Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

19th Nervous Breakdown


It’s a good damn thing that my Vitamin Z is making me feel loads better, otherwise I would feel completely overwhelmed by my youngest son’s newest trick.

He has gone from being pretty immobile to crawling literally overnight.

Now, by this age (10 months young) Ben was walking shufflingy along (I love how toddlers walk like little drunk people. It makes their tantrums completely endearing), so I’ve been pretty spoiled by Alex’s lack of movement.

I mean, it’s not like I’d planned on breaking his ickle legs to get him to stay where I put him, but I knew full well once this began, my hair was going to turn even more grey (as my kids are apt to do for me, God bless their hearts), and doing even a simple load of laundry was going to require a cocktail chaser.

It has, no doubt, but it is also completely endearing, watching him explore the house and finding joy in such things as splashing in the dog’s water bowl. The toilet holds a special fascination for him (probably because he has spent many months sitting on the floor as I crapped my brains out did my business) as does the diaper pail (mayhap he’s a bit bowel-obsessed, a habit which I can blame only on myself).

The animals are suitably underwhelmed by his sudden ability to follow them around screaming alternately “KATTY-CAT” or “DOOOOGIE” in their faces while he grabs handfuls of their hair. Maybe I should feel sorrier for them, but since this is something he has done to me for as long as I can remember, I can only find it humorous.

(Put down the phone, Dear Internet, and don’t bother calling DCFS on me; I don’t allow him to abuse them too much, and over archingly, they seem to like him. He’s a likable dude)

He is just doing his best to live up to his nickname of “The Monkey” with his ability to get into absolutely everything possible, and leave a trail of wreckage in his merry-making. It’s what he does best, afterall.

And I can always hire him out as a floor duster. He’ll be like a Swiffer, only more interactive. Shit, spray him down with Pledge and he’ll polish your furniture! Man, I am FULL of good ideas.

Any takers? Any suggestions?

19 Comments to

“19th Nervous Breakdown”

  1. On February 19th, 2008 at 1:46 pm Kristen Says:

    I always have a good chuckle at first time parents who are pushing their kids to crawl/walk/run. They have no flippin’ idea what they are getting themselves into. Of course it is about eighty times easier to run around after the first child than any that come after. I have pried more lego out of baby mouths than…
    Feeling your pain. ugh.

  2. On February 19th, 2008 at 1:54 pm Karen Says:

    I don’t have hardwood floors and I think polishing the table and other “high” furniture would be a problem. Good luck with your new job as a baby-chaser.

  3. On February 19th, 2008 at 2:01 pm Pauline Says:

    A leash? And this coming from a Social Worker. Ha ha. Just kidding. Good luck with this new phase!

  4. On February 19th, 2008 at 2:06 pm Emily Says:

    I wish Benjamin came with GPS.

  5. On February 19th, 2008 at 2:13 pm Ashley Says:

    can i roll him in duct tape and have him get all the cat hair off my couch? like an adorable chubby lint roller?

  6. On February 19th, 2008 at 2:13 pm TheRamblingHousewife Says:

    I was going to recommend a large cage (coming from me, an elementary teacher) but I see the social worker, beat me to a better suggestion!

    Gotta love public servants! 🙂

  7. On February 19th, 2008 at 3:48 pm kbreints Says:

    Mobile Kids… ugh! I sure miss the days of leaving them on a blanket and being able to walk away and finding them in the same place!

  8. On February 19th, 2008 at 3:57 pm Joann Says:

    That is so cute. Good luck on the new mobil
    child it is up hill from here. Let the games begin

  9. On February 19th, 2008 at 2:57 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    Oh, bring him over to my house! I hate doing the floors and my youngest walks like he’s only a bit tipsy now so I’ve had to give up baby swiffering.

  10. On February 19th, 2008 at 4:09 pm Lindz Says:

    oh the fun to make sure stairs are gated, doors are closed, it can make stuff a little harder, but the look in their eyes when they find something new and exciting, is wonderful.

  11. On February 19th, 2008 at 4:20 pm Doc Says:

    My sweet little 8 month old boy just took his first 5 steps on his own last night… Reading this just gave me a quick glimpse of my future. Funny… my wife referes to our little bundle of joy as “her little monkey” too… Best of luck chasing him. And Cheers!

  12. On February 19th, 2008 at 3:56 pm Heather Says:

    My first was satisfied to stay put and play gently with his toys. This one, not so much. I turn my head for ONE second, and she’s dismantled the house and gotten herself lost! It’s insane! Send him down here and we’ll let them chase each other in circles.

  13. On February 19th, 2008 at 4:49 pm The Milk Maid Says:

    Oh dear lord- do you have a long lost twin? I do the linkity-link, encounter your blog and find MY THOUGHTS coming out of your mouth (er, keyboard). Whooo- Let’s Pledge the babies and do some shooters– Cheers!

  14. On February 19th, 2008 at 6:10 pm ame s. Says:

    If you do decide to rent him out, schedule me in. He’s still small enough I could lift him to the ceiling and let him get the cobwebs with the feather duster.
    My older daughter walked at 10 months also, which made me worry a bit when my younger one was still cruising at a year old. Then, one fateful day, she released her hold on the couch and took `16 steps to grab a toy that had caught her eye, then fell down.

  15. On February 19th, 2008 at 8:01 pm honeywine Says:

    Hey, my mom actually did that! She’d hand me a damp cloth and make me dust once I could walk. She claims I liked it. I dust once every 6mos. now when I start to wonder if that’s gray snow on the table. So I have my doubts.

    I sympathize with the bathroom situation since I just took my first shower alone in six months (as in…without a puppy staring at the shower door whining and afraid…where’d mommy go?…is there a white bellied whale in that box?). Hey, that thing about not being able to pee with someone licking your belly wasn’t made up!

    Don’t worry, there’s a lull between the ages of 5 and 8…give or take three years. 😀

  16. On February 19th, 2008 at 8:55 pm Jessi Louise Says:

    Oh, I remember those days with my oldest. He couldn’t wait to get going and once he could, there was no stopping him. It wasn’t long and he was climbing. He is our monkey.

    My suggestion is to have another drink 😉

  17. On February 19th, 2008 at 9:49 pm becky Says:

    Man! No one told me that children could be used for practical purposes! Now I need to rethink my whole dog vs. kid preference.

    (Thanks for including me in your sidebar link!!)

  18. On February 20th, 2008 at 2:52 am Jenn Says:

    This reason alone was the reason I had children – someone else to do the house work. Too bad for me that I ended up with all boys and their DNA doesn’t allow them to clean up. Well – they do like to clean, up until about 6 years old – and its oh so cute (insert awwwwww! here). Then something happens – they decide that its not so fun to “help” anymore.

    Which reminds me – Its time to attempt to clean the house again.

  19. On February 21st, 2008 at 9:15 am LAS Says:

    I’ll borrow him! I think my kitty would like him!

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