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Yet Another Way The Internet Makes You Feel Bad About Yourself

October10

There’s no end to the way to the way people who write blogs, use The Facebook, Tumblr, and use The Twitter can judge themselves. Number of comments, number of blog hits, amount of “friends” on The Facebook, number of Tumblr followers, number of The Twitter followers. It never fucking ends.

Because, at the end of the day, Pranksters, we ALL know someone artificially better than ourselves.

The question, though, is DO WE GIVE A FUCK?

(let’s hear it for a resounding NO)

(see also: why let The Man keep us down?)

I was recently introduced to a new concept in Feel Bad About Yourself on the Internet:

Klout.

Klout is supposed to be a measure of your Twitter influence and blah-blah-blah, squirt, squirt. I stopped listening when I saw the shiny numbers.

Here, Pranksters, let me give you a tutorial about what Klout says about me.

OOOOH! Snazzy!

There a big fat number next to my Twitter avatar and some other buttons, who-dillys and whatchamacallits right there! I’m just SURE this is going to be a GREAT representation of how I, Your Aunt Becky, behaves on The Internet. I am SURE I’m about to learn something!

So, what’s this about “topics?” Let’s see what topics I choose to impart my most important innermost thoughts and feelers about. After all, this is what I’m influential about!

You had me, Klout, until you told me I was influential about “tacos.” Because while I do routinely say, “I’d like to kick Martha Stewart in the taco,” I don’t think we have an understanding as to precisely what type of taco I’m referring to. Perhaps you’ll do better next time, Klout.

P.S. Why can’t I be influential about encased meats? #justsayin

If there’s a single more useless vegetable in the planet than celery, I do know know what it is. Tacos, I can sorta understand, Klout, but CELERY? I hate celery with the fiery passions of a thousand burning suns, more vigorously than I hate John C. Mayer, and I’d be willing to bet that I’ve never, ever said anything about celery in my life.

BECAUSE CELERY DOESN’T MERIT CONVERSATIONS.

In fact, Pranksters, this may be the longest I’ve spoken about celery in my life.

Celery = bullshit. Let’s move on.

Lastly, let’s see my Klout style. Certainly this will give some insight into the crap I spew out in 140 characters or less…right? The celery thing has to be some sort of fucked-up glitch on Klout’s end. It simply must be.

…..

……

So you’re saying I’m a pundit about celery, Klout? A CELERY PUNDIT? I MAKE THE MOTHERFUCKING NEWS ABOUT CELERY?

Ouch.

Just.

OUCH.

posted under Blogging About Blogging Makes Me a Douche

83 Comments to

“Yet Another Way The Internet Makes You Feel Bad About Yourself”

On October 10th, 2011 at 10:30 am Alexandra/Empress Says:
I know.

I just want to shut it all off.

As of the internal talk wasn’t enough…

You are the call to action pundit, Aunt Becky.

xo
On October 10th, 2011 at 11:00 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Right? Like, I WRITE BECAUSE I LIKE IT AND DON’T YOU DARE MEASURE ME…ooooh shiny!
On October 10th, 2011 at 10:33 am Lance Says:
I don;t use klout. I have no klout. I don’t even like the movie Klute.

Dude, you’re “influential” on six of the greatest things ever. Cheesburgers? Freals?

Your blog is influence enough, plus what you rock over at band back together. Stay strong, sister. Keep fighting the man.

peace out brussel spout
On October 10th, 2011 at 11:00 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Klout is bullshit.
On October 10th, 2011 at 10:35 am YeungJeans Says:
Klout told me I was influential about skiing and Colorado – I had never tweeted about either.
On October 10th, 2011 at 11:01 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Woah. That’s kinda creepy, Klout.
On October 10th, 2011 at 10:41 am Lindsay Dianne Says:
I HATE celery. Klout is generally ridiculous and, yes, a pissing contest.
Klout autocorrects to Lloyd…. In other news.
On October 10th, 2011 at 11:02 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Lloyd is better than Klout.
On October 10th, 2011 at 10:43 am Jayme (RandomBlogette) Says:
Klout is just insanity as far as I am concerned. I see no rhyme or reason as to how the topics are even figured out. Why the hell can’t we figure out our own topics or suggest topics? Why does THE MAN have to tell us what we are influential in. Apparently I am influential in “festival”. What. The. Fuck.

I wanna be influential on boobs.
On October 10th, 2011 at 11:03 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
BWAHAHAHA.

I want to be influential about, um. vaginas.
On October 10th, 2011 at 6:21 pm Wombat Central Says:
Heh heh, well, they DID say you were influential about tacos. And… um… well, you know.
On October 10th, 2011 at 10:48 am Ms Dreamer Says:
Because we all need to have more interwebz Klout, right? Fuck that noise. I’m doing good to keep up with Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, my blog, and cruising for random pictures of hot guys and bacon. I do have to throw work in there at some point!

Celery IS bullshit, unless it’s stuffed with Velveeta or peanut butter.
On October 10th, 2011 at 11:04 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Celery Salt is about as far as I’ll go. Klout can suck my ass.
On October 10th, 2011 at 10:04 pm Grace Says:
Wow. Hot guys and bacon. You just made my night!
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:39 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
I love you.
On October 10th, 2011 at 10:49 am Kelly Says:
I just heard about klout from someone this morning. Apparently, I am influential about toilet paper and Colorado. II don’t know what it means, but it is giving me great joy. Toilet paper! That makes me cool, right?
On October 10th, 2011 at 11:04 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
OMG. I am SO JEALOUS of your influence in TP. I love that shit.

Um.

Wait.

Awkward.
On October 10th, 2011 at 10:51 am thepsychobabble Says:
I STILL DON’T GET KLOUT.
How it works OR why I “need” it.
Is klout going to pay my bills? Or offer to babysit? No?
Then fuck klout.
On October 10th, 2011 at 11:05 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Fuck Klout and it’s celery pundit ass.
On October 10th, 2011 at 10:55 am Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd Says:
Looks to me like Klout is the celery pundit.
On October 10th, 2011 at 11:05 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
I think Klout IS the celery pundit. Better it than me.
On October 10th, 2011 at 10:55 am Delicia Says:
If this post were on all my social networks, I would Like, and Retweet, and do whatever the fuck else to shout it to the heavens. But, as I can barely keep up with the Latest and Greatest Next Big Social Networking THING, I’ll just say here, AGREE. So sick of everyone using stuff like this to measure their E-Peen.
On October 10th, 2011 at 11:06 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
RIGHT? Like SRSLY? We need to mushroom print each other to prove we’re better at…celery punditness?
On October 10th, 2011 at 11:10 am CycleNinja Says:
So is it OK for me to stalk your celery? (Get it? Celery–stalk? I kill me).
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:40 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Bwahahaha. Paul, I don’t even know what to say 😉
On October 10th, 2011 at 11:11 am Kim Tracy Prince Says:
Klout send me a sandwich. I can be bought.
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:40 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Um. I need a sandwich. Why didn’t my stupid Klout buy me a sandwich? *stomps*
On October 10th, 2011 at 11:15 am Katherine @ Postpartum Progress Says:
I have a Klout of 70 too. That and a quarter will get me … nothing. Not even a cup of coffee.

But I will say, I’m very impressed that you are a celery pundit. I think you should embrace it. If they ever need a celery panel on CNN, you’ll be the first person they call. Imagine the fame!
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:41 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
I really think we’re going to go places with this Celery Pundit thing. I see myself on Anderson Cooper discussing the latest and greatest news about celery: that useless vegetable.
On October 10th, 2011 at 11:40 am Triplezmom Says:
I like “Celery Pundit”, actually. Not its accuracy, but just the phrasing of it.”Aunt Becky, Celery Pundit, would like to say a few words. . .” so much more exciting that “blogger”.
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:42 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
I think you’re a genius. You should do my PR when I get famous for knowing all about celery.
On October 10th, 2011 at 11:58 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:
And apparently you influence Grover the muppet, going by the avatars. Maybe Grover is secretly a Celery Monster?
My Klout score is 41 and I am influential about hotels.
I stay in hotels twice a year for a total of 8 days all year.
But apparently I am so freaking awesome at it I am influencing the hell out of everyone.
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:42 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
I know I feel influenced NOW. Thank you.
On October 10th, 2011 at 11:58 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:
Oh, and Diet Pepsi whci gets a big old What the Fuck Klout, since I hate Diet Pepsi.
On October 10th, 2011 at 12:02 pm Emily R Says:
MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY!!!!!
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:43 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
But! don’t you want to know MORE about how much you suck as compared to others? I LOVE THAT STUFFS.
On October 10th, 2011 at 12:07 pm Vinobaby Says:
Thanks for ruining my day. My pitiful Klout score has dropped. I guess I wasn’t chatty enough to impress this weekend, because…oh, I don’t know…I HAVE A LIFE. Well, actually I don’t, but I can pretend. If I tweet how I am covering my keyboard in cheese powder right now can I be influential about Chex Mix? Klout says I’m influential about beauty, wine, & books (yeah Baby) and hurricanes and hangovers? WTF?

Oh, and celery makes me yak, but tacos are good (hey, get some Taco Bell advertising?)

Cheers.
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:43 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Mine drops every day. I think I need to Tweet more.
On October 10th, 2011 at 12:09 pm Tracie Says:
Last week Klout told me I was influential about money. So I tweeted about the possibility of a Money Klout Perk (as in, send me some money, yo!) and the next day, i was magically no longer a money influencer.
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:43 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
THEY’D BETTER NOT TAKE AWAY MY CELERY PUNDITNESS.
On October 10th, 2011 at 12:10 pm Sara Says:
Yeah, I’m influential about boats. BOATS.

As in, “I’m on a boat”. What a dick move Klout. I don’t even have an effing boat.

Fuck.
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:44 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
I wish you owned a boat. I’d bring my celery onto your boat.

OMG THAT SOUNDED DIRTY.
On October 10th, 2011 at 12:18 pm Brandi Says:
I had no clue about Klout until I applied for a writing job and they wanted my score as part of the application. Apparently anyone with a score under 50 need not apply.
On October 10th, 2011 at 10:09 pm Grace Says:
That’s just sad and pathetic. Because your own writing isn’t good enough.
On October 10th, 2011 at 12:40 pm Choosy Says:
Hi!
Not sure how to privately email you so I am just commenting. I follow your sites and dwink. Do you know that all your posts are also posting on Dwink?

Just thought I’d mention it.

Oh and I sent my babyfacts to band back together. Thanks for that. October 15th always makes me blue. Talking about it and sharing it helps. You Rock! Love you!
T
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:45 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
UGH. really? Thank you so much for letting me know. Do you have the URL for it so I can shut it down? UGH.

OOH. I should send out a reminder about that over here. Do you think I should do my wall, too? I think I should.
On October 10th, 2011 at 1:06 pm Nico Says:
The world ends when celery accidentally finds its way into my mouth. Same thing for water chestnuts. *shudder*
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:46 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
OMG. OMG OMG OMG. *BARFS*

I HATE WATER CHESTNUTS. We’re clearly BFF.
On October 10th, 2011 at 1:48 pm nikkiana Says:
Oh goddamnit, you influenced me to look at my Klout score. *facepalm*

Apparently I also am influential about bacon.
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:46 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Is the INTERNET simply influential about bacon? I am seriously confused. @bandback2gether is influential about bacon. Um. Huh?
On October 10th, 2011 at 1:54 pm magpie Says:
i’m quite sure i’ve given you +K in celery, because i am all about the subversion of klout.
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:47 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Are you kidding? I want to be as influential about the stupidest crap ever. You’re mah favorite, Mags.
On October 10th, 2011 at 2:16 pm Jonah Gibson Says:
Celery! I freaking love celery. Celery is my favorite food. ‘Why then, Jonah, are you such a fatass?’ you ask. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t have any Klout topics. I’ve been talking about unemployment, the economy, and not having medical insurance for a year and a half now. My Klout score is 25, and I don’t have any topics. WTF, Becks?? I would gladly trade my joblessness for your celery and 20 Klout points.
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:50 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Jonah, will you marry me?
On October 10th, 2011 at 2:33 pm Kimmy Says:
Umm, yeah. I don’t do most of the internet social networking crap. I don’t blog for others, I blog for frickin’ ME. And so family has a way to hear about the kids without making 28 phone calls. I’m shutting down my facebook this week too. I shall be down to Twitter, Google + and Ravelry. The latter of which I still have to hack back into.
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:51 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
I have to hack into ANYTHING that requires a password. Why? I’m a moron. Also: internet stuff is dumb unless it’s a free sandwich, in which case, RAD.
On October 10th, 2011 at 4:55 pm katrina Says:
Klout? Dwink? really…?? these are real things….? couldn’t they think of sillier names…?
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:51 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Yeah. Right? AWESOME.
On October 10th, 2011 at 5:49 pm Susan Faris Says:
I don’t blog so I suppose my Klout score is 0, which is fine by me since my clout score with the friends and family is 100.
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:51 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
I’m going to pretend my family and friends would give me a clout of 100, but it’s probably more like 30. Perhaps I need to be adopted into your family.
On October 10th, 2011 at 7:04 pm Chrissy @ Fireflies and Hummingbirds Says:
I stopped paying any mind to Klout when it said I was influential about poison ivy or egg salad or some such nonsense. Anyone who gives a second thought to their Klout score ought to know that essentially, it means nothing.
On October 11th, 2011 at 10:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Egg Salad? That’s just…that makes me afraid.
On October 10th, 2011 at 7:16 pm KaraB Says:
I love that you are most influtential about Bacon. (Yes Bacon with a capital B, the way God intended.) If I’m telling someone about you, the first thing I say is, that Aunt Becky, she sure knows her Bacon.
On October 11th, 2011 at 11:03 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
I know, I KNOW my bacon. However, I am more fluent in Encased Meats. Which, um, KLOUT, GET IT TOGETHER.
On October 10th, 2011 at 9:11 pm Cindy Says:
OMMFG you make me laugh til I hurt. I love you!
On October 11th, 2011 at 11:03 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
I love you!
On October 10th, 2011 at 9:34 pm Daniel Devereux Says:
Klout says I’m influential about The Ocean, I’ve never been there.

Also you need celery for Bloody Marys.
On October 11th, 2011 at 11:04 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Bwahahahaha. The ocean? You should ask Klout to SEND you to the ocean.
On October 10th, 2011 at 10:12 pm Grace Says:
Let’s see. I have no topics. I influence no one. I have no achievements. And I am an “Observer” – Hey! They got one right!! Klout can kiss my big ol’ white booty.

Mmmmm…. Bacon….
On October 11th, 2011 at 11:04 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Mmmmmm….bacon.
On October 11th, 2011 at 12:27 am flutter Says:
please PLEASE make “I am a celery pundit” tees
On October 11th, 2011 at 11:05 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Bwahahaha. You’d be the only one wearing it.
On October 11th, 2011 at 7:43 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:
This might be crazy… (just might, I’m saying) but maybe Klout predicts the future.

And maybe you’re about to realize that celery is your long lost love.

Something to think about.

Or not, depending on your beliefs in regard to Internet judging tools and time manipulation.
On October 11th, 2011 at 11:07 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
You know what? I think you’re right. Consider my mind? BLOWN.
On October 11th, 2011 at 8:04 am Becky Says:
When we were children, didn’t we all someday dream of having influence over pointless, flavorless veggies and shells full of meat? I do recall “Pundit” Barbie 😉 We can joke about the celery, but be proud of the Bacon!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have single handley influenced me to make big, awesome BLT’s and flip off Flout at the same time! :o)
On October 11th, 2011 at 11:07 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Bwahahahahahahahaa.

Marry me.
On October 11th, 2011 at 8:17 am Kim Says:
What a great post! I don’t really know much about klout! I have seen the +k posts on Twitter, but find it all annoying so I haven’t checked it out! Now, I don’t think I’m missing anything. Thank you.
On October 11th, 2011 at 11:08 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
The +K posts are SO annoying. UGH.
On October 11th, 2011 at 8:55 am Caroline Says:
I simply stoped at Facebook. Like, I got a facebook account where I keep my real human friends (that I have had even before The Facebook) and I have an email account and a blog that I write simply for fun with no perticular intentions and I have a cell phone……that’s it. I have never tweeted, never google +ed and my life is very good. Sometimes you have to stop with the accounts and the internets opinion……..it’ll just mess with your brain.
On October 11th, 2011 at 9:35 am imperfectmomma Says:
Yeah…klout is the equivalent to high school. Its a measure of how cool you are online. Guess thats why my scores so low…I was always part of the out crowd…wait…out crowd. Is that how you say it.

Ah screw it….I was always the odd ball out. Can you tell?
On October 12th, 2011 at 1:35 pm Marta Says:
I just gave you Klout in celery. I hope you like it =)
On September 26th, 2012 at 7:20 am @futuremonkey Says:
@CatMean @klout http://t.co/3XZMff4n
On April 5th, 2013 at 4:09 am Influence Is Not The Same As Popularity - Hung Lee | Hung Lee Says:
[…] We hear that it’s inaccurate. That it’s not fair. And it makes the internet a worse place to be […]