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Reasons I’m Glad The Apocalypse Is Coming

May17

If you haven’t heard, The Apocalypse is coming. I know this because I saw it on a billboard and billboards never lie. Just like The Internet. It never lies.

Here, see?

This is not NEARLY as Fear Mongering as it should be.

Here, try this one, Pranksters. See if you feel MORE afraid now:

*shudders* It’s the fucking daisies. They get me EVERY time.

Anyway, so this guy said it was SUPPOSED to be the apocalypse back in 1994, but apparently the guy was wrong then. It happens. I mean who WOULDN’T make mistakes while calculating The End of Days?

So this time, he’s sure he’s right. And you know what Pranksters? I’m GLAD. Here’s why.

1) I won’t have to pay off my credit cards! When I’m rotting away in the afterlife, my creditors will too! This is a win.

3) I won’t have to plant any of the shrubbery I bought for my front yard. Let’s be honest here: I’m tired of digging holes and then filling them with plants. Now, I won’t have to!

6) I’ll never have to pen the children’s book: “Shhhh, Baby, Mama’s Hungover.”

10) Hell, I’ll never have to pen ANY book, because I’ll be roasting away in the fiery pits of Hades. This will make looking for a new literary agent or self-publishing a total moot point.

15) I will never have to listen to that stupid fucking duck on the Wonderpets say, “This. Is. SEWIOUS” again, because he’ll be all BLAM! BLAM! DEAD.

21) I’ll never have to worry about getting past those stupid pigs in Angry Birds.

28) No one cares if you’re a size four in hell.

36) I’ll never have to clean another litterbox. Less poo = win for all of us.

45) I won’t have to watch Extreme Couponing and feel guilty that I can’t seem to save three hundred dollars every time I go to the store. Because there will be no stores!

55) I’ll get to hang out with most of LA down in hell.

66) I can stop plotting the demise of Mark Zuckerberg, John C. Mayer OR Jimmy Wales.

78) I’ll never have to hear the words, “social media,” “viral video,” “let’s connect!” or “bloggy” again.

91) I won’t have to worry that someone will send filler flowers (carnations, baby’s breath) to my funeral because there will BE no funeral.

105) I won’t have to hear about the Real Housewives again.

120) I can finally forget about that girl who reminds me of a Chicken McNugget, Snookie.

136) Maybe I can finally get a nap.

————-

Why are YOU excited for the Apocalypse, Pranksters?

posted under Daddy's Little Girl Loves Disco, Jimmy Motherfucking Wales, john c. mayer

79 Comments to

“Reasons I’m Glad The Apocalypse Is Coming”

On May 17th, 2011 at 11:53 am Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) Says:
Wait a minute! Snooki reminds you of a Chicken McNugget? She reminds me of a troll…
On May 17th, 2011 at 11:54 am Ewokmama Says:
Can you and I throw a Hell Party? That would be HAWT!
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:05 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
DUDE. WE HAVE TO THROW A HELL PARTY.
On May 17th, 2011 at 11:56 am TheTameOne Says:
As long as I get my dessert in before 6:00 pm EST, I’m down with some Apocalypso.
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:05 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
We should throw a party.
On May 17th, 2011 at 11:57 am TwoBusy Says:
“No one cares if you’re a size four in hell” pretty much demands to be put on a tattoo.
On May 17th, 2011 at 12:02 pm pbpdesigns Says:
So very true!
Would look awesome across the backside of a ‘full-bodied’ chick, don’t you think?(no offense intended)
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:05 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Dude. YES.
On May 17th, 2011 at 9:29 pm JenniferB Says:
Word!
On May 17th, 2011 at 11:57 am Sara Says:
Carnations are the official death flower and I hate them.

But the Apocalypse?! This. Is. Sewious.
On May 17th, 2011 at 11:58 am Brandon Says:
I love it! And your tagline is better than mine. When I did my ‘Judgement Day’ post (http://bit.ly/m2WenB) I used the “hide yo kids, hide yo wife” quote.

I’m actually taking this goofy idea one step further. I’m writing an open letter to the kooks in my town.

“If you’re planning on being Raptured on May 21, you won’t need your car anymore, right? Or money? Please help me fight the good fight against Satan and donate to the cause. If you sign your car/home title over, I will not collect until May 22nd. Don’t worry, you’ll be long gone by then!”

…think it’ll work? All I need is one, and daddy gets a new set of wheels…
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:01 pm Ogorka Says:
Dooooooo it! Think you can nab me a new PS3 while you’re at it? I’ll bake you some cookies in exchange.
On May 17th, 2011 at 12:03 pm Kim Says:
I’d say it is totally worth it, since I also hate baby’s breath and would have to come back to haunt anyone who sent it to my own funeral. Which just sounds exhausting.

However, I would like to see my 4yo in her 1st tap dance recital, which is the 22nd. Any chance we can push it to late Sunday afternoon?
On May 17th, 2011 at 12:11 pm Chris in PHX Says:
I cant wait to go looting the neighbors if this rapture nonsense really happens…they got a 70″ plasma for x-mas
On May 17th, 2011 at 12:21 pm not that kendall Says:
I’m excited that, thanks to the rapture, I won’t have to be a reader in a wedding this summer. Public speaking makes me long for an apocalypse.
On May 17th, 2011 at 12:26 pm Kevin Boulas Says:
Anybody can forget to carry the ‘1’ while adding …

I’ll see you in Hell! I’ll be by the pool – I’ll save you a seat.

K

PS In case the Rapture / Apocalypse does NOT materialize this time, to whom should we direct our complaints?
On May 17th, 2011 at 12:35 pm AngstyJen Says:
Do you think I can skip shaving my legs this week, since the firey furnace of hell should effectively singe the hair off? Plus I’ll be dead and stuff.
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:03 pm Erin Says:
Snooki reminds me of an Oompa Loompa. Anyway….

Looks like they’ll be a party in Hell! I know us Pranksters know how to PAAAAARTAY!!!!!
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:03 pm Ogorka Says:
I look forward to not having to clean the toilet… do dead people poop?
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:07 pm Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:
I am all for the party in Hell idea. I also agree with like half the list. Maybe more my math skills are bad but I won’t need them when I am dead. And I am with Angsty Jen I so not shaving my legs.
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:11 pm Audrey Says:
Seriously…have you seen this book: Baby Mix Me a Drink
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:24 pm Kristy Says:
There is no end to your witty awesome!
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:25 pm Sunday Koffron Says:
I won’t ever have to hear those goodie-goodies prattling on and on about how the rest of us are going to hell again. (Although I think if there is a g-d she has a few surprises in store for them, anyway.)
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:29 pm SharleneT Says:
May 21st! May 21st! I’m not ready. Make this go away. And, come visit before you go to hell…
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:29 pm Joules Says:
Dude, why is there a cheeseburger? It struck me in that certain way and I had the hysterical giggles for 5 minutes. I just looked at it again and they’re back. Or maybe I’m just feeling light headed due to the whole humanity clinging to the last vestiges of all existence before we’re tossed into the hot and burny he’ll pit thing.
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:36 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Why is there a cheeseburger? Cheeseburgers are the pinnacle of awesome. THAT is why.
On May 17th, 2011 at 3:58 pm Joules Says:
As a vegetarian I’ll respectfully agree to disagree in regards to the placement of cheeseburgers in the chain of awesome.
My question was why something awesome is includede on the hell flyer. Is it like, sorry you’re about to be consumed by an everlasting fire, here’s a cheeseburger for your inconvenience? Or more like here’s what you’ll never have again, sucker?
On May 17th, 2011 at 4:37 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I think the cheeseburger says (artfully), “We’ll be eating cheeseburgers in heaven while you burn in hell, you fucking heathen.”
On May 17th, 2011 at 5:23 pm Joules Says:
Little known fact: although most people equate vegetarian with heathen in actuality (and I don’t mean to throw anyone under the bus) it’s those god damned vegans. I mean, the cheese in cheeseburger comes first for a reason, right?
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:32 pm Trinity Says:
OMG, Post’s like this are the reason I effing love you! You’re hilarious and thank god I won’t have to pay off my damn credit card bill! I’ve already told my boss if he doesn’t see me Monday it’s because I’ve been sent burning to Hades!
Sweet! A long, long weekend!!
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:42 pm Alexis Says:
Well if the world is ending I don’t need to feel guilty about that entire pint of Chubby Hubby I finished off because I won’t be wearing a 2-piece in hell. And I won’t have to read the Wikipedia page on “The Help” to try to fake my way through my book club meeting. Although now I really want to go shopping because it just feels wrong to face Armageddon in saggy jeans and a faded Gap t-shirt.
On May 17th, 2011 at 2:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
EAT AWAY.
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:48 pm Jess Says:
I hate to be all piss in your soup and all, but the end of the world is NOT May 21. Oh no, that’s just Judgment Day. Though how the hell Judgment Day isn’t the end of the world is totally beyond me. Hey wait, if I say hell does that mean I fail Judgment Day? Is it like some sort of test? I really hope it’s not scantron, I hate those fucking scantron things. My eyes are too old for dots, unless of course they’re in pretty patterns or come as a result of hitting my head from drinking too much Tito’s Vodka.

But back to my point, if I had one… oh yeah, I remember, The end of the World is on October 21. So apparently the idea is for everyone who passes the damn scantron test to have 6 months to rub it in to all of the failures.

Don’t believe me? http://www.familyradio.com You can’t make this shit up.
On May 17th, 2011 at 2:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
We all know that I’ll fail Judgement day. Which means I’ll be here.
On May 17th, 2011 at 7:52 pm paige furr Says:
Tito’s Vodka ROCKS! Hope they serve it in hell!
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:52 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:
“The end is come”? huh?

I always assumed the apocalypse would be grammatically correct.

“The end is coming” or perhaps “The end is near” or even “The end has come and you all missed it muthafuckers”
On May 17th, 2011 at 2:16 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
I thought the same thing. I really do think they should have someone check that shit.
On May 17th, 2011 at 7:54 pm Dawn Says:
The correct expression is, “The end is nigh.” I wish the crazies would check these things first. It’s just so irresponsible.
On May 17th, 2011 at 1:55 pm VEG Says:
You are my hero. I will save you a spot in the part of hell that is reserved for the swearing heathens. FUCK YA!
On May 17th, 2011 at 2:16 pm SqueezeBoxLemon Says:
Wow. I also hate babies breath filler flowers. I’ve always thought they were such a tacky copout.

Why not just add some grass… yeah… sods of grass to my bouquet. At least you’d be original.

PS. I think I love you.
On May 17th, 2011 at 3:00 pm Misfit Mommy Says:
I was pissed at Derek for paying the mortgage this month. It would have been better spent on candy & porn…
On May 17th, 2011 at 3:17 pm Satan Says:
not sure, but i think this is supposed to be “the rapture,” which comes first before the apocalypse. i’m really not sure. it’s been a long time since i read my manual of “how to get all the awesome people over to party at my house.” but still.
i’m so looking forward to this, because all of the “good” people will be GONE, DADDY GONE! and all of us cool peeps will be left here with all the idiots OUT OF OUR WAY!!

THEN, when the apocalypse comes, we can all crash my pad and party pretty much forever. btw, there are endless marshmallows, graham crackers, chocolate bars, and hot dogs. so all those flames won’t get wasted, eh???
On May 17th, 2011 at 3:31 pm Jonah Gibson Says:
#105 will make it totally worthwhile all by itself, although, if you think about it, those bitches are going to be in hell too, pumping up the drama. Hell, they might even be the very things that make hell hell, but, if that’s the case, kind of makes the apocalypse moot since we’ve already got ’em. Wait, wait! Maybe the apocalypse was in 1994, just like the guy said, and we’re already in hell and that’s why we have real housewives, who mostly aren’t.
On May 17th, 2011 at 3:41 pm Aimee Says:
This. Is. SEWIOUS.
God, and I thought it was only me that got bugged by that.
On May 17th, 2011 at 3:46 pm Nico Says:
Fuck Extreme Couponing in the ear anyway. NOBODY actually needs 80 Speed Stick deodorants, 60 Glade plug-ins and 100 bottles of salad dressing. They’re the new Hoarders.
On May 17th, 2011 at 7:58 pm paige furr Says:
…and I’m gonna shoot whoever came up with the glade plug in commercial tune… lalalala…lalalalalalala! UGH!
On May 17th, 2011 at 3:53 pm Jess Says:
DUDETTE! These crazy people have been travelling around Savannah in a van painted some terrible colors with that strewn across it! THEN, I saw them on CNN and was like WHOA, those crazy mother fuckers are EVERYWHERE! I just thought it was some Savannah crazy!

SO, what we have planned is an End of the World Party…at our favorite bar! I mean, seriously, if it is going to end, shouldn’t we be drinking our asses off?!? (like usual)

Also, as we were having a “meeting” (known as getting drunk) and discussing our End of the World Party, we came across a conundrum. Kiritimati. Which is the first place in the world to have a New Years, meaning they are the first people who will know it is the end of the world. So shouldn’t these crazy people be kickin it in Kiritimati?!? They are going to have to wait FOREVER to find out if the world has started to end!

These are the important things in life, you know.
On May 18th, 2011 at 7:17 am Jana A Says:
Are they going to turn the Savannah River Rapture Red in honor of the Rapture? It totally does sound like something those crazy fuckers in Savannah would come up with. (Not you, obviously, because you’re not crazy. I don’t think. I don’t know. Maybe you are.) Anyway, maybe I’ll make the drive to savannah for the partay. Because if anybody knows how to do it, it’s y’all!
On May 19th, 2011 at 9:41 am Jess Says:
Jana! This is a FANTASTIC IDEA! RAPTURE RED! It is SURE to be a big hit! I mean, just look at what we do for St. Patrick’s Day! We have practically made that Christmas around these parts! (No, really, it is actually a PAID holiday for me!)

I must speak with my favorite bartender and have her come up with a rapture drink!
On May 17th, 2011 at 4:05 pm Sara Says:
I’m hoping for the nap thing, myself. Why do kids take such pleasure in knowing that their mom is one night away from a sleep deprived meltdown?
On May 17th, 2011 at 4:13 pm Erin Says:
The hamburger really clinches it. I’m glad the world’s gonna explode on Saturday ’cause then I don’t have to go on a diet before BlogHer. Which, let’s face it, I wasn’t gonna do anyway. I would’ve just been a fat blogger at BlogHer. Now I’ll just be dead!
On May 17th, 2011 at 4:36 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Dude, exactly. That’s perfect!
On May 17th, 2011 at 4:24 pm Mrs Woog Says:
I will get to sleep in
I will not have to worry about what to wear
Skin tone and elasticity will not matter
I too will be pleased re wonder pets
On May 17th, 2011 at 5:48 pm Issa Says:
I adore the way you number things. I may try it in an email to my best friend. I kinda like making her head spin.

#55 is possibly my favorite.
On May 17th, 2011 at 5:59 pm Josefina Says:
(1) So, I’ve been seeing those billboards for months. I thought the message was a (not so) clever attempt to get people to come and see a MOVIE about the end of the world that would be shown at a bunch of denominational churches on May 21. Just in the last week did I realize what they were really saying. I am floored that the reality of the whole message is more wacky than the scenario I was imagining.

(2) Speaking of imagining scenarios, I always imagine ones that involve me not paying off my credit cards. saaaaad trombone.

(3) I have been TRYING to figure out what the heck Snookie reminds me of! YES! CHICKEN NUGGET. One of many reasons I love you.
On May 17th, 2011 at 7:59 pm Dawn Says:
I wanna know how that whackadoodle got anyone to stop laughing at him long enough to MAKE the effin’ billboards. I mean seriously? SERIOUSLY??? Dude miscalculated it the first time, for a start. And for the people supporting him and driving around in vans with signs, PEOPLE! CAN YOU NOT SEE THE CRAZY RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU? Oh. Wait. You thought it was a mirror. Carry on. See you on Sunday.
On May 17th, 2011 at 8:49 pm nic @mybottlesup Says:
because that whole CATHOLIC GUILT will burn… BURN I SAY… BURN!!!
On May 17th, 2011 at 9:31 pm SarahT Says:
I am sorry to report that May 21 is merely the Rapture. It’s only the end of the world for the people going to Heaven.

The rest of us get a bonus 5 months until October. 5 MONTH PARTY!!!!!
On May 17th, 2011 at 9:36 pm @Dralthi Says:
When I saw one of the billboards (in South Africa), I couldn’t believe anybody could be that deep into the crazies. I think I should pass along my psychiatrist’s number to him and his followers. She has decades of experience in treating mental illness and I’m sure she’ll be able to help.

The upside to all this is that because it’ll only start at 6pm, there’ll be enough time for one more barbecue.
On May 17th, 2011 at 9:37 pm Betsy Says:
I will not have to attend the world’s most mind numbing QuickBooks conference! Thanks for hookin’ it up apocalypse!
On May 17th, 2011 at 9:41 pm phd in yogurtry Says:
Now there’s a question to ponder. What would I do if I KNEW I had only four days left to live. Besides eat all the chocolate mousse and New York cheesecake I could get my hands on.
On May 17th, 2011 at 9:41 pm KL Says:
So if its just the rapture, and I’m still here with ya, for obvious reasons, will my unemployment checks keep coming so I can enjoy the party? Just wondering…
On May 17th, 2011 at 11:54 pm A Field of Dreams Says:
Fuck me, sewiously? Better get my game face on.
On May 18th, 2011 at 1:27 am Al_Pal Says:
Hah! Awesome.
On May 18th, 2011 at 7:25 am Vinobaby Says:
Ha–I just blogged about this as well. Damn the billboards–I really wanted a trip to France next year to watch the aliens land!

But here in the Sunshine State we get a prize if we survive Saturday. Sunday morning we have a NUDE 5k. Too bad I’ll be to hungover to even consider running in it. Or just gawking. Bounce, bounce, bounce…

Cheers.
VB
On May 18th, 2011 at 7:52 am Mwa (Lost in Translation) Says:
I’d find it funny to see a fight between the ones that say the end is then, and the 2012 lot. There should be mud, and eye poking.
On May 18th, 2011 at 10:10 am Amanda Says:
I’m excited because it means I will never have to count weight watchers points again.

Also, I have some library books due Friday and I think I’m just going to skip the extra step it would take to return them.
On May 18th, 2011 at 10:18 am Anna Says:
I hate that fucking duck. If anyone is gonna teach my kid to speak bad, it’s-a-gunna be ME.
On May 18th, 2011 at 11:22 am Bodaciousboomer Says:
Knowing this now I’m going out to buy birthday cake and a big bottle of helium. I’m leaving this mortal coil stuffed with cake and sounding like Minnie Mouse.:)
On May 18th, 2011 at 12:04 pm katrina Says:
Ha ha ha! the catholic church would never go for this…..what a stupid marketing idea….how are you gonna make $$$$ off of this?

But back to the end of the world….those of you worried about your pets, there is http://www.eternal-earthbound-pets.com/ “the next best thing to pet salvation in a Post Rapture World”—“each eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.”

Ahhhhh…. this reminds me that reality is for people who can’t handle drugs….
On May 18th, 2011 at 3:57 pm ColinP Says:
Ok, I can now add Chicken McNuggets to my list of things I can longer eat. First it was the pistachio commericals and now well, that description (apt as it is) will be all I can see.
On May 18th, 2011 at 4:37 pm Suniverse Says:
If I’m “LEFT BEHIND” does that mean that I get to take other people’s stuff? I could use a new car.
On May 18th, 2011 at 6:48 pm Kristin Says:
I’m excited about the coming apocalypse because that means I never, ever have to actually clean my house and I can stop being embarrassed about the multitude of UFO (unfinished object) craft projects I have.
On May 19th, 2011 at 9:35 pm Ado Says:
I’m excited because the day before the end I’m finally going to tell a famous author who I have sucked up to for decades what I really think of her fiction. (-: I love-love-love this whole Apocalypse topic. I wrote a post today about Etiquette and proper dress code for those attending the Big Event! What to wear?!
On May 19th, 2011 at 10:49 pm flutter Says:
The fourth horseman of the fucking apocalypse lives right across the street from me. His very presence harkens the rapture….and sometimes the rupture.
On May 20th, 2011 at 9:35 am Caroline Says:
I fucking HATE that damn duck! Is he encouraging children to speak with a fucking LISP?
On May 21st, 2011 at 9:03 pm Kyddryn Says:
Have you seen the children’s book “Shut the Fuck Up”? I think you’d like it.

Why I thought of that, I couldn’t say…

Also, that duck? WOuld be fried crispy and served with plum sauce of it came anywhere near Casa de Crazy. I cannot bear an affected lisp. I know several people who lisp for reelz, and I don’t approve of doing it to be cute. Bunk.

I feel better now, Thanks.

Shade and Sweetwater,
K (who was grumpy because she didn’t get to have a post-rapture loot-a-thon, dang it)
On May 22nd, 2011 at 3:14 am GingerB Says:
Awww, fuck – I am still here. Guess I’ll have to get that divorce after all.
On May 22nd, 2011 at 8:42 pm Lee Says:
OMFG I am so with you on that motherfucking duck in Wonder Pets. I can’t handle that show without a stiff drink in my hand.

Unfortunately, no apolcalypse = still stuck with the duck.

I try to think of it this way: it could be worse. It could be Barney.