The Perils of Number Two
So today, Pranksters, I have a guest post from Team Mandy from Harper’s Happenings. She’s also on Twitter, here. Not only is she hilarious, but I also MET her in NYC and gave her one of my Shut Your Whore Mouth Shirts before we went to Sparklecorn/Prom, which is awesome. Because she wore it. See? I tweeted this last night, so if you are seeing it again and annoyed, FORGIVENESS (even if, even if, you don’t looooove me anymore).
I’m thinking of making a Flickr page for anyone who buys these shirts so we can all revel in our awesomeness. Thoughts? I HAVE a public Flickr account, and we can totally be BFF but they just marked me as Adult Content, even though my account is LITERALLY pictures of my kids and not nekkid boobies or anything.
So, if you want to see me, you have to change your settings. WHATEVER.
ALSO, Mushroom Printing is UP, yo. Ready for ACTION.
Now, onto the action.
——————-
so this one time i was attempting to shop for a dress for BlogHer (because seriously? goldfish crackers deeply encrusted into jeans and whatnot doesn’t scream “new york city!”. at all.) and looked at my phone to see a message from our very own Aunt Becky. it read “hey slore. want to guest post for me sometime?”. after i promptly gagged (think dumb and dumber), i responded calling her a slag. so yeah, here we are. romantic, no?
to say i have romantic feelings towards our Aunt Becky would be like saying i only slightly dislike the shift key. i hate the shift key. i pink puffy sparkly with unicorn farts on top HEART Aunt Becky. hence? the gagging.
(unicorn farts smell like samoa girl scout cookies and chris cornell’s freshly washed hair, obviously. well at least my unicorn’s farts do. your unicorn’s may smell different. moving on.)
speaking of farts (i’m all class, folks. all class), i thought i’d share a story from back in the day that i have tried hard to remove from my memory – because of the level of embarrassment – but that is damn funny looking back. hold on to your undies, Pranksters (if i may call you that), because this one is full of the awesome. at least for people who it didn’t happen to.
when i was 22 i was having some digestive issues. i was often feeling sick to my stomach, and i was missing a lot of work because of it. my age automatically threw me into the “maybe she should lay off the sauce and come to work” category with my co-workers, but that wasn’t the case (for the most part – i mean i did my fair share of one dollar vodka sour nights at the local crap bar). i finally decided to go to the urgent care to see what was up. after an x-ray thingy of my insides, the doctor proclaimed what my family had always been telling me – “you’re full of shit”.
(can we take a moment to focus on what a kick ass doctor he was? because he really said that.)
“when was the last time you had a bowel movement?”, he asked.
after thinking for a while i was all “last week? two weeks ago?”.
turns out that is NOT normal. who knew? well not me, because for me it was the norm. awful right? pooping is the best. and i was being deprived! so with some powdery stuff to make me shit and a referral to a special poop doctor (i’m positive that is what their documents say), i was off.
my first trip to my special poop doctor was a little nerve wracking to say the least. i mean, i was young, embarrassed, and going to a doctor who was going to only talk to me about the function of my butt hole. as i sat in the waiting room i felt like the other patients were looking at me like, “wonder what up with her butt hole”, which made me want to scream “YOUR BUTT HOLE IS HERE TOO DUDES!”.
my special poop doctor was a very sweet indian woman with a pretty thick accent. i liked her right away, except for her use of the words anus, feces, and bowel movement. i mean i get it, you’re a doctor so you have to use the technical terms, but really lady, this would be more comfortable for me if you’d just say butt hole, shit or poop. i mean honestly.
she asked me all kinds of questions about my eating habits (which clearly did not include enough fiber) and junk, and a bunch of weird questions that i answered uncomfortably. then she was all “have you ever looked at your anus with a mirror?”.
i wanted to yell “WHAT KIND OF POOP DOCTOR ARE YOU, YOU SICKO!”, but refrained and answered, “um, no”. BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY, NO.
“the reason i ask is because you could have (insert medical term) around your anus and that can be causing you to not feel the urge to take a BM”. she said in her thick accent.
“oh. um, yeah i’ve never done that. should i?”, i asked, knowing what her answer would be.
“yes. just use a mirror and look for anything out of the ordinary”.
“sure, ok, i will do tha…”
“you know what? since you’re here, let’s just look now. the restroom is right across the hall, i will meet you in there”.
WAIT WHAT? i started to sweat. my hands got sticky. my heart was beating fast. this is not what i signed up for! i just want to poop like a normal person, not put my BH on display for some perfect stranger (who at this point i had decided i now hated). i tried to stall, come up with reasons i just couldn’t show her my butt hole today, but before i knew it, she had ushered me over to the ladies room and told me to holler when i was ready.
ready? ready for you to come examine my poop shoot? yeah, you’ll be waiting for a while lady. and why am i in a bathroom? can’t you look at it in the exam room? what the DUECE is going on here?!
soon my fears were realized as she came in (did i say i was ready? NO) and explained to me she could only see the (insert medical term here) if i was pushing like i was going poop. phenomenal. this is why we’re in the bathroom. you guys, i had to sit on the toilet, lean forward in a way so that she could see my dumper and then push as if i was taking a shit. WHILE A LITTLE INDIAN LADY WAS LOOKING.
i will never in my life forget being bent over that toilet, pants at my ankles, and being told “it’s ok if you fart”. practically face first into the tile, the most exposed i had ever been (later this story would be laughable as i pooped on a table having my daughter) and trying not to crap on an indian lady.
if i can give you any advice, Pranksters, it would be to EAT YOUR FIBER. eat your fiber hard.
excuse my pun here, but oh holy crap. that may be the absolute best poop story i’ve ever heard. and i have 3 brothers, so i’ve heard my fair share of poop stories. going to follow you twitter now, simply because you have a good poop story.
i love puns. please, pun away. especially when involving poop. :]
Um, I love this post. Like pink puffy sparkly with unicorn farts on top love that you said “pooping is the best.”
pooping IS the best. it’s like christmas!
ok that is about the funniest thing I have heard in ages!!
also, my 4 year old was diagnosed with the same thing & the ER doc says “I know no mother wants to hear her son is full of shit but look at this xray.”
oh man, you can totally use that against him in the teen years. thanks for reading!
OMG. I thought this post was going to be about the perils of having a second child. I am totally traumatized now. Although it was pretty hilarious. I laughed out loud at the part where she tells you it’s okay to fart. But seriously- I wonder what atttracts one to this profession??
Anyways, I should be going now to consume large quantities of fiber.
please do. all the fiber you can get your hands on.
I’m not reading any more blog posts today. YOU WIN! Love it!
I WIN! I WIN! yessssssss.
i also thought this was going the second-child route. touche.
xo.
I am dying! This is the most fabulous story of all time! Seriously! And you, you brave lady, just spreading your ass cheeks for all of us for our reading pleasure. Becky did a stellar thing for the universe asking you to post.
I have also had some digestive issues. I had a doctor tell me after an MRI that my intestines were as backed up as the LA freeway at rush hour. Poop humor. I guess they have to get their jollies somewhere, since they spend their days looking at poopers and telling people it’s ok to fart in their face.
aw thanks! can you imagine their dinner parties? puns flying left and right.
This AMAZING story reminds of a wonderful bumper sticker I saw earlier this week. ‘If you catch me speeding, it is probably because I have to SHIT.’ I laughed the whole drive home.
yay for fiber – or in my case, massive amounts of coffee.
Bwahahaha. Fiber One Bars = Fart Bars = Poo Bars.
that is hilarious, since i wish diarrhea on people who cut me off.
Wow, that is totally my new thing to wish on people who cut me off. (Ya know, rather than bombs & whatnot.)
Great story, btw!
That’s funny, but it’s the story of my life. I was born constipated and I remain constipated to this day. I have been that way for over 40 years. I am curious what if anything you ever did to remedy your once a week pooping issues? I’m going to have to find some ppl to guest post on my blog b/c I thought I was the only person who blogged out poop and shitting. I blogged about trying to d a colon cleanse. It didn’t turn out too well. I found out what the word SHART meant during that week. 🙂
i was put on IBS meds for a few years, which did help. these days i use myrilax (or the target version) every few days in my coffee (double whammy). really i should just get back on the meds, but no insurance (goooo america!). and sharts? are never good. but always funny.
A bathroom, and a mirror. Are you sure she was a doctor?
ick.
“it’s okay if you fart” and Laura Jane practically pisses herself in laughter. Because of you I now have this strange urge to look at my butt hole in a mirror… Just kidding.
not really.
I’m going to say that ALL DAY LONG. It’s worse than the time I heard the NPR SNL skit about Sweaty Balls. I quoted that for WEEKS.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA to both of you.
OMG…I don’t seem to have that problem. Got my gallbladder removed five years ago, and if I ever don’t poo for more than two days, Micky D’s greasy cheeseburgers do the trick. I eat a couple, and twenty minutes later, I’m in the bathroom, feeling o-so-much-better! I know that’s really tmi, but after this story, I’m GLAD I can go! Definitely cured my fear of going anywhere but home…don’t exactly have that option now!
You fuckin rock.
my husband has the perfect poop schedule and i hate him for it. any kind of poop issues blow. ::snicker::
This is funnier than shit! (see what I did there?!…it’s a play on words)
I was just laughing out loud. Thanks for making my day by reliving your poo-perils. Way to take one for the team, Mandy. You really are all class!
I cannot wait to counter this with my poo-story on Monday. Thanks, Mandy.
oh man that’s awesome and awful simultaneously!
I had to go to an Indian lady who specialized in poop tracts once. she made me get a colonoscopy. I was only 27. and it was a horrid experience.
i left out the part of the story where she sent me to get one after this appointment. all the other people there were old and it was way traumatizing. true story, i came to in the middle of it and they were all talking about laminate wood flooring. i drunkenly told them ikea had the best prices and went back to sleep.
let’s not even discuss the process the day before a colonoscopy, right?
Got my first at 22. God, I live on the EDGE.
becky, we’re like colonoscopy twinsies.
Wow. That’s kind of traumatizing…I don’t know what I would be afraid of most after that…bathrooms, mirrors, pooping, eating, or sweet Indian lady doctors.
most of it. indian ladies at the top of the list.
I’m scared of everything. And everyone. HOLD ME.
LOL, I have had this problem. Usually when away from home though. When I am home, its always the mad dash. IBS is FUN!
Hilarious story. I hate when people are looking at my pooper.
pooper peepers are the worst.
Really?
Are they truly worse than party poopers?
‘Cause at least pooper peepers are going to leave you with a good story.
Wait, am I the only one who judges all interactions based on how humorous they’ll be to relate later?
Never-mind then.
That’s probably the worst job I can think of.
but they CHOOSE it.
So did you fart? & did YOUR fart smell like unicorn farts? that’s what i wanna know! lol.
no farts. god i would have died on the spot.
I HAVE THIS PROBLEM TOO. i also think pooping is probably the most awesome process ever. I was told only pooping once every week or two was unhealthy by a guy who poops at least 3 times a day. Needless to say… I AM BEYOND JEALOUS.
I’m gonna use your story as a diagnosis so i don’t have to deal with a pooper peeper.
It’s MY pooper, dammit.
i get jealous of my husband daily.
pretty sure i cried and snorted. love you!
love you kerri!
I can barely breathe from laughing with all the unicorn farts, poop is the best, and it’s okay if you fart. Sigh. Going to follow you on Twitter now because anyone who had to show the BH to a little Indian woman is totally worth following.
glad you enjoyed it! i’m just glad i can laugh about it now. and you know, share it with the internet.
Errh, yeah…
Well first, that was one good story, and I’m so glad you got that out of your system. Honest.
My problem is not at all of that magnitude, but sometimes disturbing. See, I had hemorrhoids – now surgically removed. So when I needed to go, I couldn’t. So poop would fill the last little bit of gut just before the sphincter, and kind of dilate the tissue. So, still it’s hard, because the poop doesn’t take the main street out, but rather turns into the dead end just beside (kind of towards the vagina…)
I suppose I could have more surgery, to tighten my butt hole insides, but what’s a girl to do?
My solution is to wrap my fingers in toilet tissue, place them at the vagina opening, and push back against the poop, to help it find its righ way out. So, I’m not touching poop, actually, just myself (hehe, but not in a really stimulating way, sadly).
Thanks for being so open, I think you help taking the taboo out of sensitive issues!
Maybe I’ll tell you my name another time, but this wouldn’t be appreciated by family, I suppose, if they knew. I think.
Bwahahaha! I’ll have to rebust out an old story for you. You’ll love it.
oh man! my supersorry condolences to your butthole!
Personally I can’t stop shitting. My asshole is liquidating like it’s about to go out of business. But enough about me. I have to get on over to your blog because this shit was funny.
i feel there is no happy medium with shitting. which is really unfortunate, no?
I think the universe just wants us to be grateful when the plumbing works. That’s why it’s rare, like a shooting star.
It’s totally a blue moon thing.
OMG. ROFL!! I’m so following you now.
This was great. Totally made my Friday.
I had to take my husband to have a scope done of his stomach right before we got married. The recovery area for colonoscopies and the stomach scopings were all in the same room together. There was an old man waking up, ripping a fart, and then telling a fart joke, ripping a fart, and then telling a fart joke. It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard, and my husband slept through the whole thing.
Dude. I wish you’d taken video.
that is AMAZING. i barely remember, but i do know i sat in a chair farting and giggling in a half drugged stupor whilst my mom looked on in awe? amazement? embarrassment?
omg. best story ever. you always make me laugh. also, i need one of those shirts. i’ve been saying “shut your whore mouth” lately and everyone loves it. i say “courtesy of aunt becky bitches!”
Bwahahaha! If you get one (which make your boobs look fabulous for some reason), totally send a picture. They look amazing.
ahhh…the poop stories. Love it, and I can only imagine your horror. FYI, my Unicorns fart rainbows that smell like marshmellows. Seriously. Happy weekend!
fuck yeah unicorns!
Okay, I just burst out laughing at work, which is making it hard to pretend I’m just sitting here filling out permissions requests.
Basically, what I’m saying is you’re going to get me fired.
Are you happy now?
She’s happy. I know her. She’s gloating now.
::gloats::
BEST. STORY. EVER. I am seriously crying right now.
::passes tissue::
FOR THE TEARS.
i laughed even harder at this than when mandy told me the story in person several years ago. probably because of seeing the words “poop chute” written in plain english.
HOLY FUCKLES BEST BLOG POST EVER.
i love both of you! hugs & happy pooping!
~em
and then emily swoops in the with the correct spelling of poop chute. DAMN.
love you mama!
oh man, that is the best thing I think I have ever read! So sorry you had to go thru all that, but super glad I got to read about it! Thanks for sharing. One question though, what happened when you were preggers? I know that shut things right up for me, I couldn’t imagine it being much worse than once every few weeks!
doubled up on the fiber, and poop softeners (stool is another word that is not ok to say). my first poop after birth is a whole notha’ story in itself. pure torture.
OMFG, Mandy! If I wasn’t already wise and advanced enough to love you before, I sure as shit would now. Heh
I had an *ahem* “issue” with a… blood-like substance coming from the area you mentioned when I dropped the kids off at the pool. Went to the walk-in clinic (read: place where anyone can go to see random doctor of the day) because it was after hours and I was freaked the hell out. Guess who got a SURPRISE! rectal exam? From a complete stranger (DOCTOR, perv)? Yeah. Not fun. Or funny.
EXIT ONLY, DAMMIT.
exit motherfuckin’ only is right my friend.
motorboats, gina!
First off, I would have had a nervous breakdown if a doctor wanted to specifically look at my asshole. The only think that would have made it worse for me was if she had wanted to do it IN THE BATHROOM.
Secondly, Becky you look like you’re twelve in that picture. Which is mucho awesome!
one of the scariest moments of my life.
Ok. I only poop once a week or so. And now I’m concerned that everyone who speaks to me might be right…I might actually *be* full of shit. CRAP! But, after reading this, I’d prefer to never really know for sure. And also, my hubs-to-be can never EVER EVER read this.
fiber, SERIOUSLY.
Fiber. And *WATER*. Fiber without water will turn to cement, right? Right.
In the 6 months since I’ve been introduced to this wonderful community of Lady Bloggers (I know, I’m late to fuckingeverything), I have laughed and cried *points finger at Aunt Becky* and more than anything, I have realized that there are lots o’ smart, funny, sweet, crazy bitches that live in my computer…so, welcome to my ‘hood. And really, how could I not feel the love for “Team Mandy?” XO
team mandy is the best team. so glad to be living in YOUR computer!
Team Mandy is freaking amazing.
OMG this was THE BEST PART of my day!! I am shaking with laughter, trying to be quiet ’cause I don’t want to have to read this to my 14 year old who will come in saying, “What are you laughing at Mom, let me see?” No. He does not need to hear about your BH.
How shallow of me is it that this has probably been the best post I have ever read by anybody? Why is it that I took such pleasure from hearing about your BH?
i do thank you for not discussing my BH with your son. really, thank you.
i’m so glad my misfortune has brought you joy. it’s why i write. thanks for reading!
OMG. My butthole was in suspense the ENTIRE time we were reading this. Did you fart, friend?
was it puckered?
no farts. i guess that was the upside to being so backed up. couldn’t even squeeze a fart out. thank GAWD.
Hold her close, girl. HOLD HER CLOSE.
Funny poop story!!
Aunt Becky I love mushroom printing and can’t wait to get “shroomed.”
Dorothy
My teenage daughter was officially diagnosed with too much shit also.
And let me tell you . . . she did not take it well!
you can imagine my family’s jokes. jerks.
i want one of those shirts- gonna save up for one
Oh my god I almost died reading this! I can’t believe you had to do that. I would have died. Mine poo story isn’t quite as bad.
Once, my doctor thought I had appendicitis after I was up all night with LRQ pain…all my symptoms fit, and I have Celiac Disease which can cause lots of poo buildup. Well…I go in for the CT scan, drink this vile dye, and go home again. When my doctor calls me he says:
“No appendicitis! You are (literally) full of poop!”
It was quite a moment for me. Later we found out, I DID have an ovarian cyst. So it wasn’t JUST the poo. But now I know that having Celiac disease means I will occasionally be full of shit.
so glad i’m not the only one who was full of it.
So excellent. Love it. Did you read my hemorrhoid story? It wasn’t MY hemorrhoid, but still, it’s a hemorrhoid story. Go read my post called Nether Regions; you’ll know why I wanted you to when you’re about 3/4 of the way through!
You’re brave. I’m pretty sure I would have made an excuse and run away!
that is one of THEE best stories i’ve EVER read. you rock my socks off.
When I saw this poop post I KNEW it would generate lots of comments! And all I can think about is the beans, beans song!
super stoked i hadn’t eaten beans before that. although if i had, probably wouldn’t have needed to be there in the first place.
Since we have the same name, may I share some of your Awesomeness? This story is hilariously written. Great job.
well duh! and thanks!
Let’s be honest here: I have had that same problem ever since I was a little kid and I still have it.I know, way TMI. But now thanks to this horrifying(and hysterical)post, I shall never stop eating fiber and so my problem shall be gone and I won’t ever have to go to a poop doctor. Thanks Mandy. hahaha
OMG. I am crying from laughing. I’m so sorry you had to experience this. But thank you. Thank you so much for sharing.
Oh god! As someone who’s had the whole range of “digestive issues” her whole life…I CAN RELATE!
Constipated baby, IBS as a teen, Gallstones and Gallbladder removal in my 20s. FUN TIMES!
With all those issues, I’ve never been to a regular poop doc. I’ve been on IBS meds, then was self medicating with laxatives, fiber pills, colon cleansers. THIS CLOSE to shoving an enema up my booty.
I knew that with all my stomach pains that I could handle labor, and I was right! I have poop cramps every 4 days or so (ya know, when I go) that could rival any labor pain…seriously. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Specially after a trip to the Midwife office. It was an hour away (I’m a freak) and I hadn’t pooped in ummm…2 weeks maybe (I blame my preexisting issues with that special kind of pregnancy constipation!). Anyway, we were about half way there…on the Staten Island Expressway (it was in Brooklyn). I HAD TO GO! Seriously, was going to die if I didn’t. Went to Burger King. FUCKED the shit out of that bathroom. Thought I had the baby in the toilet bad. After that, I knew I could swing a regular old baby 😛
OMG I share tooooo much!
OH wait, I know why I was telling this story. I wanted to know how you fared while pregnant. Did you ever go? Because I didn’t!
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Becky, Mandy @ The Haps. Mandy @ The Haps said: for the evening folks, my guest post on @mommywantsvodka https://mommywantsvodka.com/the-perils-of-number-two […]
The BEST poop/butthole story bar none. You had me from the moment you claimed unicorn farts smell like samoa girl scout cookies and chris cornell’s freshly washed hair.
Wow, thanks for sharing that. It was truly awesome. It’s funny how all of us with poop issues are coming out of the woodwork now… who knew? I have several issues, first off I am mostly lactose intolerant. So before I figured this out (not until almost 30!!! and yes, I went to doctors, they’re dumb!) I spent my fair share of hours in the potty doubled over in pain that made me almost black out. Yay! So glad that’s over, dairy digestive pills (aka Lactaid) you are my hero!!!
Second,I used to only go once in a while except when I had the unknown dairy issue when I’d have liquid poop and crazy gas pain. So one doc suggested IBS but it was way back and they just said deal with it. Nice. When I got pregnant with my first, I had yet to figure out that fiber = the best thing ever. And those damn prenatal vitamins with all their constipating iron just made life unbearable. I swear I called my Ob-Gyn in tears because I had so much poop I thought I would die and I couldn’t get it out. Wondered how I was going to survive childbirth. But actually it wasn’t so bad, with the epidural! It was after that damn epidural wore off that I discovered what true pain was. And now my butt hole is ruined forever. Because I was blessed with a beautiful baby and killer hemorrhoids. Ugh!!!! They wanted me to have surgery on them but I told them to fuck off. I had enough pains in my ass, I really didn’t need stupid doctors digging around in there making it worse. And know what? My stubborn ass (with fiber as my best friend) healed myself. Now they are very minor and livable. Not that I haven’t shared enough here, but my darling son, when he was about 2 and 1/2 was diagnosed with being full of shit. We had to give him lots of enemas, not fun. All because he was motherfucking SCARED to go. He held it for two weeks and was stretching out his insides. I guess poop problems are just part of life in my family! Oy. Anyway, thanks again for sharing, makes me feel so much better. And I laughed my ass off!!!! <– my play on words. 🙂
I don’t know too many women who could talk shit like this and make it this freekin funny! Love the shirts and will commence blogstalking.
I haven’t checked in here in so long, and I’m so glad I did tonite. Fiber power baby.
Fiber FOR THE WIN!
Okay, and post that starts with goldfish and quickly moves on to the “special poop doctor” wins me over — you are right, eat your fibre boys and girls!
I so LOVE that Whore Mouth shirt!!! Next year, Blogher is finally in my neck of the woods, so I will plan on meeting you to get all “Aunt Beckified” and bask in your wisdom and glory while we share good Margaritas and Mexican food in Old Town San Diego, and hit up Frederick’s of Hollywood in Horton Plaza. After we visit, it will be known as “Whoreton Plaza” though.
If you ever have to go back to the peeper of poopers, the titan of tooterholes, the ruler of rectums….please ask her (a la Mike Myers from SNL), “Are you looking at my bum? You cheeky monkey!”
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I’m pretty sure Sweet Baby Jesus almost pissed himself reading that story. I know my stomach hurts (have no fear, I’ve crapped twice today)(just kidding… maybe), I have tears streaming down my face, and an urge to pee because I was laughing so damn hard.
Also, I shall now blogstalk you. Hard.
Isn’t she full of the win?