Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

1.21 Gigawatts!


I’m always amazed when my kids do something clever. It’s not that I don’t think they’re smart…okay maybe it is. But I don’t really think any kids are smart. Shit, I wasn’t smart as a kid. Unless you call eating an entire tub of frosting with my tongue smart, which you cannot unless you’re a lying liar who lies.

People who are all “my kid is a fucking GENIUS!” make me sort of itchy because it’s very clear that they’re annoying.

Kids aren’t SUPPOSED to be smart because they’re kids. They’re supposed to do dumbass things like jump off the back of the couch onto their heads because it seemed like a good idea and they’re supposed to eat toothpaste because it’s tasty and they’re supposed to annoy the hell out of you by asking you over and over things like “WHERE’S MY HAND?” even though it is VERY CLEARLY attached to their arm.

They’re kids.

So when mine do things that are reasonably smart, I’m all “who the hell ARE you short people?”

But my middle son, the one that I’ve pegged to be a mini-Chris Farley at the ripe age of 2, because he routinely runs into walls on purpose so that he can fall down, only to spring back up and yell “I’M OKAY!!” he appears to have developed some odd habits.

I may have to stop lovingly calling him “Buckethead” and start calling him “The Professor.”

In the past month or so, he’s developed an obsession with two things. Two weird, maybe related, but nonetheless, strange things. Perhaps all of the jumping off the couch onto his head has jangled something loose. Because he now is infatuated with:

1) numbers (specifically the number 0)

B) The Andromeda Galaxy

This is the second of my children to take a more than passing interest in the planets (my first son could, by Alex’s age, name all 63 of Jupiter’s moons), and before you think that I’m somehow indoctrinating them with my own adoration of cosmology, let me assure you that I am not THAT kind of scientist. I’m a virus kinda girl, myself.

Ben has since grown out of his love of the planets and Alex has fallen headfirst in love all on his own. It’s beyond weird.

So watch out, Carl Sagan. Alex Harks is coming for you.

Just as soon as he gets his diaper changed.

Carl Sagan, JR

80 Comments to

“1.21 Gigawatts!”

  1. On February 18th, 2010 at 10:24 am Mandi Bone Says:

    Well if the science thing doesnt work for him he could a male model.He is a cutie!

  2. On February 18th, 2010 at 10:24 am Patty Punker Says:

    i want alex to marry my kendra. he is so adorable and brainy science guys are such a catch. can we arrange it now?

  3. On February 18th, 2010 at 10:56 am mysteryj Says:

    So cute!! The kind of cheeks that little old grannies like to pinch. But those eyes – are you sure he’s not the one who will take over the world?

  4. On February 18th, 2010 at 10:59 am Melissa Says:

    Okay, how much to purchase him now as my future son in law? Loves science? Check FREAKING ADORABLE? Check Can tolerate his mom? ummm Check
    Yep, he meets the criteria. To whom do I address the check?

  5. On February 18th, 2010 at 10:59 am Stephanie Says:

    I like the number 0 as well. It’s got a lovely round shape (not unlike my own).

    Alex reminds me of Parker (Booth’s son on Bones; David Boreanaz is mine – back the shiz off!) – he’s too damn cute for words.

    Rock out, Alex – kick Carl Sagan’s ass to the curb!

  6. On February 18th, 2010 at 10:59 am Melissa Says:

    Okay, how much to purchase him now as my future son in law?
    Loves science? Check
    I can tolerate his mom? ummm Check

    Yep, he meets the criteria. To whom do I address the check?

  7. On February 18th, 2010 at 11:00 am Melissa Says:

    And apparently I need his brains because I’m not smart enough not to double comment! Be sure and teach him to be kind to his mother in law and there will be extra in it for you on the wedding day.

  8. On February 18th, 2010 at 11:12 am Theta Mom Says:

    Can he be any freakin cuter???

  9. On February 18th, 2010 at 11:24 am Almostaraider Says:

    Your kids are fucking awesome! My eldest has Aspergers, his fascination has changed a few times over the years but his first one was wheels. He’d pull all the wheels off his toys at the age of 2! Then it was dinosaurs, “actually MOM that is a triceratops” he’d sass back, at age 2! Most adults can’t use words that big in a Sentence correctly! >.>

  10. On February 18th, 2010 at 11:31 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Sounds JUST like Ben! HA! They’d be awesome friends.

  11. On February 18th, 2010 at 11:29 am a Says:

    Well, I have come upon a source of income for you…if you would just arrange a marriage for Alex to one of your commenter’s children, you could spend the next 20 years collecting the dowry.

    I’m not surprised that he’s smart. And, I’m sure Amelia will have a plan for world domination in place within the next few months.

  12. On February 18th, 2010 at 11:35 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Probably he needs to know the planets so he can help take over the universe

  13. On February 18th, 2010 at 11:36 am Sara @ Life With the Two Says:

    I love when my kids act like idiots. We only have like 7 TV channels, so without them throwing themselves off the top bunk, or biting into a wedge of lemon for the 5th time in a day, I would be even more bored than I already am.

    Seriously, I do believe it would be impossible for that child to be any more adorable.

  14. On February 18th, 2010 at 11:36 am C @ Kid Things Says:

    Your kids are already smarter than me. I didn’t even know that Jupiter had 63 moons.

  15. On February 18th, 2010 at 11:39 am kbrients Says:

    I think that it is really cool when young-uns come up with things that they LOVE so early.

  16. On February 18th, 2010 at 11:50 am Melissa Says:

    my son’s favourite joke is about 0! (remember… he’s 6… this is high humour for him!)

    What did the 0 say to the 8?

    nice belt!

  17. On February 18th, 2010 at 11:55 am P T Says:

    he’s so adorable…I wanna ruffle his hair!

  18. On February 18th, 2010 at 12:34 pm avasmommy Says:

    Professor Buckethead? Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

    He’s going to be one of those intellectual types with the glasses and the serious looks.A ll the college girls will scramble to take *his* class and fight over who sits in the front row. πŸ™‚

  19. On February 18th, 2010 at 1:49 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Professor Buckethead. HAH. It does sound rather dashing, doesn’t it?

  20. On February 18th, 2010 at 12:38 pm Kelly Says:

    All weekend, Mea kept asking and asking and asking for random things that have been missing for months. We have torn the entire house apart on many occasions looking for her keys, her gameboy, her pencil (but not that pencil!), her baby’s diaper, her barbie’s shoe, her silverwear for the tea party set, that dress up earring, that one necklace, etc.

    It was a long weekend.

  21. On February 18th, 2010 at 1:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. It so was. It’s been a long week. SHOOT ME.

  22. On February 18th, 2010 at 12:55 pm Tiffany Says:

    Fuck me sideways with a chainsaw!! I am soooo glad I’m done reproducing because that picture makes me think CRAZY things.

  23. On February 18th, 2010 at 1:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Doesn’t he look like a 70’s heartthrob?

  24. On February 18th, 2010 at 12:58 pm existentialwaitress Says:

    What a little cutie pie! Yeah, my four year-old is a fan of asking the same mundane questions over and over and over again. B/c THAT’S fun.

  25. On February 18th, 2010 at 1:48 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. Alex insists on asking me “what time is it?” every 2.1 seconds. I want to throttle myself.

  26. On February 18th, 2010 at 1:16 pm Katie G Says:

    When I was a little older than that (I think 4), I apparently used to walk around spouting off facts about sharks. Had a little shark book, I guess, and I’d just walk around, talking about them.

  27. On February 18th, 2010 at 1:47 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That’s flipping COOL! I loved dinosaurs! Especially the T-Rex.

  28. On February 18th, 2010 at 1:24 pm MamaCas Says:

    This should be cross-stitched onto a pillow somewhere:

    “They’re supposed to do dumbass things. They’re KIDS.”

    Or maybe, when you leave the hospital with you’re new little one, you should be forced to sign a paper that states: “I fully understand that dumbass things will be happening. They’re KIDS.” That would have saved me a lot of time spent banging my head against a wall.

  29. On February 18th, 2010 at 1:46 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    We should totally cross-stitch that onto stuff. And give it to the REALLY obnoxious parents.

  30. On February 18th, 2010 at 1:40 pm Cara Says:

    You never know what is going to spark their interest. My daughter is learning her numbers in Japanese. She is 7.

  31. On February 18th, 2010 at 1:45 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Ben loved those too! He learned them when he was 2 or 3. Had a thing for languages. I wish I did. I’d probably be a better person.

  32. On February 18th, 2010 at 2:00 pm MrsLaLa Says:

    First of all, OMG he is a cutie! And second, rock on with your smartie pants little ones. =) I have to admit, I’m hoping that at least one of mine gets the science gene as well.

  33. On February 18th, 2010 at 2:07 pm Vinomom Says:

    His haircut reminds me a little bit of Chris Farley. Living in a Van Down by the River. lol

    No seriously though, he is freakin adorable. If he stays that cute he won’t need to know anything at all. He’ll get by on good looks alone. You know, Like I do.

  34. On February 18th, 2010 at 2:15 pm Lynette Says:

    ohhhhh my, I have just discovered the world of funny bloggers( give me a break, I am old and low tech), laughing my tush off!!! Sooooooo, I am late for the party, I will bring good wine,lol
    Thanks for sharing your funny self with us!

  35. On February 18th, 2010 at 2:22 pm Jennifer Says:

    HA! I love how he has this whole, “I’m 1,000 times smarter than you, bitch, and you and I both know it,” look on his face. Classic. My kid gives me a similar look now at *almost* one, but hers is more of a, “Mom, you know you’re fucking ridiculous – we both know my nose is in the middle of my face, so stop asking,” sort of a thing.

  36. On February 18th, 2010 at 2:28 pm Fawn - Like A Deer Says:

    My kid actually is a genius. Well. One of them is. Don’t tell the other three that I said that. He’s effin’ gorgeous to boot. We are in trouble, methinks!

  37. On February 18th, 2010 at 2:31 pm Heather (qtberryhead) Says:

    I was just completely charmed by the fact Alex and Amelias pictures are inches away from each other and they’re sharing similiar expressions. Adorable babies you have!

  38. On February 18th, 2010 at 3:07 pm Brae Says:

    So cute!!! My 3 year old son has wanted to be an astronaut since he could crawl. LOL. He wants to be the first person on Mars. He doesn’t know all those moons, but he does know all the planets (including pluto. I don’t care if they say it’s not a planet, it was when I was a kid, so it counts.)

  39. On February 18th, 2010 at 3:56 pm KeepingYouAwake Says:

    Keep an eye on all of your electronic devices and kitchenwares. If he cracks, there’s no telling what he’ll build. To get on his good side, buy him something nice and say it’s from me. πŸ˜‰

  40. On February 18th, 2010 at 4:08 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    Oh man….that is one cute kid. And of course he’s annoying. He’s a kid! But the awesome bit is, you will learn so much stuff too!

  41. On February 18th, 2010 at 4:12 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Lord, he is a beauty!

  42. On February 18th, 2010 at 4:24 pm Jennifer Says:

    Kids are smarter than most people give them credit for. Learning new things is fun and exciting for them. Somehow too many kids lose that natural love of learning along the way and it becomes boring and tedious. Seems almost criminal to me. I have my theories about why this happens but my comment would probably be too political so I’ll keep my thoughts to myself. I will say I had some excellent teachers who loved their students and were passionate about teaching. Hope Alex gets lucky and has plenty of those kinds of teachers. They are my heroes. We can never have too many Carl Sagans. Loved that man!

  43. On February 18th, 2010 at 4:29 pm Rebecca Says:

    I love love love his hair. So soft and shiny and….cute!!

    My daughter is really smart, way smarter than I would ever imagine my own offspring being……..but the truth of the matter is that she excels at some things and needs to work hard on other things…..put it all together and she’s just about average.

    My son….he’s still taking it all in……..doesn’t want to show off or anything….but one day, he’ll show us all…..right??? Please tell me that I’m right

  44. On February 18th, 2010 at 4:45 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Your son is gonna kick everyone’s ass.

  45. On February 18th, 2010 at 4:44 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    My oldest son is like that, too. He’s been keyed in on all things Titanic-related since he was seven, and the idea of exploring and discovering pieces of history have kind of played in as a result. Of course, he still insists he’s going to be a pro basketball player, but eh, we’ll see.

  46. On February 18th, 2010 at 9:09 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I was pretty sure I was a child prodigy. I was not.

  47. On February 18th, 2010 at 4:49 pm linlah Says:

    My boy also rocked that hair style when he was younger and only because it covered up the fact he might not have hair by the time he was 30. He thanks me now. Ok, maybe not.

  48. On February 18th, 2010 at 9:09 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    My brother shudders whenever he sees my children and their moppet heads. Because he, too, was subjected to that hair. Unlike me, though, HE doesn’t think it was adorable. Too bad for him, though, because my kids look great. They’ll hate me and I do not care. (they’ll be bald and/or grey by my age)

  49. On February 18th, 2010 at 5:28 pm Mikey D Says:

    You joke now, but one day one of your kids will ask where their hand is, and it won’t be attached to their arm, and boy will your face be red.

    I also had to double check your factoid about Jupiter having 63 moons, sounds like something I would make up.

  50. On February 18th, 2010 at 9:08 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahaha! Doesn’t it sound fake?

  51. On February 18th, 2010 at 7:10 pm Melissa Says:

    Oh, I love love love his hair. I wish my sister wasnt such a tightass about keeping my nephew’s hair super short.

    I also wish she would realize that she cant cut hair and she makes him look like a dork. A mighty cute dork, but still. And she always cuts both of the kids hair the day before school photos and then wonders why they always come out so terrible.

  52. On February 18th, 2010 at 9:07 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Long hair on little boys is simply adorable. Especially when their heads are so large that small planets orbit it (my children have huuuggge heads.).

  53. On February 18th, 2010 at 7:13 pm Agape Says:

    Dude, that child is so cute, I think I want to eat him up. The fact that he even can pronounce “andromeda” makes him THAT much more savory to my taste buds. ADORABLE.

  54. On February 18th, 2010 at 9:06 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The kid is 40 frajillion times smarter than I was. I’m pretty sure I was eating my own boogers at that age.

  55. On February 19th, 2010 at 5:27 pm Agape Says:

    Aunt Beck. I can call you that right? We’re tight enough for me to give you a nickname, no? Anyhew, you simply MUST stop responding to my comments. i declare I do feel like a celebrity of sorts that Aunt Becky HERSELF is responding to my measly oral vomit. I’m so accustomed to OTHER bloggers, who shall remain nameless, but who like to sniff forearms and sneak a hand around a pair o’ chaps, who don’t have time for their constituents. I’m so DESPERATELY hoping you win the bloggie…after all, that’s how I found you and you SOOOO deserve it. You don’t need to look for another job. Your star is on the rise and when you win that bloggie, It’ll shoot to the moon and suddenly you’ll be pulling a cool million down from advertisers just to talk about the color of the shit you took this morning. I love ya, wish you lived around the corner and hope this year jumps up and smacks you with the most delicious surprises and wonderessness EVA. All my love to ya.! And thanks for making me feel so special by responding to my comments.

  56. On February 18th, 2010 at 7:19 pm Will Says:

    Adorable, Aunt B! You’ve got yourself a smart, cute kid – destined to grow up to be the kind of smart, cute person who can eat like an entire pizza and wash it down with a gallon of soda and not gain a pound. And he’ll do it waxing philosophical and winning every argument. I hate those people. Stop him – stop him in his tracks now!

  57. On February 18th, 2010 at 9:05 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    He’s going to be the frat boy you invite to your parties just to see what he’ll do next. Will he eat the bar of soap on a dare? MAYBE.

    (he’s his mother’s son. That’s ALL I’m going to say about that)

  58. On February 18th, 2010 at 8:30 pm cindermommy Says:

    It drives me crazy when my Facebook peeps ramble on about “Tonight I am going to work on 3 yr. old Sandy on her consonant blends” because I feel like they are taking something away from the pure joy of childhood. But Alex– he’s a smart kid I could totally get behind! =) Because it’s his interests and that’s freakin’ awesome.

  59. On February 18th, 2010 at 9:04 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha! I am officially in love with you.

  60. On February 18th, 2010 at 10:41 pm Kristin Says:

    So, the burning question in my mind is, “Does Alex Harks think Pluto is a planet?”

  61. On February 18th, 2010 at 10:41 pm Dawn Says:


    AND he’s a science/space nerd. My kinda kid.

  62. On February 18th, 2010 at 11:27 pm luna Says:

    oh my, what a cutie. love his ‘do!

  63. On February 19th, 2010 at 12:27 am Krissa Says:

    Change that diaper, mom! He’s ready for anything! Alex will be answering all the questions that Carl Sagan left unanswered!
    Not to mention, he’s cute as a bug!

  64. On February 19th, 2010 at 1:45 am Beautiful Mess Says:

    Ooohhh HOW cool! Umm my daughter is pretty smart. She LOVES math. But my son? Not so much. He would eat a tub of butter with his tongue is he could figure out which butter tub in the fridge actually has butter in it. Guess he takes after me ;o)

  65. On February 19th, 2010 at 6:26 am SciFi Dad Says:

    The world needs more cosmologists who are into physical comedy.

  66. On February 19th, 2010 at 6:41 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    He would be WAY cuter than Carl Sagan, that’s for sure.

  67. On February 19th, 2010 at 8:12 am Lisa Says:

    I just ovulated!

  68. On February 19th, 2010 at 9:45 am Coco Says:

    Alex could totally take Carl Sagan in a fight. Look at that little face! (Alex’s, not Carl’s.)(Is Carl dead? Because then I will feel stupid)

  69. On February 19th, 2010 at 9:51 am Mystern Says:

    Yay for Science! And the fact that your child is fascinated by the number 0 says a lot about the way his mind works. Think of it this way: Romans could never have done higher mathematics because while they counted in base 10, they never had anything to represent a lack of a number (does your brain hurt yet?). In delving further into the world of 0, you could also reason that your child is fascinated by the concept of infinity, as appropriately represented by a complete lack of anything.

    Yeah . . . I’m gonna shut up now

  70. On February 19th, 2010 at 11:29 am Trista Says:

    I just snorted soup through my nose (and thanks for that) -“Where’s my hand?” Bwahaha – I can so identify because my kid does equally annoying/nonsensical things. And you are probably going to hate my next post,which is all about my child and her giant, giant, genius brain. And also her need to wear a collander on her head whenever she’s in the kitchen, because apparently those two things are not mutually exclusive.
    Um, Becky? Your kids are smart with a capital Smartie Pants if they’re loving planets before the age of 2. My kid can barely say her own name, and wouldn’t know a planet if one fell on her. And Alex? Adorable.

  71. On February 19th, 2010 at 11:38 am The Crazy Suburban Mom Says:

    I love kids because they are exactly what parents who gush over how smart they are, need. It almost never fails that some parent will be annoying me about how brilliant their kid is, and I’m having not only ridiculous amount of trouble being kind but also a significant amount of trouble staying awake listening to the Eisenstein ccomplishments of Junior and just than Junior (bless him) will walk in from outside for mommy to help him get the dirt he was just trying to eat out of his mouth…

  72. On February 19th, 2010 at 6:46 pm Sharon Says:

    Your kids make my uterus hurt. Again. Have you no concern for the the menopausal? Won’t somebody please think of the middle-aged mothers?!

  73. On February 19th, 2010 at 7:38 pm mumma boo Says:

    I’m with you, Sharon! Both of my ovaries just exploded looking at that adorable face. Must.nom.those.cheeks.NOW!!

  74. On February 19th, 2010 at 8:34 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    He is adorable! I love when kids develop these super unique interestes all on their own. . . that’s awesome!

  75. On February 20th, 2010 at 10:30 am MommyNamedApril Says:

    kids are so weird. mine can’t seem to grasp the toilet thing AT ALL. yet, they can name every species of dinosaur on sight. even the cartoon versions. WTF?

  76. On February 20th, 2010 at 11:05 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Isn’t it weird how kids get some concepts and not others? Mine won’t potty train until he’s like 17, but he loves the Andromeda Galaxy. W. T. F? is right.

  77. On February 20th, 2010 at 10:44 am Alicia @bethsix Says:

    When Kieran was little, he was IN LOVE with machines. Any machine, really, but the washing machine, in particular. He learned how to use it and would literally WATCH it for hours. We’d go in, and he’d tell us it was about to start the second spin cycle. One Christmas when he was like 2, we were opening presents with my family, and my aunt got a robe or something. He SHOT up, darted over to her, grabbed it out of her hands, ran to my grandma’s utility room, and threw it in the washer. Sadly, he kinda got over this fascination and now can’t be bothered to put his nighttime pee pants in the laundry.

  78. On February 20th, 2010 at 11:04 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I was going to say, “Can I borrow him? Like this weekend maybe?” I could use someone to help me with my laundry.

  79. On February 23rd, 2010 at 10:53 am Kristine Says:

    My son’s obsession is Handy Manny. I’d prefer something a little more academic myself.

  80. On March 17th, 2010 at 6:01 am Kendra Says:

    What an adorable little person! I love those obsessions, and good for you for riding that line, encouraging their passions while not enrolling them in the all-Andromeda super competitive preschool for kids who are definitely going to chance the face of physics. And what an amazing thing to be obsessed with, the number 0! That’s really insightful of him, to realize how important that number is and the power that it has (I remember reading that the Romans had no number 0, and though they were very innovative and creative, the lack of an expression for that number seriously limited how far they could go).

    Plus he’s just gorgeous.

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