Go Ask Aunt Becky
You know it’s going to be a good week, Pranksters, when I have to put a disclaimer up. That said, it’s AUTISM DAY AGAIN!! The only thing I have to say is TRUST ME when I say that I’m not talking about a single one of you. You know that I value every one of your comments and frame them on my walls because they are always well thought-out and respectful. Also: hilarious.
So, before you’re all, ZOMG DOES SHE MEAN ME? Of course I don’t. I have never once been unhappy with a single comment you guys have left on the site ever. Honestly. I always WELCOME your stories and advice because that’s how I roll (this will make more sense once you read the post). If I’m talking about it, I want to hear what you know. Always. Including today.
Dear Aunt Becky,
Am I the only one who is sick of having the same pap thrown at me when the topic of my autistic child is being discussed? Well-intentioned friends and internet moles especially love the ‘Trip to France’ or whatever destination vacation a “normal” child is supposed to take us. I love my child, and I don’t feel like I missed out on a trip to Paris or Sweden or wherever. It’s been a real trip, but all children take us on a trip that sure as shit isn’t where we thought we’d go.
When I was a kid I’d ask my parents where they were going (without their 7 kids) and they’d respond, “Crazy.” I totally get it now that I’m a parent.
I don’t think a special diet will cure my child. In fact, I’m not looking for a cure. I don’t consider my son to be diseased. He has autism. He’s unique. I adore him. He’s funny, serious, frustrating, loving, rewarding, and much more. I don’t think anything I did while pregnant or when he was a baby caused this. Asperger’s runs in both my family and my husband’s family. Heck, if they’d been diagnosing it when we were kids, both my husband and I would qualify, as would my sister, my mother, etc.
Is it ok if I just bear the dirty looks when my son acts a little differently and don’t explain, “oh, he’s autistic?” I’m not excusing his behavior; just explaining, but I get tired of the rest of the conversation about dyes, carbs, hfcs, vaccinations, mercury, etc.
Thanks Aunt Becky!
Mama Lizard
So there was this one time I was out to dinner with my friends – friends I saw maybe once or twice a year – and I happened to make mention that I thought I might be lactose intolerant (spoiler alert! I’M NOT).
Well, there was a girl who was at the table behind us who overheard this conversation and decided to join in. She was lactose intolerant, you see, and milk gave her the squirts, and also she had a cat and a book and liked the color red and she spent the entire hour that we’d planned for dinner telling us about her lactose allergy.
I waited for her to shut up so that maybe I could sneak in that appropriate, “gee, thanks for the info, please shut your whore mouth and let me visit with my friends who I never see, and not you and PS you smell like mothballs,” but I couldn’t. Maybe I should have interrupted her rousing discussion of her fucking colon to tell her to take her squirty pooper somewhere else, but I was afraid she’d shiv me with her butter knife. She had shifty eyes.
I got this a lot before I learned a valuable lesson: shut your OWN whore mouth.
(Also: thar be crazies afoot!)
Alas, I digress.
When you have a common complaint like autism or migraines or a squirty pooper, the general knuckle-dragging, Mole Rat population tends to know a bit about it. Or at least, the sensationalized news bites that we’re bombarded with every freaking second.
So when you say something like, “My kid has autism,” sometimes people misinterpret that as, “Please, tell me all about the latest bullshit you heard from some non-medical Internet email forward!” Or, perhaps, “Please repeat what you saw when Jenny Fucking McCarthy went on Oprah and spewed her crap pseudoscience all over the place! I’d love to hear that soundbite!”
I like to imagine that people mean well, I really do, but that’s because it’s been a long time since my kid got diagnosed with autism and I’ve learned to tune out the bullshit. My son is not his diagnosis. People, in the heart of hearts, are good. Sometimes, they just don’t understand that you don’t want to hear it because you’re in the checkout at Target and your son is bathing the floor with his tongue and REALLY? A new diet? You don’t say?! That’s fucking great. Do I look like I give a shit at this moment in time?
I love blogs, but I don’t trust that what I’m reading is always backed by a science I believe in. Illnesses (autism, migraines pooper issues), those tend to be emotional issues for a lot of people. And when emotions get involved, things can get ugly, fast. Hence, the Internet Mole People. I can cite a thousand examples of When Emotions Go Bad on The Internet, but I’ll save that topic for another time, or, I suppose, allow you to fill in in the comments.
If you’ve noticed, I also don’t tend to discuss medical issues on Mah Blog for the very reason you discussed unless I’m ready to, well, discuss it. I don’t do it in real life, either; well, not any more. The image of her creepy colon spewing everywhere was enough to make me shut the hell up.
I figure that people can point and laugh and judge me as a lousy, unfit parent or otherwise loser at life all that they want. So long as I don’t have to hear about mercury in shellfish or how a gluten-free diet will cure all of my woes. It’s not because I don’t believe them, it’s just because I don’t always care.
You and I can stand in the We Are Shitty Parents People Lose At Life Corner together. I’ll bring you a Shut Your Whore Mouth shirt to wear. Hell, I’ll bring enough for ALL of us. WHO’S WITH ME?
————-
So, Pranksters, what say you on the topic?
Are you sure you are only in your early 30s? Over and over again you exhibit uncanny wiseness (omg, wiseness is a word!) and I bow in front of your pink hair and whore mouth.
p.s. Still, uber disappointed when I clicked on the picture and it did not lead me to a nekkid JennyBecasueMySonIsAutisticAllOfASuddenImAnExpertMcCarthy.
Bwahahahahaha! She makes me stabby. And I hope that anyone who searches for her naked can find this post. Jenny Fucking McCarthy deserves a mushroom print for everything she’s done.
Also: I am 30. I had an autistic kid at 20. I’m pretty sure that makes you grow up a bit fast.
Also, also: I am unsure of the wiseness as I just took on Jenny McCarthy, and AUTISM! The topic of TROLLZ everywhere!
I’m with ya!!! I can’t stand it when people turn into friggin’ experts just because their cousin’s girlfriend’s brother’s friend had something that MAY have sounded ALMOST similar to something they read on the interwebz and it reminded them of something they thought you said. They? Need to be punched in the trachea.
Yes. Yes they do. I LIKE to pretend it’s people trying to relate to each other…but sometimes I don’t think it is.
yeah, i think you’re right Aunt Becky… if we don’t want to hear what people have to say on a topic, we’d better learn to shut the hell up. 🙂
Yes. Exactly.
See, I knew there was a weird side-benefit to having a kid born with something nobody’s ever heard of. (Ok. Hardly anybody.)
I’m sharing this link to a friend, who would really like to strangle Jenny McCarthy. Hope you don’t mind.
That’s the beauty of Mimi’s encephalocele, too. I never hear about anyone with it…unless they know a bit about it.
And any enemy of Jenny Fucking McCarthy is a friend of mine.
Can I come stand in the Lose At Life corner, too? Because I’m the mom that doesn’t want to hear about how the roommate of someone’s younger sister had an aunt who once knew some who cured their child of Type 1 diabetes by giving them pomegranate juice twice a day. I also don’t want to hear about someone whose aunt had diabetes but she didn’t have to take shots for it so I was clearly mistreating my child by giving her life saving shots of insulin.
I don’t get it. I would never presume to tell another parent how to manage the treatment of any condition their child might have, so why is everyone else so effing quick to open their whore mouth’s and tell me how to take care of my kid?
Well, I DID hear about that diet with the pomegranate juice!
(I think that stuff tastes like Satan’s ass)
And I like to PRETEND that people are well-meaning. Because if I don’t, I’ll go insane. The diabetes, that’s harder to remember. I’m sorry.
OH, can I put you in touch with someone whose daughter just got diagnosed with The Diabeeetus? (seriously)
Yes, by all means send her my way. I will tell her how to punch in the taco all the people who say things like “I could never give my child shots” and “You gave your kid too much sugar, and that’s why she has diabetes. Because simply telling these asshats to shut their whore mouths is not enough..there must be taco punching!
Too right Aunt B!
Once in a blue moon you might run across a Nobel prize winning scientist with an insight into disease X mostly you run into idiots. Generally well meaning ones but still idiots.
I know a number of well respected physicists. They are my autistic son’s grandparents.
And not ONCE have they attempted to give me a special diet or formula to fix him.
Well meaning idiots can still hurt you. I guess that’s what it boils down to.
What pisses me off is that my kid is not autistic, but when people would find out that he had sensory issues and be really interested in computers, they’d say, “Oh, but that SOUNDS LIKE AUTISM/ADHD/some weird thing with an acronym I’ve never heard of “. And then they would try to diagnose him with X, Y, or Z while standing in line at the store and I’d feel like beating them over the head with a chocolate bar.
So we had him diagnosed at Children’s Hospital and it turns out he has dyspraxia, a motor coordination disorder. Now that he’s 15 they all just think he’s some rotten teenager that’s trying to shoplift something or plotting to do drugs at any second. He’s a great kid but people are freaked out of teens, it’s weird.
However, I have had a few store clerks be super rude. Those people see the royally pissed off Mama Bear side of me, which can be kinda scary. Weird ass advice usually is just ignored or I tell people straight out I’m completely not interested and, like, GO AWAY.
YES! The Armchair Web MD people are terrible. Sometimes, it’s all I can do not to smack them.
I’ve had people be INCREDIBLY rude to us in the past. I flick them off when my kid isn’t looking. Now they can assume my kid is badly behaved because I’m a POS parent.
(it makes ME feel better)
I love this!!! My son was diagnosed when he was 3 and we went through the crap with the diet, etc…But now he’s 7 and functioning just fine in a normal classroom with some speech/OT, but no medical/diet intervention of any kind. He’s super hyper and can drive me crazy with some of his obsessive behaviors, but I don’t want to change him. He’s truly unique. Like Mama Lizard says, I’m pretty sure my ex or I would qualify as being on the spectrum too. I had done a blog post awhile back about the events leading up the diagnosis and was planning on doing the part2 shortly. Mostly to direct people there when they ask me about it, so tired of explaining it. As for Jenny McCarthy, I read the book and I enjoy her humor (so much of what she talked about was my son too) but that’s about it. Nothing but consistent therapy worked for mine, so moving on.
Your son = my son. You = me.
Right on!
Don’t forget pregnancy. I think it maybe gets less notice since you’re not pregnant for very long (relatively speaking) but people in the universe really like to give advice. As the Dad in that situation it was even more weird when people wanted to unload their advice on me for what my wife should do. I mean… really? I don’t plan her meals for her or anything what are you expecting me to do, sneak your healthy brain food that she wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole into her lunches?
I’m so beyond happy that I had my first (autistic) kid early. And now I’m done.
Seriously. The bullshit people have to listen to astounds me.
I’ve perfected the “get the fuck away from me and my kids” look at the store, so I don’t get the people who want to come over by me and talk about their stupid bullshit.
But yeah. Hahahahaha. Pregnancy. SO annoying. And yeah, you should be adding DHA/ARA to her food!
It’s good advice–to shut your whore mouth. I think we could all use a bit of this. I’m worried that, in the past and not on this blog, I may have been guilty of being all, “Oh I read this thing about. . .” vaccinesmercurygluten. . .but I do know that I never did it to try to educate someone who clearly knows a helluva lot more than I do. I think I probably did it to show the other person that it’s an issue I’m interested in and care about. I never offered advice, just tried to open a dialogue. And then I had kids of my own. And everyone’s all you should sleep with him, without him, next to him, never. Breastfeed don’t bottlefeed, cloth not disposable. Solids at 4, 6, 9 months. Now I just shut my whore mouth.
Hahahaha! Brilliant comment.
I had my kid early.
Let me rephrase.
I had my AUTISTIC kid early.
So. Yeah. I got my bowl of shut your whore mouth soup early. Or I’d have had MANY of opinions a long ass time ago.
I, too, have a son who is autistic. And I feel exactly the same way. Also, to every “good samaritan” who threatened to call CPS on me as I attempted to control my kid who was acting out in public in an “wild and eccentric” manner….FUCK YOU. 🙂
I have seriously thought about adding Cee Lo’s “Fuck You” to my cell as a ringtone and setting it so I can zap it off at a button’s press RIGHT IN THEIR DIRECTION.
That’s a brilliant idea.
Aunt Becky,
Thanks for the encouragement on this one. I hate it when I feel like I have to defend my life choices or circumstances I can’t control. It has taken me a long time to let the random comments roll off my back. Most the time they do, but sometimes they don’t. I guess next time I will just think “shut your whore mouth” really hard. That should help:-)
Don’t let anyone fool you: it hurts your feelings. It hurts MY feelings sometimes, too. Sometimes, I have to walk away (from other blogs, not my own, THANK GOD) and take a deep breath.
People are mostly good. People are mostly good intentioned.
And the ones that aren’t can shut their whore mouths.
God bless you Aunt Becky and God bless us all and everyone. Sorry. I’m hung over. Literally this time and not just in my imagination. I’ve mentioned my kiddo dealing with an autoimmune thing that causes her hair to fall out in patches. I hear diets, I hear “my cousin’s wife’s second grade teacher in 1976…” I hear it all, so I can imagine. And you try to not give them the 20-yard-stare, like “No, REALLY, there’s an INTERNET FULL of information about this?!” but it’s hard. I’m going to start making random nonsense comments so that they’ll focus more on the likelihood that I’m drunk. (Again.) And then they’ll taper off and stop asking me if I saw that Montel episode with Sylvia Browne and what my spirit animal might have to say about this shit. My guess? Feed me! I’m fucking hungry.
I couldn’t have said it better if I tried. AMEN. I hate when people try to offer their advice on my children. Especially on my daughter with Aspergers, and I too wonder if I fit the bill at times but hey whatever. She’s mine I love her shut your whore mouth. I don’t want her to change who she is.
And once I even got told I don’t take parenting seriously because I just don’t want to listen to people and their BS. So I am going to fail the parenting test later in life OH WELL!!
Kristin – I’m so with you – Love the comment about you not taking parenting seriously! People have NO idea, hey I’ll admit I have NO idea – It’s like being on a water log… sometimes your on top of it and sometimes your under the water! That’s why I love this blog – we all unite and tell the rest of them to go to hell!
Hang on just a cotton’ pickin’ minute here – are you saying that not everything that is posted on the Internets is true? Are you sure about that? Because I read on the Internet that …
The Internet = always true. The End.
BLESS you for saying this! I thought for one second that I might have written your response in my sleep, our thoughts are so similar.
I think you should move to my town so we can start the takeover.
I am with you particularly hard on one point – WHY DO YOU THINK I WANT TO CHANGE MY KID? There have been times I have been sorely tempted – and it’s only because I know Karma is a bigger bitch than I am – when someone, someone I don’t even KNOW, offers me “advice” on how to “cure” my kid, to respond with a hearty “Thank You!” and then offer THEM advice on how to fix their hair crinkling halitosis or clear up their facial scales or lose, oh, I dunno, FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS, or deal with their own whining, snotty, heel drumming little shitters.
Seriously people, MYOFB already.
Hmmmmm, maybe you are on to something with that whole “emotion” thing…..
You know, we could just offer them the 5 million pounds in exchange for their bank account numbers that I keep winning from the Nigerian lottery. Since The Internet is always TRUE! And they are providing such an invaluable service!
I like the comment from Darktouch – I got advice when I was engaged about the wedding, I got advice when I was preggy (both times, cuz you know, my kids are 2 yr apart so OBVIOUSLY I forgot), and I get strangers advising me on my children all. the. time. My issue is that I feel guilty b/c often, I shut my mouth and don’t defend my children, or agree with the stranger to get THEM to stop the lecture. Guilt is a terrible thing, and often anger in disguise I realize now, as I am angry that these folks who know NOTHING about me are telling me how to do it. But I try to believe they think they are being nice, not rude. I can’t imagine a world where nobody has input on something. Ahh the old days, where folks minded their own business instead of Tattle Tale Town (as my kids dubbed it!)
Amen sister.
Aunt Becky, you’ve taken the words right out of my mouth… and I think I peed a little when I read “Target checkout / son licking the floor”. I have a son, and yes, it sucks sometimes that he has Autism, but I wouldn’t change him now for anything in the world. Those that don’t like it can kiss my ass.
Precisely.
And THANKFULLY, he doesn’t lick the floor anymore. He’s older. But he might want to.
There must be some psychological explanation for why people do that, I just don’t know what it is. I’ve gradually learned to keep my mouth shut, regardless of whatever research I’ve read in various journals and what not, but it was hard. Invariably, I would incorrectly match the subject to the listener. I would rail against Jenny McCarthy only to find out moments later that the person I was speaking to thinks she’s the messiah of autism. And that’s an argument just not worth having anymore.
So it’s taken time, but my response now when a parent tells me their child has an ASD is “That must be difficult for you sometimes.” And then I just shut up and listen to whatever, if anything, they feel like sharing.
Yes. That’s precisely how to handle it. Or how I do, at least.
Hell, I’m nervous to have this out there on The Internet. Because inevitably, someone is going to find me (someone I adore) and be hurt by what I said here. I’ll live. But still.
i agree with you that people let their emotions get involved online. I don’t know anything about autism, as I have never known anyone to have it, so I can’t comment on how much bullshit Jenny spews, but I never trust anything a celebrity says. They will do anything for money. Love you aunt becky!
It’s really EASY to get the emotions up and all that. Jenny meant well, I think, but she’s caused a lot of damage. And Oprah never had the guy who RETRACTED the autism is caused by vaccines on her show. Which, UM, HI! DO IT.
Loves you too.
My kiddo isn’t autistic. She doesn’t have sensory issues. But? She is VERY busy. She is 5 years old and likes constant movement. She has since she was IN THE WOMB. She is doing quite well in kindergarten thankyouverymuch and is able to pay attention.
Just because she wants to be doing something all the time? Does not mean she has ADHD. Or “blood sugar issues.” Or anything else wrong with her.
She doesn’t play the DSi I got her for Christmas but plays with the books that came with the games for two and a half hours. She uses her imagination to play with everything and ANYTHING. This does not make her anything but who she is.
So shut your whore mouth and please stop asking me if I have had her tested for anything. She is 5. She is fun. She has an excellent imagination. She is smart. Smarter than her mother most times. She has the vocabulary of a 15 year old. Her teacher thinks she fucking rocks and is the most caring child she has ever seen. Just because she is not a zombie at television, the computer or video games does not mean she is “abnormal.”
That was fun to get out. Thanks Aunt Becky.
Bwahahahahahaha!
Well said. Loves it!
People loooove to give me advice! I must look terribly incompetent and needy…
I’m good at saying “excuse me, I’m gassy”, and waking away.
I almost wish I had people coming up giving me random advice so I could try that!
I really think you should, um. DAMMIT. Now I want to do something to spark your ire!
Wait, I know! Tell me about how your Uncle’s neighbour’s dogwalker’s first cousin stopped trying fertility treatments and got pregnant right away.
People loooove to give me advice! I must look terribly incompetent and needy…
I’m good at saying “excuse me, I’m gassy”, and waking away.
I have perfected the “Fuck You stare.”
But gassy? WIN! I love you.
Gawd, I detest it when people at Target give me parenting advice. Or at the grocery store. Or LOFT. Or at the jumpy house place. Or ANYWHERE. MYO effing B, people. The moment I am trying to contain my two year old’s epic meltdown while my four year old is beggin for Pez is NOT the time to tell me about your child-rearing theories. Especially when you’re the overly peppy Target cashier who does not have kids. And Despite What You May Think, your six cats don’t count. AT ALL.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
And, as my friend Dot on FB said, telling me your friend DIED of whatever my kid has, that’s NOT HELPING.
I’ll take one of those shirts! That’d be excellent.
Great post. It is so true. I think that people just like to hear themselves talk sometimes and the rest of us who don’t give a crap get stuck in that crossfire.
I agree with that. Entirely. I’ll bring you a shirt. We’ll form quite an AWESOME corner.
Well-meaning idiots are everywhere, and Jenny McCarthy is their poster child. I feel for her, I really do. She’s desperate to affix blame on something for her child’s diagnosis. She cannot, or will not, admit sometimes there is no one or nothing to blame. It is what it is.
So, yeah, she should shut her whore mouth.
She can totally shut her whore mouth about it. I appreciate that she’s doing work for autism awareness. That’s AWESOME.
But. Um. Just. No.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Becky, JD and others. JD said: Commented on this – how could I not? @mommywantsvodka: I took on Jenny McCarthy + autism today: http://j.mp/gIMFMC […]
You are just so awesome. That is all. Except I thought you were going to tell us that squished girl herself had autism.
You are just so awesome. That is all. Except I thought you were going to tell us that squished girl herself had autism.
SO perfect. Most people just need to shut the fuck up about other people’s kids.
Hmm, let’s see… I had a c section, didn’t breastfeed, and I work outside the home so of course my little one has to be broken somehow. That’s the bullshit I get. I got pregnancy, birth, and infancy wrong.
My daughter is lovely, funny, sweet, and just fine thankyouverymuch!
I’m coming to the corner, who wants cookies?
Liz
Ps <3!
Hmm, let’s see… I had a c section, didn’t breastfeed, and I work outside the home so of course my little one has to be broken somehow. That’s the bullshit I get. I got pregnancy, birth, and infancy wrong.
My daughter is lovely, funny, sweet, and just fine thankyouverymuch!
I’m coming to the corner, who wants cookies?
Liz
Ps <3!
I would hope that people would use blogs as a way of connecting to others with similar issues. My brother is autistic and I really enjoy reading about other people’s experiences with this Syndrome. However, I don’t try and spew psuedoscientific bullcrap their way. There’s too much conflicting information out there, and because it’s a ‘spectrum’ disorder it means that not two individuals with Asperger’s are going to have the same symptoms or respond equally to the same treatment.
Dunno if you saw the soundtrack album on iTunes for the documentary Wretches & Jabberers. It’s about autism and Apple is giving all the proceeds to autism charity.
http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/wretches-jabberers-soundtrack/id413744014
I’m in. Thanks for the tip!
LOVE this post! i could have written the Dear Becky letter myself…& like u, i’ve learned it’s just easier to shut my own whore mouth…i’d prefer to have folks quietly observe my quirky, fun, entertaining son, than hear all that Jenny McCarthy bullshit!
Your kid is cool. My kid is cool. That’s kinda the end of it. Right? RIGHT.
I’m with you Becky! (Can’t quite call you “aunt”, I’m OBVIOUSLY decades older than your sweet self!) While I appreciate that folks give advice a majority of the time out of a genuine interest in being helpful, it amazes me how they discuss things that shouldn’t be discussed outside their home with perfect strangers. When my friends have issues that I (NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL) can’t personally fix, I offer love, encouragement, adult beverages and dinner. That’s all anyone really needs when they are dealing with the crap life deals us.
Exactly. Just. EXACTLY. How about compassion? That’s what anyone who has any issues really wants.
My son has never been diagnosed and never have a complete one for this reason among others. I don’t care what your opinion or take on a situation is unless I ask for it be you a celebrity or “regular” (what is regular?) person. As we all know opinions are like AHoles and everyone not only has them but should keep them to themselves. Unless its on a blog that I choose to read and then well its my own fault because I wanted to read it.
Fist pump. YES! Great answer.
No wonder I woke up in a good mood today. A bunch of people want to junk punch Jenny McCarthy. My daughter is autistic and she 13. I get comments from people with 3 year olds about what I need to do for her and I’m really not nice about it. I usually point out she’s had autism longer then they have been parents. Dirty mouth comments get my wide open whore mouth back.
I don’t even offer advice to other parents on the spectrum. I don’t want them to do it to me so I keep quiet unless asked. At least only 85% of the interwebs is batshit crazy. The rest is the good Aunt Becky crazy.
YES! YES! YESSS!
As the mother of an older kid with autism, I WANT TO FRAME THIS COMMENT!
When Benner was diagnosed, it wasn’t so common. And I tire easily of the parents with small ones with the disorder who “know” so much more than I do. Just. Shut. Up. Already.
Not everyone who has autism is the same.
And parenting a 2-year old with autism is NOT the same. I promise. I wouldn’t presume to tell ANYONE what to expect. Just not to look at your kid and see a diagnosis. Because, um, OBVIOUSLY.
No wonder I woke up in a good mood today. A bunch of people want to junk punch Jenny McCarthy. My daughter is autistic and she 13. I get comments from people with 3 year olds about what I need to do for her and I’m really not nice about it. I usually point out she’s had autism longer then they have been parents. Dirty mouth comments get my wide open whore mouth back.
I don’t even offer advice to other parents on the spectrum. I don’t want them to do it to me so I keep quiet unless asked. At least only 85% of the interwebs is batshit crazy. The rest is the good Aunt Becky crazy.
Hey Aunt Becky! I am seriously flipping out. My computer crashed and burned and i haven’t been on line for a couple of weeks. Now i have a new computer, and you bet your ass the first thing i did was go to MWV…i was so excited, and couldn’t wait to read all that i’ve missed. Here’s the problem—when i click on the ‘comments’ it will only let me write a comment, but i can’t see the comments that others left!! Any thoughts? (sorry i’m too computer stupid to figure it out…)
As far as idiots spewing their ‘helpful advice’…..well of course they are Our society is obsessed with ‘helpful’ books, programs, doctors, movie stars…fuck! How did our grandparents survive without all this help??
Email me with a screenshot and I’ll send it to The Daver.
Thank you Becky. My son was diagnosed about a month ago with autism and he just turned three. I don’t tell people because I get the ‘Really? He doesn’t look/act like it.’ Now how the hell do you know what an autistic kid looks or acts like? I guess people with IBS look and act a certain way too. Just like Mama Lizard, I don’t feel like I have missed out on anything. All I ask is be patient with him; he’s not that different from other kids. Even though he doesn’t talk much at all, he can let you know what he wants.
Those are the worst. The people who “know” what your kid is “supposed to do.” Oh. OOOH. Blood boiling.
I’ve gotten the same comments before. I could write volumes on the unhelpful, hurtful things people have said to me.
For a very short window of time, I explained my daughter’s lack of speech to strangers. I stopped. 99% of the times when the situation came up it was because they were trying to engage her in conversation. When she doesn’t answer… I say nothing. They didn’t address me they addressed a 3 1/2 year old child.
After she looks at them either with a smile or a look of annoyance, they make their own conclusions, as to why she didn’t answer, and say “You must be shy” or “You must know not to talk to strangers”.
Good for you. Sometimes, it’s just not worth it. Explaining it is just…it’s more trouble than it’s worth.
As you and Karen (submommy) pointed out, this makes me kinda glad to have a kid with something so rare that it shuts people up.
And Jenny McCarthy needs a good beating for all the misinformation she spreads.
She’s on Twitter and I’ve resisted the urge to nut-punch her there. But only so far. I’ll keep you posted.
As you and Karen (submommy) pointed out, this makes me kinda glad to have a kid with something so rare that it shuts people up.
And Jenny McCarthy needs a good beating for all the misinformation she spreads.
“And I like to PRETEND that people are well-meaning. Because if I don’t, I’ll go insane.”
Fuck yeah!
Every umpteenth time I get the “Do you have kids?” question, I answer truthfully and let them know my son was stillborn and that I – indeed – became a mom at one point in time. And when they give me the youcangetanotherbaby or timewillhealeverything line, I just want to jump in their face (with my arse first). I try to believe it’s helplessness or well-meaning that makes them spit out such bullshit. If I don’t, I’ll go insane…
Love your shirts… perfect place to produce my dead-baby-mom statement-shirt collection and get stinking rich… 🙂
The image of you punching people in the face with your ass has made my day. Thank you.
I was thinking about what you said (I was in the car when I read your comment) and even the most well-meaning of people can hurt your feelings. Maybe it’s time we actually say so.
Aww, Mizz Aunt Becky…
I was once rather sternly lectured for simply mentioning that I was giving due consideration to immunizations. Oy. Neither Autism nor Aspergers runs in my family, but I had other reasons for questioning the necessity. You would have thought I’d told the person in question that I intended to inject the kid with the Autism bug or something!
By the way, I know fuck all about Autism, so yeah, I won’t be offering a cure any tome soon.
As an aside…I’m mentally ill. Not in a frighteningly dangerous way, more in a delightfull dinghy and occasionally amusing way…and we get much the same sort of reception/respose when people find out. Oy. Take this, do that, why don’t you just…? Ugh.
In the immortal words of Popeye…I yam what I yam, and that’s all that I yam. Get the fuck over it or go the fuck away, but quit trying to arrange MY paradigm to suit YOU, or assuming that I just don’t WANT to be “well”. Thank you.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
There is a Give Your Kid Autism Vaccine, right?
I would rather junk punch Oprah for giving Jenny a forum and NOT giving the scientists a forum. She has been proven wrong, but the Oprah watchers dont know it.
Ain’t THAT the gospel? We should petition her. Oprah, that is. It won’t happen because people like sensation, not facts, but you know.
I’m with you both.
My daughter had eczema and the doctor told me to wait until her four month visit to put the hydro-cortizone cream on it because it thins your skin. So, for two EFFFFFing months all I heard was “Oh that’s a heat rash” “You should take her to the pediatric dermatologist.” And don’t EVEN get me started on the thumb sucking! While I don’t know much about autism, I can relate to all the whore-mouths who think they know everything about your child, when they probably don’t even know what’s going on in their own child’s life. (I can think of one example. ) :0)
Bwahahahaha!
Well, *I* had eczema as a baby, therefore…HAHAHAHA. I’m kidding.
I just wanna say you are awesome! I love the idea of not inviting the annoying conversation and opinions of others by not bringing it up yourself. Reading your blog just kinda made me think of people who think their opinions are FACT. I wish that those people would learn that not everyone wants to hear them speak.
I dated someone whose words were gospel.
I’m not dating him anymore, OBVIOUSLY. Thank God.
I feel the same way, my son is bipolar and I have learned that as much as I would like people to understand they wont so why bother to explain??
I feel the same way, my son is bipolar and I have learned that as much as I would like people to understand they wont so why bother to explain??
What gets me is when I share the name of (just one or ALL) any diagnosis that Joey has and the person I’m talking with acts like they know all about it. I feel like asking some quesitons to put that person on the spot because who in this world has heard of LE Valgus? Sphenoid Wing Dysplasia? Psuedoarthrosis? Plexiform neurofibroma? Neurofibromatosis? Most DOCTORS have no idea what that crap is. Sure lady at Wal-Mart missing teeth….you know all about it.
I only know what one of those diagnoses are. And even then, it’s fuzzy. I can GUESS what they are based on their names, but really, um, I don’t know much.
But one time, I read this internet forward and it told me ALL ABOUT…
(I kid, I kid)
Most definetly very well said. I have had my ‘squirty pooper’ conversations with people. I have been on both sides of that conversation. I know everything of course so I felt it necessary to share my knowledge. But I finally had that moment – when someone was telling me how to fix my daughters seizures that I realized I needed to shut my mouth just as much as these idiots needed to shut theirs! I do say idiots … just as I was. No one medical condition whether it is diagnosed as the same thing or not is the same. Each & every person is different. For shit sake lettuce of all things set my ‘squirty pooper’ off … that is not the typical trigger for such a horrid issue. But more than that I realized it was my ex-husband who triggered my problem more than food itself. Ok that part wasn’t necessary to add to this comment … but I like the fact that my pooper isn’t so squirty anymore. My child does still have seizures … and yes I know of all the homemade, doctormade, whateverthehellmade things I should do …. I too don’t give a shit so don’t tell me about it. I know my daughter & what works for us – so go suck an egg!
I know someone with seizures! Wait, my dog had a seizure once! That means I AM AN AUTHORITY! So, let me tell you ALL ABOUT IT!
my lovely Aunt Becky, you’re so right. this is one of the perils of our world. people think they’re well-intentioned and they also think they know everything.
I happen to be highly allergic to soy. if I had a penny for every time someone said, “oh me too! but I can have it sometimes. it’s good for you” no, you cow, a food allergy means you get very ill when you eat said food. but I think the thing is that people want to be connected so they find whatever it is and jump on it. well I’m here to say those freaks give the rest of us a bad name.
or, for instance, my cat is dying of a vaccine-associated sarcoma. I did find lots of resources about it on the internet, but I also found every know-it-all who had to tell me what was the best way to treat my damn cat. guess what? it’s my cat. my family. I choose.
lastly, I used to teach swimming to mentally disabled kids. it was one of the single-most rewarding jobs of my life. but each child was different in their own joyous way. would their parents have traded their disabilities for an “easier” child? I don’t think so, because their personalities were wrapped up in that package.
so I don’t think you should have to explain your child to anyone. and I don’t think it’s any of their damn business.
*gets down off soap box*
*nods*
Yep. Just that. And I’m sorry about your cat. I love you for your answer and you shouldn’t have to defend ANY of your choices to people who do not know you.
Difficult to judge how quietly one needs to conduct a private conversation before it’s clear to people at neighboring tables that the conversation is, indeed, PRIVATE. I like Miss Manners’ response of, “Thank you. How very kind of you to take such an avid interest in something that is not, after all, any of your business.” [snork]
Oh now, THAT is perfect! I love it!
I’m gonna write that on my hand in permanent ink. No wait! I’m an ink-o-phobe (don’t like ink on my skin) … guess I’ll have to get it put on a t-shirt. (With snork on my back.)
Wow. I get offering up home remedies for a cold, I do it, but Autism? I can’t believe people are so ignorant! I would assume that any mother of a child with any genetic difference or chronic conditions would know a hell of a lot more about it than I do. Do they think they’re the first person to ever offer you advice or “information”? And I really appreciate when you say your son is not diseased. I think we’re so obsessed with the idea that we should be able to “fix” everything, that we forget that all those “different” people have as much (and sometimes more) to contribute as the “normal” people.
I’ve had similar experiences with my depression. When I first told some of my friends that I was going on antidepressants they would get all concerned about me going on the drugs, one even said she thought I’d do better to embrace Jesus. All I could think was, once you’ve been so depressed that you can’t make eye contact with people without bursting into tears then you can tell me what you think of my treatment choices. Until then, shut your whore mouth.
I have one son with Asperger’s, one with depression & anxiety issues and one with a growth hormone deficiency. So yeah, I’ve had my share of ass-vice from people. All three are on medication because it is working for them. A change in diet isn’t going to make my son’s extreme rage better, the medication does. Homeopathic medicine isn’t going to make my kid grow, his medication does. And Jenny McCarthy – I don’t even have words. She makes me want to vomit. I’m totally going to be thinking “shut your whore mouth” next time some asshole gets in my face about my kids… 🙂
So you’re saying that I can’t chant and meditate and cure my broken leg? WELL SHITBALLS.
(I love you)(don’t shoot me)(I was teasing)
And that’s exactly it. It’s hard to listen to the bullshit. SO hard.
Aunt Becky and the Pranksters collectively – do any of you read Katy who blogs at http://birdonthestreet.com/? She just ran a post http://birdonthestreet.com/2011/01/bucking-the-stereotype/) and got a lot of supportive comments on a similar theme – saying “I’m sorry” to the parent of a special needs child, or people telling you if you do everything right in your pregnancy then you’ll get a good outcome. Or expectant moms who say “as long as its healthy” when asked if they hope for a boy or a girl, No one should ever imply that an unhealthy child is not worthy of being wanted.
The experience of dealing with all the challenges for any special needs child may be shitty as hell, but the child herself is not regrettable, even if some of what life deals her is indeed an ass kicker.
We all need to learn how to distinguish between the child and the condition to be able to stop saying these patronizing, marginalizing, hurtful whore mouth things. One day when I stop saying I’ll put something up on Band Back Together and actually do it, maybe I’ll start with this . . .
One of my kids has aspergers and the other schizophrenia. (What the hell was I thinking when I procreated?) Their lives are and will be tough. I wouldn’t trade either of them for anything in the world…
You’re not going to stop them — they come out like hives! It doesn’t matter what you do, some people always seem to think that you haven’t a clue about what’s going on in your life and they were sent into that time and space to tell you how to make everything right. (Just ask them for a strand of hair for a potion you’re making, and they’ll go away!)
oh hell yes. count me in this line business; i’m super good at looking all put out. my son can build us lego crime scenes to interpret to help us all pass the time! fuck yes
Dude. Your son is AWESOME. That is all.
I think it’s rather akin to me mentioning the stillbirth of my son. This tends to either get the “I’m soooo soooorrrryyyy” (either through pity or horror at the fact I have the audacity to mention such a topic in public either way I hate hearing it).
The other reaction is to hear all about how “I know exactly how you feel I had a miscarriage too. I was 5 weeks pregnant and it was just the worst thing imaginable”*.
And then of course comes the assvice because “you know my neighbour’s mother’s cousin’s former roommate had LOTS of miscarriages and she ate loads of pineapple and did the hula and then she had a healthy baby. You should do that”
I find it’s far easier to shut my own whore mouth and not invite every man and his dog to offer his opinion.
PS I must get one of those shirts. ANd we can stand in the loser corner together and point and laugh at the “normals”
*I totally get that a miscarriage CAN be the worst thing someone has experienced…but don’t say it’s exactly the same as a full term loss…
WELL! I had a dead cat once. That was OBVIOUSLY the same 🙂
And I can’t imagine the conversations. Or, rather, I can, but I don’t want to. They make me sad.
My kids can whoop your kids. No, seriously, thanks for the discussion.
Thanks for posting this one. I guess my blood was up because I made a generic comment at the eye doctor’s the other day and had my ass handed to me by the doc. He mentioned that his youngest was born with Down’s Syndrome and I said that I loved to work with Down’s kids when I was an SLP. Big Mistake. He went off about how atypical his child was and how you couldn’t assume anything about her just because of the Down’s Syndrome. I did apologize, but it was already out there. He was still really nice to me and all, but I should have kept my Whore Mouth Shut.
I am guilty of telling people about my son’s Aspergers to try to get the judgement off of me. So I reap what I sow on that one. I will now wear my big girl panties and just take it.
Can I join you in the corner now?
Aunt Becky & Pranksternation-
First off, a disclaimer: I am 27 y/o single female. I have no children (2 legged, anyway) nor any nieces nor nephews. I say the following from deep within the land of Blissfully Ignorant Singledom & Dependentlessness. Thank you.
As a rule, I dislike children. Often, I am known to say that I “hate” them. In my experience, they are sticky, smelly, scream-y, and are poorly managed, controlled, medicated, WHATEVER! They are running rampant in my sphere or existence and I am forced to smile beatifically at their self-important, ego-centric statements and actions. This is difficult for me. You see, I’m pretty sure that’s MY JOB!!!
Working in retail, you come across children, and their indulgent (read: ignorant, lazy, blind) parents. It’s hard not to let these individuals ruin me for the (seemingly fewer & fewer) well behaved and truly adorable ankle biters out there. When I do come across such mythical beings, I try and make it a point to tell the parents how much I appreciate their kids, because I do. It’s nice to have a reason NOT to hope 2012 ends up the way the Mayans predicted!
One occasion stands out in my mind, and still brings tears to my eyes when I think of it. It was the holiday season, and I was working at the register in a large bookstore. There was a line of VERY grouchy people, thus making me grouchy. It was almost my lunch break, and the line had FINALLY shortened, when a woman and her son came to my register. I immediately see that she’s going to let him pay and, as he seems to be about 10 or 11, figure this won’t be an issue. Until she starts helping him count the money. After a few moments, it becomes clear that the boy (who, in retrospect, may have been a teenager) has some kind of developmental/learning difficulty (did I do that PC enough? I’m not a doctor! DON’T STONE ME TO DEATH!!). My first instinct? To get super pissy & frustrated, sighing loudly & rolling my eyes to express my displeasure at this GROSS waste of my time.
Until I look at the Mom again. She has a half hopeful, half apologetic look on her face. She’s gotten that reaction before, and is ready to finish the transaction if she thinks it’s coming again. But it occurs to me that she’s not simply humoring her son. She’s trying to help prepare him for a world that will NOT be patient and forgiving, that WILL roll their eyes & sigh dramatically, both from behind the register and behind him in line. In a moment’s glance, I think I see all the heartache she’s already borne for him, and will bear in the future. Because even though she knows he’s a special kid, and the world is blessed to have him, a goodly percentage of the world DOESN’T see it that way. And they’re a**holes. And she knows that. But they run the world, and he son is just going to live in it. So in order to be a good parent, she’s going to do all she can to prepare him for that world.
And all I wanted to do was to give her a hug. And get her address so I could send her candy & flowers & a card every Mother’s Day. Because that? Was an AWESOME Mom. Just like you, Aunt Becky. Thanks for letting me share!
That’s awesome that, despite all of the things going against your day, you looked into somebody’s eyes and met them at exactly where they were. Now I don’t have to wish the whole 2012 thing happens. Thanks!
Oh Aunt Becky and Pranksters! I’m so with you in that corner! My youngest who is now 19 has suffered with severe ADHD and used to throw tantrums and throw shit and call me a bitch many times over again and this activity on occasion happened when we were out shopping or some other public arena. After about 2 years I finally got sick of everyones “advice” when I would try an explain that he was ADHD and he had no impulse control. The unsolitied advice from the pharmacy techs about the amount of medication he was on and have I tried A, B, C or even D, was not really something I wanted to hear as he was hanging on my leg screaming that I was “the worst Mom EVER” – After many years I learned to just not look at anyone and started with phrases back to him like “yep, I AM the worst Mom Ever, and don’t you EVER forget it!” You should of seen the looks then! HA! It was his and my joke – whenever I did that he’d laugh – So the jokes on you people! Keep you fucking comments to yourself. Those of us that live this nightmare and love our kids who have these issues understand. We unite and extend our middle finger to all of those people with there “cures” when they have never stepped in our shoes! Oh of course I learned a long time ago to keep my whore mouth shut. People don’t want to hear what worked for my, they are in their own world and what works for one doesn’t always work for another!
as the parent of a diabetic kid, i too get the “have you tried this” and “wow, you must have done something wrong” bullshit from well meaning idiots. a dia-blogger posted this video, and i think it works well for *any* special needs child – feel free to substitute your kid’s issue for diabetes!
as the parent of a diabetic kid, i too get the “have you tried this” and “wow, you must have done something wrong” bullshit from well meaning idiots. a dia-blogger posted this video, and i think it works well for *any* special needs child – feel free to substitute your kid’s issue for diabetes! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFIVVHQod5o&feature=player_embedded
I have a coworker whose sole joy in life is to track you down, find out your medical ailments, and then fill you in with all of hers, including her special diets and tips to deal with them. I swear to baby jesus, the day she found out I had Crohn’s disease she literally chased me through the hallway while I tried to get to my car, shouting, “I DIDN’T KNOW YOU HAD CROHN’S DISEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
My greatest joy in life is eluding her.
The best advice I ever read was to talk about your child like you’re trying to sell them. You don’t say “My child is a needy, whiny, stubborn little biotch.” Instead, say “I love how goal-oriented she is.” Or, “I love how independent she tries to be!” “I love how close we are, and how much she still wants to be near me.”
So for autistic (or ADD or whatever) kids, instead of making ‘excuses’ (“sorry, he’s autistic”) spin it! “Why yes, he DOES march to the beat of his own drummer, doesn’t he?” “I love the stuff he thinks up to try [like licking floors]! It always keeps me on my toes!” “It’s really neat how focused she can stay on a project!”
All of these things are positive traits in adults, once they learn to hone them and make them more socially presentable (whining and begging are no good, but staying focused, goal-oriented, and being able to helpfully remind people CAN be very good!)
All I have to say is “Amen, Sister”
so I can’t say much on autism as I don’t have any peiople I know well who are diagnosed with it. BUT I have bipolar and oh.my.god. I am ready to shank some bitches who keep telling me bullshit about how I canat be fixed with (insert non-medical treatment here). On the topic of pervasive developmental disorders I have a billiant friend with asbergers and ya he’s a little different at times. But that also makes him one of the top 5 most awesome people ever list, but good lord I made a comment about it once because we are both comfortable in ourselves and our unique difference and I heard for a woman at the next table all about SHIT WE DON’T CARE ABOUT. because honestly we are happy in ourselves and if you need to lecture us, maybe a better conversation would be YOUR issues that forces you to try and tell strangers what to do.
It seems that there are a lot of “experts” out there. Really they should be experts at “shutting the fuck up” and we would like them better. Just sayin. Besides, us kick ass moms are doing a pretty good job ourselves.