Dear Aunt Becky,

what is the name of the tool you use that allows you to see what people are googling to find you…or something like that but I’m sure you know what I mean! 🙂

Well, Prankster, I’m not sure if you mean finding you personally or finding your blog, because as far as I know, those are two different answers. I’ve seen websites that boast that you can “find out who is searching for you” (I assume by your name) but from a purely practical standpoint, I do not know how. Do you know how HARD it is to track down a troll just to make sure they’re not sitting in the house next to yours?

Well, it is.

I assume you can only find out who is searching for you personally by their IP address and if it works, well, you Pranksters will have to let me know.

If you meant, “how do I know what people are using to find my blog,” the short answer is that I don’t care to know. Most of the search terms that get people hear are variations of my blog name or “boring things” and the things I ignore are those which are so disgusting and depraved that I will not repeat them.

I happen to use a program called awstats to measure the site stats. With that comes a search term analyzer. It, if I hadn’t blocked all but the top five search terms, would tell me what people use to find my blog. There are other programs like Google Analytics around to help you find what people use to find you. Although, if you talk dirty like me, you may never, ever want to know.

Did I answer your question, Prankster?

—————–

Dear Aunt Becky,

I had no idea you did an advice column.  That is what I am trying to start a career doing as well.  Any advice?  Is there a network for us advice bloggers out there?

I think I might use the term “advice” rather loosely in this case, but yes, what started out as a joke turned into a weekly advice column. I even spoke about it with the Mouthy Housewives at Blogher10 this year.

I’ve never found a network for advice bloggers, although I do imagine one exists out there. The beauty – and drawback – of the internet is that there really IS something for everyone.

As for advice on starting your own column, my best advice is to try and make sure that your commenters don’t rip the asker to shreds. I happen to have the best audience on the internet *waves* HI PRANKSTERS! and it’s rare that I have to stop anyone from going after someone else, but it has happened.

The mob mentality that happens once a blogger takes issue with another isn’t helpful to anyone anyway, and once there’s blood in the water, it’s like everyone wants to start getting in on the act (well I’M OFFENDED BECAUSE YOU…) I feel that when I answer a question on my site, it’s almost like a mini-guest post and they deserve respect since they cannot come behind the scenes and delete any inflammatory comments themselves.

Other than that, I wish you the best of luck, Prankster. Email me if you have any other questions.

——————

I wanted to let you know that you can, in fact, advertise here now. I put together an incredibly dull page on the whole thing if you are interested. All are welcome (although I figure it’s mostly bloggers who will want the space). The page I’m directing you, I warn you, it’s beyond dull if you’re not into that sort of thing.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I’ve got a bit of an issue. I hate my family. But at the same time, I cannot help but love them. My wife becomes extremely exasperated at their antics, into which they continually drag me. As my wife put it to me recently, I go through cycles. I’ll be in a phase where I’ll gladly hang out with them and socialize and whatnot, until I realize once again what fuckwads they are, and I’ll have nothing to do with them for another month, until shenanigans begin once more.

In addition to continually getting caught up in the drama, I find myself becoming increasingly frustrated at the way they live. I’m frustrated that my brothers take advantage of my mother, that my mother cannot get her finances straight to save her life, that my other brother cannot save his own relationship/finances/family, that my step father will not fix his health issues (which are of the sort which could be fixed with some effort). I guess I somehow feel as though I dragged myself out of the hole from which I came, why can’t they?

My question is thus twofold. How do I find a happy medium in my association with my family, and how do I accept that they are who they are and if they want to change they’ll call it into existence without my help or agitation?

Mystern

On the one hand, Prankster Mystern, I want desperately to be tragically glib in my answer here, and say something about creating a Pavlovian response to punch yourself in the face every time you feel as though you need to change your family from being the fuckwads they are into the more responsible people the can be.

On the much less medicated other, I think most of us can deeply sympathize with quandary. I don’t know a single one of us who doesn’t have at least one family member or close friend who doesn’t make the sorts of decisions that make us want to stab ourselves in the face with dull pencils.

But as the child of addicts, I can tell you (seriously) this: you cannot accept responsibility for other people.

So that’s my honest suggestion to every single one of you, my darling Pranksters, (and something I should tattoo on myself): your only responsibility is to yourself. The very moment you begin feeling as though you are frustrated with their behavior, you need to take a step back and assess. Can you continue contact without driving yourself to drink heavily? Is this a relationship that has merits?

And if the answer is “I don’t fucking know, Aunt Becky, shut your whore mouth,” come and sit next to me, because I think that’s how we all feel most of the time.

Family, man. Family.

(There’s a reason I adopted the Internet.)

Dear Aunt Becky,

I wrote to you about a crush in the past, I thought it was crazy, It kinda of turned into a bootie call.. though I will clarify been friends for a time prior, so maybe it means friends with benefits..

So I am confused, I know he doesn’t want a relationship (a committed one anyways) he is very honest and open, I totally appreciate this.. But here is my confusion. What went from just sex, he now calls making love.. I don’t understand… anyway, I love this guy dearly he is like my best friend, I was afraid to lose this friendship.. I wanna know should I tell him I wanna back off on the sex a bit? It’s phenomenal.. I have never had a g-spot orgasm until I met him; never mind the mind blowing regular O’s I get.. It’s like we were make for each other sexually… I think I am okay with my feelings making sure I don’t fall for him.. But I wanna fall in love with a man who wants to be with me..not just a guy who will have sex with me as I am (i am overweight and it doesn’t bother him)

I am afraid I am damaged..because I haven’t fallen for this guy, I think my past relationship (baby daddy) ruined me.

I am sorry this is confusing huh? should I end the sex and move on.. but hopefully keep the friendship? because losing the friendship would break my heart.. or should I just keep have mind blowing sex with him until i find someone to love?

Prankster, I don’t think you’re damaged for not falling for this guy, I think you’re protecting your heart. It sounds as though he’s made it clear that while you guys can have steamy sex (which sounds fabulous, by the by), he’s not interested in dating you. And you know you want more than that. Which says a lot about you.

I sort of want to dance around the room singing some sort of Prince song (Pussy Control, perhaps?) with you because I love you for it. You deserve BOTH a guy who can make your vagina do the tango AND make your heart flippity-flop in your chest. Don’t forget it.

Now, as far as your current situation, maybe it’s time to sit down and see what’s what. If you don’t want to lose the friendship you have, it sounds like you guys need to have A Talk and figure out where the other stands (he’s sending out some wicked mixed messages). Otherwise, it’s going to be hella awkward when one of you meets someone that you do want to settle down with.

Prankster, please remember being overweight is NOT a reason not to have someone want to have The Sex with you. Don’t sell yourself short! And can I say that I heart you? Because I do. xo.

Dear Pranksters,

Do you remember this post? I do. Well, we got a response from the asker in the comments of the post. I’ll paste it below:

Thank you all so much for your support, and thanks Aunt Becky for the links and info.

I did leave!

After he threatened to kill me if I left him, then told me to get out, my son and I moved in with my parents while my soon-to-be-ex husband was on a business trip out of the country. He left on Thursday the 28th, and on Friday the 29th I was handing my parents’ credit card to the lawyer while my son was at preschool and my parents, sister and her mother-in-law were clearing room in their house.

The next day sister’s mother-in-law brought her dad to help. I had everything out by 10 pm Sunday the 31st. My neighbor helped my son get his jack-o-lantern carved Saturday, my dad took us around the block trick-or-treating like always, then Sunday the little pumpkin went to a church festival with the neighbor’s 2 kids.

While he was gone my husband placed a “morale call” from the base he was staying on and found out I was leaving. He freaked out and his boss had him brought home Tuesday. I filed reports and swore out warrants Wednesday for domestic violence-harassment and harassing communications (53 text messages Tuesday afternoon)- there will be a protection order in place as a condition of release.

I filed for divorce Thursday. He hasn’t been served yet, but he will be.

And he will flip when he sees that petition.

My mom found me a good lawyer. My sister found a safe house for my mom and son to stay in until I get a custody order so my husband can’t take him. I haven’t missed a day of work this week, and my anxiety is starting to lift.

Of course I carry my (licensed) pistol with me everywhere. But that’s okay. That’s why he bought it for me: to defend myself.

The funny thing is, my son seems to totally understand why we left and he’s fine with it, I think he’s relieved too. He’s asked for me, his kitten, and his Batman toy. Not for his daddy. He’s playing with gramma, the horses, the dogs, and the wonderful Christian people who will keep them and hide them and keep them safe. He’s sleeping well, eating better than he ever has, and being a good boy. He asked me on Wednesday before we left if we could go live with gramma’s new kitty. Little did he know!

Thank you all Pranksters for your encouragement! I cried as I read your comments. I thought I had cried all the tears in the world already, but these were tears of joy that so many who have never met me would show me such love! You all are The Awesome! I know I still have a long row to hoe, but I have lots of stuff on tape, and some other stuff that should be sufficient to protect me and my son from my husband.

I love you all.

There’s a blaze of light in every word, indeed, Pranksters.

Love to each of you. Always,

Aunt Becky

Dear Aunt Becky,

I hesitated to ask this question, because deep down, I think I know the answer, I just don’t want to believe it.

My husband of 6+ years has developed a noticeably heavier drinking habit lately than he has had in the 9+ years that I have known him. We have a 4.5 year old son together. I love my husband, but the Dr.Jekyll/Mr. Hyde syndrome is wearing down my nerves, my energy, and my self-esteem.

He has begun to curse at me in front of our son, tell me that I am not allowed to eat dinner and then throw it away. He has threatened to forcibly have sex with me. He’s told me that he will have me committed. I suffer from anxiety and depression for the last 3.5 years but am stable and compliant on my meds, seeing my counselor regularly. He tells me that I am fat, stupid, lazy, a lousy housekeeper, a bad mother…

I work 6 nights a week every week, do almost all of the housekeeping, the laundry and ironing, most of the child care when our son is not in daycare, and pay all the bills.

I am also trying to go to college. I love my husband, and here and there I dream of happily-ever-after – which he says is fairy-tale bullshit. “This is what marriage is” he says. I don’t want my little boy to grow up without his dad, but I don’t want him to grow up LIKE him even more. I am thinking that I should leave. Take my son and move out.

Part of me wants to have more class about it than his last wife did (surprised?), part of me wants to take everything but the house and let him have back a piece at a time until he gives me what I want: full custody. I think he loves our son, but he has a cruel streak and refers to him as a “son of a bitch” or a “motherfucker” within his hearing. I do not think that he is good for our son in the state he’s in now with the drinking and the verbal abuse and bullying. I am scared: scared of him, scared that I can’t do it, scared I’ll cave if he gets sober and then he’ll go right back to it.

I did leave him once before, but didn’t make it a week, and things weren’t nearly this bad then. My parents and sister will support me emotionally if I leave, and have offered to help financially where they can, but I do not feel right asking them for money. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how this happened to me.

Please help me, Aunt Becky.

———————

Abuse refers to harmful or injurious behavior to another human being

Verbal Abuse: constant name-calling, labeling, ridicule, making fun of, mocking, spoken threats, and regular bullying. Verbal abuse can occur at schools, in homes or at the workplace. It can be very hard to prove verbal abuse as it’s often hard to obtain evidence, even though it’s incredibly damaging. The victim can be told that it’s “all in their head” or that it’s “a joke” and made to feel that the constant attacks are really their own fault or their own problem. This can lead to long-term psychiatric damage to their self-esteem and self-image.

(information taken from Abuse Resource Page of Band Back Together)

Domestic Violence Resource Page on Band Back Together

Prankster, I’m so sorry that you’re in this position. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY deserves to be abused, and your husband is abusing you. You do not deserve this. If any ONE of my Pranksters reading this is in the same position as the writer, know that I am addressing you, as well:

YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS.

The subject line was “is this what marriage is supposed to be?” and my answer is, of course, FUCK NO. Marriage is about love and more importantly, about partnership. Marriage isn’t always good or always easy, but it is never, ever supposed to be like this. Ever.

Prankster, please get out of there. Please go. You mentioned that you have family that will support you and that’s full of the awesome. Here is a list of state-by-state resources available to victims of domestic abuse. At the bottom of this post, I’ve listed other abuse hotlines.

I was in an abusive relationship, too. There are a lot of us out there who have been there before and have gotten out. We’re on the other side and we want you to join us. We’re here for you here, and more importantly, I think that Band Back Together has an awesome network of support, too. You’re not alone. We’ve all got your back and you can do this.

Pranksters, help me out here. Help me help this Prankster.

Much love to you, Prankster. Please be safe.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline:

1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

National Child Abuse Hotline

1-800-4-A-CHILD

National Sexual Assault Hotline

1.800.656.HOPE

Elder Abuse (state hotlines vary):

Visit National Center on Elder Abuse for a directory of state hotlines

Dear Aunt Becky,

I need your help. But before I go into details I must warn you that my husband is extremely stubborn. Very stubborn. Like a mule.

When we were dating and considering marriage and parenthood, I made it clear that I wanted three children by the time I was 30. This was very important to me as I am an only child and I didn’t want my children to be lonely like I was. Early on, we had two children in less than two years. He also has a son from his first marriage, but rarely get to see him.

Because I was pretty busy with two little ones and working full time, 30 slipped past. At 32, I was diagnosed with cancer. The treatments were likely to cause menopause and the doctor suggested harvesting eggs to use at a different time. I was too shell-shocked to consider that, but my husband did. We opted not too as that would be time-consuming and my cancer was aggressive needing treatment quickly.

Fast forward a few years, I’m in remission and not in menopause. I’m past the obligatory waiting period to have children safely. I also no longer work and am a stay at home mom full-time. I have a raging case of baby fever! My husband does not. I have begged and bargained with him and he’s not budging. I told him how I was clear that I wanted three children. I would like one more and even volunteered to have a tubal done after a healthy baby is born.

Still not budging. He says that he has three kids and that’s enough. He’s counting the years til they are all 18!

I brought his interest in harvesting eggs, that I thought he wanted more children as well. He has stated that he does not want to stop my desires and would gladly let me divorce him to find a husband who would like to have children. What the heck!? I don’t want to have children with anyone but my husband. But the stubborn as a mule gig is getting old and his comments about divorce are really ticking me off. Mule is quickly turning into jack ass!

Any ideas how I can bring him around and get my way? I’m at that geriatric age when it comes to having babies, 35. So I’d like to do this sooner rather than later. Thanks!

Oh Prankster, my heart goes out to you. Genuinely it does. I wish I had a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am answer for yo, but I’m afraid that I do not.

I can easily see both sides of the equation and why you each feel the way that you do, believe me, I do, and you each have valid points. You each have blinders on to what the other wants and are refusing to compromise and it’s making you desperately unhappy.

Prankster, I think that you need to see a marriage counselor to resolve this situation. I say this not to pass the buck, but because I want you both to come to a solution that makes you both happy and fulfilled. And in this case, neither of you are happy. That is clearly not okay.

I wish you luck, Prankster.

Dear Aunt Becky:

My houseguest and I were in East Hampton, NY this weekend and as we were walking to our local fish store to buy some fish for dinner we found $121.00 on the ground in the parking lot. Inside the fish store we thought we might have seen or heard a customer realizing their loss and if so would have returned them their money. Instead all was calm and no one there seemed at a loss. There was one gentleman there with a wad of cash that appeared to be in the hundreds (he was carrying it in a plastic baggie – how weird is that?) but upon leaving the store he did not walk in the direction of where the money was lying on the ground. At this point we used the found money to purchase two lobsters as well as some sushi quality tuna and splurged on a nice bottle of wine.

Should we have done more to locate the owner? Should we donate an equal amount to charity or should we just assume that whoever lost the money probably did not even notice it and enjoy our found luck?

Ethically Challenged Prankster.
East Hampton
New York.

In the past four months, I have found two sets of diamond earrings and a bag of loose diamonds.

All were in my own closet, of course, but still. I consider that karmic payback for all of the stuff I donate to charity rather than haggling with some toothless yokel on eBay over fifty cents on my old Kate Spade wallet. In places where I should probably at least attempt to make money (read: my incredibly pointless blog)(also read: my old Kate Spade wallet), I never do, so when I find something like my own diamonds, I consider that repayment.

If I were to find $121 in East Hampton, I would absolutely consider that karmic payback for some prior good deed. Especially since it’s the Hamptons, where I think money actually might grow on trees.

So, Prankster, what I’m saying is this: I hope you enjoyed the hell out of that dinner and know that you’d somehow earned it.

Now go do something good for the Universe. It’ll pay you back somehow. I promise.

I want you all to know that I have grown my hair out and shaved my chest hair just like this guy. So if I accidentally turn my head and hair-whip you with my locks of love, just know that it’s because I put the eeeee in Sweetest Day. Anyhow, Becky asked me to fill in for her today, so here I am.

Dear Aunt Becky, The Daver,

So, my NOT husband has no friends. And is absolutely okay with this. He works in construction and all the other guys he works with are either fresh out of jail or drug addicts, so it makes sense to not to be friends with those types. But should I feel better or worse that I never have to complain that he’s out at the bar all night with his buddies? Should I do like the movies and set him up on “man dates”?

He really thinks that it’s okay to not have friends, he says that he has enough with me and our son. Which is flattering but at the same time, what the hell is the matter with him?? I know he’s a little antisocial but you would think that he would want some sort of guy talk once in a while right? Am I over thinking this? Should I just be happy that he’s not out at the bars or strip clubs every weekend leaving me alone with the kid?

I totally know how this goes: Maybe he does want some sort of guy talk, but if he’s like me, there’s a limit to how much time he wants to spend seeking out friends vs. doing things he already knows are satisfying. I know I find the thought of actually *trying* to make friends pretty tiring, so I generally wait until I run into someone who I do enjoy and then find some times to hang out with them. Even so, I certainly don’t make it out to the bars or strip clubs (which are not really my thing either, so I go pretty rarely anyhow) outside of the occasional lunchtime pub stop or quick-beer-after-work, so maybe I have the same problem!

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s totally cool to not be super-social, and it’s fine to choose family over other people, as long as he knows he’s free to establish friendships when and how he sees fit, and that you support him either way.

–d

Dear Aunt Becky, The Daver,

My boyfriend is the sweetest, most wonderful guy on the planet and I feel incredibly lucky to have found such a gem after my last few horrible relationships.  Everything in our relationship is working wonderfully but there is one problem.  His mother.

Aunt Becky, I have NO IDEA what I may have done to this woman but she doesn’t like me at all.  At first my boyfriend tried talking to her about it but she would just change topics and try to ignore that he brought it up.  He never got any straight answers.  We’ve now been together for about a year and I thought things would be getting better, but they aren’t.

My boyfriend keeps telling me to just hang in there and that he will keep trying to talk to her about it and find out what the problem is.

I’m trying not to let her feelings bother me too much, but I can see it becoming a major problem soon since our relationship (the one with the boyfriend, not the mother) is getting more serious.  I feel like I have exhausted every effort to get to know her better and to let her get to know me so we can move past this issue, but I feel like nothing is working.  I’m not perfect, but I’m not a horrible person for someone to be dating either.  I am polite, dress appropriately, and always ensure that I’m putting my best foot forward when I’m around his family (not that I don’t normally do all of those things anyway).

What should I do here?  I’m so frustrated with trying but know I cannot just give up since it will probably affect my relationship with the boyfriend.  HELP!

Sincerely,

Out of Ideas

Dear Out of Ideas,

You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your friends’ nose. Or family.

I say, you’re dating HIM, not his mother. Sucks to be so harsh, but if he is just as mystified about it as you are, and it hasn’t affected your relationship over the year you’ve been together — then all you can do is simply let it go.  Not give up, mind you — when you are presented with an opportunity to understand and figure out whatever the issue is, then go for it — but let go; it’s clear that the issue is hers, not yours, and there’s nothing you can do except be yourself and enjoy your relationship with this super-sweet guy. Don’t let your concern that it might affect things later turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy!

-d

Dear My Most Super Rad Aunt, The Daver,

I have been having an internal dilemma lately. I have this fantabulous boyfriend who is crazy cute and super trustworthy. WE live together and he is pretty much the shiznit. However waaaay back in the day I accidentally read a very old email from his ex gf (said ex tried to get him back in the first month of our relationship, he chose me duh). In this email she expressed her uhm….excitement at the prospect of him once again sticking his magic meat stick in her pooper.

Now he has asked to do this with me before and I’m not really down with it. I’ve tried it before and just wasn’t a fan (although it wasn’t with him). It’s just something I’m not too jazzed about doing again. Well anyway down to the question. I’m way paranoid that he liked it a ton with her and is like, missing something with me. Oooor that he may think about it or think she is cooler or more rad because she was down with the dirty ya know?

So should I just suck it up (not literally) and let him try it out? He insists that he doesn’t care and/or think about her or what he used to stick where. But I still can’t decide. Bestow your wisdom on me…or just give me a really good cut/blow someone up joke to make me feel better. Thanks!

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

Sex should be fun.

Sex is most fun when both people are enjoying it.

So no — if it really is a turnoff for you, then don’t point him at your pooper, especially not over fear of some ex who he already decided wasn’t good enough. Guide him to something else, something that really gets you going, a position or touch or whatever, and make that the experience he craves in bed. Trust me, it’ll be hotter for him if it’s really hot for you, too — and trying to do something you just aren’t into? Not hot.

And finally, a good relationship isn’t just about what you do in bed. From what I can see, you are both cooler AND more rad for being willing to put his needs ahead of your own in an effort to make him happy. So he’d better appreciate it, or I’ll send Aunt Becky over to cut him AND blow him up. (I know, weak, but I’m just not as funny as Aunt Becky, if you can believe that.)

–d

The David Cook

You know what? It’s DAMN hard to write about nice charity things. It was way easier to write about my ongoing war with John C. Mayer. You’ll be glad to note, Pranksters, that I have resumed my war with John C. Mayer.

I just thought I should mention that Pulling a John C. Mayer and being a snarky asshole is a hell of a lot easier than Pulling a The David Cook for Charity. And it’s a shame, too. I really do like The David Cook and John C. Mayer makes my vagina hurt with his douchiness.

That said, I’ll allow a couple more days to win a years worth of motherfucking ice cream for motherfucking charity. Who gives a fucking shit if you’re fucking polite about it and fucking shit? We can be charitable without being all vanilla. And shit.

Dear Aunt Becky,

What would you do if every (almost) morning you get to work there is a human pubic hair on your desk? Most often, one.singular.hair. – Aside from puke in your mouth.

Fact – It’s not mine, for sure! Aside from my overgardening in the pubic region, I don’t generally gear down at work and rub my box on my desk.

There is nothing – and I mean not even listening to the collective works of John C. Mayer – that is worse than finding a rogue pubic hair floating around your space that doesn’t belong to you. Whenever I find one that is very distinctly not my own, I’m horrified and then I have to tell someone that I found it (God knows I need a muzzle).

Here is my question, Prankster: is it the same type of pube? Because that changes my answer entirely. If someone is plucking a singular pube from their crotch every night and arranging it neatly on your desk, well, perhaps they are trying to say, “Hey, I like you, let me show you my genital hair!” Maybe this suitor leaves a single pube instead of a rose!

That’s a very special way of saying how much he loves you! “Let’s get a drink! I’m showing you my pubes first!”

If it is not the same type of pube, if you are getting many different -single – daily pube deposits, well, it appears that you have many special suitors. They all want you to see their crotchal regions before you agree to have a drink with them. Aren’t you so lucky!

Or, perhaps you have a Pube Fairy at work. In which case I suggest you buy a shotgun and a trap. Those fuckers are assholes.

(P.S. I am declaring “Pube” as the new insult. Also: “Crotch”)(because, obviously)

Dear Aunt Becky,

I cannot remember how I got to your Website, I think it was Bloggess, but I could be wrong.  But that is not my question or even really important, sometimes I forget to start with the pertinent items.  Your site, which is way amusing and appreciated by me leaves me with one question.  I hate to ask, ’cause your entire post makes me think I really should know the answer.

Who is this John C. Mayer?  Is it the same guy who talked about J.Simpson as sexual Napalm and who seems to have J. Aniston on booty call speed dial?  If not, is this some other surname for John C. Maxwell that I haven’t heard of?  I need to know, ’cause I’m waiting to read your archives until I find out in advance if you like these asshats.

Thanx!

Oh Prankster, no day is complete without a rousing discussion of John C. Mayer. (I do not, however, know who this John C. Maxwell is, so perhaps you could enlighten me).

John C. Mayer is an extremely talented guitar player who wrote one of the worst songs in the world: “Your Body is a Wonderland.” It may have passed under my radar as only “acutely annoying” if I hadn’t had to listen to it 52,897 while every XX chromosome I knew cried about how beautiful it was.

It was not beautiful. It was stupid. It made me want to heave.

I waged war on John C. Mayer for being a douchy pop star for years. Turns out, he’s actually kind of witty and pretty funny.

Recently, he’s been in the news for making completely inappropriate comments about his penis, and while I appreciate penis comments, even I balked at them. He is the one who called Jessica Simpson “sexual napalm” which is something I cannot actually understand. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I’ve spent nights awake in bed wondering.

WHAT DOES SEXUAL NAPALM MEAN?!?

John C. Mayer is sort of my playful archenemy. It’s always important to have a fake archenemy who has no idea you exist, right?

hey Aunt Becky,

What are your views on porn? How much is too much?

Also, why is casting for Celebrity Rehab so unpredictable? I can’t tell if it’s still a show or when the new season starts. Can’t there be a minor league for instant call up? Always seemed like such a deep, rich vein of TV reality gold .

I find that porn is like bacon: there’s always room for more.

Porn + Porn = full of the awesome.

Unless you have a porn addiction in which case it’s probably not so much full of the awesome.

Also: really don’t need to see close-ups of the ballbags, porn makers. Just, you know, thought I’d throw that in there. Testicle skin looks a lot like chicken skin and while I find it absolutely hilarious, it’s not so much arousing as it is amusing.

Also Also: I just made sure that every male reader will never, ever want to have sex with me.

Also Also Also: Balls are awesome.

And I don’t understand Celebrity Rehab. I’ve never watched it. I’m certain my Pranksters will happily discuss it with you, though.

————————

As always, Pranksters, please pick up where I left off in the comments. Your questions can be always be submitted to Go Ask Aunt Becky.

The Pulling a David Cook for Charity post is here.

And Band Back Together, for any of you who wanted to put your charity posts up on that site, is here.

For the first time ever, I have had to rewrite a post, and not because I overused the word ‘fuck’ or got sued by someone (yet). In the original post, I made an unhelpful comment that started a comment thread that was unhelpful to the asker. The comment thread is important, so I left it on the post below, but I want this post to focus on the question and this Prankster.

It’s also very clear to me that we ASD people need a space to talk. I’m trying desperately to start something over at Band Back Together, so if you’re on the fence, please hop over.

The previous post is up for us to discuss our experiences with autism. This post is here to help, support and guide this Prankster.

Dear Aunt Becky,

Do you have any advice for mothers of children who have recently been diagnosed with autism? How did you figure out what was best for Ben? I feel so lost.

Oh Prankster, I’m so sorry for what happened in the last post. I tried to answer your question properly and give you some hope about your child’s condition. I wanted you to see that while you go through some of the really hard times, there are bright spots, too.

There is always hope. Special needs parenting does not always need to be as awful and overwhelming as it feels.

I’m afraid that the wealth of information of autism can sometimes overwhelm us. I did not have that when my son was born and in many ways, I am grateful. I was fortunate to have a child on the lighter end of the spectrum. I had a wonderful Early Intervention caseworker, we had some amazing therapies and putting him into a Montessori preschool full of physicists’ kids was the trick to help Ben.

Is he “cured?” Of course not. That’s not how it works. But I don’t regularly share the darker parts of autism and I didn’t figure that this would be the time to showcase it. Instead, I pointed out that my son was quirky and wonderful as he is. This is true. There are times when it has been dark and awful and hard. This is also true. As a newly diagnosed parent, you do not need to know the dark times, as your dragons will never be the same as mine.

What happened next was not what I wanted to have happen and for that I am deeply sorry. You wanted my help. I wanted to help you. I had hoped that my Pranksters could show you some resources that I did not know of to guide you in your journey. I’ve never used The Internet for autism resources. I’ve never connected with other autistic parents. I don’t have other special needs parents that I routinely talk to.

My son is older than most of the autistic parents I’ve seen online which makes it harder to connect with them.

I am trying to put together an autism resource page and get some of the autistic parents I’ve met to post over at Band Back Together so that we can form a community there. Perhaps there we can share our different perspectives and grow together. I think gathering in one place would be a good thing for all of us. I’ve never felt comfortable talking in great detail about my son here. I don’t know that I ever will. I’d be honored if you would come share with us over there.

Now, I am going to share some resources with you again.

Faces of Autism is a great resource for you.

US Asperger and Autism Association is another great source of information.

So, Pranksters, what would you tell a newly diagnosed parent?

And, if you’d like to talk about autism, I welcome in the post below, but now is the time to support this scared Prankster.

Autism. GO.

Dear Pranksters,

I will ask you more about this tomorrow, but if you know of anyone who has a child with a neural tube defect, especially an encephalocele, will you please holler at me? Email, comments, carrier pigeon* WHATEVER.

There is much advocacy and work to be done. It’s time. I’m starting with gathering stories and information over at Band Back Together, but that’s not enough. It’s simply not. So we’ll start there.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I recently received an e-mail from my aunt stating that her and her family would be visiting my area sometime in the near future to be able to visit my family. She sent a list of places that she might be staying at and asked me to check them out.

I haven’t seen this lady since 1999 and speak to her on the phone about once a year. This is the first time I have heard of this visit and it appears I have no say in it.  How can I get across that I have no desire for her to visit without seeming too ungrateful and bitchy?  Should I just let the visit happen and suffer through it?  Help!

Oh Prankster, I like unwanted guests like I like head lice, which is kind like of an unwanted guest if you think of it. So, my suggestion is this: get head lice. No one likes lice. Even lice don’t like lice.

And if you want to be a better person than Your Aunt Becky, you could simply send her a list of things in the area that she can hint, hint, hint, do while she’s visiting, hint, hint, hint. Perhaps a nice meat-packing plant. Or a tour of a morgue? I mean, certainly there must be some awful attractions in your area that no one in their right mind would want to visit. I’d be showcasing those right about now.

Good luck, Prankster.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I have an overzealous mother-in-law who absolutely cannot stay out of our business.

How do you politely tell your Christian mother-in-law with her Christian dog and Christian friends to jump off the soapbox and quit meddling? She’s a closet Negative Nelly and it’s fucking making me insane. My husband is excellent at telling her where to shove her intel but she’s smart now and waits until he’s no longer in earshot to spew her poison.

Topics vary from parenting, finances, religion, anything she can turn into a argument. I am all for being respectful and polite but it’s getting to be hell. She loves to say I take her advice/comments/bible thumping judgments out of context but I am positive I am in the right here.

Advice?

Well, I had to check the email address on this one, Prankster, to see if I had, perhaps, sent this to myself in a Blueberry Vodka-induced haze, but since I require no email to send me a question, I am not sure that I am not answering myself here.

So, Prankster-that-might-be-Aunt-Becky, this is how I handle the lovely passive-aggressive-you’re-doing-it-wrong jabs that are often winged in my direction: I fling them right back. I gave up being polite awhile ago when I realized that it was my motherfucking house and I don’t allow bullies to bully me in my motherfucking house. You want to tell me my business? Go for it. From the street. I can’t hear that far, especially when I’m inside with the door firmly locked.

That’s the trick for passive-aggressive poo-flingers.

Now, if your mother-in-law is an arguer, I would simply turn cheek and jump on the computer/iPhone/Blackberry and tune her out. People who are convinced of their right-ness aren’t going to be dissuaded by you, nor should you expect them to be. You won’t win at her game, so don’t play it. She wants to tell you your business? Ignore her. A couple of conversations when all you say is: Yeah, mmmm-hmmm, you’re right, I am doing it wrong. Always.

And don’t let her get you alone any more, Prankster-that-might-be-Aunt-Becky. Let your husband handle her.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I’ve been dating a really great guy for almost 8 months now. Everything was going great, up until a few months ago.

I royally fucked things up when I was texting with an old guy friend. Things in our text message conversation, taken out of context, were really inappropriate and my man who saw the conversation later wasn’t too happy about it. We hashed things out and I thought the ordeal was over, however, he keeps bringing the issue up.

He says he can’t trust me anymore and doesn’t believe me when I tell him I love him. I understand that I screwed up but it seems that nothing I say can reassure my boyfriend that this is never going to happen again. Everybody messes up sometimes and I believe in second chances. I didn’t physically cheat on him or even “text cheat”.

I honestly have no idea what to do anymore or if the relationship is even salvageable at this point (which I really hope it is). I just can’t stand feeling like shit every single day over something that happened months ago.

Man, Prankster, I want to come and smack your boyfriend for you, and then give you a big fat hug, because you don’t deserve to be put through the wringer for this.

Here’s the thing: he’s got to move on from this. I get that he was hurt. I get why. It happens. Miscommunications happen all the time in relationships.

But the insecurity he’s still feeling over a little miscommunication right now isn’t fair to you. You’ve explained the situation, you’ve apologized and he needs to move on. If he can’t move on from this, maybe it’s time for you to move on. The stress you’re under has got to be horrible and that’s just not fair to you.

Maybe it’s time to sit down and have another real heart-to-heart about this. Explain that he’s got to let go of his insecurities and trust you or this relationship just can’t work. Relationships are founded on trust. He cannot keep beating you up for something that happened so long ago. You deserve better.

I wish you luck, Prankster.

—————–

I’d intended to shout this out on Friday, but I got distracted by my microwave.

My friend Anna, who is a smart fucking blogger, has written a how-to guide for making money from your blog. And? It’s free. That’s a total win, Pranksters.

——————

As always, Pranksters, please pick up where I left off in the comments. And feel free to submit your burningest questions to Go Ask Aunt Becky on the top of the site.

*What the fuck is a carrier pigeon?

Pranksters, we’re still pulling a John C. Mayer on the Internet and it’s beyond successful. Google John C. Mayer and look at the first couple of pages. Since we got the term “Pulling a John C. Mayer” in Urban Dictionary, the whole Pulling A John C. Mayer prank is spreading like crazy. So keep on pranking, Pranksters. We’re going to keep on keeping on. HILARIOUS.

@mommywantsvodka on Twitter if you are Pulling a John C. Mayer (also: whomever is running #Pulling A John C Mayer on Twitter is hilarious) so that I can add you to THAT list, and I’ll add more of your blogs to the list of people who have been John C Mayer-d.  Clicking those links are good for SEO. Also: if you have a Digg account (I’m Mommywantsvodka), try and go through and Digg all of the posts that have been submitted.

Okay, ONTO Go Ask John C. Mayer!

Go Ask John C. Mayer

Hi Aunt Becky- John C. Mayer,

Thank you so much for posting my question to you regarding how the hell you managed with a little one in the hospital, etc. I am overwhelmed with the outpouring of support, thoughts and prayers from you and your Pranksters. I really want everyone to know (and you, of course!) that I am truly, TRULY thankful for all of their love and support. I just can’t figure out how the hell to say it! So, “thank you!” to you and to them. You have all touched our hearts.

Also the blog is at:  prayersforjillian.blogspot.com

I did a happy dance when I got this email. Thank you Prankster for coming back! My Pranksters really are the best people on the Internet, aren’t they? Without them, I wouldn’t have made it through Amelia’s first weeks. That’s not a question. We’ll be praying for you, love, and your sweet baby Jillian.

We’d love to have you over at Band Back Together, too, if you’d like to share more over there. I think you’d really find a good home there.

Much love,

AB

Dear John C. Mayer,

I am a writer and a photographer. My first DSLR was stolen (maybe by John C. Mayer) around Christmas and my boyfriend bought me a new camera to replace it. I thought he understood that the photographs I take are not just pictures to me, they are things I create, that are part of me. They are my passion.

So, this past weekend, I took some photographs (not pictures, not snapshots, photographs) of his daughter’s birthday celebration. I have also taken photographs of his son at motor cross races this summer.

Monday morning I discover that the photographs I had taken of his children were now posted on his FB page – without giving any credit to me for them. Without asking me if he could use them. Without telling me he was using them. And without apology.

Now, I don’t care that he put them on his FB page. They are photographs of his children. I am not saying he needed my permission to use them. I would have had no problem with any of this at all if he had just given me a heads-up about it first.  My photographs; my camera.

He figures he bought the camera so he has unlimited access to the camera and everything on it without having to ask at all.  It’s his, he owns it since he paid for it. His exact text message?  “I don’t believe this shit. Fuck you. I don’t have to ask. Those were of me and my kids and again I paid for the damn thing.  Come get the rest of your shit.”

When I told him my photographs are like my writing to me, I create both, he told me “That’s just ridiculous.” I feel as if he’s calling me, my photography, and my writing all ridiculous and stupid. Now, I have no desire to ever pick up that camera ever again because he was so flip about it.

Then my blog, which I’ve had since before I met him, got brought up into it as well. He’s never said anything about it, but now apparently his “friends” are all offended at what I write about him on my blog.  So now, he’s taking that away from me as well.

My passions, my safe places, my creative outlets have been tarnished and violated and destroyed in my eyes.  I have no where to go.

Am I wrong here?  Did I overreact?  Help.

Oh Prankster, it’s hard when you feel like your safe haven is violated, which is how I feel whenever I get a internet mole person (until John C. Mayer and I tell them to shut their whore mouth), and that feeling isn’t fun.

Let me guess, your boyfriend is not a creative-type, is he? Because creative people, like John C. Mayer, might understand where you are coming from. But since he’s not creative like John C. Mayer, you’re probably not going to make him understand where you’re coming from. The best you may get is that he’ll never take your photos without asking again because that means something to you.

And if you never want to use the camera again, well, that’s your call.

It’s hard, Prankster, to get over that violation of your creative space feeling whenever it happens, but you have a few options:

a) get a new blog to write on. Sure, it’s annoying to change URL’s and be all stealthy, but you know, if knowing people who are upset with what you write are reading you prevents you from writing, that’s that.

2) Go password protected. Pass out the password to your readers and John C. Mayer ahead of time and there you have your space! Peachy!

5-9er) Pull An Aunt Becky (John C. Mayer) and realize that haters be hatin’ and sooner or later, you have to come to terms with the fact that people who actually know you (versus anonymous internet mole people) and dislike you will read your blog and think mean things about you while they read it. They make even *gasp* MOCK you while they read it, but never, ever John C. Mayer, because he is a gentleman. You get used to it, I promise.

c) Let them win and stop all creative endeavors forever and ever.

John C. Mayer and I wish you luck, Prankster.

Dear Aunt Becky, John C. Mayer,

Six years ago I went through a Very Bad breakup with my high school sweetheart during our first semester of college. His parents decided that we weren’t going to be together anymore and yanked him out of the college we were both attending to send him to a different one.  We tried to stay in touch for a while, but it just went downhill from there.  It was truly one of the darkest periods of my life (my whole identity had become wrapped up in him and us).  Shortly after breaking up with him, I met my (now) husband.  We’ve been married for two and a half years, more or less happily (thanks, recession!).

I just found out that The Ex is back at the college for grad school.  I’m still local and I actually spotted him yesterday (he didn’t see me)(I’m not a stalker, he was walking away from the restaurant we were eating at)(shut up).

So basically, I’m still pretty fucked up about how the whole breakup went down.

I’m in therapy, but practically, what do I do?  I’m not sure I can take the whole “you may bump into him” every time we go into town, living not knowing how that encounter will go (my money’s on Not Well).  Should I get in touch with him just so it’s not a surprise to anyone?  I don’t know if he knows I’m still around.  How do I not make my husband crazy by being all stupid about my ex showing up?

Thanks,
Totally Not a Stalker (Promise)

Oh Prankster, I think we all have The One That Got Away, like John C. Mayer, don’t we?

I even have the outfit picked out (a vinyl catsuit!) that I’ll be wearing when I happen to run into him! I’ll be dressed as Cat Woman, which John C. Mayer likes, and he’ll be dressed like a homeless person. In all actuality, when I run into him, I’ll be wearing track pants and a ratty t-shirt and fresh from the gym so that I’ll smell like I just rolled in dog poo.

I may actually be mistaken for dog poo by other piles of dog poo.

He’ll probably be wearing an Armani tux. Like John C Mayer!

But the thing is, I’m not actually hung up on it. I’m genuinely over it and I don’t give a shit what I look like when I run into him. Unlike, of course, John C. Mayer.

It sounds like you have unresolved issues that you need to address with your past relationship and I think you need to take a hard look at what you hope to accomplish by reaching out to him. What’s the best case scenario? And the worst? I’m all for pulling out the skeletons in your closet and making them dance, but John C. Mayer and I want to make sure that you’re not setting yourself up for some major problems in your present.

Talk to your therapist and explain that you have unresolved issues. You don’t need to be skulking around and hiding from your ex, but you do need to be ready, I absolutely agree. And your husband needs to be ready, too. Your husband is your future and with the help of your therapist, and your husband, I’d bet that you can come up with a game plan.

Maybe reaching out first is a good idea, but not without those two completely aware of what’s going on. And maybe all you need to do is make a phone call to say “hey, I’m in town, don’t be surprised to see me” and nothing more than that.

I wish you luck, Prankster. It’s hard to face up to your skeletons and John C. Mayer and I commend your bravery.

——————–

As always, Pranksters, please fill in where John C. Mayer and I left off in the comments.