Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

2 Old People Shuffle Into A Bar…


Friday’s have historically been the day of the week I looked forward to the very most.

First, it was because we could get drunk off our ass and crawl out of bed to get some McDonald’s (hangover food) at whatever o’clock, our hair all mussed from the party the night before. Then it was because it was the day that signaled Dave would be home for two! whopping! days! and I’d be able to pee alone again. Later still, it signified a date with my daughter to dinner and then Target.

Now, Friday simply signifies the end of the week.

And with my weeks ranging from fucking awful to moderately awful, I’m usually ready for bed by 8PM (which, coincidentally is the same time of day I like to call “The Ugly Cry Time.”) Nights are harder for me than days, and while I’m told this “crying” is supposed to be “helpful,” which is a statement, I think, made by people who write Soap Operas. Because crying usually nets me this: a migraine and puffy eyes. Not exactly the glamorous, slow-tears-falling-from-the-eyes couple with dramatic sighs I’ve seen in movies. This makes me wonder if movies ALWAYS tell the truth, like I’d thought they did.

(next you’ll tell me that everything you read on the Internet is not, in fact, the truth, which I know it is. I mean LOOK AT THOSE WACKY CATS! They’re TOTALLY not photoshopped).


Alas, I digress.

Dawn had insisted that I go with her to check out the Lucky Boys Confusion – an old school Chicago-based band – to “get me out of the house.” Which, in theory, awesome. In reality, I was all, “oh fuck me, college bars and that shit. I fucking hate that bullshit.” But I put on my brave pants and decided that I could do it – I mean, I used to LOVE bars and I love music, so really, it’s a total win….right?

Except, that by the time this particular Friday rolled around, I was ready to do one thing: go sleep off the week.

A little after 8PM, Dawn picked me up and we headed out to Elmhurst, the suburb of Chicago in which I completed my Bachelor’s Degree in nursing. As I was a commuter student – had a squalling baby Ben at home – I didn’t ever get into the nightlife around Elmhurst. “In fact,” I said to Dawn on the way in, “I bet there IS no nightlife – this is fucking ELMHURST.”

She laughed.

We drove past such places as “the train station where I’d spent hours waiting on Metra to pick my sorry ass up,” and “the place with Shitty Chinese we sometimes went to between classes.” I was about to point out “the garbage can in which – this one time – I’d thrown away a granola bar wrapper,” when she suddenly turned and pulled into a parking structure I’d never before seen, a wise move on her part because really, I’d imagine that more stories about, “that’s the spot I once parked my car,” may have made her homicidal. She’d already stopped talking to me once I suggested we start an internet petition to change the name of my alma mater from “Elmhurst College” to “Prestigious Elmhurst University,” because “it sounded fancier.”


(I stared at that sign every day for three years! THREE YEARS!)

We roamed through the parking lot, looking for spaces as douchebags in cars with those fart-tip mufflers whipped around us. Carefully, we noted that the parking lot instructed that it was only to be used for “parking,” which ruined my plans of humping other cars.

Finally, we settled on a spot. As we emerged from the car, we saw this, which delighted me. I’m always a fan of people who also love i(can’t)Phones.


Just. *sniffs* beautiful.

Made even better by noting there was, in fact, a child seat in the car as well. Way to keep things classy, people.

We ambled around to the bar, both of us bemoaning that stupid parking lot sign – I mean, what if we wanted to do something like “have a dance party” in the parking lot? DON’T YOU BE TAKING AWAY MY DANCIN’ SHOES, MR. PARKING LOT PERSON.

The moment we walked in, I got carded, which made me feel marginally better since the place was teaming with people who appeared to be twelve. I instantly regretted that I hadn’t pushed Dawn to go play bingo with me at some church somewhere. I mean, I know you can play bingo online at places such as (it’s fancy because it has pound signs rather than dollar signs) or whatever, but I wanted to sit with old people and scream “YOU’RE A FUCKING LYING HO, SLUT! FUCK YOU!” whenever anyone else feebly yelled “BINGO.”

We made a beeline for the loo, because we’re old and old people have to pee. It was there that I became confused:


So…lemmie get this straight:

Bathrooms to the left.

Jokers to the right.


(answer: stuck in the middle with you)

In the bathroom, I used the singularly best app I own to ensure that the toddlers in there, who were all “OMG DID YOU SEE HOW MY NAILS ARE CHIPPED?” and “OMG THIS WATER IS SOOOOOOO HOT,” would have something to talk about.

The iFart app. Which rips the very best ass ever. Like I could BE so lucky to make that noise emanate from my own buttocks. Dawn, who was next to me, began to giggle, which really IS the only response to fart-bombing a bathroom. I made sure to make some groaning noises as I fired off “The Fartinator,” and “Rambowels,” one after the other, just for added effect.

The toddlers who were whining about their nails, mercifully stopped talking and left us old people to discuss adult diapers (I REALLY want to be sponsored by an adult diaper company, Pranksters). I happened to notice that the flock of toddlers hadn’t gone too far – they were standing at the empty downstairs bar obviously waiting to see who (or what) emerged from the bathroom. Dawn pointed at me, and I just shrugged at them, yelling, “welcome to your future, ladies,” as I climbed the stairs in search of a drinky-poo.

Finally, we wrangled our way to the bar where we gave the stink eye t0 a couple of people who were all “Imma sit here,” while I was all, “THAT SEAT HAS MY NAME ON IT, FUCKER!”

We sat down and began to people-watch. We noted a few key people who were part of the Chicago music scene, which made me happy in the pants, because we Chicagoans take ALL things related to Chicago VERY seriously. After I’d slurped down half my beer, I realized that behind me, there was what appeared to be a drag queen trying to knock me off my seat. Her? back was turned and she was all, wearing a leather jacket and all the fuck over this dude. I was baffled – he was just a dude. I also couldn’t see him very well because of the ginormous woman? who was practically rubbing her? vagina on his leg.

Then she moved slightly. And I saw it was the singer from AM Taxi – another Chicago band.

So I says on The Twitter:

groupies scare me

Because I was very, very afraid that VD would spread my way.

My girl Alexis saved the day, though:


She then sent me several packets of ciprofloxacin so that I, too, would be safe from the wily groupie VD. I’m going to track down the dude from AM Taxi to give him a few tabs, just because I like to look out for my people. And not with my vagina.

Dawn and I sat there for quite awhile, people-watching and bemoaning our oldness, while trying to figure out why people were running all willy-nilly around the Olympics with fire and shit. DON’T THEY KNOW THAT FIRE IS BAD? I do. You should see my finger.

About midnight, after the two of us had been yawning into our drinks for long enough, we left. The bar had become claustrophobically full of douchebags who I, naturally, photobombed.


Gee, I wonder if he’s single.

posted under It's Becky, Bitch
31 Comments to

“2 Old People Shuffle Into A Bar…”

  1. On July 30th, 2012 at 12:11 pm Andie Says:

    Sooooo getting that fart app right now!

  2. On July 30th, 2012 at 10:11 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It is worth it – I promise you that.

  3. On July 30th, 2012 at 11:10 pm Jaime Says:

    I love the fart app…. and the swear app.

  4. On July 30th, 2012 at 12:16 pm Dawnie Says:

    I fucking love you AB. Also, I fucking love not getting the clap from frat boys who smell like AXE for men. The next college bar we go to, Imma wear my shit kickin’ boots and show those hoes who’s boss.

  5. On July 30th, 2012 at 10:11 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Axe is the scent of desperate males everywhere.

  6. On July 30th, 2012 at 12:20 pm Marie Says:

    So, I don’t know if this is a phenomenon in other parts of the world, but we in Detroit, or rather a ‘burb called Royal Oak has drag queen bingo. You get to play bingo that is called by a drag queen. Hil-arious. You can even choose uncensored night, which obs I did.

  7. On July 30th, 2012 at 12:49 pm KT Says:

    I lived in RO for many years. LOVED it! Still head out on the nights I’m not playing mom.

  8. On July 30th, 2012 at 10:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    BEYOND awesome, right?

  9. On July 30th, 2012 at 12:57 pm Grace Says:

    I have a new goal in life – MUST GO TO DRAG QUEEN BINGO IN DETROIT!!!

  10. On July 30th, 2012 at 10:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Mine too!

  11. On July 30th, 2012 at 10:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I really, really need to go to this place!

  12. On July 31st, 2012 at 10:00 am KT Says:

    Royak Oak is the place to party in Detroit. Well, there are other places too, but RO is great.

  13. On July 30th, 2012 at 12:48 pm KT Says:

    Becky, i hated the first weeks and months when i separated from my now ex. each night was hard, especially when my babies were with him. and on nights they were with me, as much as i wanted them there, i also wanted them to go to bed so i could cry. cliche as it sounds, the crying will be less and less. until then, I suggest you get yourself totally engrossed in some good chic TV shows, movies or books. For starters I plowed through every episode of Gilmore Girls in those first months. Find some other tv shows you wanted to watch but couldn’t because of the busy life of a mom and just let yourself veg, watching many hours a day. Netflix is pretty cheap in the grand scheme of things and worth the investment when you need to get your mind off things. I’ll think of other movies and books that helped me. nothing heave. Ever. my brain couldn’t handle it. It’s only been recently that I’ve started reading books with more substance to them. I just couldn’t take a thinker for a few years. Don’t beat yourself up. Get lost in any good story you can, tv or movie!

  14. On July 30th, 2012 at 12:50 pm KT Says:

    Mad Men, SEcret Life of American Teenager, all things Kardashian. Yes, those last two embarass me to admit, but frankly, when your brain is fried from a divorce, this is just the shit you need to take your mind off it.

  15. On July 30th, 2012 at 10:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I really need to find some trashy TV and watch the SHIT out of it!

  16. On July 31st, 2012 at 10:02 am KT Says:

    it really helped me. cheesy movies. weekend at bernies is always good for a laugh. old eddie murphy stand up will make you pee your pants.

  17. On July 30th, 2012 at 12:58 pm Choleesa Says:

    Oh aunt Becky, you are so FULL of the Awesome!!!!
    I love fart humor….I would have farted in my pants………just laughing at you and your fart app…..
    I wish I would have been out with you guys!!!

  18. On July 30th, 2012 at 10:13 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha! Any time, love, you’re more than welcome to come along.

  19. On July 30th, 2012 at 1:00 pm Grace Says:

    REALLY wish I’d been with you!! Too bad I’m bringing kiddos with me this trip, or we would totally have to go recreate the Fart Ap in the bathroom moment! We wouldn’t even have to stay to deal with the douchebags – just fart bomb the bathrooms of young co-eds!

  20. On July 30th, 2012 at 10:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    We can SO do this.

  21. On July 30th, 2012 at 1:18 pm Chooplah Says:

    I want to make an iqueef joke, but I think it’d be too gross.

  22. On July 30th, 2012 at 10:13 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I might die of awesome if you did.

  23. On July 30th, 2012 at 2:53 pm Emilee Says:

    I too am from Chicago and wanted to point out that my husband and I do love to take all things related to Chicago VERY seriously. Especially because we live 11 hours away now so whenever we see some one wearing a bulls jersey or black hawks or BEARS we get really happy too 🙂

  24. On July 30th, 2012 at 10:13 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    EXACTLY! Being from Chicago means you wear it with pride.

  25. On July 31st, 2012 at 3:11 am alexis Says:

    I must have that APP. And anytime you need Ciproflaxin, i’m your woman.


  26. On July 31st, 2012 at 9:42 am Triplezmom Says:

    I want that app but I’m afraid of what my kids will do if they find it while playing on my phone. It will not improve dinner with the grandparents.

  27. On July 31st, 2012 at 11:37 am alexis Says:

    By the way, can the APP project the flatulation noises so that you can pick a person and make it seem as though he or she is the one producing the sounds, in the mode of a virtual Whoopie Cushion? That;s probably too much to hope for, but I had to ask.

  28. On July 31st, 2012 at 11:37 am alexis Says:

    By the way, can the APP project the flatulation noises so that you can pick a person and make it seem as though he or she is the one producing the sounds, in the mode of a virtual Whoopie Cushion? That;s probably too much to hope for, but I had to ask.

  29. On July 31st, 2012 at 2:48 pm Marta Says:

    This was my favorite:

    So…lemmie get this straight:

    Bathrooms to the left.

    Jokers to the right.


    (answer: stuck in the middle with you)

    You make me laugh like no one else.

    And yes, Chicagoans take all the things Chicago VERY seriously.

  30. On July 31st, 2012 at 4:13 pm steph gas Says:

    that kitten picture was totally not photoshopped. obvs.

  31. On July 31st, 2012 at 4:32 pm Jana Says:

    This post cracked me up because I live in Elmhurst and I know exactly what you mean about questioning the nightlife…..that is until I repeatedly found myself walking home from the local bars after nights out people watching! Hang in there, my friend. It will get easier.

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