Aunt Becky Needs A Stunt Double To Cry
No, Fair Reader, your eyes are NOT deceiving you, I did change my layout! It wasn’t that the lovely and talented Admin’s design wasn’t awesome, it was just that I needed something that was widget ready.
Do let me know if you see something wonky and let me know which operating system you use, because I have a Mac, which should mean something to someone besides the guy on the Mac commercial.
Also, I added a feature called “threaded comments” which, means that I can now easily reply to your comments VIA EMAIL. So, rather than adding a pithy and no doubt insightful comment inside the comment box, I am now attempting to reply through email.
This means two things:
1) if you actually care to see what I have to say, check that you’ve left me a valid email address
b) don’t reply to the email directly because I think that it would go to email purgatory.
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Back at the beginning of the summer, I went to see a shrink for exactly one visit before determining:
1) that I would never be the sort of person who would be comfortable sitting around discussing My Feelings without feeling like more of a narcissist than I already do (I blog, people. Come ON!)
b) My mental health benefit sucks balls.
But while I was there, I got to take this big fancy test, which thrilled me intensely, because I happen to adore taking tests. ESPECIALLY ones that have questions like, “I have flown across the ocean 45 times this week” because the answer is an obvious YES.
From this inventory, among other things, it was determined that I have incredible difficulties with Feelings. I don’t understand them. I don’t know how to express them. I don’t know what to do with them when I feel them. He suggested that I might need to go back and somehow relearn all about feelings.
Some of you are probably rolling your eyes right now because it sounds pretty far-fetched, but I think the dude and his 212 question inventory was probably on to something here.
While I have managed to escape my fucked up childhood relatively unscathed, I’m not sure that you can say to your husband, like I did on Sunday night conversationally, “Well, no matter what you do, I mean, don’t feel TOO bad, because you know, at least YOU didn’t cancel CHRISTMAS for me, heh-heh-heh. Sure, maybe you were late coming home this week, but you didn’t cancel Christmas.”
Did you catch that?
I made a joke about the time my mother canceled Christmas for me to make someone else feel better. Because it happened. She did. Everyone else had Christmas as usual. Except me. Other people got me stuff, just not her. I’d been “too bad that year.” And the kicker? If I brought it up, no one would remember it.
Now, that situation is a lot of things, but it’s not very funny. I don’t find it funny, I think it’s awful and it’s sad.
I do that a lot of the time when I shouldn’t: I discount the things that I’m going through. I’m sure there’s some jargon for it, but I’m not a psychologist and I wouldn’t know how to Google it if I could, so I won’t. So, here on Mommy Wants Vodka, we can call it the Other People Have No Legs Syndrome.
Or the Reverse Pain Olympics, if you prefer.
Because in the Pain Olympics, if you have a splinter in your finger, I have a stake though my arm and require immediate blood transfusions, sympathy cards, a parade in my honor and several crosses to get on.
But in the Other People Have No Legs Syndrome, rather than allowing yourself to feel badly for, oh I don’t know, maybe having a bad day just because you had a bad day, you’re stuck thinking “well, how can *I* be upset about being overtired when there are people in the world WITHOUT LEGS.”
So you don’t feel bad about your day, you move on. Eventually, though this builds up.
I’ve had a really hard year.
I don’t tend to blog about it anymore, because I’m kind of tired of how those kinds of posts bring out the leg-less, armless, fingerless masses. One might wonder how these people type, but, I’m fairly sure that even assholes can figure out how to make their point clear. Maybe they can type with their tongues, which must make them amazing at performing oral sex.
But somehow along the lines I’ve decided that’s how one is supposed to deal with these sorts of hard situations, you know, being a single parent during the week, having had a stressful childhood, day-to-day bad days: by just pretending that they just don’t exist.
As one of my wise commentors and friends pointed out, denial is a very powerful and often useful thing because it allows you to get through the hardest times without falling apart into a blubbering pile of goo.
But when that’s the only way that you can manage your problems, is by saying, “well, at least it’s not cancer!!” That takes away from the very real day to day problems that I do have and you know what?
That isn’t fair. So this is me, trying to give myself permission to have feelings and allow myself to feel them.
This isn’t an earth shattering revelation and probably to many it seems like it should be a “well, DUH” sort of moment, but even the very act of writing this down here, having to form coherent thoughts (shut UP) has really helped me. I feel like a weight that I didn’t know I’d been slogging around behind me has been lifted now.
And don’t worry, before all of you frantically claw your way to the “UNSUBSCRIBE” button, I don’t plan on turning this into a blog about my feelings. They’re still boring and trite and don’t make a whole lot of sense and while it may not seem this way, I do keep some amount of things to myself.
So this is me, Your Aunt Becky dipping a toe in the water here. I can’t ever picture myself as one of those people sculpting what “anger” looks like in clay form and I don’t think I’ll devote years of my life writing bad poetry about my sadness, but maybe I’ll learn something.
Maybe I won’t.
Progress, not perfection. Because if I were perfect, I totally have flown the around the world 45 times this week while curing cancer and baldness and world hunger.
My doctor lady made sure that I saw a mental health counselor instead of a shrink. She felt like tests and whatnot would pretty much be anti helpful. I wasn’t sure I’d be into therapy at all so I’m super surprised at how helpful it’s been. We don’t spend much time talking about my feelings (thank GOD). We mostly talk about life/coping skills. Which I need.
Except I snicker and put a z at the end of skills a lot.
Coping skills are a lot more important than talking about feelings and how our parents screwed us up, I think. Because, OBVIOUSLY.
PS NICE BLAWG
here’s one future psychologist telling you it’s totally fine to need to work on expressing and learning the relative merits of your emotions AND, in moderation, operating in total denial. defense mechanisms, aka coping styles, are just that: ways to help you cope. they’re not all completely good for you, but they work.
Good lord how I wish I had the answer for you. It took me SO LONG (and lots of therapy) to realize that someone is always going have it worse than me, but that doesn’t diminish what I’m going through. My problems are mine and they are as bad as it gets for me. (Sidenote: wouldn’t it totally suck to be the guy who has it the worst out of everyone in the world??) But think about it this way- you’ve got it worse than a lot of people out there. You’ve been through a lot, been very strong, and some people can’t say the same. Let yourself be sad for what you’ve gone through, because you didn’t deserve it. Mourn what you missed or what you lost, and then let yourself be damn proud that you came out of it a better person.
Ok… what I see is REALLY not what you were going for. I will e-mail it to you but basically I’m only seeing one strip of your website. 🙂
Ok, I e-mailed you what those of us in IE are seeing. Now on to the post… I am with you. 100%. Have you considered Al-anon? I know… us crazy people but it has totally helped me so I thought I’d throw it out there. I am completely one of those people who never felt ANYTHING. If I could stuff it I wouldn’t fall apart.
So my drug addict husband left me in the hospital when our son was two hours old. No big deal. There are people dying of cancer. I was ok, I got through it. That sort of thing.
Now, I’m able to say hey… that sucked. A LOT.
Progress… 🙂
What amazes me is what we can write off as being “not that bad.” Things that really ARE that bad to anyone else, but to us, well, they’re “okay.”
Progress.
And I do consider Al-Anon meetings often. I’m scared to go, to be honest. I really am.
Your blog looks great!!! I don’t see any problems and I’m on a PC using Chrome.
I cannot believe your mom cancelled your Christmas – that sucks beyond any explanation.
I can understand using denial to deal. I’m so glad that you feel like a weight has been lifted off of you, just by talking about it.
Go Girl!
It’s wild how much just admitting something like this just lifts the weight. I feel lighter today than I have in months.
Maybe you could work out your issues through interpretive dance. Or breaking shit. Same thing.
If I ever work through ANYTHING using interpretive dance, I will shoot myself.
I love you, Aunt Becky, glaring imperfections and all.
Because yes, you do have to just deal and get through the day, but you also have to keep in mind that sometimes you have to actually deal with the problems. And I think, my darling, you are doing a pretty damn good job coping and trying your best to fix things.
I also think that time will help… Time, understanding, and lots of Vodka, Vicodin and a Vibrator.
The great “V” trifecta.
It’d be like sex with the Energizer Bunny while on an acid trip. Wicked, no? 😉
Also, your new layout is fabulous!
Dealing with problems? You mean I have to FACE THINGS? REALLY?
Well, fuck me sideways.
I think there’s supposed to be a background or something that’s not loading for me. I’m on a PC using Firefox.
*sighs* Yeah, some of the browsers aren’t digging on the theme. I guess you get what you pay for. *sighs*
There really needs to be a cure for baldness, so that’s good.
Dip that toe, woman. I’m reading regardless. I’ve always wanted a wise “old” Auntie to share their feeling w/ me. Mine are all old biddies and don’t say shit.
Also.
New blog is gorgeous.
Also Also. Your blog list is LONG. I used to read Clown Baby – from another message board. She has a new lil one…you know dat?
I’m done w/ the also’s.
My blog list is out of control, isn’t it? And I know Clown Baby has another one! She’s my FB BFF!
Your new layout makes me feel chipper – or maybe that’s my coffee talking, always so hard to say. Progress not perfection IS what it’s all about. I know this because my best gay friend in the world who doesn’t just go to his AA meetings, but his GAY-A meetings (YES, they have those) told me so and he knows these things. Also, I’m just guessing here from some of your posts, but since reading is always (always!) cheaper than therapy, try some of the ACOA books (adult children of alcoholics) – they’ve told me awesome things like “it’s okay to just live. Give yourself permission to be a person.” Sounds retarded, but uh, I’m a bit hard on myself and I am betting you are too – and yes denial can be your friend, but living life is good too. I’ll stop now. I haven’t read enough books and DEF haven’t had enough therapy to give more advice!
Giving yourself permission to be a person is really important. Just like giving yourself permission to have a bad day, while sounding SO DUMB, is really important.
I wonder if I could go to a GAY-A meeting. I’m straight, but I once was a fag-hag.
No Christmas for you! What the hell? That’s just pure crazy. My parents canceled my sweet 16 party, same excuse, I had been “bad” all year. I say the punishment should fit the crime. So to parents like ours I would say they lack imagination.
Using PC Firefox and no problems for me.
I can see it in Mac Firefox, too.
They canceled your Sweet Sixteen? Did it make you sad?
i cant read your blog. half the screen is covered by a white column. maybe the new blog format doesnt work well with windows vista?
I think that my new theme hates me. *sighs* I need to change it, but I need to wait for Dave who is working. Stupid working.
You sly little bitch! I haven’t even finished my first cup of coffee, so I was VERY confused as to why everything was different. It didn’t occur to me that you wold change it, I immediately thought I was on the wrong page *sigh* my brain is fried. it looks great, though! Very “springy”.
I think feelings are a good thing. Well, they can be a good thing. The people that are ALWAYS talking about how they feel? Those are the people I would like to run over with my car. But just acknowledging that you had a craptacular day or someone is being an asshole and it’s unwarranted, it’s necessary. People do care if you’re having a crap day. Well, your friends do at least. The people that don’t care, don’t matter.
I hope your day goes better today. Email me if you would like to bitch about it.
*HUGS*
Personally, I can’t see what you’ve written because the middle third of the screen is a white block that covers the right half of text.
The new layout looks pretty, but I only really see about 2 inches of it on the left and 2 inches on the right with a big white thing in the middle. I’m running Explorer at work.
RE: Feelings. They’re funny buggers and not easy to deal with sometimes. I do think that those charts with the different characters on them can be helpful for the kiddos and wouldn’t think less of you if you used them. 😉
I’ve used your “but at least I have lets” comment before regarding some of my ickys and frankly it helps. So thank you!
Personally, I love a good therapist because I am that narcissistic that I need to both blog and talk about myself in occasional private sessions. She tends to agree with my assessments, so I leave feeling smarter than ever. However, I don’t kid myself that she actually gives two shits. I am paying her out the ass thanks to my (like your) shitty health coverage. So now I’m paying someone to agree with me, tell me I’m amazing, and try to get my hubby in for group sessions so she can probably tell him the same things and we can hurry up and have babies already.
Venting occasionally is good. Whatever works for you. In the end, isn’t it all about just attempting not to damage our (in my case, future) children as much as our parents damaged us?
I don’t know if other people are having the same issue as me, but I can’t view your post entirely, just part of the left side. The center of the page is all blank……I’m on a pc
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I have the same issue that you have. I have made up excuses for people who have let me down and not allowed myself to upset about it or even to call them on it. I have been in therapy for over a year now and still, this problem keeps arising in my relationships. But I am slowly learning to be more assertive, letting people know when they have done something inappropriate towards me and allowing myself to feel what is justifiable correct; anger or sadness or whatever.
It takes time to get to a “healthy” place for dealing with feelings, but I’m sure we will both get there!
We will certainly both get there. I’ve given up making excuses for people, which was a crutch I used for a long time, and I call that progress. I wish you the best of luck.
Feelings, man. Who knew they’d be so tricky.
Love the new look!
Why is it so hard for us to feel badly for ourselves when we want to? Because sometimes, we deserve it.
Now that is progress!
I’m with you in the whole denial thing. Well, kind of. I tend to make way big deals out of things that don’t deserve acknowledgment. And life altering traumatizing situations (ie. mom’s canceling christams), I make jokes about and deny, deny , DENY.
I love the new site. Everything looks perfect from my view.
OH! And I would always continue to subscribe and read you blog. Even if you spoke about sappy feelings every day.
I love the new layout. It’s much easier for us old farts to read. Totally relate to your take on feelings. I do my best to avoid any situation that will actually make me feel something. I never cry unless one of my animals has died and I hate to see others cry. I’ve always wanted to be Spock from Star Trek. To be just pure intellect would rock. I would like to hang on to my bitterness though. It fuels my writing so at least it produces something productive. Good luck with that feeling thing. I, personally, think they’re way overrated.
I can only see 1/4 of the webpage. I’m on Windows. Weird.
I love this post. Yup, you may not have legs, but having a Mom cancel Christmas is just as debilitating.
After just coming through hell myself, I get it.
Feel the feelings. Surrender, or be effing dragged.
Hang in there.
Feeling the feelings? SUCKS. Who KNEW? Seriously, who knew?
*trundles off to check your blog*
OH! And the issues, I have The Daver looking into them. It’s something with IE.
I like the new layout, dear, but it is 100% effed up on my Internet Explorer / PC combo at work. The entire blog is in the left hand column where the “about” stuff is.
I think my theme hates me. I need to change it, but because I suck at computers, I have to wait for Dave to do it. *sighs*
I likey the new look and I lovey your blog – feelings and all!
Why thank you. I hope that I can manage to figure out what’s wrong with IE. *shakes fist at code*
Dude, sometimes I just want to hug you. Not in a creepy, groping way — unless, of course, you’re into that — but just because you’re so freakin’ eloquent and honest.
Tell you what: If I ever meet yo momma, I’mma kick her ass.
I’d hug you back. But not in a creepy way. Because I’m actually not creepy. Tacky, yes. Not creepy though.
I’ve always said that someone else’s cancer will not cure my broken leg. So- there you go.
And as for feelings- I think that’s the one thing your blog has always been missing. You will write about your vagina, but now how you feel about things. For instance- how do you feel about your vagina?
Haha.
No, seriously, Becky, the world won’t turn its back on your if you express your emotions now and then. I promise.
And one more thing- my family denies that things happened too, which means that either (a) I’m fucking nuts, or (b) they’re fucking nuts, or (c) I have made these things up in my mind and believe them (oh wait, would that be back to (a)?) and believe me- my imagination is NOT THAT GOOD!
Like you, my imagination sucks and I don’t relish playing the victim. I don’t want pity or attention for what’s happened to me, so why would I lie about something like that (this is what I ask my family, not you)?
*sighs*
Progress, not perfection.
Your blog is broken here…I can’t read it. Back to the reader…
Using Internet Explorer…
*cries* HALP ME!
Hey, Aunt Becky, not to be a pain or anything…but for some reason, your new layout does not love the Kyddryn. Your main post is wedged all the way to the left of the page and I can’t seem to make it expand…so I’m missing half of what you say!! Whimper.
The center column of the page is blank for me – I’ve tried reloading, signing completely off the Internet and logging back on, and even rebooting Bob the Wonder Computer, to no avail. Sigh. Halp!
Shade and Sweetwater,
K (who will spare you what she went through to post this comment…yeesh!!)
It is not you. It is my theme. Who hates me. And IE. HALP ME! SOS.
Love the new look!
I think perspective of other’s problems can be useful if you are whinging on about a bad hair cut for days on end or using a sprained wrist to avoid any sort of work for a week because poor poor suffering you can’t even use your other hand, but I don’t get why some people need to thrust it at you immediately when you mention that life is not so good right now. We have money issues. “Well at least your husband has a JOB!” someone shouts. Yes, and that helps me with my money issues how? I think people should be allowed and allow themselves some time for worrying, self pity & absorption with their own feeling & problems. I don’t understand the problem comparers. I always shrug and say “yep, you win. You have the worst problem. But I still have to cope with mine.”
And that’s where I always spin, too. It helps to hear it from other people, so thank you.
Hey, I managed to read your post by cutting and pasting it somewhere else…no now I can actually comment on it!
Humming “Feelings….whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, oh, feelings…”
Your mother canceled Christmas? And you actually agonized over Mother’s Day? Umm…here’s a bat. There’s her head. Pretend the bat is a clue hammer aaannnnnd…go!!
Oh, wait, too violent? Yeah…I get aggressive towards piss-poor parents. I was raised by a woman who is evil on two legs (not my mother) and it sucked and still does.
Of course there are people worse off than we are…and there are people better off. There can be only one person at the pinnacle and one person at the bottom – the rest of us are in the middle somewhere, struggling to keep or improve our position in life rather than become the schmuck down below. Why should someone having it worse stop you from experiencing your bad day? Or bad year? Someone having it worse invalidates my experience? I think not. Sometimes I am happy, and even the crap is no big deal, and sometimes the days are one big Hoover and I feel lucky to have made it through another one. No one else gets to take those very real feelings and experiences away from me. They’re part of my soul’s journey, so there. Dittoes for you. So there, again.
M’kay, I’ll shut up now.
Oh, and I’m using a PC with Windows somethingorother and AOL (and I live in a cave and hunt mammoth, too), if that helps with figuring out why Aunt Becky’s in the corner of my page.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
I can’t believe your mom cancelled Christmas. That sucks.
I’m not good with the feelings either – I can feel them just fine, but I don’t want to talk about them.
Also, I’m using a PC with my IE (see earlier comment).
Aunt Becky I have been lurking since before Amelia was born and will continue to read especially when you ‘out’ your feelings! And…..Google Chrome on a PC has your new header perfectly aligned and easy to read.
Thank you so much for de-lurking. It’s nice to meet you and know that I have people rooting for me in the shadows.
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You look FAB-U-Lous on my Mac (using Firefox).
I’m just speechless about the cancelled Christmas. Yeah, wow.
And I get the other people without feet.
Glad to seeing you getting your feet wet. You have had one hell of a year.
You’re also one hell of a woman. (I’d say “lady,” but, well, you know)
I always joke that the Tom Jones song, “She’s A Lady” is about me. But sarcastically. And thank you.
I can’t believe your mom canceled Christmas. What a bitch. bitch. bitch. bitchy thing to do to a kid. And the fact that it wouldn’t stick out to her as a notable item is somehow even worse. That’s the part that gets me more.
And I wonder – has your mom ever said she was sorry?
For anything?
Ever?
Okay I am done being extremely pissed off for you. I am happy that you are learning better coping skills and I applaud you in your ability to admit when something sucks. Because, no matter what, you always have to deal with it. Or take drugs. Or explode. Or in the case of Meth heads, sometimes you do both.
Don’t be a meth head.
I have never gotten an apology or a hint that she may have made any mistakes. I’ve wanted one, but I have a feeling that if I held my breathe, I’d be waiting for a long damn time. Likely dead of asphyxiation.
But for a long time, I wanted one. I just don’t expect it anymore.
See, what you need to do is (first: holy crap, INCREASE THE FONT SIZE IN THE COMMENT BOX! I CAN’T READ MY PITHY REMARKS!) have some kind of woodchipper accident so that you have no legs, THEN you’ll be queen of the “no legs syndrome”.
Of course, SOMEONE will come along and say that you’re trying to hurt yourself so you need more counseling…
HALP ME SCI-FI. HALP ME.
Just for the record, I never got an email with this reply.
or you’d meet someone with no arms AND no legs in your physiotherapy and/or occupational therapy classes and then you’d still feel bad. and then you’d have to have *another* woodchipper accident, then people would talk. there would be more support groups with people more and more worse off. we could keep going down this road, but eventually you would be a brain in a jar filled up with liquid and screwed onto a robot body. or, a hologram. depending on how far in the future you are.
Sometimes feelings are way overrated. Like a sucker punch to the gut. I think letting it out does help, so pour it out on us, Aunt Becky, we all love you!
Feelings are TOTALLY overrated.
My Mac and Safari love your new page, I do to.
Denial is not a bad thing, sometimes it is denial or beating people to death with an umbrella. Um, no haven’t actually done that.
Have done the counseling, it was necessary to get over the huge mess that was childhood. Have since learned to do the Feelings thing only when really safe.
It is funny to get together with my siblings, we all remember completely different things and think the others are making stuff up . . .
My motto is Living Well is the Best Revenge. That and chocolate and when all else fails, compulsively read books. Or naps. yeah, I like me some naps.
I think this is the first time I have posted a comment. So hugs to you Aunt Becky, not creepy hugs, just nice to meet you at your blog hugs.
It’s funny, I didn’t start feeling weird about putting this post up until about 20 minutes ago and now I’m all “oh NOES! The Internet is going to know I have feelings.”
So yeah, the safety thing, totally get that. And blog hugs back to you. Nice to have met you as well.
I can’t read it. At least not at work. Which might be a sign?
It’s a sign that IE hates me for sure. And that I probably need a better (free) template.
Dude, your blog is messed up. Looks pretty, except the big, blank page in the middle. I can see half of the left side. I can’t be the only one with this problem, but I’m not wasting my time reading half comments.
As for your feelings, just say whatever the hell you want to say. I’ll be your shrink. We’ll work something out in lieu of payment 😉
Try it now. I switched templates again. Stupid ass template designers.
Ok, I have to say, Aunt Becks, do you actually “like” this theme? ‘Cause it’s kinda hideous in like an old crazy cat lady kinda way. Just sayin’. (My problem is I’m too honest, can ya tell?)
But the real point I guess is that most of us readers (as far as I can tell, there are a whole lot of posters, most of whom are regulars even) totally love your blog, and thereby you – and not in that icky creepy way. We all think you’re kick ass cool and wish you lived nearby so we could swig back some coffees or somethin and hang out. We, and I’m sure my fellow posters don’t mind if I include them here, feel awful that you’ve had such a nasty spell this year, especially considering you haven’t really had it easy from the get go. We don’t mind if you spill your guts here occasionally, or all the freakin time for that matter. It’s YOUR blog, and we are here because you let us stalk you, erm, follow. Did I mention that we think you’re kick-ass cool? So, Aunt Becks, please feel free to unload whenever you get the urge. It probably won’t kill ya. We won’t tell you to shut up because there are people without feet. Anyone who did would probably get slammed by the rest of us.
So anyhoo… I didn’t post the other day due to lack of free time, but I wanted to just say that Mimi is freakin adorable. You’re obviously doing good stuff over there. Keep it up. 🙂
I’m sort of waffling on the theme, too, truthfully. But SHIT, is it hard to find decent free themes out there. I mean, shouldn’t people design COOL STUFF FOR FREE.
Oh. Wait. Yeah. This is why people pay gagillions of dollars. My bad.
Love the new layout. Love you. Feelings wouldn’t be so bad if we didn’t have to feel them……….True. Everything you said in this post.
Hello Tatie Becky!
The new style is more girly. I like both.
Don’t you have anxiety? It seems like I had the same type of upbringing as you and I was crippled with it for a long time.
I love your blog, almost done reading it all. English is not my first language and thanks to you it’s getting more fucking colorful 🙂
I am now as happy as I’ve been in weeks. If I can help expand your English, well, my work on this planet is done!
I do the same thing (Well, not that you’d believe it reading my blog). I never knew that it had a name. I always called it the “You Could Be Dead Syndrome.” The idea being that no matter how bad I had it, I could always be dead and that would be worse. So, why should I complain? Other people *died* from their problems and here I am living away. Anyhow, I still have this particular affliction, but I’m working on it with some CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to break the thinking patterns (mostly because I can do some simple CBT on my own. “Insurance it ain’t cheap.”). I’ll stop my rambling now. Just wanted you to know that you’re not alone.
OOOH! Could Be Dead Syndrome! I like that one too! It also works wonders at guilting you away from feeling anything resembling feelings. Why do we do this to ourselves?
If you, for example, my friend, were to have a bad day, I WOULD feel sorry for you. Wouldn’t matter why, I would though. I wouldn’t mock you. But if I had a bad day? I wouldn’t allow myself the same luxury.
People are such strange creatures.
I love the new blog look! Apparently the person above me absolutely does not. But I do.
Also, The Other People Have No Legs Syndrome REALLY pisses me off. I guess I have the opposite problem as you. If I’m upset, I wanna be upset. And while I know some people don’t have food to eat, and some people have cancer, I am also pretty good at crying for my own sake AND realizing it could be worse. But the fact that it could be worse doesn’t take away from your own tragedy or grief or simply bad day. The end.
The new layout looks awesome 🙂 It also loads MUCH MUCH faster than the old one!
Oh and feelings are over rated;)
The new layout looks good. I like the old one more, though. And, isn’t crazy how they can just forget things like that? My mom swears the bra incident never happened. Really, Mom?! ‘Cuz, my best friend remembers it 18 years after! Oh, right, this is about your feelings. Nevermind.
It’s funny how they choose not to remember. I debated taking the Christmas thing out over and over because I still feel weird admitting it, years later. I don’t know what that says about me.
I left a link before, but it didn’t show up.
http://bourbonmama.wordpress.com/2008/12/10/way-back-wednesday/
“…I discount the things that I’m going through.”
I do it, too. Better yet, I come with long lists of reasons why I’m not entitled to feel (anything) about what I’m going through. Or, I’ll come up with reasons why it’s okay that Fred was an asshole to me — I bloody well excuse people for treating me poorly: it’s NEVER Fred’s fault.
Yeah. I don’t know if there’s enough money in the world to pay for the therapy to unravel THAT one.
Oh yes. I’m never entitled to my feelings either, in my own mind. It’s BS, and I know it, but I can’t seem to stop myself.
I just wanted to let you know that I’m using Microsoft Internet Explorer (first mistake) and I can only see three inches of your awesome blog. I can, however, read it with no problems using Firefox. I just thought I’d let you know, in case you know how to fix it (unlike me, other than the obvious-use Firefox).
In other news, I hear ya on the feelings-freaking complicated. I never quite know what to do with them. Oddly enough, I can name them, why I feel the way I do, but I’m completely at a loss with the follow through. What the hell do you do with them other than uh squelch them? (or as you have tried deny them) I just don’t know.
I can only read about the first four or five words on each line. I hope I’m not the only one (therby indicating that I am, indeed, a true techno idiot).
No, it’s not just you, it’s everyone who was using Internet Explorer. Try it now. I changed templates again, so this should work better. Let me know.
I’m having no problems now. yea!
I was watching Russell Peters yesterday and laughing my ass off to his jokes about Indian parents who beat up their kids and white kids who call 911! Uh oh! I may have just declared myself as one of your legless armless tormentors!! Anyway, what I really wanted to say is..you should watch this guy (Youtube) when you get a chance….he’s sure to be better than any shrink in elevating your mood!!
Your new layout looks nice but I liked the other one better. (I only said that coz I know you’re gonna change it anyway!)
You are TOTALLY not my legless tormentors. Trust me. I’ll check the guy out.
im having an issue (who doesnt these days 😉 ), i can only see half your blog (the left half, if you must know). the other half is covered with a big white stripe 🙁
is it just me? i cant live a day without your blog!!!!! thank god youre not on blogspot or i wouldnt have been able to read it while i was in china!!!!
hope you can help me :)……………………….( have to put dots in, so i can reach the submit button……sorry 🙁
No, this is totally not just you. It’s the wonky template. Try my blog now. I changed templates again to something I used before, and I think this one should work. Let me know if it doesn’t.
Your new theme is great – my Firefox (PC) is fine with it too.
I, for one, will be interested to watch for any new revelations. While my parents didn’t cancel Christmas for me (that is SO WRONG!), they did pull the plug at the last minute and cancel a national band competition I was was playing A PICCOLO SOLO in. One that I had worked my ASS OFF to earn.
Same old story, though – I’d been too bad and they “didn’t trust me.”
At least you had alcoholics – I had all the fun of growing up with drunks, without a drop of booze in the house.
I can only hope that we never repeat the mistakes of our parents. That is my goal in life.
I still apologize for crying about my son’s death…
Love the new layout btw… and your new “tagline” whatever the hell that thingy below your name is called… furry and ruthless… heehee…
Oh… and I tagged you…. bwahahahahahah….
I apologize for feeling sad about Mimi’s encephalocele. You and I are more alike than I’d thought.
Whoa! And now for something completely different! But very soothing, the colors and images… not sure if soothing was what your were going for but… aaaahhhhhh.
If you’re helping you, you’re helping all of us… doesn’t something work like that? You’d have to get awfully squishy to run your readers off, you know.
Do you see that, Becky? Do you? No, of course you don’t, but there are tears, TEARS, in my eyes because this format? *This* is Mommy Wants Vodka! It’s back! Not that I didn’t love your others, but this one is home. I’m a sick one, eh?
You wanna make out now that you got that off your chest? Becky, my mom was a single mom when I grew up and no matter what a butt I could be she would never be that cruel. Your aloud a shitty day, your blog makes me laugh when I have a shitty day.
Had problems earlier(getting on here) but I’m on now. miss the rabbit and of course the booze bottle
I kind of DO want to make out, now that you mention it!
Okay, now you’re just fucking with me…lolol…I liked the old theme! In case you care about my opinion…at all….lol. J/K….I’m gonna be doing the same thing…how you manage to do all the design stuff AND the blogging is nothing short of amazing. Kudos…
Oh, the design? TOTALLY not mine. I don’t do the design work, but I appreciate that you think I could have the brain power enough to manage.
Aunt Becky, I love you. To bits. Forever.
And your layout is great.
Why THANK you.
THANK GAWD!!! You just don’t know how my whole day has turned to shit because I couldn’t read your post this morning!!
Now that that’s out of the way…I think I’m the polar opposite of you. I have a zillion different emotions and I want to express them (mainly to my husband) at every second of the day. I know, I don’t know how he puts up with me either.
I don’t think you should beat yourself up over this. While I don’t quite understand the entire situation, I like that you put a funny spin on hard times and don’t complain mercilessly. I have really tried to work on doing that because I know your life is wayyy harder than mine, so I try to suck it up.
You were really brave to divulge this. It can feel like you’re posting naked pics of yourself exposing your feelings on your blog. Thanks for sharing.
I still feel pretty naked having this up on my blog. Truthfully, I’m pretty excited to have this get pushed down to NOT the top of my blog.
Having feelings is a good thing. It proves that you’re human.
Unlike a person with a great big ball of who gives a shit inside. Seriously – I think the feelings left with the hormones.
Today, I have hormones to share. I’ll ship you some.
I knew you had feelings all along.
But I too am a stuffer-of-pain, a bottle-it-upper, a legless-people-have-it-worser…so I know exactly how you feel (or is it don’t feel?).
I also think I have an ulcer. So dumping some emo now and again on the old blog probably ain’t all that bad a thing, Becks.
Finally, let me just say that your mother cancelling Christmas “just for you” is one of the most heartbreaking fucking things I’ve ever heard. I know in my heart you and I will meet in person someday soon, and please don’t introduce me to your mother or I will be forced to punch her in the face.
Just, uh, don’t TELL anyone I have feelings, okay? I have a reputation to uphold, you know.
My silence is easily bought with chocolate.
you know, i think we have that in common: minimalizing feelings. i also tell myself i need to ‘get over myself’ (do you do that?). i think a) others in the world really do have it worse, and b) people will feel sorry for me. i cannot handle that. it makes me extremely uncomfortable, because i don’t know how to accept emotional support from other people.
(wow look at me being all honest and talking about feelings. go me)
so, i hope you do write more about your generally shitty days and feelings, because it would be nice to know that even though a person is funny and intelligent (did you catch that? it was a compliment. i bet you don’t take those well, either, do you?), life can still suck ass and be hard to manage some days.
like the new digs, btw. black text on white background is easier to read. just sayin’. 🙂
Like you, I don’t want pity or sympathy or attention for my feelings or the bullshit I’ve been through. It makes me generally uncomfortable because I feel like I’m supposed to act a certain way and really, I DON’T know how to act.
And your compliment was not unnoticed. Just imagine me smacking your ass in return. Because you know that I love you, baby.
You are allowed to have a Pity Party For One whenever you want. Just feed us cup cakes when you are done 🙂
I *always* share my cupcakes. Especially Pity Party ones. They’re especially tasty.
Instead of baldness, can you cure chin hair on women? I’d totally appreciate that.
I’m also planning to cure uni-brows.
Ah, I can relate to this… my husband loves to pull out the “it could be worse” line. OF COURSE it could be worse, and it has been many a time in my life. That does not mean that I shouldn’t have feelings about what is happening now. I hate that phrase, mostly because it marginalizes how I feel, as though I am not entitled to feel that way. That is not to say that if I wallow too long, I give myself a big ol’ dose of “get over yourself and move on”.
Anyway, love you and your blog.
The Daver is the MASTER of The Devil’s Advocate (no, not the movie) and it comes across the same way that your husband’s “it could be worse” line does. Eventually, I just stop trying to explain it, because OBVIOUSLY, it could be worse.
It could be BETTER too. Like I could have a pool boy massaging my feet RIGHT NOW.
Love it love it love it!!! You’re so awesome
Hmmmm. Um, check out these free blog designs… It’s where I found mine. Don’t know if it’ll help at all, but just wanted to try. http://www.thecutestblogontheblock.com/
I’m all over it. Thank you for the site!
Your new look is fabulous! Quite a different feel from the last style. A softer side of Aunt Becky. 🙂
That is really horrible that your Mom canceled Christmas. It always amazes me (in a good way) when kids grow up to treat their own children much better than they were treated. My Mom and friend are two examples. And you, Aunt Becky. Well done.
The other day I was talking with a friend about how much my husband has been traveling lately. It’s really hard being pregnant with twins, caring for our toddler all by myself, and not have any family within 2200 miles to lend a hand. She said, “I don’t know how you do it.” And I said, “Well, I just think of moms whose husbands are in the military stationed abroad for a year. It could be a lot worse.” And she said, “Yeah, you could be a in a concentration camp, too. But that doesn’t make what you are going through any easier.”
Thank goodness for friends like that.
It’s people like your wonderful friend that make my day better. I’ll remember that line. Thank you. And thank your friend for me, okay?
“They’re still boring and trite and don’t make a whole lot of sense”
They are not any of those things. That’s the wonderful thing about feelings. You’re ALLOWED to have them. No matter who gets uncomfortable.
Feelings are hard. Joking is much, much easier. My husband is constantly on me to open up, let him in, blah, blah, blah. But in my family, that just. wasn’t. done.
I applaud you for trying to re-learn the whole feeling thing. Good luck…
And I like the design. It’s way different, but nice!
If theres one thing I hate it’s getting to an Aunt Becky post late in the game.
To me, your blog just looks like the Twitter thing w/ the birdie. I’ll look again at home and see if it’s working.
Anyways – I congratulate on you dipping your toe in. It’s a big step to realize it’s ok to have a pity party sometimes. Do you know what, though? I actually feel guilty for NOT having these issues. Like I should feel guilty for not feeling guilty about thinking it’s ok to feel sorry for myself. I feel guilty that I’m NOT a people pleaser and that I have no problem standing up for myself or saying No, or turning my back on healthy relationships.
I’ve got my issues, for sure, but I think this just attests to the fact that it’s ALWAYS something.
*sighs* It IS always something, isn’t it?
This is my old blog layout, which is why it has no issues. It’s pretty boring, I know, but it works unlike the other broken layout.
Hang in there. Both of us.
Yay! I can finally see you, though.. I don’t think this layout is as kick ass as the coffee one. Maybe The Daver can still work that one out?
Your blog has seemed all about feelings to me. Your posts certainly evoke them in me.
I just realized my email said “.COM” instead of “.NET”. I hope you haven’t been trying to write me! If so, I haven’t been ignoring you…they just never arrived. Thanks for the heads-up
My emails to you have always bounced back. Now I can reach you!
*rubs hands together maniacally*
Great! You came through loud and clear!
I’m so bummed at what I’ve missed.
LOL! Legless people! I SO RELATE to this.
I’ve coped all of my adult life by being like “oh, so I have a SECOND incurable disease? Well aren’t I lucky that I’m not some poor African living in a township with no running water and no access to decent medical care who probably would never know anything was wrong and would die young because of it. I’m so lucky. Yay me!”
The thing is I’m totally compassionate with OTHER people.
So yeah, I get it.
I’m completely compassionate with other people too! It’s insane! You could have a splinter and I’d be all, “No, it’s okay, you SHOULD cry about it.”
wow- looks great.
very easy to read.
x
My former friend was a Pain Olympics type person. If I had a bad day, her day was worse. If I got in a fight with my parents, she did too and it was worse. If I got a C on a test, she’d get an F and complain and wouldn’t let me suffer through my C. And no, it never made me feel better about my situations. It drove me nuts, (thus the “former” in front of the friend). I, on the other hand, am like you. The opposite. The “but there are people out there with no legs/arms/ears/pizza/etc.”. Crazy.
My former friend was a Pain Olympics type person. If I had a bad day, her day was worse. If I got in a fight with my parents, she did too and it was worse. If I got a C on a test, she’d get an F and complain and wouldn’t let me suffer through my C. And no, it never made me feel better about my situations. It drove me nuts, (thus the “former” in front of the friend). I, on the other hand, am like you. The opposite. The “but there are people out there with no legs/arms/ears/pizza/etc.”. Crazy.
And I can’t believe she canceled Christmas! Lame.
And I’m digging the new layout. *thumbs up*
You = Rockin’.
Congrats on the former part of that friend. Wise choice, you.
PC/Firefox, looks great!
I do the same thing- in my mind, it could always be worse. Shortly after my ex went nuts and tried to kill me and I didn’t have money and blah blah blah I realized that I was other people’s worst case scenario.
Go ahead and feel sorry for yourself. The people without legs will understand. After all, there are people WITHOUT HEADS!
I would love to be a Vulcan for negative feelings and a human for positive feelings.
I guess this is just kind of a long way of saying that I agree with you, and I’ll be out here reading no matter what.
Well, unless you start talking about Xenu and brain auditing.
I think I’d pull up a chair and pop some popcorn if I started talking about brain auditing. Because that REEKS of awesome.
I concur. Feelings suck big fat hairy monkey butt.
Glad to see I’m not the only one whose family has selective memory loss.
You are a far braver soul than I, Aunt Becky.
My nerve is dwindling and my palms are clammy. I’m looking forward to having this post move it’s way on down the line. I feel kind of naked here.
If it will make you feel less naked, I will “woman up” and have the ovarian fortitude to discuss my feelings on my blog as well.
Y’know. Because you are so awesome and inspiring that I JUST CANNOT HELP MYSELF.
Or something.
You’d BETTER be adding some feelings to your blog. I want to feel like less of a pussbag.
Feelings? Make me cringe. I just do not know how to handle them. I internalize everything. I don’t cry in front of anyone. When someone cries in front of me I feel so uncomfortable I don’t know what to do with myself.
I feel for ya, sister. I really do.
My instant reaction to emotion is to make people laugh. In nursing school, the first thing, THE VERY FIRST THING they taught us to do was to shut our mouths and listen to people.
I’m a veteran of good therapy that probably saved my life, but it’s certainly safer to keep all that crap compartmentalized isn’t it? I’ve learned to pay the piper and work to own my feelings even the ugly ones (with varying success of course.) I think Everyone is entitled to a bad day and if the fingerless, armless, and legless can’t respect that, then they are brainless and spineless too.
Your eloquent post reminds me of a dear, now deceased long term homecare pt I took care of with ALS. No matter how frail or weak she felt, she always asked me about my day and my family. Truly a kind spirit and one I hope to emulate, well, maybe not the ALS part, but you know what I am saying.
Here, please let me pour you a stiff drink of the good stuff cause that’s all I touch now and give you a (Hug) and share a laugh and our battle scars, ok? Thanks.
I think compartmentalization is the only way that any one of us is able to get through the day, let alone turn on the news or listen to NPR. Because, seriously.
Hey Aunt Becky,
I’ve been loitering around your blog for a couple of months now and haven’t said hi yet – mostly because I reckon I’m pretty boring and your regulars post much more amusing comments than I could come up with. As a new’ish mum (he’s nearly 2) and someone with a slightly fu**ed up childhood too, a few of your recent posts have struck a chord with me – but especially this one. I too have problems with ‘feelings’ – but not as much as I used to. I can actually talk about them now sometimes! Took me until nearly 30 years old to finally feel like I’d broken free of the bad aspects of my childhood – in no small part to a wonderful ex-partner and a few good friends, and time and distance. Everyone has it better than some people and worse than others, but that doesn’t mean your shit isn’t worthy. But like you, Aunt Becky, I now WIN at LIFE! My small recommendation – pick a moment every now and then to wallow in the bad stuff – really think about it, let it wash over you and have a damn good scream and cry. I find a good cry very liberating. Though not sure if it beats dark chocolate and a glass of port….
Dude. We BOTH win at life. WIN at LIFE.
When something you have written resonates so deeply with so many people, you don’t get to make cracks about being a narcissist, Kid. You have to suck it up (the love, that is) and realize that just telling your story your own way has helped a lot of people. Hell, you may just owe it to us!
But don’t let the shrinks muscle you into the feelies. If you ever venture back, check out someone who does solution-focussed therapy. Very feeling-light, action oriented. Perfect for the over-achiever with… er… a slightly more masculine energy in these matters.
Oh Jesus, you’re a one upper.
Oh yeah? Well I was impaled by a tree trunk.
Me? I’m a one-upper?
Cancelled Christmas? Even the Grinch couldn’t do that!! I know it’s sometimes easier to be sarcastic that to deal with the feelings. I used to think I was weak if I had these kinds of feelings, but I wasn’t. It took more strength to deal than to not.
I think blogging about this kind of stuff would be helpful. I know I would not unsubscribe you!!
You can do this. As the Hairy Monster Band sings, “Pracitce makes progress. It will help you be your best!” (Who knew there would be such deep wisdom found on the 5 minute break in between shows on the Disney Channel)?
Sometimes, the greatest wisdom can be found in kids songs. Seriously.
I can totally say I know the person who cured baldness. Score!!
@TSM_Oregon It’s almost like knowing a super hero, isn’t it? Baldness Curer.
You know that if someone manages that, they’ll get a day named after them, right? We should SO get in on that STAT.
You know, my very favorite comments from readers go something like “I could have written this….”. I love those because a)it lets me know I’m not crazy or alone or the only one in the world with unhealed hurts and b) it makes me feel like that I’ve done something good by allowing my reader to also know they are not alone or crazy. You did this for me today. Thank you. I totally could have written this – my childhood sucked too – but here I am busily checking off things from my “I won’t do THIS to MY kids list” and I’m doing it with the awesomeness that is Becky.
Love,
K
@Kristi You’re spot on. Any time anyone tells me that they know where I’m coming from I know that I’ve done my job. I could shut my blog down tomorrow (don’t worry, I’m FAR too vain to do that) and know that somewhere, I helped someone in some small way feel less alone.
The gushy shit like this is the crap that no one ever talks about. Yet another reason I’m glad to know you. We just get it.
All we can do is pick our selves up off the floor and put one foot in front of the other. It’s that one step that makes us who we are today. It takes courage to accept the women that we are…even if we can’t say that in words. <3
Love the new layout…wanna do me;)
@Meg Of COURSE I wanna do you. Come on OVER baby!
When I finally get up the courage to bring up issues with my mother that I feel really affected me, she acts like I completely made it all up and am totally crazy!! I just don’t bother anymore.
I guess she did teach me what not to do. I know I will NEVER cancel christmas. And I will acknowlege my children’s feelings even if I don’t think I was in the wrong.
Loved your old design, took a few seconds to load but I never had any other issues. Viewing this one in Firefox on a PC running vista.
@Clair I’m pretty sure that no one in my family would remember this if I brought it up and that would kill me more than anything. Because I am a lot of things, but I am NOT a liar. Besides, if I were to lie, it wouldn’t be about THAT. It would be something like “remember when I was the Princess of Monaco?”
Shit, who wants to admit that their parent canceled a holiday? I cannot believe that I did.
Aunt Becky,
I’ve been reading your musings for a while now, and not only do you make me laugh, I also appreciate your ability to be so honest about things.
Sometimes if we allowed ourselves to really think and feel all the emotions and worry, like about whether or not our child will grow up with a disability, or whether or not we will be able to function with a chronic illness, or how we will survive as single parents, etc., we would be so incapacitated we wouldn’t be able to function….
However, not going through the process of those feelings is as bad as spending too much time dwelling on them (does that make sense).
And, by not wanting to be “one of those” types, we just say nothing, and allow ourselves nothing. We don’t want to be “poor me” type.
I can remember staying in the hospital with my son for a month while he was rehabilitating after surgery for his cerebral palsy. There was a boy recovering from a brain tumor and had lost most of his function; he wasn’t expected to live very long. I thought to myself…”I will NEVER feel bad that my son has a disability-at least I have him, at least he is alive.” Well, that is a good attitude and a bad attitude to have. Good because it focuses on the positive, but bad because when my younger son was born and I watched him develop normally, I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness for all that my older son never experienced; all the milestones we missed with him, etc.
You have to allow yourself a little bit of the luxury to feel whatever it is you’re going to feel without comparing your problems to someone else’s, because you simply can’t compare–no matter what/who you are comparing, you never know the full story and the comparison is never valid. Apples to oranges. At the same time, I’m always afraid of becoming fixated on myself too much.
I work in healthcare. I go to work and find myself knee-deep in other people’s pain and it never ceases to amaze me how some people are so overcome by what seem to be the smallest things, but other people survive torture, rape, imprisonment, etc., and just keep on going without a word. Neither way is healthy–you have to find a happy medium.
You are amazing–I find all that you have accomplished, your family, your attitude, your ability to laugh at the world and at yourself so refreshing and so inspiring. Thank you for being you! Know that no matter what, many of us support you 100% along the way!!
It’s okay to have a bad day. It’s okay to admit that it sucks to have a part-time husband. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed with your kids. That just means that you are almost down to the level of the rest of us. Almost…
It will get better…
Just knowing that someone else feels that way makes it easier for so many of us. Thank you!!
@been there I was talking to another one of my nurse friends and she and I were commiserating about how a lot of people in the health care industry probably suffer from this syndrome. And if you add in a sick kid? Sheesh, it’s a wonder you or I EVER can allow ourselves to grieve properly.
Because AT LEAST WE HAVEN’T SNEEZED OUT OUR UTERUS’S TODAY!
And knowing that you are here helps me. Thank you for coming out from the shadows and into the light. Thank you.
I don’t think that most adults “deal with” their feelings. We’re all avoiding something. What is the definition of dealing with our feelings anyway? Sadly, there’s no handbook for this stuff. If writing about it makes you feel better than keep typing.
Well when I first viewed your blog at work there was a big white box going down the middle and I couldn’t read it, I finally was able to sit down at home and read and wow! What a beautiful meaningful blog. You’ve really put yourself out there and I’m happy for you. I haven’t read any other comments yet but I’m sure that just getting off your chest that your mom canceled Christmas etc. that you have got to be feeling better.
I think talking it out on your blog is going to help. Let it all out. We are all here for you, if we weren’t well we wouldn’t follow you. 🙂
@Tara I’m feeling kind of naked here and am sort of ready for this post to be moved down to the bottom. This was a bit more…open than I’m used to. Ack!
First of all – the blog looks fine on my end (on my crackberry).
I am shocked that you had a christmas cancelled as a child. That is crazy! Although, I’m wondering if you are related to my f’d up in-law’s, who have actually cancelled holiday’s in my husband (and his brothers) adult lives – including the grandkids…freaking strange.
And your not alone. I play a silly game where I force myself to think of five positive things for every negative thought.
Keep writing. Love ur blog.
@Mel So glad that the blog is showing up properly. I changed the layout AGAIN, so this one should be less wonky than the first change.
I think I’m going to adopt that game: 5 positives for each negative thought. That’s a good one. Thank you.
And your husband? Wow. Sounds familiar. Poor guy. He and I should grab a virtual beer and commiserate. Pat him on the back for me, okay?
I totally understand what you are saying…my husband is the same way.
Dipping just a toe huh? I think you should jump in cannonball style–buck nekked! That’ll make you feel better 🙂 Don’t forget to tuck the boobies in though.
@Grace For some reason, I’ve got a delicious mental picture of me doing a cannonball and smacking myself in the face with my gigantic boob. It pretty much made my night. Awesome.
Well, you can’t get rid of me no matter what you change your blog too. I’m that pesky follower that will annoy you forever. Kind of like a leech. But you know, not slimy and gross. At least I don’t think I’m slimy and gross. I hope you don’t either, cause I’m not. Anyways the whole point of this is I will still be here. Although the new blog design did throw me for a minute. I thought I got lost (which actually isn’t hard for me)
You BEST not be going anywhere. And I know, I went to my site to get the link to tweet it and got confused. This is my old, OLD layout. It was like a timewarp.
First love the new look. Second have your heard Offsprings version of “Feelings”? Cuz it is awesome. I buried all of my feeling except anger and ummm also rage. But since having kids I have become a total pussy ass bitch. I have accidentally smiled at strangers. And some of them don’t even have legs.
One year, for Christmas, my mom paid for my kitten to be euthanized. Context made it not as bad as it sounds, but still a really weird true statement. Also, I have no limbs. So I type with my nipples. This doesn’t mean I’m bad at oral.
I relate to so much of this post. I make exactly the same kinds of jokes about horrible things I’ve experienced, and I do this at inappropriate times, and it’s kind of a constant disaster. But for me it’s more because I am so closed off and don’t want to ever actually TALK about these things. So I make jokes. And it irritates people. And also makes them uncomfortable. I’m sure.
Don’t you want to be my REAL LIFE FRIEND now?!
Heh.
If I could type with my nipples I would officially be the coolest person I know. I think that makes you the coolest person I know.
Oh my fucking God. I just wrote a blog post … and linked to you. Then I came back here to read THIS post. Fuck me!
You HAVE had a hard year. I can’t imagine what it would have been like for you. You’re still getting over it – fuck, me too! I feel like a broken record sometimes, but shit …. IT WAS CANCER.
I bet you crack jokes about your fucked up childhood. Me and my sisters do, takes the power away from it, a bit. The pain is always there, though.
Love you mate XOXOXOXOXOXOX
well I won’t embarrass you with more Aunt Becky love… you know it’s there. I’ll just tell you my one and only shrink story.
My mom sent me to a shrink once when I was about 20. I told her my cat died and the idiot asked me “and how does that make you FEEL?” I walked out. It was so trite and stereotypical I just couldn’t take her seriously.
On the other hand… I am VERY good at denial as a coping mechanism. As in “I am FINE… everything is good here, nothing to see; I have it ALL under control!” It’s only after everything goes sideways and I get out of the situation that I am able to accept that things were pretty F#*%ed up and I was not even close to having things under control.
@Melissa I just don’t think I would ever have been able to open up to the guy. He wasn’t corny like that, because I think if he’d said “let’s talk about your feelings” I’d have cried. From laughing. I just didn’t…feel comfortable.
Like new blog layout a lot.
I have been unpacking the sort of stuff you mention in this post since the beginning of this year (blogged about it from Feb/March to May/June, I think). I went on a course for survivors of childhood trauma, and learnt A LOT. (I will email you a powerpoint presentation on how trauma affects brain development, specifically feeling-related areas).
This came about because I read a book that rang alarm bells for me, and prompted me to go digging a bit deeper. It is called: “The boy who was raised by a dog” by Bruce D. Perry M.D. (and I encourage you to borrow this book from the library) Also check out his website:
http://www.childtrauma.org/aboutCTA/bio_bruce.asp
Then I did the co-dep 12 step program and learnt a LOT MORE.
Now I discover I have a thryroid issue (reverse T3 dominance) and discover it is originally triggered by stress, whereby your cortisol levels go through the roof and flick a switch and hey presto – too much RT3 in system, doing the job of Free T3, and, ta-da – all the symptoms of hypothyroidism. Now let me see, I wonder if these events are linked in any way????
A traumatic childhood can affect our body and mind in SO MANY WAYS, and we don’t realise we are not functioning optimally because we simply have never known anything different. We have been shaped so early, sometimes from birth, or even in utero (read The Female Brain by Louanne Brizendine http://www.louannbrizendine.com/).
It is great to realise that this was something that HAPPENED to us, and we aren’t just automatically crap and useless and undeserving, and we ARE ALLOWED TO BE KIND TO OURSELVES. Hoo boy. BIG lesson. The biggest.
Best of luck with your explorations. xx
I can’t say my childhood was f*cked up, but I was raised by older parents who were old enough to be my grandparents and who had lived through the Great Depression and WWII as adults. That whole generation had to learn to suck it up. Plus they were both raised in poverty by single parents, due to the early death of their other parent (Mom’s mom and Dad’s dad) so there was that.
I was raised not to cry NO MATTER WHAT. We had food on the table, clothes on our back and a roof over our heads and there were no bombs falling. WE HAD NOTHING TO CRY ABOUT. Thank god there was a lot of laughing, ’cause God knows we couldn’t vent our feelings by crying.
Completely suppressing crying worked until the hormones kicked in and the first time something made me cry, I thought I was losing my mind, so I suppressed it even further. If I started to cry, it was as if I had to justify why I was crying in my own mind and I never could. Even when my then 4-year old daughter was (mistakenly, thank God) diagnosed with cancer, I couldn’t really cry for more than about 30 seconds at a stetch. The training was just too ingrained. Even when my mother died, same deal. And I buried that grief deep and got on with raising my kids. Which is when I realized you can’t bury the bad feelings without the good ones going underground, too. Being married to the most unempathtic person on the planet did not help. At that point I realized I was depressed or as near as.
I managed to more or less drag myself out it, but still never cried.
Divorce finally pushed me over the edge. I found myself crying and unable to stop one day and the old broken record thoughts started running through my mind with the “What is WRONG with you? WHY are you crying?” and I thought, “I’m goddamned crying because I goddamned well need to cry! Shut UP!” and that seemed to silence those thoughts once and for all. More or less. Sort of.
I still don’t cry a whole lot, but if I need to, I do, although it still makes me intensely uncomfortable to cry in front of anyone except my children.
I can’t imagine pouring out my feelings to a shrink either. The one time I sought psychotherapy from a GP, I felt horribly exposed. She was lovely, but I just felt weird. I can talk dispassionately about the sad or dark bits of my life until the cows come home, but showing how I FEEL about it all, not so much.
Other People Have No Legs Syndrome is alive and well around here, I can tell you.
Love the new layout. Very clean. And love the blog, no matter what the layout.
Hi Aunt Becky,
I love the new look of your website. I like the blue and white + the tree + the bird motif. Thank you for showing my comments on your post/section called: Aunt Becky’s Electra Complex. I really like your post about the Electra subject.
I just wanted to send you my thank you(s) today, otherwise I probably would have forgotten it in a matter of months. Oh well.
Wow. Your Christmas was canceled when you were a kid. I’m really sorry to hear that. Wow. unbelievable.
I hope that I’m not repeating myself, but I really love your website + I like reading it.
Have a good day,
Rob
@Rob I am so glad that you liked that post. It’s been ages since I reread that one, but maybe I’ll revamp it for this weeks flashback post on Tuesday.
As a “shrink”, can I just say I’m sorry your experience sucked…some of us do, unfortunately. That said, some of us don’t! 🙂 & learning about yourself, growing, moving forward (whatever you want to call it) doesn’t – and dare I say shouldn’t – always and only revolve around “feelings”.
In my personal opinion, talking about feelings can sometimes even muddy the path forward. From reading your blog, I would suggest a more cognitive approach – something along the lines of “when XX happens, is said etc, I react by XX – why? is that appropriate? & do I need to do something to change the way i react to these situations (or perceive them)-ALWAYS remembering that doing nothing – is doing something 😀
It was a great post Aunt Bec – you have an awful lot to be proud of, your humour, your ability to reach others and, if I may say, a rather daring yet endearingly quirky take on life. I for one, will most certainly be coming back for more.
Thank you!
oh, & I love the new page too!! 😛
@Angie I think that you are absolutely spot on. I’d much prefer learning how to cope with situations. Feelings aren’t facts, after all. I think the shrink that I met wasn’t bad, he just wasn’t really someone that I ever would have trusted enough to open up to.
Funny, I’ll open up to The Internet, but not to someone I pay. Hm.
Denial got me through most of my childhood, and is getting me through most of my adult years too (except that I need to come up with like 600 bucks by next week or the are going to shut off my gas,and its getting cold, and the dang kids need to be warm for some freaking reason?).
Feelings? What the heck are those? Life is much easier if you don’t feel sometimes!
And this new comment thing through email. Does this mean we can’t read your comments on the readers comments anymore? I loved reading through them and reading your responses to them!!!! Don’t take them away, please!
Isn’t that the twitter bird logo in your header?
You always hinted about these “feelings” you claim to possess. Nice to see you acknowledging them a little.
Starting with even knowing that you have these feelings is a start.
Life is balance…it’s good and bad. Some days (weeks, months) you feel shitty and crappy and odd things happen to you. Other times it’s good. Knowing that we have feelings about both things…that’s a good step.
I was really struck by your Christmas story…
I am also using a Mac, and your site looks fine to me.
Have a great Thursday!
I Love You, Warts and all.
it’s a good thing that you can express some of the feelings here, *in my best spanish accent*
We don’t need no stinkin’ therapists.
Muah
Q: “When is the elephant heaviest?”
A: “When he’s standing on your foot.”
Knowing that, and acknowledging it is just as important as having perspective about Others Being Crushed by T-Rex, Who Is Not Only Standing On Their Foot But Also Chewing Their Arm Off.
I love feelings. Writing bad poetry is what I’m all about. Or at least what my teenage years were about. ‘Twas not always so. I am the woman who had to teach herself how to cry.
The reason why I think it’s important to explore things like sucky childhoods is not to blame the parents, but to highlight our own choices. When things feel like not like a choice, but like a compulsion or an absolute prohibition – then it’s worth looking at. Not necessarily because it needs to be altered – simply to raise consciousness about what is being chosen and why.
I plan to stick around whatever the scenery (also your blog works in my screen).
No shit you’ve had a tough year, I’d say you’ve have a tough two years back to back.
We had years where Christmas was cancelled or put off until Easter for financial reasons. That insecurity has probably made me the gov’t lawyer I am today. I will never get rich, but I’ll ALWAYS have a paycheck.
We need a summit. Starved Rock perhaps?
I feel like I’m coming into this a bit late, but I’ve got two things:
1) The new site layout is very clean and crisp. I dig it.
2) I’m here for you. Anytime, for always.
I love the (current) layout, first of all. Very beautiful and simple. Didn’t have any trouble loading it, myself.
Somewhere along the way, I became the person everyone comes to with their problems. And I’ve heard a lot, from the “I’ve never told anyone this horrible story of what happened to me” to the “I can’t believe I’m even complaining about this and am obviously a bad person for even caring.” And I’ve managed to be sympathetic to every single one, not overly shocked by the shocking and not discounting of the seemingly small. Everyone has their own pain, and it’s always valid.
But with that “amateur therapist personality” in mind, I too have trouble with my own concerns. No matter what’s upsetting me, for some reason, the same picture always pops into my head. And yes, I know this makes me obviously nuts. But I always picture myself as some sort of midieval peasant (occasionally an American pioneer but not usually). And I think, really, in those circumstances, would it matter if I’d had a fight with my husband or my family was all messed up or I didn’t have any friends or whatever was upsetting me? For Chrissakes, Kendra, these people were too busy threshing the wheat to grind the flour to make the bread. Those are real problems!
My heart goes out to you, truly. I feel that my problems legitimately pale in comparison to what you’ve gone through, epecially in the last year or so. But I understand the instinct to discount your own suffering and hope you can be okay with feeling a little bit of it a little bit at a time. (And continue to be funny, since “feeling your feelings” is obviously more of a strength for me than being funny myself.)
Woah hoo! I can see the page fine now! Glad it is fixed. 🙂
Love the new look!
Feel it. Share it.
It’s an amazing thing, this internet community. The strength that is shared when one of us feels like crap, life is sucking the very soul from the body, there are people that just come by and say, Hey, It’s all good, here for you. And then it’s not so bad.
I agree completely!! During my parents divorce, my mother dropped me off at my dads on her weekend and they both fought in the driveway right in front of me, both basically saying “you take her” “no you take her”. I was 10 and it sucked balls. Neither one remembers it to this day, but its something I never will forget.
Plus, I work as a mental health counselor now, so I am always putting my self last, well because, someone else’s parents LIT THEM ON FIRE….which totally trumps my story.
Long comment short…we all need to give ourselves a break.
I’m sure one of the other 190 ish commenters has already said this, but I really, really love this post. I am all about the feelings. And having them, and moving on after they’ve run their course. and then of course, laughing about them later when the humor and levity are more apparent.
I work with people who DO have cancer. Surprisingly, even they are sometimes not allowed by the people around them whine and cry. One of my pet fucking peeves is when patients come in and their friend or family member is just absolutely smothering them in platitudes and cheery, positive, not-gonna-let-this-cancer-keep-us-from having fun Pollyannaishness. If you can’t have a pitaboo day when your hair is falling out in handfuls, then I just don’t know what.
Life is sweet and sour. I don’t trust people who never whine or bitch. That’s just not real.
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now but have never commented. Just want to say that I LOVE reading what you have to say! Give yourself permission to write whatever you want.
But if you do decide to sculpt that anger statue out of clay…pretty pretty please post a picture of it!
Old werk computer, IE7, works fine!
I think we’re twins separated at birth and years apart, but denial is what’s gotten me through life. Although it’s getting harder because RL keeps intruding, but I’ve got my memories.
I’ll read whatever you want to blog about!
Good for you! I’m proud of you! Blog whatever you want – the trolls will find *something* to say about anything…except for the obvious things – those seem to run away from.
But never mind – you’re here and fffffrrrrreeeee eeeeee
(cause free spelled out long just looked well, wrong ((a pun!!)) )
ah hell, Aunt Becky, dont just dip the toe in the water, come for a swim. Sometimes a pity party is what is needed, remove some of the clutter, (making room for some more) I too am miserable as of late, but you really perk me up, and truth be told, sometimes I feel better knowing that someone else is suffering right along with me, even if it is in blogland. You keep me coming back for more!!
I’m going to keep liking you because I’m going to *assume* that you don’t put this craziness off on other people too! I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help but be reminded of my MIL reading your post. She is QUEEN of the Other People Have No Legs Syndrome. I have learned to not respond with anything other than a “fabulous” when she asks how I am because a) she doesn’t really give a shit anyway, and b) even if things suck, she’ll blow it off and it won’t matter.
You’re working 90 hours a week? Oh, well, at least you have a job!!! Your children died??! At least you have each other! *Perhaps* if she deems something worthy she’ll throw out a drive-by, “I’ll pray for you,” because that *automatically* makes everything okay. (FWIW, I’m all for prayer. I just think tings can still suck, too!)
Anywho, I apologize, because that’s a total tangent you don’t care about – but one I can’t write about on my own blog because DH reads it! (I mean, he *knows,* but seeing it is different.)
What I MEANT to say here is that there is a huge middle ground between the Other People Have No Legs Syndrome and the Pain Olympics. Life can be hard. It sometimes sucks. In my ever so humble opinon (and the reason I blog), getting it “out there” as quickly and un-mess-ily as possible is one of the best things you can do.
Love to you, Aunt Becky.
I’m sorry, I just have no words right now! Your story about your mom cancelling Christmas is triggering something in my brain of something similar that happened to me (we have seriously similar childhoods!), but I can’t put my finger on it. I’d pretty much rather cut a finger off than talk about my feelings. I went to a counselor for a while and my feelings was a huge part of what we talked about, mainly because I can’t name them. I can tell if something feels good, bad, or indifferent, but if you want a specific feeling, it would be quicker if you tasked me with going to the South American rain forest and naming all the fauna, ’cause we’re going to be here a long time.
Love the new layout, by the way!
I’m still waiting for the claim from my ‘not so great’ visit with Dr. I Wear 4 Inch Heels To Hear Your Problems.
@Minivan Soapbox I got the bill and after I had to pick my jaw up off the floor I realized that holy beJESUS that really wasn’t worth my money. A new purse would have been FAR better therapy for the money.
I FUCKING LOVE YOU. I have tried the whole ‘but at least I’ve got legs’ approach and well, it’s stupid. My pain is mine and I don’t have to feel bad about it just because others may suffer more than I have. Is that insensitive? Whatevs.
Wow. Your mother and my father should get together. Christmas was never canceled at my house, we just wish it had been. Misery, anxiety, and dysfunction always peaked with “happy” events. My birthday still makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I apologize for it every year and am the most comfortable when no one remembers.
It’s funny how trolls always bring up those who have it worse but, usually, the people who really *are* worse off (and not just trying to start a pissing contest) don’t call you out on the carpet. Hmmmm…
I’m not a feelings person either. I’ve been called “dead inside” more times than I can count. How exactly do you “re-learn” about feelings – is there an on-line class I could take or something?
@Kristine Fake it ’til we make it, I think.
I suffer from the guilt thing too. When I bitch about stuff I always immediately add a disclaimer: “Well, I know it’s not THAT bad. I mean, there are homeless and starving people everywhere!” Or something like that. Sometimes I wish I WAS the conscienceless psychopath that my mother occasionally accuses me of being.
@Jenn You’re hardly conscienceless. And your mother can meet my foot if she dares say that near me. Intimately meet my foot. That’s a huge pile of bullshit and you’d BETTER not believe it. SERIOUSLY.
Your post helped me grow from a lurker to a commentator. Is that even right? Commenter? Whatever!
My mom cancelled Christmas too! I never had one of those “A Christmas Story” Christmas’s where everyone woke up and was happy Christmas day. Every single year there was a reason why it couldn’t be fun for me. Yes, I even have pictures to prove it! One picture had my mother smiling brightly at the camera, while yanking my pigtail as I wailed. She denied the incident even while looking at the photo!
I look back thinking that my childhood could have been better, but it made me the strong person that I am. I’m sorry that my mother thought she could only get through her day with cheap Canadian whiskey or vodka. But I was able to learn from her mistakes.
The cool thing is: I can give my kids the Christmases I missed out on. Even though they don’t appreciate my efforts right now, I enjoy it. I get to have my “A Christmas Story” Christmas.
Hopefully this year the little monsters won’t wake up at midnight, open all the gifts and smear chocolate on the wall again! (Unfortunately, that was the year I had to cancel Christmas.)
And your layout is beautiful!
@Arugala Oh my heart hurts for you. But I agree, I have learned from the mistakes I saw and that is what matters.
I swear, some parents have children just to have someone to torment?
Truth, my mother apparently tried to out Crawford Joan Crawford..She’d wake me in the middle of the night because my clothes were facing the wrong way on the hangers, or I had left the toilet lid up.
I just contacted my sister’s half brother, whom she has never tried to contact because their father was such a prince… My sister flew to Hawaii one time when she was 12 to visit him, and he never showed up at the airport to pick her up…the airline flew her home at like 2 am that night.
But, what I have learned, is that this makes us great(at least good..or better) parents in attempt to not do to our kids what was done to us. I dated a guy who had the Ozzie & Harriet childhood..and guess what? He could not cope with anything…especially change.
You are not your mother, I am not MY mother and we are strong (Roar!)
Feelings are good, feeling feelings is what makes us human. I am happy for your budding feelers.
I have always had a bit of pity for men… in our culture they are mostly the ones who must be strong and not show pain or sorrow and worst of all, have been shunned for showing love/tenderness… Women are the lucky ones (IMO) we are (and have been) allowed to be soft. This has changed in modern times..but think about our fathers, and what was expected of them. My hubby still has a really hard time with “feelings”
I guess I’m rambling again.
Your blog is fixed since this went up I guess, cause I can see it fine.
Christmas, this year? Anything you want it to be… House decorated to look like a scale model of “Candy Land”
<3
Kelly
@Kelly Several weeks ago (I am not kidding) I realized that I am not my mother. I am not miserable. I am (mostly) happy with my life. My unhappiness is purely situational and will pass and has nothing WHATSOEVER to do with being mentally ill or making decisions that I am unhappy with.
This is huge. HUGE. My own mother spent her wedding hoping to be rescued by an ex-boyfriend and her honeymoon in tears because he never came. Her marriage, I should add, to my father.
Your comment wasn’t rambly, it was perfect, and I loved it. I’m sorry that you had the same sort of childhood I did. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone.
So, it’s great you’re going to work through your “issues”. But the really important thing here is:where can I get a spiffy new look for my blog? does it cost something? Hook a sistah up.
@Margaret The bird layout? Free. If you want some blogspot layouts try googling cutest little blog on the block. They have a bunch of blogspot layouts. I have a wordpress layout.
Anything truly awesome costs cash.
I’m not my mother either. Which, might I add, is a DAMN GOOD THING.
While I’ve only known you a little while, please know I’m not going anywhere (unsubscribe? Are you joking?). Pain is pain. What might be “manageable” to some just isn’t to others. And sometimes I think we bring up the really painful stuff from our past in jokes because you know, maybe to us it doesn’t seem quite as shocking anymore because it’s our “normal”.
Like when my parents decided that I would no longer be part of the family if I married Hubs. Or when my Mom claimed to have visions from God that Hubs would be dead in 10 yrs.
Good for you to see someone to talk about it. It has taken me 18 years, and I’m still not completely over the whole thing.
@Scattered Mom I don’t think you get over it. Ever. You learn to deal with it, that’s all. I still get bitter when I read about other families who are close knit. I know it’s not fair but I do.
Over it, no. Never.
Hang in there.
My first theme, with the water drop, was by Randa Clay, who did your theme (and she did the Twitter bird too). I found she wasn’t big on programming things in.
As for toe in the water, good job! It’s not easy. But I like it so much I’ve been doing it for years and years. Not publicly much until the past year.
@Dot I need to switch to another theme. This is my old, OLD theme and while I think it’s pretty, I need something different. But hearing you had issues relieved me.