Go Ask Aunt Becky
Dear Aunt Becky,
First let me say I fucking LOVE this place. I see myself in you, but not in the creepy way. As in we have the same personality and I tend to respond to things how you do :). I love ya!
Anyway. I have 3 living children – all girls. I’ve lost two pregnancies in the third trimester. One was eight years ago and one was two months ago. I do not want any more children. But my dreams are filled with being pregnant, hearing babies crying, etc. Even during the day, I hear a baby cry. What do I do? Is this normal? My worldview eight years ago was different and I kind of never dealt with the loss. So I didn’t have to feel the pain, I suppose. And I guess I’m doing that now….
Why am I doing this?
Thanks Aunt Becky,
LW in Misery (Missouri)
First, Prankster, let me tell you how sorry I am for your losses. I have a number of friends who have lost babies and there is nothing more devastating.
I’m no shrink, but two third trimester losses sounds like a hell of a stressful thing to live through, so props to you for surviving. Seriously.
Your last loss was two months ago which means you’re still in the postpartum period, so I’d venture an unprofessional guess that you’re experiencing a bit of postpartum depression AND PTSD WHILE grieving your losses. The nightmares and flashbacks are classic post-traumatic stress disorder and your losses, well, they’re significant.
(I’m linking you there to the resource pages on Band Back Together. I hope they help a bit)
Prankster, I’m going to say this and I don’t want to be preachy or peachy or anything fruit-flavored (purple is a flavor. NOT grape), but I think you should see someone. Just talk to someone. You need to get this grief out because it’s eating you up.
And, because we see a lot of baby loss on the site, maybe you should write your story for Band Back Together. Getting it all out, well, it could help you, or someone else reading.
But please, talk to someone.
Much love to you, Prankster. I wish you nothing but healing and light.
Dear Aunt Becky,
First off, LOVE the blog, and the fact that my mother told me I should read you because you sound like me makes me come to your site every day.
Aaaannnyway, so my ex-dipshit and I have joint custody of our 9 year-old son. Said son is usually with his dad (multitude of reasons, mostly because I’m in school), but with me this summer.
Now, I’m not a hardass, but remember when we were kids and our parents told us to, “Go play in the street,” or some other shit like that?
Well, apparently now it’s “the thing” to sit on your ass all day and hop from gaming system to gaming system, and that’s their exercise. I call BULLSHIT! So when I suggest my son go on a bike ride with me this morning, he threw a hissy fit. I basically had to MAKE him come with me, where the whole time he had a major melt-down and finally when we got home, I sent him to his room to calm the hell down. Well, actually, it was so I could calm down before I had my OWN temper tantrum.
So, after all that rambling there, here is my question: Short of beating your kids our the door with a wooden spoon and locking the door, what the hell do we do with kids these days?
Thanks!
Short-tempered in Minnesota
See, I have a nine (almost ten) year old son too. Did you know what a complete and total motherfucking idiot I am? He does. Did you know how much I suck at life? He does. Did you know how much I fail at breathing properly? He does.
And he’ll motherfucking TELL your ass about it. He tells me constantly, with the eye-rolling and the “you shut your whore mouth, Mom,” attitude.
I think ages nine through twenty-two are a lost cause for our kids. I’d expected to have him not loathe the very oxygen I’m forced to inhale a little longer, but apparently *feet stomp* not.
So just grin and motherfucking bear it. When in doubt, there’s always vodka.
P.S. Lock his whiny ass outside.
Hi Aunt Becky:
I’m wondering if you’ve ever waxed the hair in your nose.
It’s actually pretty painless. And as I approach 39 years, I hate the hair in my nose more and more.
However, my friend recently told me I am risking sending those pesky staph germs that my nose hairs supposedly catch straight up the 3 inches to my brain. Which leads to all kinds of bad shit.
Your thoughts?
Piper
OHHOLYFUCKNO.
I’ve never waxed my nose hairs. I’m actually sitting here with one hand over my nose (a total lie) because that sounds epically painful. Like worse than having to sit through a Celene Dion concert.
Your nose hairs do serve a purpose (some of ours a bushier purpose than others), and that’s to catch germs. Kinda like pubic hair.
But I doubt you’re waxing high enough up there to worry about that. I mean, you’d have to go pretty fucking high.
And I’d have to BE pretty fucking high to do that. If I were that high, I’d probably think listening to Leonard Skynard and eating six soft shell tacos from Taco Bell was a good idea, not pain.
But that’s me.
———–
As always, Pranksters, fill in where I left off in the comments. Because, as my son would gladly tell you, I suck at life and probably should never answer another question again.
Waxing nose hairs? That sounds more than painful. It also sounds difficult. How exactly would one even go about doing such a thing?
Sending hugs to LW in Misery (Missouri) and seconding your idea that she write her story over at BB2G.
And now I want tacos.
LW – I know I’m just a stranger, but I’d love to talk to you if you want to send me an email. I’m no expert, just another mom who has gone through pregnancy loss, but sometimes just getting it out there is worthwhile. So if you need someone to talk to, I’m here, just in case.
To LW, I send big hugs. While I’ve never shared the same loss, I can completely empathize with the confusion you feel when your body and mind send messages to you that you just can’t understand. Follow Aunt Becky’s orders and rest assured… you’ll feel better. Talking is what women are best at! So talk it out 🙂
To Short Tempered, I went through this bit of laziness with my youngest. Eventually I took away all of the gaming systems and the TV. It took about 1 week for him to get over the b*tching and then he went outside. It’s hard when all of their friends seem to be doing the same thing. I do however feel confident now that he’s capable of holding a conversation with friends that doesn’t involve screaming profanity at each other through a headset. My advice would be mix the vodka with cranberry juice and walk his cranky ass to the park. Looks like Mommy Drinks Koolaid and she has her very own sippy cup!
Piper, Wha? Where the hell does one buy waxing stuff for the nose? Too funny.
LW after my youngest was born I constantly heard a baby crying. I thought is was because if he wasn’t sleeping he was crying but when I mentioned it to my doctor he said it was postpartum. I would definitely talk to your doctor. Once I was on meds it stopped and I felt soo much better.
I have a 10 yr old stepson that throws a fit if we make him go outside and play or even just turn off the games/tv. He actually called his mom crying and told her we were being mean to him so she came and picked him up. I don’t get it. The only thing that I could suggest is to try to find other kids his age in your neighborhood. That may motivate him to go out and play rather than sit around. Good Luck!
Dear Short-tempered in Minnesota.
I have raised (and in the process of raising) 2 boys. Just so you know and so you don’t feel alone, children are devil spawn.
I am a big fan of ‘the decision’
here’s how it goes:
kid: being an ass.
me: “I’m going to make a decision.”
kid: “what does that mean?”
me: “you’ll see.”
Kid keeps acting like an ass.
Later, when the kid is with his friends, something embarrassing MUST happen. Some examples would be:
telling his friends that he pees his bed almost every night.
dressing up like a hobo when you pick him up from his friends
explain to his friends that you talked to him about being afraid of the dark. And he cried.
You get my point, and you must be very convincing.
Later he will ask you what the fuck was that all about, and you will tell him “remember the other day when I said I was going to make a decision? Well, that was it.”
It works better if there is some truth to what you are saying.
He will soon come to fear when you say you are going to make a decision and he will bend to your will.
Good Luck.
Tasty
LW, I’m sorry for the losses you’ve experienced. My daughter died when I was 7.5 months pregnant, so I know some of what you might be feeling. Besides sharing on BB2G, you might check out facesofloss.com for some specific babyloss resources. And glowinthewoods.com has a feel similar to here, and talks specifically about pregnancy loss. If you have any questions or want more resources, feel free to contact me: regierdesign(at)gmail.
My mother-in-law lost a baby at 9 months, almost her due date, in 2008. She told me she roamed the house at night looking for the crying baby. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your experience. Please, find SOME kind of help. It won’t make your loss go away, it won’t make the pain go away, but maybe it will help with the shock, the reactions, etc. Love, hugs, and prayers.
Dear LW, I DO hope you find someone to talk to. Dreams and daydreams are one of the ways our minds deal with our experiences. Your brain is telling you it’s not done with your process, yet, and maintaining silence will only lengthen the time it takes to heal. The only miscarriage I had was just a few weeks in when I wasn’t even sure I was pregnant…and it still sucked donkey balls. I kept quiet about it and wish I hadn’t.
Short Tempered, I feel ya – my eight-year-old has an attitude the size of Wisconsin and he’s not afraid to use it. His father, my ex, thinks quality visitation time ( I am custodial parent) means either the local amusement park and all the candy and crap food he can eat, or the movie theater and all the popcorn and crap food he can eat, or video games and pizza and all the crap food he can eat. There’s very little by way of motion in their time together. Lucky for me, my kid likes being outside…and some kids moved in next door so he has people to play with who aren’t me. In the past, I had a rule that he had to spend a minimum of ten minutes for every year old he was outside, no coming back in unless he had to potty or was broken, bleeding, or in flames. If you like, I could send you a photo of my fifty-acre, jeans-clad ass and you could show him what happens when you sit and play video games all day long. No, no, don’t thank me, it’s my pleasure to provide a public service!
Piper…ow, ow, owie, ouch! My nostrils cringed! Also, all I could think of was…what happens when you get an ingrown hair? I dont even defuzz my getaway sticks or de-Muppet my pits if I am not being held at gunpoint (TMI? It’s true, though…but I’m not awfully hirsuit, and I’m lazy, and since I won’t wear shorts in public and would rather die a horrible death than expose my flabby upper arms to the world, no one notices)…I can’t imagine what a nose-hair removal would be like. I’m all for lettting one’s body do what it’s going to do and telling the world to fuck itself if it can’t handle the truth. Society is SUCH a bitch!
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
How do you wax IN your nose? Are you talking about your stache? I get that waxed, and while it only lasts a few seconds it HURTS!
Whoa, can anyone else see my picture on this post? The link on the Gallery of Awesome Shirts takes me back to Mommy Wants Vodka and whoa, your blog is freaking out!
For LW: I would second seeking out a professional to talk with. You shouldn’t have to go through the pain without having someone who can see outside of the situation to support you.
For ST: I would sell the game systems. You’re the parent. He either agrees to a balanced schedule of activity and game time or the games go. He’ll get over it.
For Piper: Have you considered using a hair trimmer vs. waxing? It keeps the hair from being visable and doesn’t cause any damage.
When that snotty little 9 year old pisses you off, ground him from anything with a screen. They whine a bit at first, but then they begin to play in their rooms, and outside, etc. It might also be nice to let him have a friend over. It’s sort of like weening from the bottle. It’s very unpleasant at first, but they begin to adjust.
LW – Losing a baby turns your life and your brain and your heart upside down. For me I think it took roughly a year before I stopped thinking about it all the time, before I finally found myself smiling at the radio and looking forward to Friday night and feeling normal again. Not that I’m ever “normal” – it’s a new normal. For you, given that you had a loss 8 years ago that you say you never really dealt with, I’m sure it’s just opened the emotional floodgates. I agree with previous posters saying you need someone to talk to. I don’t care if it’s your best friend, a support group on the internet, a support group in person (here is a list of SHARE support groups in Missouri: http://www.nationalshare.org/MO.html). See a therapist. Or do all of the above. I swear I breathed grief and loss for a long while. It was all I thought about, all I talked about, all I really cared about. Oh I had a job and I would participate in conversations and all the rest, but every 10 seconds I would think about how my son wasn’t here, was that customer pregnant, how will I deal with it when my friend announces her pregnancy, etc etc. The friends I kept close understood that.
Grieving is a hard process – very hard, physically exhausting. You’ll feel better and then you’ll feel worse again. But slowly over time you’ll start to feel better in general. One day it won’t hurt so much. I promise.
LW – Thank you for sharing the story of your losses. By sharing you’re helping yourself by getting it all out of your head and into the open and others who may be suffering from the same thing. I lost a baby at 10 weeks when I was 22. I had dreams that I vividly remember to this day. I’m with Aunt Becky, please talk to someone. It will help. Big hugs my dear. It does get better.
ST – Take it all away. My Sister in Law takes the power cords to work with her when her boys are grounded from the systems. (And Aunt Becky, your comment, “So just grin and motherfucking bear it. When in doubt, there’s always vodka. P.S. Lock his whiny ass outside.” Nearly covered my monitor in coffee. I should be prepared when I read your responses but you ALWAYS get me!
Piper – you are a braver woman than I.
Parental Control Settings FTW!
I’ve set our XBox360 to not allow anyone to do ANYTHING without the password before supper. And my children are 6 and not-quite-4. I’m mean like that though. If you’re not console-savvy, google instructions for how to set parental controls on your particular console.
OR just take all the cords and hide them. Whichever.
Wait. Did some chick just say that she could see herself in you? As a guy, I can’t even begin to explain to you how cool I think t that is. If it ever happens, will we be able to buy the video in the store? Will there be any utterance to the phrase, “Shut your whore mouth?” God I hope so.