Another Whiny Pregnant Lady


In light of a real post today, as my poor joints are getting so swollen that I’m having a terrible time typing (also: what the hell is happening to my body? Inquiring minds want to know), rather than complaining bitterly about annoying crap because as the name implies, is annoying, I’ve decided to make a list of things that are full of The Awesome.

*The kindness of (relative) strangers. In the past month or two, I have gotten some amazing baby stuff from my online home-girls , Miss Emily from Wheels on the Bus, DD, Guilty Noodles (no, it’s sadly not her real name), Rebel, and Shinny. And I’m telling you, I’m one lucky bitch.

*Emails like this:

I love your blog and I think you would appreciate my sense of humor. If I link to your blog on my blog is there any way you could return the favor? I am trying to get more exposure.

(actual email).

And no, no I won’t return the favor. Especially since you don’t even use my name or my blog address. Because my blog is not your platform. But seriously, I have had more fun with this sort of email. Hilarious. Especially since the blog in question was not remotely funny.

Isn’t this sort of grabby behavior a blogging faux paus?

*Actual non-grabby emails from my readers always make my day, even though I often suck at replying to them. I’m crappy that way, and it’s not intentional and I’m trying like crazy to get better about it, because it’s rude to NOT reply.

And no, you’re not stalking me if you write me an email. Sadly, you’re not stalking me. I could use more stalkers, you know.

*Tyler Candles, which I discovered years ago while poking around some chic shops (obviously before Baby #2 was born and I was somehow outlawed from said shops, even if only by my own choice.Because babies do not enjoy chic shops, no matter how expensive or trendy.

But anyway.

So these candles beat the snot out of Yankee Candles, they’re affordable and they all smell fucking amazing. Seriously, if you like heavily scented candles, try some of these.

(This was a free! endorsement because I like them so much. The only real endorsements I get emailed are for things like sex toys. Which I will TOTALLY be reviewing once I’m not eleventy-hundred months pregnant. Because nothing screams “I don’t want to think about you in that way” like being gummy-bear shaped).

*The return of American Idol, partially because Simon makes me a little weak-kneed, and partially because when first pregnant, I remember thinking “When American Idol comes on, I’ll be almost ready to give birth.” Which made my then nauseous ass happy.

*Ickle tiny pink baby clothes in my own house. Because, obviously.

*Diet coke, o! sweet nectar of the gods, because coffee cannot be tolerated any longer by my pathetically delicate digestive system.

*The fact that it has snowed more to date than we here in Illinois normally see all year. Oh wait, this was supposed to be things that I was HAPPY about. Never mind. Scratch this one out.

*Reading the hilarious comments of my readers always brightens up my day. I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to comment as much on YOUR blogs, but my fingers and joints are unhappy as hell with me. And writing on the computer only exacerbates this. Damn you, late pregnancy weirdness (seriously did this happen to anyone else?)!

Your turn, fair reader! What is bringing you joy today (no matter how small)?

57 Comments to

“Because The Last Thing The World Needs Is Another Whiny Pregnant Lady”

  1. On January 14th, 2009 at 12:18 pm Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah Says:

    Wheat thins.

  2. On January 14th, 2009 at 12:20 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Heat. (It’s -20°C here.)

  3. On January 14th, 2009 at 12:20 pm guilty noodles Says:

    Your post. Kudos to you for putting that blogging faux pas out there. Thanks.

  4. On January 14th, 2009 at 12:22 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    You know, I’m having one of those miraculous days where almost everything makes me happy.
    Call Ripley’s.
    Your joints will be fine after your baby comes. And so will everything else. Except for, you know, all that stuff that childbirth destroys. Like sleep and the ability to poop.

  5. On January 14th, 2009 at 12:37 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    The first real day since October where I’ve not had to work and my kids have been in school the entire day and I have had the house to myself, quietly, for several hours (and for another two!) – minus the three hours my husband sat around this morning going back and forth about what his plans for the day were.

    OK. After reading this, I may need to rethink my happy place again…

  6. On January 14th, 2009 at 12:41 pm Coco Says:

    Microwave popcorn. Oh, sweet microwave popcorn, how I love thee.

    Wait…was that more creepy than joyful? Oh well. I feel joy about it, anyway.

    BTW, you never told us who won the passive-aggressive contest. But maybe that was the passive-aggressive point? Heh. 😉

  7. On January 14th, 2009 at 12:53 pm Donna Says:

    Getting an email from a new friend and reading your new post sorry about all the late pregnancy stuff…..Just keep telling yourself soon I’ll feel much better body wise that is…Take care and stay warm up there and I think it’s cold in North Texas I feel for you guys…

  8. On January 14th, 2009 at 1:00 pm Carlynn Says:

    That it’s a new year. There’s no guarantee about this one but it’s just good that last year is over.

    My joints don’t ache but sending commiserations. Hope Simon can ease some of the joint pain. I think he’s fabulous. I would biff Paula over the head with one of those huge rubber hammers if I were him, I think he is very well behaved on the judges’ table.

  9. On January 14th, 2009 at 1:12 pm Kristine Says:

    I’m working late tonight (like 5 hours late), so I can finish a project for a job I was supposed to be done with 3 months ago and things keep popping up, but as a bonus, I get to use company equipment to finish a personal project at the same time! And by the time I get home, my kid should be sound asleep!

  10. On January 14th, 2009 at 1:17 pm Maria Says:

    Being all vicariously excited for you without having to be 10 million months pregnant again.

    IDOL. God.

    Sushi for dinner last night.

    The weather being chilly enough to warrant FOOTSIE JAMMIES on the boys.

    Chipmunk in underwear all morning with no accidents.

    Losing 1 pound this week.

    Your mom blog.

  11. On January 14th, 2009 at 1:18 pm deb Says:

    My ginormous bag of sunflower seeds and the martini I plan to drink soon. I’m not finding joy in much else today. Instead I am of the mind that kids suck. Well ONE of mine does anyway. I wished I had paid better attention in Health class.

  12. On January 14th, 2009 at 1:23 pm ScienceMama Says:

    The fact that Bean finally slept through the night for the first time in over a month.

  13. On January 14th, 2009 at 1:41 pm a Says:

    I was able to walk outside this morning without frostbite. This was my last morning walk for a while, not only because it will be too cold.

    My family lives where you are – and I hope you are all enjoying ALL THAT SNOW!!!

  14. On January 14th, 2009 at 1:51 pm magpie Says:

    That it’s closer to the end of the day than the beginning.

  15. On January 14th, 2009 at 2:00 pm kbrients Says:

    oh auny becky… you bring me joy *snort*

  16. On January 14th, 2009 at 2:19 pm Jane Says:

    The safe arrival of three (THREE!!!) babies this past week – two blogger babies and one belonging to parents I actually know in real life. That’s such a big pile of happy news that it *almost* obliterates the misery I feel after attending my first physics class…

  17. On January 14th, 2009 at 2:23 pm Amy Says:

    Too much to be happy for to list it all! Let’s say today…hmm, mmm, Froste.d Flake.s!!! Because I really am a kid at heart and who doesn’t love sugary goodness?!!

  18. On January 14th, 2009 at 2:24 pm swirl girl Says:

    seeing the occasional “aunt becky” comment on my blog. I know you read me, and I love to be reminded of that.

  19. On January 14th, 2009 at 2:45 pm ewe_are_here Says:

    I don’t know, but I’m thinking it’s going to be ice cream.

    Hang in there.

  20. On January 14th, 2009 at 3:07 pm Ames Says:

    My son went 2.5 (yes 2.5) hours without eating and actually let me put him down long enough that I got to pee in peace and THEN I even had a chance to wash dishes and do laundry.

    Is it sad that I’m happy about peeing???

  21. On January 14th, 2009 at 3:28 pm Michelle Says:

    I am happy it finally stopped snowing! Since I am a bit North of you, I am fealing your pain!
    I am happy Husband made it downtown this morning, then to the airport safely. Will be even happier if the plane is not too delayed!
    Happy that both kids enjoyed their day at school and I had a chance to watch a Tivo’d show without interruptions AND snowblow the drive.
    And soon I will be very happy eating pizza for dinner since Husband is gone and dinner is MUCH easier!
    Soon you will have that baby in your arms and you will forget all about your swollen joints and bad typing fingers!

  22. On January 14th, 2009 at 3:35 pm Sarah Says:

    Ridley – the pissy-er of the two kitties, both of whom I WILL get pics up of (probably) tonight – just climbed in my lap and wanted to cuddle. I had damn near given up on her grouchy fuzzy ass.

    I’m watching some damn silly L&O SVU rerun, having banished the kids to other parts of the house, and I thought *fo sho* that Stabler and Benson were going to kiss and I was all… “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” and then they didn’t. THANK YOU.

    So while I was reading your blog, which I really need to catch up on so I can laugh a lot more this afternoon, your blog, Ridley Rockstar and SVU all made a little bit happier! 😀

  23. On January 14th, 2009 at 3:36 pm Badass Geek Says:

    I am joyous because you posted that e-mail.

    I heart you.

  24. On January 14th, 2009 at 3:36 pm The Mommy Says:

    Hot wings. And beer (when I’m NOT pregnant).

    Oh, and banana peppers on everything, but that seems to be only during this particular pregnancy.

  25. On January 14th, 2009 at 3:39 pm Betts Says:

    A woodfire since the high today has been 7 degrees F, the fact that it’s almost 5pm and I can have a drink without looking like I have a drinking problem, and you because a day without a post of yours to read is a day devoid of humor.

  26. On January 14th, 2009 at 3:42 pm Dora Says:

    The half hour massage appt I have scheduled at my chiro’s after work today!

  27. On January 14th, 2009 at 3:59 pm melanie Says:

    today I havent felt so happy…….my kids make me smile though…. (just got back from the doc for a bad UTI and my blood pressure was high enough that I get to go back tomorrow for a re-check….nothing like dragging the 3 1/2 yr old and the 7 month old not only to preschool and back home but now another doc appt in freezing temps—-oh yeah I figure my blood pressure wont at all be elevated after all that)

  28. On January 14th, 2009 at 4:08 pm g Says:

    Dude, I totally sent you an email like that back in the day. I didn’t say I was increasing traffic though, cuz I could give a flying fuck about who stops over. I was just using that as my click over method BGR. (that’s before Google Reader). So, shut up!

    What’s making me happy today? My happy light. Be jealous, be very jealous.

  29. On January 14th, 2009 at 4:21 pm Tiffany @ My Random Wisdom Says:

    I know, I am a freak..but I love snow, as long as I dont have to go, even if I do…but I still love the silence and pretty cleaness a new snow brings

  30. On January 14th, 2009 at 4:21 pm Madame Yu See Says:

    It’s not snowing here. That’s what I’m happy about.

  31. On January 14th, 2009 at 4:31 pm trish Says:

    I love American Idol, too. And last night was especially good with the bikini chick bouncing up and down not once but TWICE. All was right with the world when I saw Randy Jackson say, “Let’s try this again. YOU’RE going to HOLLYWOOD!” And the chick jumped up and down again.

  32. On January 14th, 2009 at 4:42 pm Amy Says:

    Ok…You have totally de-lurked me! I absolutely love your blog! I find your approach to parenting, Crones disease, and life in general completey hysterical! I hope you have that baby girl soon…sounds as if you’re pretty uncomfortable!

    So, today your blog made me happy:)

  33. On January 14th, 2009 at 4:59 pm mandy Says:

    YES, my joints in my hands and knees got very inflamed during a period late in. My thumb joints especially were sore and swollen. It was weird. Glad to know I wasn’t the only one!

    I am just glad everything else is okay with lil saugage baby. 🙂

    I so love you

  34. On January 14th, 2009 at 5:13 pm Holly Says:

    Knowing a semi perma hiatus from working in my home is in my future….read come Fall 09. It suprisingly will be very enjoyable although i will be poor then I am at present.

  35. On January 14th, 2009 at 5:13 pm Kyddryn Says:

    A long nap, uninterrupted by a child demanding attention, phone calls from strangers demanding money or whatever, or the sound of cats vomiting where I am sure to put my foot later…followed by bread baking (which makes the house smell better than any candle ever could…how do I capture and market this delightful scent??). The light of the setting sun streaming through the windows, cats sleeping in the puddles of golden warmth. The sound of my son’s laughter, washing through the house in waves as he watches Tom and Jerry for the first time ever. Kisses from said lad, landing butterfly soft on my arm when he thinks I’m sleeping and doesn’t want to wake me…accompanied by tiny whispered “I love you so much, Mommy, I just never want to stop.”

    I could go on, but the bread’s done…

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  36. On January 14th, 2009 at 5:13 pm Holly Says:

    That should say poorer…LOL

  37. On January 14th, 2009 at 5:54 pm heather Says:

    Having stuck to my diet for 3 days in a row. I rawk right now.

  38. On January 14th, 2009 at 6:04 pm KT Says:

    i enjoy listening to my kids giggle and play with their dadddy.

  39. On January 14th, 2009 at 6:18 pm mumma boo Says:

    Your post.
    Harry & David’s Sesame Garlic Tortilla Chips.

    Reading your post while inhaling said tortilla chips at an alarming rate and totally not caring.

  40. On January 14th, 2009 at 6:27 pm Susan Says:

    You. You and your blog make me happy.

  41. On January 14th, 2009 at 7:09 pm Dreamybee Says:

    My lily that is thisclose to blooming. I’ve had this plant for 3 years, and this is the first time that it has flowered. Yay!

  42. On January 14th, 2009 at 7:55 pm Eva Says:

    Oh shit, you just reminded me about pregnancy carpal tunnel. I almost want to take back my last post.

    I actually think you are quite good at email!

  43. On January 14th, 2009 at 8:00 pm Molly Says:

    -your blog layout
    -coffee and bringing coffee to our secretaries at schools when the weather is “beautiful and sucks” at the same time (snow/cold).
    -my dog laying on my lap
    -having to make room for my laptop
    -giving recipes out (you totally have to make a Johnny Vegas…you would love it…equal parts whiskey and watermelon schnapps…no to that “Bull” crap…tad more schnapps…shaken with ice as a shot. I wonder if it works as an epi-dural?
    -candles!!!! (And good smelly crap…kitchen shit, laundry soap….you get the idea…am hooked on a brand and have to drive an hour to get it!)
    -your blog

  44. On January 14th, 2009 at 8:19 pm lynanne Says:

    Joy in one word? Chocolate? I had the strangest aversion to it while pregnant though….very weird.

    Re: Reviewing sex toys while pregnant – perhaps you should reconsider – I had the BEST orgasms in while pregnant and the toys would have been a welcome relief from the exhausting contortions of traditional sex while massively pregnant. After pregnancy? No desire at ALL going on 2 years now. Maybe Mother Nature is trying to tell me that 4 kids is enough?

  45. On January 14th, 2009 at 8:56 pm kate Says:

    a hike. at lunchtime. at the beach.

    i have a guest room. and could stock it with ickle pink baby things. and i babysit.

    just saying…spring break is coming.

  46. On January 14th, 2009 at 9:06 pm Emily R Says:

    um, i sent sumpin’, too 🙂

  47. On January 14th, 2009 at 9:14 pm gypsygrrl Says:

    i think i already emailed (stalked?) you…
    *getting a totally random invite to have a beer with a smokin’ hot biker chick
    *having same smokin’ hot biker chick do a big favor for you the following day and take good care of you even when you were trying to be independent


  48. On January 15th, 2009 at 8:49 am honeywine Says:

    Bustles! Ten ton of fabric covering your ass jiggle! Who can’t love that???

  49. On January 15th, 2009 at 9:18 am SCY Says:

    The fact that I don’t have to go to gym tonight cos it’s my rest night…

    OH! And that we’ve been given the all clear by our baby docs to go ahead with our next IVF :)))

  50. On January 15th, 2009 at 9:47 am Nessykins Says:

    That I’m about to pop!!! (I’m due Feb. 20th)

    Oh…and cute little baby girl things!

  51. On January 15th, 2009 at 9:59 am sara Says:

    I have to say sleep and diet coke bring me joy not only today, but everyday. I was so happy to see you mention the diet coke!

  52. On January 15th, 2009 at 10:27 am lola Says:

    Since this post was written yesterday, I can technically tell you what brought me joy yesterday, as today, I got nothing! Yesterday, I had a very easy job that made me some decent money. JOY!

    Today just sucks, except for that e-mail. I’ve gotten a few of those loverly “offers”. One chick couldn’t spell to save her life, so I told her that I could not possibly put her on my blogroll because her stupidity would make me look stupid. I never heard back from her!

  53. On January 15th, 2009 at 11:26 am ainebegonia Says:

    What is currently bringing me joy:

    1.I no longer live in Illinois but in Tucson where snow only happens once a decade and there is never enough to shovel.

    2. Luke’s cheese fries (the owners are from Chicago, so they do them right)

    3. Reading David Sedaris’s book Me Talk Pretty One Day

    Right now the list is only 3 things, but it’s enough

  54. On January 15th, 2009 at 8:52 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Hmmm, I see that I have been neglecting my stalking duties. I shall remedy that. By the way, can you send some more readers my way? LOL.

    My new FWB makes me laugh all day long. It’s great to not be sad or anxious for a change. Smooches, gummi bear!

  55. On January 16th, 2009 at 2:20 am baseballmom Says:

    Auntie B, you must send me an address…I have something awesome for Amelia!!!

  56. On January 16th, 2009 at 7:37 am Jenn Says:

    I’m totally stalking you when I write you an email. Just you know. 😉

  57. On January 17th, 2009 at 6:59 pm Fancy Says:

    Awww, you are making me happy today, sweetie! I adore your gummy-bear shapedness. They actually have a gummy bear lolly on a stick that I would send you if I wasn’t so damn broke! But that would be whining about my state, not empathizing with yours. Enjoy the ickle pink stuff. Baby girls are the best. I seriously worship my niecelings and their ballerina this and princess that.

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