Go Ask Aunt Becky
Well, I never thought I’d have a question to ask Aunt Becky, but go figure. Although this may be a novel instead of a question.
Exhibit A – Nice divorced guy, friendly terms with his ex. My age. No apparent mental disorders (other than his last choice of girlfriends). Grown kids. Steady job that he’s been at for years in his chosen career field, doesn’t make a lot of money but it has nice perks. Thinks I’m gorgeous even though he’s seen me in a swimsuit.
Exhibit B – Nice guy. 23 years younger than I am. Single dad of a 18 month old daughter, baby momma is slightly psycho. Excellent work ethic with a good job. On probation for possession. Suffers from depression, anxiety disorder & panic attacks, OCD, bipolar disorder, probable borderline alcoholic. Thinks I’m sexy beyond description even though he’s seen me in flower-print cotton granny panties. Did I mention 23 f’in years younger than I am?
Guess which one I’m dating? Yeah. Exhibit B.
My question, you ask?
Why am I not making the logical, practical choice here?
A is a nice guy and a good friend…so is B. Both say I’m special and treat me like I am (and not the creepy ‘you can’t function without me’ sort of special).
But B makes me weak in the knees. Even better, we can sit in the same room and talk for hours, or not talk and all, and it’s still good.
So, WTF is wrong with me? IS there something wrong with me?
Signed,
Mrs. Robinson.
Well, I WOULD like to know a little bit about you for our files.
Sorry, couldn’t resist, Prankster. So, I’ve got a little bit to say about it, and I’m sure the other Pranksters will, too.
But it sounds like (I cannot believe I am about to type these words) you’re following your heart. And, in my opinion, that’s seldom a bad thing. Love is messy. It’s confusing. It’s fucked up. It has you do things like hitchhike across the country with a knapsack on your shoulder to be with The One, because that’s what you do when you’ve found The One.
Certainly practical Man A would be, well, practical. But life isn’t practical. And practical people are often dull as toast (says the woman who owns 800 Coach purses because you never know when you’re going to need another kicky purse).
I’d say, follow that heart of yours and remember that love isn’t a practical thing you can put in a box, quantify, and file away for later. It just is.
I wish you the best, Prankster.
Here’s to YOU, Mrs. Robinson!
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Dear Aunt Becky,
After 3 years of back-to-back shittastic relationships, I’m single for the first time. It’s great and fine and dandy. I’ve gone on dates with multiple guys and had fun with each of them. I’ve told them that I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now since I’ve been doing that for so long and only ended up getting hurt.
So ANYWAY. I recently went out with a former co-worker for drinks. We both had a great time, got flirtatious, but nothing happened. On Saturday he asked me to come over to his place to hang out. Once again, we had a great time.
This time, I put out. I usually don’t give it out to anybody, but I’ve known this guy for three years.
So now this is my problem: I like him, but there’s an age gap. He’s 39 and I’m 21. He has 3 sons who are 15 years old. How do I make these stupid feelings for him go away? It’s been established that we have a good time when we hang out, so can I keep dating him but leave those stupid feelings out of it?
Please help a poor girl out!
As it turns out, you probably can’t. Leave your feelings out of it, I mean. Since I’ve been doing work with these things called “feelings” myself, I’ve learned that they’re kinda tricky shit.
So I suggest that you sit down and be honest – really honest – with yourself. How will you feel if it turns out you were a booty call? Can you handle dating a guy with kids? Will you be okay if this truly becomes a casual dating thing and not True Love?
Once you know the answer to these, you’re off to a better start. But until then, I’ve recently learned these feeler-thingies can’t be turned off.
Good luck, Prankster.
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Hi Aunt Becky!
I was wondering if you and you kick-ass Band of Merry Pranksters could help me out.
I recently made a new friend who is going through a tough time. She recently went through a divorce to a man who isn’t worth the shit in my toilet. He cheated on her and left her for a woman who was over ten years younger with more children.
It’s just her and her child now and she’s completely heartbroken and devastated. I’m happily married so it’s hard for me to relate. I think she’s a great person and we really get along well, but I don’t know what I can say or do to go above just being a good friend and listener.
So help?
What else can I say to get her going on the right track?
Thank you so much for your help!
All right Pranksters, Your Aunt Becky needs your help with this (and the other two).
I don’t think there’s much you can do to ease her pain, besides letting her talk (and listen like a true friend) and being there for her when she needs you. It’s clear she’s devastated and needs someone to be a friend.
I’d suggest staying away from platitudes and advice, because I know how infuriating it is to hear advice when you’re really just looking to be comforted. There’s nothing you can do to take away her pain – unfortunately – and sometimes the best thing you can do is to be A Friend. Bring her meals, take her out sometimes (DO NOT TRY TO FIX HER UP WITH SOMEONE), arrange for help with the kid.
Because the betrayal of being cheated on, then left to be a single parent is something that only gets better over time. And I cannot imagine how gutted she must be at the moment.
I wish you luck and I’m sending her love and light.
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Pranksters? Any advice? What should these (lovely, talented and drop-dead gorgeous) people do?
Yes, recently I’ve found I’m interested in older, taller girls. Not 10 years older, but maybe two or three is exciting for me.
This comment isn’t related to the post. I usually read your posts in my feed reader. Today I clicked over to look at the comments and was surprised at your choice of font. This font makes reading so very difficult. Why do you use it?
Can you send a screenshot of what you see to becky.harks@gmail.com please and let me know what you’re using to see my blog? Like, Internet Explorer, Firefox, whatever. It looks fine on my end.
Exactly what i wanted to say. Font is horrible and I can’t read it. Which is sad because GAAB is my favorite feature on your blog 🙂
Posted a screen shot on FB for ya!
To Mrs. Robinson: You are most likely following your nose than your heart. Studies show women are drawn to guys who smell right to them as potential breeding partners. I am not kidding. The dude is bad news on all counts, but he is the right age to breed babies with and your brain knows it. Or NOSE it. Ha. To the young woman who put out with the older dude at work, OY. No, you cannot date him and not care about him. You will either have to stop doing that, or risk being hurt. It is unlikely it will work out. To the last lady with the heartbroken friend, I think being a friend, including her in your life, having fun with her and listening to her when she needs it is the best thing you can do for her. Time will heal her heart, probably. Don’t let her wallow, but let her grieve. Be there for her.
I HAVE been where your friend is and believe me, Aunt Becky’s advice is spot-on. There is absolutely NOTHING you can say that will help her get through this. And if you are happily marrried and tell her “You’ll find someone” or some other shit like that? she will nod her head and smile and secretly plot to burn down your house. Be there, and don’t worry if she is fine and strong and happy one day and a mess the next-it takes time. LOTS of time and god friends to just be there.
yeah I have to agree with midlyfemama. And just to add, for Prankster #3 – this situation might be tough, but just being there as a friend is cool. Invite her to parties. Go see movies or get drinks or whatever you do with girlfriends. If her kid is the same age as your kid, let them get together and play while you two hang out. Just because she’s single doesn’t mean she will hit on your husband – which is what i think my married friends think about me. Cuz if that’s not it, I’m not sure why they leave me out and make me feel like I have some kind of communicable disease. I mean, because I know I’m capital F with a UN (FUN). So yeah. Listen, be a shoulder to cry on if needed, but just treat your single friend like a FRIEND.
#3 Just be there to listen, I am a divorced single mom and sometimes it sucks. Take the kid for a couple hours so she can go grocery shopping, I so miss grocery shopping without kids in tow. Little things help a lot. Believe me.
Mrs. Robinson, if you figure it out PLEASE fill me in….I am having troubles here too and none of my friends IRL have been able to help. 🙁
Yeah, Mrs. Robinson isn’t following her heart. She might be following hormones or phermones or something else but there isn’t heart involved. It’s a disaster waiting to happen, imo.
Age doesn’t seem to be very relevant in attraction these days. People take much better care of themselves so that part is pretty understandable. Perhaps Mrs. Robinson, you get a sense of being needed by the younger man? The stable man of your own age doesn’t rely on you and as women we are often taught to tie our importance and value to being needed by someone.
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Feelings are a bitch and regardless of your intent someone always ends up with more feelings than the other. Can you be sure he won’t fall in love with YOU? How will you feel if he decides that he wants to bring you in as step-mom? Three 15 year old boys is a lot of dirty socks.
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Just make sure she knows you’re there if you need her. Listen when she talks and help her understand that her worth is not tied to the actions of a scum bag like her ex husband. There’s nothing more anyone can do to ease someone’s broken heart except to be the best friend you can.
This is for contestant number 2:
Let’s see, 21 years old, coming out of “3 years of shittastic relationships” (beginning at the grand old age of 18), doesn’t usually “put out?” You go out with a guy, put out, and now you’re thinking “love” after a couple of good evenings? Maybe you’re confusing sex for love…
On the other hand? Here’s a guy at 39, dating a 21 year old? Those are very different times in peoples’ lives – the thing I’d wonder? What happens when you are no longer 21, and he’s got his eyes on the next 21 year old? Not to be harsh, but 39 year old men don’t generally date 21 year olds for the emotional and intellectual connection – either he’s in it for the sex, or he’s immature.
Not saying it won’t work out, but be careful and take it slow…
K
New here! But I read number three and felt the urge to comment: I’ve been through a nasty divorce and happened to make friends with an utterly spectacular couple at about the same time and I say get her OUT! It’s really hard to crawl out from under your covers in that situation. Extend invitations to go out for girls night or a movie (no rom coms!) while someone watches the kids. Don’t be offended if she turns you down, just keep making them periodically. My friend told me later “we’d just about given up on you” I’d turned down so many invites, or backed out at the last minute, but eventually I hit a point where I was ready and it was so good to have that invitation there when I was. Other than that- what Aunt Becky said. Having some place to go that felt safe and non-judging to rant and eat something I didn’t cook and drink tea some one else boiled and steeped meant so much at the time.
For what it’s worth as for Contestant A: I’d say do what makes you happy as long as the drama and possible corresponding codependency is not more than you can handle. Be certain that you are not being a crutch for him to lean on, since he does appear to have issues.
Contestant B–You probably have more in common with this man’s teenage sons than with him. From my past experience dating someone when I was 8 he was 25, you are worlds apart. One of the things that keep couples together in the long run is usually what they have in common. Having feelings/sex with someone much older than you isn’t much to fall back on when push comes to shove.
Contestant C–Just hug your friend and tell her you love her. That’ll be enough. Don’ say things like “You’ll be better off w/o him,” even if it’s true. As wrong as he was for her, she still loved him.
Like I said, take it or leave it. Good luck!
Well all I have to say about age differences is that my step dad is a good 20 + years older than my mom and they have been happily married for over 15 years. He has kids that are almost as old as my mom and grand kids that are around my age. If there is a connection then it could work out. I wouldn’t worry about age as much as having interest in common. I am married to a man that is my age but we are now worlds apart in interests. So yeah there is that.
re: your twitter question –
you can read the font pretty well. there are a few letters that are very close to the others and make me squint at them a bit.
it might help if you increased the font size a bit.
or, if you’re looking for an attractive font that isn’t boring and isn’t this one, i’d recommend Georgia. very nice looking, very readable. i use it on my blog.
Regarding situation #3, the advice is all great. i don’t know anything about that sort of thing yet, anyway. My pseudo-Mormon disaster preparedness radar has been set of in one slight area. When you help to arrange for care for the child, be sure you thoroughly know or vet out the person who is providing the child care. The last thing this mom or her kid needs is someone who is unfit in any way coming into contact with him or her, and no one wants it on his or her conscience to be the one that made the arrangements in the event that, God forbid, somwthing goes horribly wrong. If anything, take even more precautions than you would with your own children. I know it sounds paranoid, but better safe than sorry in this instance.
Holy Shit, Mrs Robinson, that dude must have put it to you like nobody’s business. On probation for pssession, and all of the other things that he has going on? Jeez, let him be your booty call, but a deep releationship? Be warned… this guy is an ex-offender and still has a problem with chemical addiction… the odds of his re-offending are outrageously high. Sorry to be so blunt, but I am a lawman and it is what it is. You don’t need whats coming next.
Poor Girl,
Don’t date that guy. Don’t go out with him again. Do you want to be the mother of his almost-as-old-as-you children???? Be single for a while…. you are only 21 for God’s sake.
LAdy number 3,
You are already doing whats best for your friend. Be a good listener, and be there for her…. and include her socially. She sounds like she could use a little “normal”.
MY opinion on these Prankster’s questions:
1st Prankster: While B may be more exciting than A it may not be a good kind of exciting. I’m speaking from personal experience when I say just be careful as far as being involved with someone who has a known problem with alchohol. If that were to turn more toward being an alchoholic vs. borderline alchoholic that could cause LOTS of headache and heartache. However, I wish her the best whatever she chooses.
2nd Prankster: I think she should follow her heart and not worry about the age difference. Since she made it a point to say she just got out of back-toback relationships and was happy, happy, happy at being single along with the question you pointed out for her to ask herself I’d say to also consider…what she’ll do if it DOES turn into a long-term meaningful relationship. Would she regret not “playing the field” a little longer if things progressed into a relationship? Being in a relationship when you’re not ready can be as bad as being in a crappy relationship.
3rd Prankster: While I don’t have anything extra to add to that I have to second and third your suggesstion about making sure she has help with the kid and maybe a few of the more demanding household chores like lawn care, broken faucets, etc….IMO…that is excellent advice because sometimes doing those everyday things when you’re going through a rough time can be overwhelming.
btw…love your blog…it truly is eye of the motherfucking tiger…write on
Mrs. Robinson, please keep in mind that these are NOT the only two men in the world. You don’t have to pick one or the other. To me,, the younger dude sounds like fundamentally flawed bad news. Keep lookin’ …
Mrs. Robinson,
Clearly the obvious choice is to marry A and gather up B for the odd yet extremely rewarding extracurricular affair which could be conveniently scheduled around binges and court dates.