Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

5 Million Nickelback CD’s. Or Maybe Not.


I’d been off and on The Twitter all day on Friday, rather than out and about pepper-spraying people to get a wicked deal on a TV set or some diamond earrings thanks to a particularly bad gravy hangover (Xanax Gravy, you should try it!). Whenever I’m on The Twitter, I pay a little bit of attention to the Trending Topics on the sidebar. Mostly because I want to know if the Zombie Apocalypse is starting but also because The Twitter feeds me my news.

Well, I saw that Nickelback was trending.

Fine, I said, as I trundled off to get buffalo wings with The Daver. Whatever. Prolly a new album or something.

Over dinner, we began talking about (oddly) Nickelback, who happened to be playing at the Lions versus Packers football game. I figured that was reason enough for their appearance upon the Twitter, but no.

“It turns out,” Daver said, “That Nickelback is getting a fuckton of backlash for their appearance at the game.”

“Really?” I raised my eyebrows as I slowly devoured buffalo wings, which are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

“Yeah,” he replied. “So their record company released a statement saying that they’d sold 5 million copies of their latest album and we should all shut our whore mouths.”

This got me thinking (a semi-dangerous pursuit, as we all know).

5 million albums.

Presumably bought by 5 million people.

So I promptly threw out a tweet asking about it:

I wasn’t being glib – I was genuinely curious.

Because even as I said it, I realized I didn’t know a SINGLE Nickelback song. Not one. I got on my i(can’t)Phone and popped onto YouTube (we SO live in the future, y’all). I simply threw “Nickelback” into the search box, figuring their biggest hits would pop up first and I could be all OH so it’s THOSE guys. Got it. The ire, I get! Or, people should shut their fucking whore mouths, this song rules!

Didn’t find a single song I recognized.

So I decided iTunes would never let me down and clicked over there through my i(suck at making calls from my)Phone.




Not a fucking thing I recognized. All I was able to ascertain was this:

1) Nickelback songs sound the same.

B) They’re Canadians.

So I waited for The Twitter to enlighten me.

Hrms. She’s Canadian. Okay, fair enough.

Now THAT is a fucking good point!

(Altho, my mom would NEVER buy 5 million copies of anything I sang. Which is fair)

AH-HA! My arch-nemesis! John C. Mayer would do ANYTHING to fuck mah shit up.

The Twitter’s consensus was that Canadians and Nickelback’s Moms bought all of the CD’s. But not ALL Canadians (I think I got unfollowed by 30 or so Canadians for using that blanket statement), I quickly learned.

That leaves wondering: who DOES buy Nickelback CD’s?

This is where you get to help me, Pranksters. Survey below should clear it up. Also: results are anonymous, so I won’t laugh and point if you say you have bought the CD’s.


[poll id=”7″]

39 Comments to

“5 Million Nickelback CD’s. Or Maybe Not.”

  1. On November 28th, 2011 at 10:58 am Elly Lou Says:

    You forgot the “I’d rather shove icepicks under my toenails than buy a Nickelback CD” option. *shudder*

  2. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:01 am Andie Says:

    I think I once had a burned copy of a Nickelback CD, but my memory of those times is hazy.

  3. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:01 am Ms Dreamer Says:

    Actually, my mom did buy the latest and greatest. I, however, prefer not to spend my money on that shiz…so I steal it from her, rip it to my i (love my i) Phone, and listen. Guess that makes me totally uncool, but I seem to like them. So, whatevs. 🙂

  4. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:02 am Andie Says:

    *am Canadian, in the name of full disclosure. Tragically Hip 4ever.

  5. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:02 am Miss Adventure Says:

    My ex, many years ago, made an mp3 file of Nickelback’s first and second singles (I can’t remember their names) with one coming in on the left side and the other coming in on the right. IDENTICAL PRETTY MUCH. They *are* the Aerosmith of the 00’s except without the coolness. They have one song which they change the lyrics to, that’s it.

  6. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:04 am Beth Says:

    I totally did. And, yes, all their ballads sound the same, but I like their rock stuff. I recommend “Woke Up This Morning”… but, then, I am most definitely not a music snob. I have New Kids on the Block on my iTunes and am proud of it. So take me with a grain of salt 😉

  7. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:05 am Jennifer June Says:

    I am Canadian. I also did not buy any Nickleback anything ever.
    And I honestly don’t know a single Canadian who has.
    I’m thinking maybe a) Their agent and manager bought all 5 million OR b) their mom’s have formed a mom-mafia out in Cowtown and every living human in Alberta each bought 1 and a half CDs. One or the other.

  8. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:06 am leigh Says:

    i’m canadian, and i would never buy a nickleback cd. in fact most of the canadians i know would never buy a nickleback cd… and if they did – we’d no longer be friends. i get that some people like them, but some people like a lot of stupid shit… it’s sad, but maybe they just don’t know any better.

  9. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:12 am Cathy Says:

    The closest I’ve ever been to buying a nickelback cd is when I was in the Facebook group called “I bet this pickle can get more fans than nickelback” ( and it did) (and chad Kroger was pissed!).

  10. On November 28th, 2011 at 12:13 pm leigh Says:

    We did the same thing for Stephan Harper (our Prime Minister,)… except.. I think it was an onion ring.

    the onion ring won.

  11. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:12 am Steve Bailey Says:

    I bought a Nickleback cd recently….. and I put in on….. and crank it up……. whenever Im constipated. Works every time!!

  12. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:31 am Grace Says:

    So Nickelback makes you poop? Good to know!

  13. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:19 am Brandon Says:

    Sorry, but the best of Nickelback has already been done. They’re like Hanson now, trying to hold on for one more hit, and beating the dead horse as much as they can.

    Either that or they have a contract with Satan, who is working on a new layer of Hell. Endless Nickelback is the 18th ring of Hell.

    Side note, what is this awesome awesome plugin you have for The Twitter that shows Klout scores? This is awesome. Like bacon-esque awesome.

  14. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:21 am Leanne Shirtliffe Says:

    Like Jennifer (above), I ruin the myth that Canadians have purchased it. I own none of their stuff, though they grew up only about an hour from where I live.

    I tweeted Friday that I prefer to debate things that really matter. Like boxes versus briefs.

    Happy Monday, AB!

  15. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:33 am Grace Says:

    Once upon a time, I was a step-mom to teenage boys. One of them wanted to go to the Nickelback concert, and I had no idea who they were. I looked them up and discovered I had heard a couple of their songs. To this day, I don’t remember what songs they were, and I’m not in a hurry to look it up again.

  16. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:42 am Justme Says:

    As a Winnipegger, I feel obliged to inform you that the Lions played the Blue Bombers, not the Packers. Yes, we lost, but we should at least be remembered for making it to the Grey Cup, right?

    (and noooo, I wasn’t invested in the game at ALL. *coughs*)

    Also, where’s the “I bought 2 songs and regretted it instantly” option?

  17. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:52 am June Berri Says:

    Hi Justme,

    I think Nickelback played at TWO football games this weekend. Ack! Coincidentally, both games included the Lions. Detriot Lions vs Green Bay Packers on Thursday (me thinks) in the NFL, which is where the outrage started. Then again last night in the CFL Grey Cup with the BC Lions and the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, which was more widely accepted since it was the CFL and Canadians and all that. As a huge football fan myself, and as a Canadian Nickelback Hater, this was quite disappointing.

  18. On November 28th, 2011 at 7:33 pm Grace Says:

    Hi Winnipegger! {waving at you from not too far across the boarder from you}

  19. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:44 am Caro Says:

    I blush with extreme shame but when I ALMOST got married, our first dance was gonna be to a NB song. It was his idea ! Now I it was a saving grace that spared me from a life of repetitive Canadian Muzak.

  20. On November 28th, 2011 at 11:58 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    The name seemed familiar too me so I had to check my music. Turns out I have “If Today Was Your Last Day” as part of some ‘workout jam’ compilation iTunes suggested to me at some point. Then I realized someone, not me & why DH would have is beyond my comprehension, bought the whole Dark Horse album. Or someone has hacked my computer and put the album onto it. I checked our iTunes account & there is no record of it being bought so I am at a loss.
    Perhaps 5 million people didn’t actually buy it but a few people did and then hacked into others’ computers and uploaded them so it just looks like 5 million copies were sold.

  21. On November 28th, 2011 at 12:26 pm Megaboo Says:

    I would so vote for Elly Lou’s option. I hate nickleback. Nickleback = butt rock. Makes sense it works as a natural laxative 🙂

  22. On November 28th, 2011 at 12:43 pm karen Says:

    The same outcry occurred when they played for the Grey Cup yesterday (Our version of whatever your Pro Football game is called, only we have 4 downs.)

    Besides. Their lyrics are horrifically women-hating so … ugh no. (Though I cannot lie, I have caught my dissociative ass humming along to their music — I blame Canadian content (cancon) laws for their existence on the radiowaves at all. We blame those same laws for such acts as Corey Hart and Glass Tiger too.

    I’m with Andie. Tragically Hip 4ever. Also? BNL.

  23. On November 28th, 2011 at 1:31 pm Andie Says:

    Yes. BNL. I don’t even care if Steven Page is a coke fiend, I will loves them forever.

    So many awesome bands come from canada, and what do we get recognized for? Motherfucking Nickelback.

  24. On November 28th, 2011 at 1:03 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    The real question is, what do their moms DO with all the cds? Coasters?

  25. On November 28th, 2011 at 1:17 pm Brian Says:

    My question? When will Daughtry go away?! He is the bastard child of a love connection between Nickelback and . . . and . . . some other suckfest of a band.

  26. On November 28th, 2011 at 1:19 pm Pete In Az Says:

    Speaking of the Zombie Apocalypse. It looks like Mexico city will be one of the epicenters:


    strawberry ice cream rules man…

  27. On November 28th, 2011 at 1:22 pm Pete In Az Says:


    Where’s my green triangle!?!?!!11

  28. On November 28th, 2011 at 2:30 pm jenniferG Says:

    Ya know how Radio Stations make up songs that are so damn annoying you wonder why you listen to said station? Well I thought RockStar was one of those songs and I wanted to toss my bathroom radio out the window whenever i heard it. Safe to say, I hate them. Then my husband thought it would be HA-LARIOUS to put that song on my itunes about 50 times over. I wanted to punch a’fool! Alas began the itunes war…

  29. On November 28th, 2011 at 4:34 pm Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd Says:

    I think it’s some sort of angry Secret Santa thing. People get someone they hate at the office as their Secret Santa…BOOM, Nickleback sells 5 million records.

  30. On November 28th, 2011 at 9:14 pm Sarah Says:

    I’m Canadian. ALL I know about Nickelback is that THEY’RE Canadian. I think that kids like them.

    If that’s the case (and not just a horrible rumour that I’ve started in order to get all the young’ins to think that they’re all Justin Bieber and buy them, hey, we have to support our own…), that explains why they’ve sold 5 million copies. Cause we all know that adults don’t have THAT kind of disposable income (we’re giving it all to our kids).

    Good luck with the conundrum.

  31. On November 29th, 2011 at 1:36 am JennJenn Says:

    There’s no option for “my son has it” or “my husband bought it”.
    I can listen to them… like… once in a year… and that’s only about 3 songs because then you can’t remember if you’ve listened to ‘that’ song or not – they really do sound all the same.
    Now Daughtry… I can listen to Daughtry.

  32. On November 29th, 2011 at 7:05 am Sarah PD Says:

    I am Canadian and I DID NOT NOR WOULD I EVER purchase a Nickelback CD, I laughed at everyone getting their panties in a bunch over them playing at the Lions/Packers game. My guess would be people from the West Coast and the Praries.

  33. On November 29th, 2011 at 8:02 am Di Says:

    A few weeks ago Nickelback’s “How You Remind Me” was a much-debated choice as one of Canada’s top 10 most influential songs of the 00’s, chosen by CBC. Apparently it is THE MOST PLAYED SONG on the radio, ANYWHERE, EVER. Who knew?? I’m Cdn and I didn’t. But I know I heard the song more than a few times. I could probably sing bits of it, it’s catchy enough. I don’t care enough to get vitriolic about it. (Here’s what I like about it: they rhyme “sorry” with “story”, which is totally Canadian. Like Robin Sparkles.)

  34. On November 29th, 2011 at 11:00 am Rox Says:

    I may just buy 1 or 8 of them for my co-workers. YOU ARE WELCOME COLLEAGUES! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  35. On November 29th, 2011 at 11:48 am Valerie Says:

    oh crap – I’m Canadian. Hubby and son went to a Nickleback concert for big 13th birthday – does the taste of a teen condemn me? They were big then (5 yrs ago) and rockin’ and I actually enjoyed all the songs b/c they sounded the same… but now they’re passe and even said son has moved on and would deny this.
    Don’t hate me – don’t paint Canadians with this brush, eh?

  36. On November 29th, 2011 at 12:41 pm leanne Says:

    So I was watching that game (Go Packers!) and saw the band and immediately thought “who are these guys?” (since I had missed the introduction, if there was one) And almost just as immediately I tuned them out.

  37. On November 29th, 2011 at 10:23 pm Tracie Says:

    I am half Canadian, and I did not even buy half of a Nickelback cd. Nor do I know even half of a song that they sing.

  38. On November 30th, 2011 at 7:05 am Caroline Says:

    Another Canadian here (of the French tribe). My ex (of the English tribe) and I use to make fun of the band when we went to the bathroom. We’d say “Damn I gotta go drop a nickleback after that steak” or “stay away from the shitters cuz Nickleback just played there” and when we went to a public bathroom and someone had done something there we’d say ” wow, someone just droped a fu@king bomb of a nickleback in the men’s bathroom……….gross”.

  39. On December 1st, 2011 at 11:04 pm Carri Says:

    Deaf assholes buy Nickelback albums.

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...