After spending most of the day imagining many adventures where Mr. Pinchey, my imaginary Monkey Butler and I rode horses through the Australian Outback looking for pirated treasure and eventually roasted some shrimp on the barbie, I got down to some serious thinking. After, of course, I ate a hot dog. Mr. Pinchey stories always makes me hungry.

I’ve been thinking a lot about why we blog.

As my friend Cecily recently pointed out, a lot has changed in the time since we dinosaurs started our dinky blogs. I mean, when I started, WordPress (which I think was Typepad back then) didn’t even have a spell-check feature–which explains the abysmal spelling of many of my imported posts–it had a “BOLD,” “ITALICS” and “STRIKE-THROUGH” button at the top of the post. That’s it.

I started to blog on Mushroom Printing because, as I’ve said many times, it seemed like a good idea at the time. I began Mommy Wants Vodka because I needed a space where I could let it all out. Mushroom Printing was supposed to be a humor blog and once Alex was born, I needed a space where I could talk about my kid, too. Somewhere that I could be Becky, In Real Life, not just Becky, The Motherfucking Clown.

I kept on blogging because I’m a compulsive freak who has to do the same thing every day, lest my brain explode into a pulpy, spattery mass, and I’ve watched as bloggers come and go. Some of them good, some of them great, some of them terrible. I’ve added and deleted links from my blogroll, mourning the dead blogs of my friends while I happily added new ones.

But last night, as I read what Cecily wrote, I found myself nodding along, because she’s right. Memoir-style blogging, blogging where we bare our soul and tell stories and let our ugly warts hang out for the world to see, these blogs seem to be dying.

Instead, I find new blogs (not yours, Pranksters) that present a sanitized version of life, a Palmolive commercial, if I may (and I always may, because this is my blog and I am sponsored by myself and the pennies I find in the couch cushions). Life is good, children are adorable, and wouldn’t you know it, gosh-darnit, Jim, my darling-hubby is just the cutest darn guy on the planet!!!

I get it. I do.

Bloggers don’t want to bare themselves or open themselves up to criticism or scare off potential companies who will be all, “wow, this blogger says, ‘fucking shit,’ we’d better not pay her a boat-load of cash to shill our crappy product!” They don’t want to embarrass their children or spouses by telling the world that hey, you know what? SOMETIMES MY KIDS SUCK, TOO. SOMETIMES, I HATE MY SPOUSE. They don’t want to blog their life as it really is for whatever reason. I get it.

But in turn, that dehumanizes the blog, makes everyone seem like beige paint, and makes me, quite frankly, bored. If I want to watch a commercial about how life is supposed to be, I’ll turn on the television and watch it. I know how my life doesn’t stack up by comparison to the sunny television kitchens, and I don’t care.

I love my imperfect life. Maybe not every single day, but most days, I do. My imperfections are what make me human, and being able to come here every day and be honest about them is why 6 years later, I can still do it.

I don’t make much money off my blog. I’m not sponsored by Colgate or Crest or Palmolive, or even a vodka company. I run ads so that I can pay for hosting for this blog and Mushroom Printing. If I had to change who I was to be more popular or become “Mommy Wants Vodka by…xxxx Big Company,” I wouldn’t do it. Because that’s not me.

I’m ugly in the mornings. I don’t always say the right things. My entries are too long and not always edited and I can’t spell to save myself. I swear. A lot. I’m unapologetically who I am. You probably won’t always like me. I’ll probably always like you.

If I can offer new bloggers one piece of advice it’s this: write hard. Be authentic. Write because you can’t imagine not writing. Write because those beautiful words get stuck in your head like butterflies beating against your skull until you let them out and BAM! there they are on paper, in front of you and it’s perfection.

Even if you’re the only one who reads it: write hard. Do it for yourself. Don’t ever doubt that you can do it or that you should do it. Just do it and stop second guessing. Second guessing is for amateurs and punks.

Write hard, my Pranksters.

—————–

So, why do you blog, Pranksters? Alternately, why don’t you? I’m throwing up a Mr. Linky if you want to answer on your own site.

The great god Britney posited that there were two types of people in the world (the ones that entertained and the ones that observed), but Your Aunt Becky–a lesser deity–thinks that there are 6 types of blogs.

1) Entertainment Blogs: You have your Perez Hilton, your Cake Wrecks, your LOL Cats and FAIL blog. These types of blogs exist as fluff to make you happy in the pants. With the potential exception of the one time you might see yourself or your property FEATURED on these blogs, there are very few times you’d be pissed off while reading these blogs.

2) Business Blogs: Since blogging got all popular, Big Business took notice, especially since their advertising campaigns had started to lose popularity. Word of MOUTH was king AND cheaper, with the widespread availability of free blogging platforms. Now, most businesses have their own blogs, Twitter accounts, and Facebook pages.

3) Blogs That Teach You Something: I’m going all BROAD STROKES here and including all newspapers online (New York Times), magazines (Wired), cooking blogs (Pioneer Woman), photoblogs, blogs about how to get rich (I Will Teach You To Be Rich). There are even blogs to help you learn to blog better, although most of them are written by non-bloggers.

4) Blogs That GIVE You Something. These blogs are designed to give away something, like coupons (Coupons.com) or a product (The Bright Side Project), often given to the blogger by the company to promote said product.

5) Blogs That Sell You Something: Enough Said.

6) Personal Blogs: Clearly, this is the majority of the blogs I read and the majority of what YOU, my Pranksters, are. Occasionally we cross lines and dabble in one of the other types of blogs, but on the whole, we are all personal bloggers.

*clearly there are subcategories within each genre.

————–

I do get enough people asking me for blogging advice, I figure that once in awhile, you guys probably do want to hear about blogging, even if it makes me feel like a douche to write about it.

So I want to tell you that I FINALLY figured out the secret of a successful blog.

Here it is, Pranksters!

…

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…

…

…

…

…

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Oh noes! That wily Mr. Sprinkles, my fake cat! He’s ruined everything!

Okay, so there is no secret magical formula for what makes one blog Full of The Awesome and another one Not So Full of The Awesome. If I knew what the formula was, I would probably be rolling in my vault of golden coins while being waited on hand and foot by my imaginary monkey butler Mr. Pinchy.

Sadly, I am not.

So, I’ve given some basic advice here, Blogging For Dummies and Blogging For Dummies deux, and this will be my third long-winded installment.

If you look at my VERY broad breakdown of blogs you will realize that most of the blogs you read fall into those categories. Some of the blogs I read very handily crossover genres (ABDPT does this very well), but most fall squarely into one or the other.

I run a personal blog, and while I occasionally offer advice, my blog isn’t set up to do much else besides offer the occasional boring story about my life.

So what is the secret to running a personal blog? I think it’s multi-faceted, Pranksters.

1) People connect with bloggers who they relate to and they’re only going to relate to if you reveal something about who you really are. Writing is all about connections, and nowhere is that more important than blogging. So be honest, let it all hang out, and be authentic.

2) Stop fucking trying to be someone else. We get it. You like xxxx (insert popular blogger here). We all know xxxx. Be YOURSELF, not someone else. No one likes a second-rate impostor.

3) Organize your posts so they make sense. Readers need to be able to dive in and understand what you’re talking about without needing a cast of characters. I’ll write about what makes a nice layout when I am feeling particularly annoyed by music on a blog (GAH!!) another time.

4) Over time, you’ll find your voice and when you do, there’s going to be no stopping you. Just keep plugging on until you do.

5) It’s okay if you’re not a writer. Not everyone is a writer. Don’t let that intimidate you out of wanting to spill your guts onto a blank WordPress document. I’d prefer to read the honest words of someone who ISN’T a writer than the overly stylized words of someone who KNOWS they are.

6) Blog for YOURSELF. I think I’ve said that in every single other post about blogging because it’s so true. If you’re seeking external validation from comments and emails and tweets, you may wait a long damn time. It may never come. If you’re writing for fame and fortune, you’re 7 years too late. Write because you love to. Write because you HAVE to. Write because if you don’t, your brains will explode from all of the words that are trapped inside, itching to get out.

But don’t blog because you think some comment is going to make you feel good about yourself. Readers, they come and go. They’re fickle. Feedburner counts go up and down. You can be on top of the blogging heap only to find yourself all alone the next day.

The words are the one thing that will stay. So let those be what nourishes you.

Write hard, Pranksters.

————–

Every time (and by “every time,” I mean the other two times) I write about blogging, I get a couple of people who are like, “WOW, those are a lot of RULES and I don’t LIKE rules,” which means that they missed the part where I say explicitly that you should probably never, ever listen to anything I say, ever.

Plus, “rules” for blogging are about as laughable as the notion that any of us are ever going to be “famous bloggers” so please, if you’re going to yell at me about not wanting to follow the rules, know that I don’t even follow my own advice.

Ignore my advice, don’t ignore it, cross stitch it on a pillow, burn it on an Aunt Becky-shaped effigy while singing “Joy To The World,” I don’t particularly care. No skin off MY teeth, Pranksters.

————

Last day to vote for me for Best Humor Blog. I love you madly, Pranksters.

On Friday, I saw one of those things that made me happiest in the pants: my friend Brittany over at Barefoot Foodie (who, if you don’t know her, you should, because she’s full of The Awesome, and you should trust me because I’m a doctor) had actually been featured on a Social Media Site (this one was Shamable).

Now this was beyond fucking awesome to me because Brittany isn’t a cookie-cutter blogger. She uses words like “fuck” and “asshole” and peppers her posts with all sorts of interesting imagery that make her as endearing to read as a doe-eyed puppy. But much fucking funnier.

This means that maybe–JUST MAYBE–the media is going to stop paying so much attention to blogs of user submitted photos and start focusing on blogs with REAL CONTENT. You know, WORDS? Because you can only look at pictures of cute kitties with funny captions for SO LONG until you realize that there is another world out there–a world of people who use words, REAL words to write with.

And that people like to read those words, even when those words are dirty. It doesn’t matter how profane we are, PEOPLE READ US. I like to imagine that if she, or I changed our MO and started simply writing posts like,

“Today, I looked at my beautiful glorious children who shone like diamonds in the sun, and then I smiled.”

(insert over-processed picture of my Photo-shopped beaming kids)

I’d lose my Band of Merry Pranksters. Why? That’s fucking VANILLA. Sure, it’s a fine sentence, I GUESS, if you like boring, old tripe that’s pretty much the same thing you can find at any other flowery blog.

No, you come here to read this sentence:

“My crotch parasites shrieked and wailed as they all dog-piled onto my pants (oh, no, not my WHORE pants that are STILL fucking MIA!), that had pooled around my ankles as I tried in vain to take a crap without an audience. I laughed as they fought over the prime spot, closest to the bowl of the toilet, and thought, “I guess I’ll take dump alone in about 15 years, eh?””

There’s a difference, clearly, and that’s what keeps YOU here (the good ones, at least) and bloggers like Brittany and I off the radar of the social media sites and the mainstream media sites. We’re too…profane, I guess. Not cookie-cutter enough. We swear, we curse, and we talk about the sort of stuff other people don’t. It’s why you read us, and why I read you.

Sometimes, I am marginally funny. Sometimes I shock you. Sometimes, I am heartfelt and then I make you nervous that I might have had a lobotomy and lost some of my brain function. Either way, I write the hell out of my blog. It’s raw, it’s real, and it’s all Your Aunt Becky.

I write because I have to. I write because I love it. I write because I don’t know how not to. I write because that is what I do. I am damn proud of it. My ickle blog is a labor of love. My Band of Pranksters are my friends. They inspire me.

To be able to Write Hard and to do it genuinely, you have to do it without fear. Do I get people who come here and hate me? Of course I do. It’s not terribly often, and typically on posts over five years old but I have been called names and insulted. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt, but I’d also be lying if I said it hurt a lot. But if someone coming and trying to hurt me is the worst thing that happens to me today, well, shit, that’s a damn good day, Pranksters.

In the end, so fucking what? Plenty of people don’t like Your Aunt Becky. The haters can take a number.

To those of you who have your own blog, I encourage you to Write Hard. Write because you love it. Write because it fulfills you. Write because it makes you happy and because without it, you feel like your arm is missing and your pants are on backwards. Write because you’re empty inside when you don’t. Stick your neck out and say what you mean. Be authentic. Be REAL. Show the world who you are. Write without fear.

Write Hard, Pranksters. Write Hard.

Aunt Becky’s Family Reunion: Knotty By Nature takes to the high seas on March 7, 2011 for a four day cruise of the Bahamas out of Port Canaveral, Florida.

This is a mobile mischief, tomfoolery, drinking and merry-making trip where you can learn all about how to properly swear, blog, and lazily lounge about the bright blue ocean. There’s nothing not full of the awesome about this.

ALL ARE WELCOME. Let me repeat that for you in case you didn’t believe me: ALL ARE WELCOME. That means YOU, Prankster, who is lurking out there, reading this and wondering if I mean it. Oh yes, I do. We’re calling it a FAMILY REUNION, after all, because when you’re here, you’re family. SORRY.

You can bring your family, your friends, your kids, your spouse, your lover, your mistress, your master, but probably not your pet. I mean, unless it’s a pet rock. Because I don’t think that’s up to health code, not because I have a problem with pets. But that’s between you and the cruise ship.

If you have a vagina, you can come*.

If you have a penis, you can come*.

Frankly, if you have both, you can come*.

I have a feeling it’ll be a mix of both sexes because who doesn’t want to see THIS HOT ASS in a bathing suit? *smacks ass*

You don’t have to be a blogger or even like blogs because frankly, The Internet costs 6 bazillion dollars when you’re wearing your flipping floppy’s on the Lido deck, and while we may talk some shop, you won’t be out of place BECAUSE YOU’RE ON A BOAT.

So shut your whore mouth, quit your worrying, and GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR, PRANKSTERS!

Are you IN?

Slap the official badge (code OVER THERE in the sidebar —>) up on your blog to let the world know you’re gonna be ON A MUTHER TRUCKIN BOAT.

We’ll have the t-shirts to match that you’ll pretty much want all over your chesticles up and ready to buy in the next few weeks. For now, Mr Linky yourself here when you’ve paid your deposit.

Itinerary

Monday, March 7th – Port Canaveral, Florida, Depart 4:30 PM
Tuesday, March 8th – CocoCay, Bahamas 8:00 AM-5:00 PM
Wednesday, March 9th – Nassau, Bahamas 7:00 AM-11:59 PM
Thursday, March 10th – At Sea (DRINKING)
Friday, March 11th – Port Canaveral, Florida 7:00 AM Arrive BACK TO REALITY

We wrangled the services of a group cruise agent to help us out (another Prankster, Amber) so if you want to be a part of this, which, you do, because obviously, you want to go through her (details below).

Cruise Rates

Rates are as follows (and may be subject to a fuel surcharge that will be no more than $10/guest/day):

Category H Oceanview Cabins: $426.34/person which includes all taxes, port charges AND gratuities.
Category N Inside Cabins: $381.34/person, which also includes all taxes, port charges AND gratuities.
(download this PDF flyer for more detailed information)

Here’s where it gets awesome. Deposit is $200 per cabin (or $100 per person), but the rest of the amount can be paid with payment plans up until December 1st. I mean, it would be MORE awesome if it were free, but hey, PAYMENT PLANS. Just like a vacation layaway plan.

Our cruise agent, Amber, will work with each of you individually to work out payment plans.

All deposits are fully refundable until December 1st, so if something comes up, you can pull out. Nothing will come up.

If Royal Caribbean drops fares, we’ll get the reduced fares. *score!*

We can also book other categories of rooms and still be a part of the group.

Booking Information

We convinced you, didn’t we? The promise of floating in a large ship on an Internet Family Reunion with Your Aunt Becky and Angie was too good to pass up. FLOATING BLOGGING CONFERENCE, yo. Want MORE information? Download this brochure.

So this is what you do. I don’t want to deal with money because I’d spend it or lose it and it’s not my thing.

If you are a US citizen, you DO NOT NEED A PASSPORT. It’s highly suggested, but you don’t need one. If you have one and it’s expired, no problemo – it’s still accepted. If you don’t have a US passport, then a certified copy of your birth certificate and driver’s license is all you need. If you’re not a US citizen, well, duh. Yeah. You need a passport to get into the country. doof.

Contact Amber, our group cruise booking agent. She’ll talk you through everything you need to know about a cruise, including passport information, travel insurance, the best things to wear for formal night, and whether or not I am actually insane.

amber@cruiseresource.com
Cruise One
4195 S. Lewiston Cir., Aurora, CO 80013
p: 303-690-8997 | f: 303-690-8986
TOLL FREE: 888-SAIL-123 (888-724-5123)
http://www.cruiseresource.com

Ship Details

I tried to get the ship named the S.S. Pranksters, but sadly, they insisted that the name was actually the Monarch of the Seas which has a sort of stately ring that made me happy in the pants. I accepted it THIS time, Royal Caribbean, but I WILL be back. *shakes fists.*

Port Canaveral, Florida

I don’t live in Florida, I live in Chicago, so I’m commuting in, which, I’m guessing, a bunch of you will be, too. The ship leaves out of a big ass dock in the port, but the area is RIGHT BY Orlando, Florida. And in Orlando is…DISNEY WORLD. It’s a pretty sweet set-up, yo.

Florida is also ASS HOT, so get used to it, those of you who will be coming from cold places, like me. In fact, I’ll probably be almost as white as a larva coming from Chicago in the dead of winter (March = winter in Chicago). In March, however, Florida is the land of tres awesome weather. Meaning, really, it’s nice. Nice as in high in the 70s, nice.

Angie lives in Orlando, but really only has room for 10-15 people to cram their asses on the floor, so unless you want to sleep 69-style on the floor in her Messy House, it’s suggested you either fly/drive in on Monday morning or find yo’self a hotel near the Orlando airport for Sunday night. Questions? Just ask Angie.

Additional Information

We’ll be adding more information as needed, so we’ll let you know when and what you need to to make this a crazy-awesome vacay.

Questions? Leave a comment on the cruise info page (DON’T ASK CRUISE QUESTIONS ON THIS POST, only “yippee! i’m going! squeeee! comments here, please) and we’ll answer them cruise info page for everyone to see. Ask a question someone else has already asked in the comments? Lose a finger.

________________________________________

*that’s what she said

Because I called my cruise a business trip, Angie and I talked shop for a little bit when we were together. Although, I’m going to be honest, a lot less than you’d think. When I was a waitress, post-shift, the staff would pour out of the restaurant together like a bunch of lunatics that hadn’t seen the light of day in 16 years and we’d proceed to talk about “the assholes at table 24” for the next 2 hours while we drank ourselves into a pit of oblivion.

Server stories are endlessly entertaining to other servers, but blogging stories simply aren’t interesting to anyone…even other bloggers. I mean, could I really be all, “ONE TIME MY DNS THINGY CRASHED AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT EVEN MEANS” without making other people want to slit their own necks?

Plus, saying, “I have a blog” is kind of not full of the awesome because it STILL sounds like I could have a site devoted to my cat, Mr. Sprinkles, and his wacky anecdotes. Because let me tell you, Mr. Sprinkles is one wacky guy.

Angie and I did, however, talk conferences. Specifically the docket for next year.

I’m doing BlogHer this year, and I’m even speaking, which must have been some grievous error on BlogHer’s end because I am not classy and they are classy and maybe someone will spike my drink so that I won’t get up there and be all ‘YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH’ in front of people.

They probably thought I was the OTHER Aunt Becky.

Anyway, I don’t normally do conferences, but I guess I should start because there are OTHER people at conferences whose legs I should like to hump with my vagina (yes YOU Pranksters) and that’s essentially what I told Angie who is not the island of a blogger that I am.

*warbles Islands in the Streams*

It was there, over Strawberry Frozen Yogurt when we came up with our most brilliant idea.

Why not say “fuck it” and all get our assess onto a boat? We could do a Blogger Meet-up on a boat!

Let me break it down.

It’s cheaper than a hotel per night if you bunk up with someone (especially in the middle rooms like where Your Aunt Becky stayed)(because I am a cheap ass) AND the airfare down to Florida isn’t exorbitant depending upon when we go. A cruise would be no more than a conference, especially if you got a roommate.

So, I’m thinking that this is the wave of the future. GET IT? WAVE? It’s me being nautical again. HILARITY.

What’s not awesome about getting on a boat with a couple of bloggers and then proceeding to:

a) drink

2) sleep

@) drink THEN sleep

8) eat anything you want

*) swim

10) smuggle in narcotics

I mean, really, nothing not awesome.

The idea is still in it’s embryonic form because I have to research REAL blog conferences with you know, real speakers and stuff, so that I don’t book something that’s conflicting with it, but I’ll be on a motherfucking boat. Angie will too. You can join us.

If you guys are dead set on having some conference shit going on, I’m sure that Angie (who is a legitimate business owner) and I (who am a bullshit blogger) can come up with some sort of agenda.

Like this:

8-10: Motherfucking SLEEP

10-11: Eat breakfast, chew aspirin to work off hangover. Laugh at previous night’s antics once laughing doesn’t hurt.

11-11:20: Lazily discuss blogging. Ask if anyone else actually makes money blogging. Make the one poor sap that raises hand buy drinks.

11:20-11:30: Chug beer through makeshift beer bong.

11:30-1PM: Lay by pool trying to catch the elusive she-mullet on film. Winner gets free drinks.

1-2PM: Lunch. Lazily order “one of everything” on the menu. Laugh when server asks “really” then say, “of course.” Eat it all.

2-4PM: NAPPY TIME.

4-4:10- Discuss traffic levels on blog. Decide it really IS all about content. Get distracted by someone in a whimsical t-shirt.

4:10-5:00- Try to decide if anyone actually knows the words to the Macarana. Stop fist-fight between two irate (and drunk) bloggers who swear that it’s actually an Irish Folk Song.

5:00-7PM- SHOW TIME. Laugh at the awesome show put on by the band. Debate whether or not the show people know how bad their show is. Laugh more. Applaud loudly because NO ONE ELSE IS.

7-8:30- DINNER TIME. Marvel over how good dinner is. Marvel over how fat you are becoming. Marvel how you just don’t give a shit.

8:30-10PM- Back up to the deck to people-watch. Realize that no matter how bad you feel about yourself, really, it’s not so bad. EVER.

10-11PM BEDTIME, baby.

————-

Really, Pranksters, this is going to be full of the awesome. You should do it. You don’t have to be a blogger, like blogs, or even read them to join us. It’ll be a floating party of awesome.

Angie and I will be on a boat. Mr. Sprinkles, my fictitious cat, will not be.

————–

Also my column at Toy With Me, penis tattoos? WTF?

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Pranksters, but since I’ve been blogging since Jesus was my classmate, I’ve noticed that the climate of blogging has changed. My friends have noticed this too. I was at a conference (last year) and they were talking about the Word of Mom advertising being the new It Thing because that’s who people believed now. Like, no one believed The Man, people believed The Mom.

Who the fuck blames them?

Anyway, that, of course, trickled down into blogging and I started to see PR blogs popping up. Then Sponsored Tweets appeared in my timeline (aka: “Come and try Standee’s* burgers!! They’re full of the awesome! #spon) and now pretty much every business has a Facebook page. Facebook, I have to laugh, used to be only open to COLLEGE students, and now I can keep up with what Crest toothpaste is doing (love their whitestrips by the way. No, that’s not sponsored, I just do.).

So last year, the FTC insisted that we bloggers maintain TRANSPARENCY when we talk about products that we were given which made me laugh until I nearly choked, not because it was far-fetched for OTHER people, but because seriously? NO ONE EVER GAVE ME DICK.

But that annoyed me because then suddenly I felt like I couldn’t possibly talk about something that I did happen to like (like my L’Oreal Eye Lifting Cream)(SO not sponsored), for fear of sounding like I was Shilling out to the Man. Which, let’s face it once more, no one ever sends me stuff to review probably because they’re afraid of me.

I’m asked more often than you’d think why I blog and the answer is simple: because I love to. To me, it’s not really about the subscribers or the page views or wacky search terms (although whomever is searching for “david cook nude,” back the fuck off my husband, yo), although I love knowing that my blog, my labor of love, is growing because I put a lot of work into it.

I remain slightly bewildered by this new blogging world order where I am supposed to stick to a strict 400-600 word count (because people TIRE of reading anything longer!) and break it up by SEO search term paragraph headers.

You know what that would look like, Pranksters? It wouldn’t be readable, that’s for sure. It would look like a fucking monkey hammered it out, and while I am certainly not winning a smart people contest unless I sit on the contestants, I take my writing seriously enough to care how it looks and how it reads. If that means Google search crawlers won’t direct people here, I don’t give a shit.

If I am also following the PR guidelines, I should take out all terms like this (and feel free to add more in the comments):

*fuckwad

*assbag

*venereal disease

*scrote

*fuckbag

*chesticle

*sweater kitten

*banana hammock

*funbags

*breasticles

Because while I would love for my smiling face to end up on national television–without having committed a mass murder–I also would like to keep my integrity about myself. I’d rather remain true to myself and my blog and my band of Merry Pranksters.

I read most of your blogs and I know that all of you blog with the same sense of integrity about what you do and that is why you’ll succeed. People can spot a phony a mile away which is why the Word of Mom advertising is going to fail as The Word of The Man advertising did.

So the climate of blogging may have changed, but I have faith that those of us who blog as we are and blog because we must, those of us will continue to do as we’ve always done. I have faith that this will be what sets us apart.

Maybe we can all get a big blogging house and live together like Three’s Company. Except it’ll be like, “7,000’s Company.” I’ll be the dude. Heh. Then I can finally pee standing up. SPEAKING OF THAT. I have to get The Daver to put the final touches on the community site and do a dramatical unveil.

P.S. The community site will be Full of The Awesome because you can ALL POST THERE. Like your own blog posts.

P.P.S. Can I please be the dude?

P.P.P.S. What do you think about blogging, Pranksters? Hit me up in the comments, yo.

*that’s for you, Pashmina.

Now, I always feel like a crotch rocket whenever I blog about blogging (Blogging for Dummies Part I) because it presumes that I know more than you do and that I am speaking TO you, my Pranksters, from some position of authority. That makes me feel douchey. I don’t run a clinic on blogging here because that seems weird and honestly, I have taught before, but they’ve been subjects like BIOCHEMISTRY not Blogging 101.

Most of the shit that’s been written out there about blogging (if’n you Google “how to blog”) is fucking useless. There are some diamonds written by REAL bloggers, but most of it is garbage. Why? They’re articles written for SEO hits. And articles written for SEO hits (search engine optimization, i.e. the stuff that will get you Google Hits.) are fucking BULLSHIT.

If you want to learn to blog, you need to learn from a blogger. That’s not a question.

So, let’s take it back to basics, and back to the beginning.

Also, feel free to ignore me entirely. Like I said, this isn’t what I do.

When I started blogging it was 2004, and I wrote a blog called Mushroom Printing. It was a co-blog that I wrote with Pashmina (then Stimpy) and our blog was started as a Shock Blog. Like, “I can’t believe GIRLS talk like that.” If you think what I write now is bad, it was MUCH worse then.

So by the time I got to writing Mommy Wants Vodka in late 2007, I’d sort of figured out what works. I’d also committed the cardinal sin of blogging and switched URL’s. I lost most of my readers.

But, I’d learned a couple of things.

First, I’d learned that what makes a good blog is to tell a story. It doesn’t so much matter what the story is, but it needs to have something there more than, “and then I made soup for lunch!!” Because genuinely, what you had for lunch IS fucking boring.

Unless it’s made out of platinum and you are giving it to me.

You need to post consistently, but not over-post. There’s some weird balance to walk there, and I’m not trying to be all ‘YOU HAVE TO POST 12 TIMES A DAY’ because that will get you unfollowed by most people. Why? No one has an interesting enough life to have much to say THAT many times a day. And if you have nothing to say? Skip a day.

Plan out what you have to say ahead of time (See what I said about platinum lunches).

If you want to build a community, develop friendships, not business contacts. Now, I’m not blind. I can see that The Word Of Mom advertising–even if you’re not a mom–is infecting the blog world. Advertisers remain convinced that bloggers are going to see their souls for a packet of rice or a sample of shampoo.

If that’s the kind of blog that you want to run, there’s no problem with that, but remember that this will not endear you to readers. Why? It’s not authentic. My advice is to separate the two. Do a review blog and a personal blog. People aren’t going to be jumping at the chance to read your reviews of products just because they love you.

But (and here is my teeny soap-box, don’t sell yourself short. Your time is worth a lot. I say this because I love you) make sure you’re compensated handsomely BY the advertising companies. They pay gazillions of dollars for the FREE advertising they’re getting from YOU. Just don’t let them compromise YOUR reputation.**

Blog authentically. I cannot stress that enough. You want to know why people read my blog? This is who I am.

My driver’s license doesn’t say “Aunt Becky Sherrick Harks” but it does say “Becky Sherrick Harks” and this, Pranksters, is who you get. If you were to come over to my house for a Sausage Party this summer, you’d meet me, who is just as I am here. Except for more devastatingly beautiful.

People want to feel a connection with someone else. They get that when they feel like they really know the writer.

So blog authentically and do it for yourself. The comments, the praise, the awards, the love, those all come later. Or not at all.

If you want to throw your neck out there (and you should), you have to accept that no one may ever read your blog. It’s not your fault, it’s not because you’re a bad writer, sometimes the worst blogs get the most comments*** because that’s just the way it is. It’s not 2001 any longer, the Internet isn’t a new place and blogs aren’t the new pink.

So get over it.

Do I sound harsh? I’m practicing tough love. I love you, you know that, but you need to accept that no one may ever love you like I do, and move on, okay? Because are you doing this for fame? Fortune? Because I am actually a Nigerian Prince. Please be sending me your bank account information to aunt.becky.sucks@gmail.com

It was 4 months before I got a comment here and 6 before I got on a blogroll. That was 4 solid months of commenting until my fingers bled broke into tiny nubs. Feel better now?

So blog for yourself, not for the huddled masses.

You’re never going to please everyone, so you might as well give up now. Some people will say that you’re too swear-ful, some people will say your posts are too long, others will say your posts are too short. Some will find you too crass or too mind-bendingly dull. It’s just a matter of personal tastes. Opinions are like assholes (presumably because everybody’s got one), and you may as well give up trying to please everyone because it’s simply not possible.

Haters be hatin’ and they can eat a hot bowl of dicks****.

Comments are the best way to make friends. Yes, I said friends. Because I have a theory that half of all subscribers are robots or aliens (since I never see them) and the rest are my friends. May as well make some yourself. One can never have too many friends.

There is a lot of wonderful kindness in the blog world, and you should revel in it when some is thrown your way, but you should never, ever expect it. No blogger is obligated to help another. If you remember that, it will help clear up many hurt feelings.

Do it because you love it. It’s supposed to be fun, not work.

Write hard, Pranksters. Write hard.

And here, My Band of Merry Pranksters, is where I turn my comments to you. Please, tell us what you have found out about blogging.

*two

**deep thoughts, by Aunt Becky

***see: https://mommywantsvodka.com

****deep thoughts, by Aunt Becky.