The Serial Killer Next Door
This spring, I made a deliberate attempt at making my house look as though a couple of serial killers didn’t live here. The 70’s, you see, seemed to be a time of Great Bushes, and the people whom we had purchased our home from hadn’t bothered to *snort* take care of their Bushes. So we had a Bush Overgrowth. *cackles*
Bush-Gate 2010 was born and I removed all 2,083 of the overgrown bushes in an effort to convince the neighborhood that perhaps my house was not populated by Dexter’s Biggest Fans. (you get your whore hands off my television husband)
And yet now, six months later, I ordered my groceries PeaPod AND attempted to use “dry” shampoo (turns out it’s bullshit) because I am so infirm. My skin is turning a milky-shade of white as I have been stuck on the couch, my muscles atrophying into puddles of goo. No longer can I say, “WHICH WAY TO THE GYM?” then kiss my arms as I flex.
Oh no.
I am a slug. A cockroach. An OLD PERSON. If I fell, I couldn’t get up. I need one of those Life Alert things. (much as one of my Pranksters suggested)
More than that, I’m afraid that my neighbors will think that I’ve been chopped up into tiny bits and shoved down the garbage disposal because they haven’t seen me. Every time the phone rings, I figure it’s the cops investigating a possible homicide at my residence. You know, since Becky Sherrick Harks hasn’t been seen in nearly two weeks and even had groceries delivered (I hate ordering PeaPod).
I may not be particularly smart OR handy, but I am the person who is outside puttering around and staring at the car, willing whatever problem its having (JOHN C MAYER) to be fixed by sheer mental power alone. I’ll stand there staring, waiting until the solution jumps out at me, or my neighbor comes and points out out. I’ll let YOU guess which comes first.
So for me not to be outside at all is troublesome.
I’d guess that the neighborhood is going to be covered with HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PERSON? signs soon. Not because I’m popular, just because if someone goes missing in your neighborhood, do you REALLY want to say, “Oh, I did NOTHING about it?”
No. No you do not.
There will be a search of the neighborhood, I’d bet and maybe even some of those rescue body dogs. Hopefully the dogs will uncover another murder since I am not actually dead. Merely pasty and slug-like.
Eventually, one of the kids will inform the search parties, or the weeping “WHY GOD WHY” ladies that have never known me, yet feel compelled to cry at my “death” that I am not exactly dead, merely bored and stuck on the couch.
The search people will be mad, of course, but really, who do they have to blame but themselves?
I would have told them I wasn’t dead or missing.
When they schedule the candle vigil/hymn singing, let me know. I don’t want to miss that.
You’d best be ON MY FUCKING LAWN singing to me, bitch. 🙂
Bitch please. I will so be there with extra candles and hymnals and directing the high school band in Amazing Grace.
Can I come, too?
It’s lonely over here.
p.s. you kinda look like Jamie Lynn Sigler in that pic.
You’ll have to hire a personal trainer to firm up that hot bod of yours.
Love the hat! lol. Let me guess, It’s because you still don’t have the hang of that dry shampoo?
BTW, the garbage disposal won’t handle the body, the bones will jam it up. Better to use the wood chipper that you must have needed to get rid of all those bushes. Just sayin’.
Just don’t spread the remains over where the bushes used to be…that shit is like amazing fertilizer. Or…so I’ve heard?
NO WAY. Well…
I MEAN. SHIT. I meant NOTHING.
Oh, I love that picture – gosh, Amelia looks JUST like her momma – that photo sealed the deal.
On a side note, enjoy the down time as much as possible – the holidays are coming and if you’re anything like us – it’s non-stop chaos.
Can we get the band back together to hold a special fund raising event?
I think we should all chip in ALL to host fundraisers. WAIT. I’M NOT DEAD.
okay, so how long does this cockroach phase last? i’m starting to feel like i should spend all day in bed or on my couch in sympathy. not that my days involve anything superexciting or earth shatteringly amazing. i mostly sit on my ass in front of my computer, or sit on my ass on my couch, or get off my ass to cook something.
but really. how long? and do you still have those drains?
MOTHERFUCKING DRAINS. I am supposed to get them out today. HOPEFULLY.
This is fantastic. I imagine many of these scenarios myself when I am sick cause I know the neighborhood revolves around me. Cause come on why would it not?
But if a few of my neighbors went missing I’d probably know why and I’d be the person that never said a word. Cause I was happy they were gone. Cause my neighbors are annoying yo.
Now let us hope your website will allow me to post my comments. Last week I had a brilliant comment to the Glamorous post and your whore site wouldn’t allow it. It crushed me honestly.
You are rockin the shit outta that white streak in your hair. Is that deliberate or just God’s way of fancifying you, cause I’m kind of jealous here. Sorry you’re so immobile, that rather sucks. Are the headaches any better?
Both. I have one already and I highlight it. I am a supervillian.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Becky, kyle johnson. kyle johnson said: RT @mommywantsvodka: If I am missing or dead or at least missing: http://mommywantsvodka.com/the-serial-killer-next-door […]
Dry shampoo is bullshit!
Hang in there! Maybe you can catch some episdoes of I Was Pregnant and Didn’t Know It. That shit is PRICELESS!!
So, you have me thinking, maybe this surgery isn’t for me. Is it a total bitch or what? Would you do it again if you knew about the pain and the general state of cockroachness?
I would do it again. I would also PREPARE myself for how much recovery sucks balls.
dude – as long as there is hand wringing, I’m in. I’m *good* at hand wringing.
Can we picket? I love picketing. We’ll make posterboard signs with your face that read “Have you seen this bitch?” and march up and down your street.
GOOD CALL. I’m kinda hoping there’s a war between the picketers and the hand-wringers.
But I swing both ways lol
I want a picket sign that I can put down for appropriate songs and hand wringing.
Hey – dry shampoo. You’ve gotta get the “clear” kind made for platinum blonds. It dries clear…ish. It’s the best I’ve found. I use it after I workout at lunch but don’t feel like showering before going back to work. Because I have that little respect for my co-workers. Get better soon!
(you get your whore hands off my television husband)
hahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahah
Ahem. Ok. I’m done. My TV husband is McSteamy just in case you wanted to know.
Oh and I’m so there if we picket.
When I move to your neighborhood, I am TOTALLY grocery shopping for you. And washing your hair. Is that creepy?
Work it girl! My neighbors wouldn’t notice if I were missing….um…EVER!!!
You live in the Chicago suburbs. Your neighbors just assume that you defaulted on your mortgage and pulled out all the bushes as a “fuck you” to the lender. Now, they figure you’ve finished trashing the place and left in the middle of the night. Which sucks, because activities on my Tuesday nights are slim, and hand-wringing gatherings sound like fun.
Okay … at least you don’t live in the woods like I do. If I were to get murdered by a serial killer … there wouldn’t be a point in flyers because there is A) Nowhere to put them and B) No one around to see them.
Although I guess I have to admit that I am just as likely to get mauled by a bear as I am a serial killer … we have some WEIRDOS up here.
Glad you’re feeling better and look at that photo of you! So pretty… *jealous*
That photo is from this summer. If it were from now I’d be all *COCKROACHY* on your ass.
What is the reward if we find you?
I won’t believe until until I see that mug on the side of a milk carton. or do they only do that for kids? maybe adults at least get a poster at the post office?
I wonder if we can do that…or at the very least, one of those HAVE YOU SEEN ME? ads.
I better clear up my schedule every Tuesday…
I thought you lived in Whizzer’s house? Are you trying to tell me that Whizzer was a serial killer? OMG, that sounds like Fuzzy Wuzzy, doesn’t it? “Whizzy Whizzer was a Killer…” But not nearly as amusing as telling people you live in the Whizzer of Oz.
BWAHAHAHA!
My house!
*laughs*
MY HOUSE IS YELLOW.
You know, just as well as I do, Dexter would never allow unruly bushes.
*swoons* I love Dexter.
See, if I lived near you, there would be no question about you being alive. I would totally write out a list of assignments for my homeschooling oldest and Gabe and I would come over and Party with you and the little ones.We’d have such a rocking party that all the neighbors would come knocking to see if they can join in.
Get your ASS over here NOW!
Dear Aunt Becky, O Beloved Tough Bitch of Our Hearts,
What is UP with the BASSETT HOUND photo? You look irresisibly youthful and sweet…it’s positively disturbing, knowing you as we do.
I for one don’t want anything to do with the creepy “bush removal” effort, but am happy to stand by, drink vodka and tonic, laugh in a knowing sort of way, and speculate on the possibility of bodies buried under the so-called-former “bushes”.
Love,
Angie at Eat Here
Bwahahahaha! I really hope you show up to (at the very least) laugh and point.
Also: that picture was taken this summer. WORLD CUP GEAR, BABY.
man, that sucks!!!
I am rarely seen outside the house. My own, anyway. I could be rotting for weeks before anyone would notice. I’m not sure how I feel about that, honestly.
My friend, when she realized that she could be eaten by my fake cat Mr. Sprinkles, without anyone noticing, was horrified.
Dry shampoo is bullshit! Sure, it makes my hair smell better but the greasy mess laughs at the dry shampoo and over powers it. Not to mention if makes my hair feel like paper.
So, while your neighbors are putting up “have you seen….” signs will you be pointing and laughing out the window?
Love this blog!
I’ll be blitzed on the couch and somehow won’t notice. That will make it ALL THE MORE HILARIOUS when the picket party and hand-wringers show up.
I’ll be all, WTF? Want a cookie? And they’ll be all, YOU WERE DEAD, YOU ASSHOLE.
When I had shoulder surgery, and couldn’t stand it anymore, I actually had my husband wash my hair. This may not sound like much… except my hair, at the time was juuuust about waist length… he also had to learn how to use a scrunchie, and if I was daring enough I asked him to braid it. I was in an immobilizer for 6 weeks… surgery was on my dominant arm… cockroachness ensued… learning how to wipe myself lefty? THAT was challenging.
ZOMG. You poor thing. I now? HAVE SO MUCH MORE SYMPATHY FOR WHAT IT WAS REALLY LIKE.
See, I always would have FELT bad, but now? I GET IT. BLECH.
I will be watching to see if you show up on the news… People will be leaving flowers en mass on your front lawn, holding candlelight vigils outside, crying softly to each other… all while you get to watch from the comfort of your couch! Your kids will have to go to (more) therapy… I will have to pass on the hymn singing, I cant sing to save my life…. But im all in for the picketing,,,
We can do a picket line, too, I think. That will give it a perfect air of controversy. People love a good controversy.
Better than a good soap opera death, I think.
You are sick and twisted in such a likeable way!
Have you seen this!!? Totally awesome. I am so sad the last episode of Dexter is almost here 🙁
http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/video/michael-c.-hall-christmas-song-12-7-10/1263973
You know they now have dogs trained to find slugs AND couch potatoes…