Travel Advice From Your Aunt Becky
As we all know, Your Aunt Becky is absolutely not a leading authority on anything…except traveling. Not because I am very good at it – no – but because I am very bad at it.
1) Whenever possible, do NOT pack dismembered human remains in your suitcase. And if you do, make certain that you check that bag. The TSA will certainly have a problem with dismembered body parts in your carry-on (like they’re going to DO anything now that they’re dead)
8 ) Do not bother paying extra money for the “extra space” or “premium seating.” Instead, loudly discuss your bowel movements – in chronologic order – with your seatmates. They will be clamoring to change seats within five minutes.
27) Get fully intoxicated before you get on the plane to avoid paying the exorbitant costs of those wee bottles of liquor.
64) Once entirely wasted and in the air, start a dance party with your fellow cabinmates. Winner gets your extra bag of dinky pretzels.
125) If your seatmates haven’t left after you’ve loudly discussed your poo, begin to regale them with stories of your fake dead cat, Mr. Sprinkles.
216) Eat as much garlic as possible at Sbarros before boarding the plane. The rest of the cabin will REALLY appreciate the smell of garlic as it wafts out of all of your orifices.
343) Wear particularly loose pants, so when you have to take off your belt at the TSA line, they fall down, exposing your glitter thong that reads “JUICY” on the back.
512) Ask to see the cockpit and when they show you the cabin, ask where the pit is with all the cocks.
729) Sing along with your iPod as loudly. Especially if you’re tone deaf. If you don’t know the words, simply hum them loudly. When the flight attendant asks you to keep it down, tell her that singing is part of your religion.
1000) When you’ve finally reached your destination, block the aisle and rearrange your luggage, saying, “I KNOW THAT DEAD CAT IS IN HERE SOMEWHERE.”
1331) If you should board a plane with screaming babies or crying children, make sure to go up to the parents and stare at them while they try to soothe the child. They’ll appreciate that. It’ll help ’em know you care.
1728) Whenever you use the bathroom, make sure to come out and exclaim loudly, “I never knew corn could look so beautiful!” alternately “Anyone have a camera? This poo looked like Abraham Lincoln!”
2197) Do not shower for many days prior to departure. The extra layer of skin will help protect you from the stanky germs living on the seats.
2744) If anyone asks you to do anything you disagree with, simply tell them you cannot because it’s “part of your religion.”
3375) If your seatmates are still not put off by the discussion of your poo or your fake dead cat, begin weeping. Loudly. Refuse to talk about it. It may get you bumped up to first class!
4096) Wear a strap-on through security. If flashing your fellow passengers isn’t awesome enough, now you’ll confuse them. Forever. Plus, the TSA will be scared and let you through the line as quickly as possible.
4913) Tell the TSA agent that you’re really looking forward to some “hot TSA action today.” That should both perplex and horrify them.
5832) “If you’re roadtripping to your destination, it’s always best to bring a friend. They won’t take over driving when you get tired, but since they’re asleep, you can keep shaking them awake periodically and telling them it’s their turn to pay for gas. Again. Cheap road trips are worth sleep deprivation
Ha! You should wear the dirty socks I just mailed you!
Damn…now I wish I was going somewhere…and sitting close enough to overhear your tales, but far enough to not smell the garlic!
22D – is that you?!
🙂
LOVE Aunt Becky, LOVEEEEEE!!!!
Also, do NOT wear a shirt that says “Please remain calm” in big letters. TSA does NOT take kindly to that. Even if underneath it says “There’s no use both of us being hysterical at the same time”.
If I may add one:
When on the plane, refer to anything you like as “the bomb!”
Re: #343.
The older you are, the better it works. 😮
And 4096 guarantees a cavity search if you’re a guy.
I love how your numbers are just as random as ever. This list is funny and I will remember all of your tips when we fly out to Orlando this fall.
They’re cubes. 1^3=1, 2^3=8, 3^3=27, …
Ugh, I will be flying with my 10 year old next Friday…I will try to keep these in mind!! Bwahahahaha
OMG. When I imagine the face of the TSA agent feeling me up and then finally groping the strap-on, I wanna scream-cry. THAT right there was hysterical!
I love you for your list being square roots today.
Last time I took a plane, I was flying home from Montreal, and they have smoked meat there that is full of awesome. I bought my Dad some, and had it in my backpack, and was trying to get through security. I had almost forgotten it was there, when it was my turn to go through the beepy thing, and have my bags x-rayed.
All of a sudden, the x-ray stops, and the evil agent glares at me, and asks if “this” is my bag. I looked at it, totally flustered, and agreed that it was, and he wanted me to tell him what was in it. I was really confused, having forgotten about the smoked meat, and was listing every little thing, and all if I sudden I was oh yeah… and 5 lbs of smoked meat brisket… they let me go after that. I guess meat xrays funny… but Dad was thrilled to get it, and laughed his ass off wt my predicament.
Timely; I’ll be boarding a plane at 6:45 a.m. tomorrow; I’ll be remembering these!
I laughed until I cried…to bad I just flew home with my 2 yr old and 9 yr old…I could have had SUCH fun with this….
But then again, I made my own list by numbers divisible by 21, and they all involved the joys of flying with a 2 yr old and a 9 yr old. The best one is to make sure you are responsible for the youngest when going through security and NOT your mother who is only going to the gate to help you out. That way SHE will be the one chosen for a random pat down in front of a few dozen strangers staring at her, and not you with the 2 yr old.
I never get any hot TSA action. I feel so undesirable.
This is the Aunt Becky we know and love, but also we are happy only visits once a year.
I don’t know who deserves credit for this……
Harlequin Romance Novel, Version 2011
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
“Just relax.”
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking ‘No’ for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .
“Okay ma’am, you can board your flight now.”
Thank you ma’am for an excellent laugh. I would also add that on airplanes it is perfectly acceptable to put your knees up on the seat in front of you. After all, you pay for the space between the front of your seat and the back of the next one. YOU PAID FOR THAT KNEE-REST.
The strap-on comment made me spit my coffee out.
And, the last time I flew, and took off my belt, I was wearing a pair of ultra-comfy pants from my fatter days. They fell right down. I, unfortunately, wasn’t wearing a glittery thong reading “juicy,” but I will next time.
These are awesome solutions. When I had to travel back and forth between my home and my treamtment facility, i always just loudly commented to my dad, “I wonder how many times I’ll throw up on this flight. Wanna make a guess?” As long as the flight wasn’t packed, we had lots of room
My friend has an aunt who used to be retarded, but no one is retarded anymore. They didn’t suddenly get smarter. The name for the condition just changed. (Rosa’s Law) So now my friend has an aunt who’s cognitively disabled. Once the entire family was flying to Las Vegas for a family vacation. As the plane started to take off, my friend’s disabled aunt, who was probably about 35, started yelling out, “I’m gonna see Jesus now. We’re ALL gonna see Jesus now. We’re comin’ home, Jesus. We’re All comin’ home. Here we come, Jesus. I think I see you already, Jesus. I can see your eyeballs, Jesus. Now I can see your nose.”
The flight attendants aren’t supposed to leave their posts during takeoff, but they did. They were saying, “Ma’am, would you PLEASE stop shouting.” Other passngers were freaking out, like my friend’s aunt knew something that no one else did, like maybe there was a bomb on the plane or something. My friend was trying to explain to the attendants that her aunt was “special” but she couldn’t even talk because she was laughing so hard. The rest of the family was seated across the aisle. They were saying, “Monica, sshhh!” But they were laughing , too. My friend finally told the flight attendants that Monica would shut up if they would give her something to eat because she knew it was rude to talk with food in her mouth. They gave her one of those little snack boxes with cookies and a roll and fruit, so she finally syopped calling out greetings to Jesus. Sometimes it pays to be just a little bit special.
I love #512. I’ll have to remember that next time I fly.
Also, #4096 and #4913 both would have been useful on a daily basis when I worked at an airport several years ago. I had to pass through security every day. I swear they stole more things from me than I can count. Dirty TSA bastards.
Hot TSA action. Almost as stimulating as the kind you get at the DMV. At least most people at the airport shower, right?
aHHHHHH! Where are you? Are you travelling or ill? Need. Blog. Post.
1. Your name is pretty awesome. It’s probably the best fucking name on the planet. We should probably start a club called We Have the Best Name Ever and You Don’t. I’ll even let you be the Vice President.
2. These are travel tips to live by. EPIC.
3. My favorite tip 4096.
Yes, please another post! I can’t wait to get busted at work for reading this and chortling (yes, I said chortling) at my desk.
Your new BFF and President of We Have the Best Name Ever and You Don’t club,
Becca, because well there can only be one Aunt Becky.
Kristen, my email said you were replying to me. i can’t see any indication here that it was. Regardless, i’ll give you a link to my most recent blog. my computer privileges have been restricted.
http://alexisar.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-to-lose-friends-and-alienate-people.html
Alexis
With my husband being away for a year, I probably wouldn’t mind hot TSA action.
I know. Sad.
Aunt Becky has officially made my Yes-Fly Zone. She can sit next to me anytime. I like that naughty naughty hussy.
Sincerely,
Creepy guy on an airplane
Am I the only one who caught the fact that all your numbers were simply cubes of the standard integers? And have I just given myself away as 1) a giant dork and 8) an incredible know-it-all?
Halarious, the bits about TSA. Particularly funny to me because the TSA *freaks* everytime they see my husband coming. He is hispanic, and just had a kidney transplant…not sure why they always single him out but entertaining to watch them search and scan him every. single. time. 🙂
I just had to tell you that I read the majority of this list out loud to my husband and, while it may have been the sleep deprivation from having a one month old, he laughed hysterically. You are now approved by Dr. Man. 🙂
Just so you are aware…I would travel anywhere in the world with you! This is a traveler’s must do list!