I am absolutely not a baby person. If my kids could come to me via FedEx at about 6-9 months old, I’d be a totally happy camper. This would spare me the life-sucking pregnancy period as well as newborn hell and I’d probably actually be able to shoot sunshine and flowers out of my butthole. At least in my mind.

In that vein, I always felt relieved that no matter how difficult Alex is during the day (read: screamy each time we try to do something out of the house or out of his routine) at least he slept decently at night.

Well, ha ha ha, looks like my ass was hanging out there.

Because starting at the beginning of July, he stopped sleeping a 5-6 hour stretch at night and began waking several extra times during the night. Which sucked ass. And I whined about it. Let’s be clear: 4+ months of constant sleep deprivation = you exist in a constant dream-like state. For example, I was trying to “beep” Alex’s nose the other day, and I kept hitting his cheek by accident. I finally stopped when I nearly missed “beeping” his eye. Needless to say, I try not to drive anymore. I’m dangerous.

So, yeah, instead of reversing his sleep regression, it’s gotten worse. Since Sunday, he has started waking up and having a difficult time getting back to sleep starting at 2 or 3 AM. I have tried using formula, rice cereal, applesauce, baths, tylenol, gas drops, and am soon about to try whiskey (likely for me, not him, but if he likes it…).

To say that I am upset is a gigantic understatement. To say that I am even more exhausted than I ever thought possible is an even bigger understatement. To say that I have seriously considered leaving the baby in his crib alone and running away to a motel is the damn truth.

I don’t know what to do here. The childcare books I have don’t have any good suggestions that I haven’t already tried. His pediatrition told me that “babies sleep when they need to” and couldn’t offer any suggestions. Taking shifts isn’t quite fair, as Daver does have to work every day. My mother comes each morning to watch Alex while I sleep, but 2 extra hours ain’t quite cutting it.

Like anything with children, I know that this too, shall pass, but seriously not soon enough.