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The Nervous Breakdown Chronicles: The “D” Word

July10

My heart’s like an open book,
For the whole world to read.
Sometimes, nothing keeps me together
At the seams.

-Motley Crue

I’d been sitting there, on the edge on my couch, staring out into the cold, January night, where daylight appears to last ten minutes, the icicles shimmering happily in the streetlights, occasionally flipping through a trashy magazine, wondering when bone-skinny got to be the new black.

I finally stopping flipping through the pages and began to read when I got to the article wherein Giuliana Rancic was discussing her breast cancer (NOW you know how long ago this was), because, well, we Chicago girls stick together (Norrrtth SIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!). In the article, she discussed the treatment of her cancer, and how she’d been vacillating between one option and another.

The way she told the story, her husband, Bill, (North SIIIIIIDDDDDEEEE!) sat down and held her as he told her that she had to do what offered her the best chances at recovery and that he would be by her side, every step of the way; that he loved her and would love her no matter what.

That normally sweet sentiment would generally have one of two effects upon me:

Gag
*barfs*

Instead, I found myself weeping, alone, on a cold January night.

I wept, not for Giuliana Rancic, or her sweet husband, Bill, but for what might have been. I’d known for some time that Dave no longer loved me – it’s not the sort of sentiment like, “Hey honey, can you pick up some honey for my tea on your way home from work?” that you can forget. Those are words that cannot be unsaid and unheard, no matter how you try. And I did try, believe me, I did.

I remember my marriage counseling class, given by the church we were to be married in. The couples, we all sat around a long chipped table, covered in that hideous brown fake wood veneer, and I tried my hardest not to scribble out a “Becky Rules!” on an area in front of me that someone before me had peeled away the plastic covering, leaving an open white space that the former bad-ass I’d once been longed to fill.

I smiled about the serendipity of it all – I’d spent many years in that room as a child, practicing for this youth orchestra or that, and now, it felt I’d come full-circle, sitting there with my husband-to-be, listening to a dour old lady talk to us about conflict resolution, communication techniques, as well as filling out a personality inventory (which, for the record, gave me absolutely no insights into myself or Daver, it simply told me what I’d already known). I walked out of there, hand-in-hand with my fiance, our foot-falls echoing the hallways of the church, practically bouncing with smug superiority: I’d beaten the odds, gone from a single mother eking her way through nursing school, to having graduated with some variation of cum laude and now I was going to be a married lady. It wasn’t my life as I’d expected it, but here I was, and I was happy.

“Pshaw,” I remarked to Dave at one point, my superiority flag flying high. “WE won’t get divorced.” Like anyone steps up to the alter with the intention of later stepping up to a judge, saying, “Irreconcilable differences, Your Honor.”

But no. I was so fucking smug about it – I’d finally found the right man, a great father for my son, what could go wrong? He’d seen me at my worst – and I his, what more was there? Divorce happens to *waves hand* OTHER PEOPLE. Not to people like us.

Except here I was, sobbing stupidly into my People magazine, light years from where that smug 2o-something once stood, realizing that, not only does divorce happen to people like me, it has happened to us. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but I knew it was coming. Too many words unsaid or unheard, a chasm as wide as Soldier Field now separating us, there was nothing left to be done.

We’d spent some time in couple’s counseling (which came about after this), in which I learned that Dave had been carrying a backpack full of resentments toward me regarding things that had happened so many years before – those resentments led him to lash out at me, emotionally withdraw, clearly unsure of what to do with me. At one point he told me, “I can’t deal with your problems.” Whenever I’d bring up things like, “my PTSD acting up,” he’d sigh a semi-disgusted sigh; the sort that said (without words), “Another problem? Jesus fuck, woman.”

I eventually stopped telling him.

I felt weak. I felt like having “problems” meant that I was a miserable excuse for a human being – my problems clearly the sign of a shitty character. Who could love someone like that? Someone like me?

And, he’d asked me, once we were separated, yet living under the same roof, after I’d written this, to not speak of our separation, so that we could go it alone. I respected it. Protecting him and trying to pretend that my life hadn’t been drastically altered, however, came with some unexpected side effects: I lost my voice. No longer could I pour whatever was into my heart onto a keyboard. No longer could I tell the world how I’d ached and cried or laughed and smiled. It all had to be said through a fake filter – written several steps removed from my actual life.

Losing my words took a toll far greater than I’d expected. I felt I was living a double life: the one I presented to the world, and my real life; the space in which things, well, they weren’t so funny.

It finally came to a boiling point last night.

The night before, I’d shared my goals for recovery, my plans for the future, my hopes and ambitions, as I sobbed into my blankie. He informed me of the things he needed, and mentioned that nowhere in my soliloquy had I mentioned “staying at home with the kids” or “keeping a clean house,” which prompted the suggestion that “perhaps it would be better for my recovery for me to move out.”

(blink, blink, blink)

Not being particularly rash, or prone to throwing things around the room, I instead thought about that offer.

I mulled it over all night and the following day (yesterday): Could I afford moving out? Could I (with my migraines) manage to go back to work? Would I go on public aid? Would I have insurance? Where could I live? What would I do? Why would now be the time to think about these things if I was (per the both of us) supposed to be focusing on my recovery?

I sat down last night and told Dave that after thinking it all through, I was planning to move out. I wasn’t sure where, I wasn’t sure if I could afford it, but I’d be moving out, getting my head straight, and returning to be with my children. He offered to sign all the divorce papers so that I’d get some alimony.

As for me? I just wanted – and still want – to get better. To feel safe, loved, respected. To work on myself and begin the road to recovery. I wanted the time to heal and grow and make the right choices for myself. To not see my failures played out upon the features of Dave’s face every time I turned around.

Where that will take me? I don’t know.

Nervous Breakdown: 4

Aunt Becky: 0

And that, my dear friends is the way my marriage has ended – not with a bang, but a whimper.

posted under Goin' Off The Rails On A Crazy Train

148 Comments to

“The Nervous Breakdown Chronicles: The “D” Word”

On July 10th, 2012 at 1:54 pm wasnt_serious Says:
*hugs*
On July 10th, 2012 at 1:54 pm samantha Says:
I don’t know you, but I love you. Just keep hanging on.
On July 10th, 2012 at 1:55 pm Jessica Says:
*HUGS* Love you Aunt Becky. You can do this, you CAN get better. And we are all here for you no matter what <3
On July 10th, 2012 at 1:56 pm mingomom Says:
Becky,
I am so sorry for your pain, but very hopeful for your recovery. Thank you so much for being willing to share all of this with us. I have been there, and in spite of feeling so alone, I know I was not.
Much love to you.
On July 10th, 2012 at 1:58 pm Charlie Says:
See, here’s the thing Becky. I read this and I saw a way out for you. I saw someone who wants to improve, wants her life to be about overcoming obstacles and feeling cared for.

I’d say it’s time you go after and get those things, you know after the grief and pain and debris of excising a relationship and all that.

Ps: my autocorrect made “things” into “thongs” and I think that should be included too.

I’d say it’s time you go after and get those THONGS.

All my best to you,
-Charlie http://howtobeadad.com
On July 10th, 2012 at 1:59 pm Redneck Mommy Says:
I am so sorry Becky. I really hope you find healing, health and happiness soon. Hang in there my friend. You are not alone.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:00 pm Jana Says:
Love you.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:01 pm Vanessa Says:
I’ve been at this place you are now in. I offer my support and kindness. Though most only know you through this blog or Band Back Together (including me) please know that we are all with you on this road.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:03 pm Alexis Says:
Oh AB I’ve been reading your words for a long time now. I’ve never before actually felt compelled to comment but today I just want to send you many internet hugs and let you know I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I’m so sorry. I hope you find the healing and the happiness that you truly deserve.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:03 pm ErinInFL Says:
((((HUGS)))) You know where to find me and you know we’re all pulling for you. Our hearts hurt for all of you.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:03 pm Regina Smith Says:
Dear Aunt Becky,
I am so sorry to hear this. Hugs to you 🙂
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:04 pm Meg J Says:
Dude.

Just.

Dude.

I wish I had something more supportive, something witty, something helpful to say. But you’ve got our love and our friendship. So that’s something.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:04 pm Pete In Az Says:
Everybody here is at the other end of an iddy biddy little wire, but, we ARE here, so…

Remember… You’re not alone.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:05 pm amy Says:
Oh wow my heart just shattered into a billion pieces. I’m so sorry. What a shitty time for everything to come together.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:05 pm Krista Says:
I’m so sorry. You’re taking a huge, brave step. Hugs to you, it will get better. Always does.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:06 pm Jen C Says:
It is always darkest right before the light. Hang on tight even if it’s only by a thread…an unraveling one at that. You have touched the lives of so many and we are all rooting for you to get through this and come out even better (if that were possible!) on the other side. We love you Becky and I promise you are stronger than you think and can do this.

XOXO
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:08 pm Cali ??? Says:
{{{GIANT HUGS}}}
love you, lady!
you’re voice is beautiful!
thank you for sharing this with us.
Xo
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:08 pm Law Momma Says:
Oh my dear.

Isn’t that how things fall apart. Slowly. Desperately. One small sacrifice after another until the world is never the same again.

Only it will be. It will be brighter. You will be better.

But in the meantime, divorce sucks.

And I’m here if you need me.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:09 pm Heather Says:
Sending love and light your way. (((hugs)))
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:09 pm Andrea Says:
i’m so sorry, Becky. Thinking of you and sending you huge GIGANTIC mother-fecking hugs. Loads of love.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:11 pm Tracie Says:
Love you, Becky!
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:12 pm Zak Says:
Love ya, Becky.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:16 pm Denise Says:
I’ve been through my own divorce and witness to my husband’s divorce. It can be ugly and heartbreaking. But also freeing. Love and hugs to you. I know you will recover and shine.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:16 pm Pauline Gaines Says:
I am really, really sorry. Sending you many good thoughts.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:17 pm sarah piazza Says:
I’m very sorry, Becky. Sending strength.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:18 pm Arik lee Says:
God!!! That fucking sucks!!! Sorry you’re going through this.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:19 pm Katrina Says:
All my love, AB.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:20 pm Mely Says:
I’ve always admired you from afar. When I was first faced with my own separation three years ago I was terrified. Like you I had questions of where I would go, how would I survive, etc.

For months I locked myself in my closet and cried because it was the only place I had that no one could see me. Not my family. Not my son.

Then one day I decided to pick myself up off the floor and stay out of the closet and slowly but surely move on with my life and take back control of everything that seemed to spiral out of control during my own nervous breakdown.

Part of putting myself and the pieces of my life back together involved learning how to laugh again, and you and your blog played a large part in it. I just thought you were so completely kickass. So unapologetic and free and proud of who you were regardless of what anyone thought. I admired you from afar here and on Twitter and tried to teach myself how to be kickass too because at the time I was anything but.

I guess what I am trying to say is that if a once co-dependent, broken and insecure woman like me could dig herself out of her closet, survive a separation and becoming a single mom, and learn how to design the life of her dreams to find a happiness she never knew with any man, you can too.

I know you can because without even trying or knowing me you played a part in what helped me do it.

It will take time and bullshit and guts, but I promise you will get to
Nervous Breakdown: 4
Aunt Becky: 1

Now shut your whore mouth and kick single motherhood’s ass!
XOXO
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:55 pm stacey Says:
“Now shut your whore mouth and kick single motherhood’s ass!”
well said!
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:23 pm Debi (@TruthfulMommy) Says:
I’m so sorry, This really fucking sucks. None of us gets married with the intention of divorce but sometimes we just outgrow one another. I can imagine it hurts right now and it feels overwhelming and life altering, and it is. Take your time, feel your feelings, cry, scream, yell and cry some more and then see your way clear of it. You will come out the other end stronger and better than before, as you always do. I have not lost my husband but I did lose a baby in May and a loss is a loss and it hurts like a bitch.You feel like your heart will never recover, never be the same and in many ways, you are right but you are strong, brilliant and fucking amazing. You will be okay again. Your heart will heal itself. There will be a scar. Hugs lady.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:25 pm Tracy Says:
Just this passed week, life made me need BandBackTogether…the phrase We are None of Us Alone is bouncing around my head. It reminds me while life blows now, there are people for me–even if I’m currently trying my best to be a hermit. So those words that now mean so much to me, I’m sending back to you. Together we are strong, We are none of us alone. :-/
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:25 pm JennK Says:
Dude.

The fuck?

Where have I been? Clearly not here, supporting you…

That part about not being able to write it all out…that? Is probably the most criminal of all of this mess. Okay, maybe not the “most” but I firmly believe it was a contributing factor. And bullshit. And I’m glad that you can say way you need to say and write what you need to write.

Dude. Your band is here…
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:29 pm Michelle Says:
I’m sorry. I love you.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:30 pm Annie Says:
Sometimes the things that break our hearts break them open rather than shattering them to pieces. I hope it is so for you. Holding you in the light– Hang in there.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:30 pm Anjali Says:
I am so, so sorry Sweet Becky. Thinking of you a ton.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:31 pm J080806 Says:
Hey if you need someone to listen we aren’t that far away. We could come visit you too… pick u up or whatever. <3
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:32 pm Molli Says:
Love you! We are all here for you.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:33 pm a Says:
Aw, shit, Becky. I’m sorry to hear that things have come to this – but it seems like you’re retrieving your voice from wherever you stuffed it, so that’s a good thing. I hope that things have improved…
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:33 pm Tony Says:
There is an old joke: Why do divorces cost so much? Because they are WORTH IT.

Having been through a divorce, honestly…I have to say the lowest, hardest point in it is admitting it is necessary and then coming out and saying it. Telling other people about it is the first step back up the ladder. Getting your own place and a space to rebuild your self is another part of that process.

It takes time. It hurts. But in the end, BELIEVE ME, it is worth it.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:33 pm Emily Says:
I’m so sorry to hear this. I hope you get what you need to get well – that’s all that really matters.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:34 pm Tara R. Says:
I am so sorry for your pain. You don’t have to go this alone, you have a whole army, a Band of merry men so to speak, to stand with you, hold your hand, and hold you up.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:34 pm Titanium Says:
*head in my hands*

It’s a damn cold day in July, my friend. I am so very sorry. I wish I had words. I just don’t.

I care.

Lots.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:36 pm Paula Says:
I love you, Aunt Becky, and my thoughts, prayers, and all of the strength and light I can send are with you.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:38 pm Aunt Looney Says:
You are STRONG. You are COURAGEOUS. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Sending you great big hugs.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:39 pm Andie Says:
I am sorry.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:40 pm Maria Says:
I don’t know what to say except *hugs* and I HAVE noticed that you haven’t been you.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:41 pm Phoenix Says:
I wish I knew what to say, but i don’t. Please, hang in there, and remember you are not alone – you have us all.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:42 pm Kristi Says:
I want to sit with you. Hold you. Hug you tight…

Then kick your ass up, get a bottle of wine and drink until we laugh until we pee.
Afterward, I’ll help you in anyway I can.
Oxoxox
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:44 pm amy Says:
I am happy you are finding your voice again. Lots of love to you. Xo
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:45 pm Suzanne Roupas Says:
Becky, this sucks. Please know that your faithful Pranksters have been able to read between the lines for months. It’s been like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
I can’t imagine how hard this is for you AND I know, as the mature old lady of 57 I am now, that you will come back from this a stronger woman with a more authentic voice. That old Shakespere guy said “To thine own self be true”. He was right.
Sending you love and healing.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:49 pm Mindy Says:
Big hugs to you.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:50 pm Alex@LateEnough Says:
Hugs and love to you.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:51 pm Chooplah Says:
Not to be selfish, but you have no idea how much these posts have been helping me. I can’t stop reading and rereading.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:52 pm Ali Says:
That’s rough and I’m so sorry.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:53 pm Samantha Says:
You poor thing! I’m so very sorry and though I don’t know you my heart goes out to you. When you are battling demons within you things like taking care of yourself let alone others or washing dishes become distant seconds because when you aren’t all together you really can’t do those things. I have no doubt you will kick the demons squarely in the balls, put yourself back together, and continue rocking at all the amazing things you do! Just no more holding back your words cause bottling all the noise within yourself only feeds the demons and makes things worse. You don’t have to post them here or publicly but at least let them out and free yourself from those heavy burdens.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:53 pm Pamela Gold Says:
Oh shit. I was just brought up to speed on what has been happening. This fucking sucks. I’m mentally fucked up too (bipolar-anxiety-anhedonia sprinkled with marriage issues). Hope is the only thing we have to hold onto girl. You’re going to pull through because of this bucket full of hope in your pocket.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:54 pm Rachel Says:
I don’t want to say that I know what you’re going through, because I do know that each of fight, while seemingly similar, battles, each of us have our own demons. I wish I could tell you it will all be okay; instead, I’ll just send hugs, comforting wishes, and healing thoughts. <3
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:56 pm electriclady Says:
Big hugs to you. I hope this tough time leads you to a better place.
On July 10th, 2012 at 2:56 pm Liane Greathead Says:
Hugs. I don’t know you but I send you all the strength I have.
On July 10th, 2012 at 3:00 pm Io Says:
Becky. Dude. I am so fucking sorry. Damn.
I know I have been MIA, but please let me know if you need anything.
On July 10th, 2012 at 3:00 pm Kathy Says:
Much love, more than you’ll know. Looks like it’s been a shitty year thus far for both of us. So glad to hear from the REAL you! Now the healing can begin because you’ll have the support of your world wide family! Hugs!
On July 10th, 2012 at 3:01 pm Irshlas Says:
I got nothing witty or insightful. Know that you’re loved and there are so many wishing you the recovery you deserve. Mental illness blows. Period. Your pranksters love you, AB.
On July 10th, 2012 at 3:06 pm stacey Says:
FUCK DUDE REALLY!?!?!
Beck…when I 1st read I was like “WTF like she needed THIS on top of everything else.”
and then i was like…”she can handle this IN SPITE of everything else”. You’ve got a lot on your plate sister but….one day at a time…one situation at a time….one crisis at a time.
Recovery..getting better..yes that’s 1st everything else will fall in line.
Hugs going out to you…..even knowing it’s coming doesn’t make the blow any less…been there too…
On July 10th, 2012 at 3:17 pm BakingSuit Says:
HUGS I don’t know where things stand now or if you’ve found a place to be or work, yet, but I have a feeling that this will only make you more fabulous and wonderful.

Take care of you, love you. Let me know if I can help
On July 10th, 2012 at 3:26 pm beta dad Says:
Aw shit, Becky. I’m so sorry to hear about all this. You’ve got a lot of good friends here rooting for you. Keep your head up.
On July 10th, 2012 at 3:29 pm Bren Says:
So life is going to rip that goddamned bandaid off all at once, huh? Sucks so hard. Not fair and holy shitballs and all that.

The only upside is now you won’t wait for that other GD shoe to drop……..

Now, look for ONE good thing every day. Like, you don’t barf or one of the kidlets remembers to put their skivs in the hamper or you only cry for THREE hours straight. One thing at a time. Because they are there…..hidden…or hiding….but they are there. And what makes your rock the shit out of this world is still there, too. Don’t forget it.
On July 10th, 2012 at 3:35 pm Lindsey Says:
Today’s cheesy theme music is Patti Smith’s “I am the warrior”

But in all seriousness, the best thing a mother can ever do for her children is to make sure that she herself is healthy and stable. You are SO on your way.

Besides, even if it’s a shitty situation, you still get your very own apartment to decorate with pink sparkly shit.
On July 10th, 2012 at 3:39 pm Gwen Says:
I guess I am pretty bad at reading between the lines because I had no idea. I am so sorry that this is happening but more sorry that you’ve had to carry it alone all this time. *hugs* to you and the kids.
On July 10th, 2012 at 3:59 pm Kori Says:
I know you are a smart woman but make sure that you have spelled out your EXACT intentions in the divorce papers per the kids and moving back into the home, because once you have made the decision to leave without them, and to voluntarily leave the home, you will have a hard time getting the kids and the house back. Just be aware. And know I send love.
On July 11th, 2012 at 8:00 am Angie R Says:
Agreed. Like Kori says, we knows you is smart (sorry, I’ve seen that post on Facebook too many times – urp), but you’ve got a plateful of s*** right now, and that makes it hard to think of everything. When it comes to anything involving legal crap, make sure the paperwork is way uber detailed, because all the best intentions in the world won’t count as of the minute the signatures go on the line.

And if anyone (read: the Daver) gives you the first bit of grief about it, as in “but don’t you trust me?” blah blah blah, just give a simple answer: It’s not a matter of trusting you (or whoever), but I don’t trust the legal system – it’s not going to understand later what we intended, so we have to spell it in.

And if anyone gives you any grief about anything else, just remember – you has friends. Friends that will roadtrip to Chicago if necessary. Possibly even if not necessary (and if you wanna roadtrip to KC, why, the road goes both ways, and I have a very uncomfortable floor you can sleep on).

{{{{{hugs}}}}}
On July 10th, 2012 at 4:06 pm Colleen Says:
Hugs to you Becky. Though I don’t really know you, I can honestly say I was at nearly the same point just over a year ago. I had SO many self-doubts, had SO much anxiety. I had no idea if I could really make it on my own. But you just keep moving forward, doing the best you can. I can honestly say to you, just over a year after I first moved out, that I am happier than I’ve ever been in my life, and doing more than just fine! Please…hang in there! It won’t be like this forever…
On July 10th, 2012 at 4:07 pm swalumni Says:
Ahh shitballs……

Thinking of you AB. We all love you so much.
On July 10th, 2012 at 4:13 pm Heather Says:
{{Hugs}}
On July 10th, 2012 at 4:20 pm justme Says:
*hugs*
On July 10th, 2012 at 4:25 pm Nona Says:
Shit, Becky. I am so sorry to read this. I wish we lived closer so I could help you, even if it’s just a hug. Know that you are loved, even if it is just from afar by a bunch of random voices from the Interwebz.
On July 10th, 2012 at 4:37 pm Ewokmama Says:
Becky, you know I’m here. You know I’ve been where you are now. You WILL get through this and you will kick all of this shit to the curb. You have a ton of people rooting for you and willing to help you get to where you need to be. You will be happy again. You will be happy in a way you never thought you could be.

I love you dearly and I hate to see you hurting like this. You don’t deserve this pain, not at all.
On July 10th, 2012 at 4:40 pm Barnmaven Says:
Oh, Lord, do I remember that feeling of being bound and gagged while going through my separation and divorce. Its a horrid way to have to live, to have to go through all that emotional upheaval without a way to tell people that you absolutely know care about you what’s happening.

You’re swimming to the surface now. There’s air and light up there. There are many hands willing to encircle you and help you stay there. Thinking of you and wishing you peace and growth.
On July 10th, 2012 at 4:45 pm KaraB Says:
I’ve been there. I feel for you so deeply right now. Even with the worst feelings towards each other, divorce can be sad. My marriage ended because he just didn’t want to be married. Awesome. It gets better, you’ll be reborn just like the phoenix sitting on your shoulder and a new glorious Aunt Becky will rise all full of glitter and ass kickyness (not a word, but it applies damnit!). We are here for you to listen and help pull you through the sludge into the light!
On July 10th, 2012 at 4:48 pm Julie Says:
Wow. Just wow. Shit. Holy balls.

I only live about 7 hours away and my car is a rocket. Yell if you need me.
On July 10th, 2012 at 4:53 pm Kate Says:
The D stands for douche bag. Dick head? Dumb fuck? (Not you. No, not you.)

Think: pink and sparkly shit. Think: Eye of the fucking tiger. Think: you’ll have that space to get better, to build up your belief in yourself and your strength without having to defend it against the tearing hands and belittlement of some d-word who is supposed to support you.

God oh God. Please be well. Be gentle with yourself. Breathe. I don’t know- I’m throwing all the good advice I’ve gotten out there, but I really just know that this will eventually pass and you WILL be happy again. I also know everyone here loves you. Hold on, Aunt Becky.
On July 10th, 2012 at 4:54 pm Lex Says:
I’m so, so sorry that everything has been so fucked! I wish that I could leave a comment full of wit, and sagely advice that would make everything better. Alas, I can’t do that; however, what I can do is tell you to hang in there, reiterate that the Band has your back, and offer an interweb bro-hug.

:Bro-hug:
On July 10th, 2012 at 4:59 pm Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:
I love you. Hugs.
On July 10th, 2012 at 5:06 pm Jessica Says:
When I was a young child (read: in the late 80s) my mom moved out. At first, being so young, I was confused- but later, I came to admire her so much for that. At a time when women were so harshly judged-and some still are-she took stock of her life and what she, and we, needed-and she bravely took action. What mattered was not who left and who stayed- what mattered was that my parents were taking action to fix what was broken with themselves-and they were better parents for it.
I know how hard things are right now, but please take care of yourself and everything will settle where it belongs. HUGS. I am so sorry you have been dealing with all of this all on your own.
On July 10th, 2012 at 5:09 pm Sunny Says:
Delurking to give you a (((hug))).

Over the years, you have been there for so many people going through a difficult time. It says a lot that they are all here for you now. You will survive, you will persevere, you will find new happiness, and you won’t be alone on your journey. Hang in there, Aunt Becky.
On July 10th, 2012 at 5:10 pm Christene Says:
Wow… I am so sorry to hear this… but I have to say, you did an excellent job of keeping this under wraps… I don’t think I could have done as well…
On July 10th, 2012 at 5:15 pm Frubs Says:
“I know you are a smart woman but make sure that you have spelled out your EXACT intentions in the divorce papers per the kids and moving back into the home, because once you have made the decision to leave without them, and to voluntarily leave the home, you will have a hard time getting the kids and the house back. Just be aware. And know I send love.”

This, tbh…It might be unduly suspicious but he seems very eager to sign the divorce papers and for you to move out, and you aren’t yourself right now. It might be a good idea to get some impartial advice (US version of the citizens advice bureau?) before doing anything.
On July 10th, 2012 at 5:19 pm Jo Says:
Becky,

Just know that however dark you may feel right now. You are amazing. You touch so many lives. So many of us share in your story, share your experiences and realise that we are none of us alone. Many many of us stay in the background, afraid that our voices aren’t important enough to be heard, or that what we have to say isn’t important enough. I feel like this is something I need to step out of the shadows for. You have over the last few months helped through my nervous breakdown, which seems to have been for no reason with the simple phrase ‘we are none of us alone’. I cling to that as my talisman and I keep going forward. Now it’s time for you to realise the truth of it. We are none of us alone, especially not you.

Love
jo
On July 10th, 2012 at 5:21 pm StrongerMe Says:
I’m trying to think of the helpful words that I heard when I was really upset about my divorce. Then I remembered that I’m not exactly what you would call “over it,” which is why I started venting to my keyboard.
Recovery is recovery, no matter what it’s from. I live one day at a time, just like an alcoholic in recovery. The future is overwhelming. Today. I can maybe handle today. Or at least the next hour. I never know when that knot in my stomach will get tired of being ignored and send me into full freak-out mode.
It has gotten better. I still sigh when I think about what it would be like to be, you know, healed. Of course, that’s probably like wondering what it’s like to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, so I will stick with “I’m better.”
Your kids adore you. That shows you that you have value, even when you think that you are broken. Try to keep that in mind. You are their hero even on days that you can’t make it out of your pjs. God love them. They’re like puppies. (until they are teenagers)
Chin up…lots of people are standing behind you.
On July 10th, 2012 at 5:53 pm Grace Says:
So, so, so much love to you, my dear. I just sent you an email. …and a text. Damn I’m obsessive!
On July 10th, 2012 at 6:26 pm Cindy Medina Says:
Becks.
On July 10th, 2012 at 6:28 pm Stefanie Says:
damn, damn, triple damn. that sucks monkey balls. i am sending lots of hugs and strength. you will survive, AB, you will survive and become a better Aunt Becky. (if that’s possible, you are already pretty awesome)
On July 10th, 2012 at 6:29 pm Gav Says:
Good luck Becky! Cheering for ya.
On July 10th, 2012 at 6:38 pm Amanda Says:
*hugs* I’m so sorry that when it rains it pours. It’s always darkest before the dawn. I’m sending you healing vibes. You’ll get through this, you have a plan for your recovery! You can do it!
On July 10th, 2012 at 6:40 pm Shawna Says:
This sucks huge hairy balls. You have been there for us through The Band, let us be here for you. If I even lived in the same country as you I’d be bringing you some chicken soup and a great big bottle of vodka, but I’m thinking of you and sending you love and strength to heal.
On July 10th, 2012 at 6:54 pm Luna Says:
Becky, I am so sorry.

But PLEASE. For the love of all things holy, talk to a lawyer BEFORE you move out. You could lose everything, including access to your kids. I’ve seen it happen. Please please please. Do it for you. Do it for your kids.
On July 11th, 2012 at 6:28 am Amanda Says:
THIS THIS THIS THIS.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE dos NOT leave your house UNTIL YOU TALK TO A LAWYER!!!!
Right now Dave is not your friend. Even if even thinks he’s being one.

There are huge long term implications to walking out that door. HUGE.

Please talk to someone. I cannot beg you enough.
On July 10th, 2012 at 7:11 pm FFW Says:
I am profoundly sad for you right now. But, I am keeping you in my thoughts, and I hope your very difficult decision brings you the peace you deserve.
On July 10th, 2012 at 8:00 pm Jen Says:
Aw, AB. I could feel something wrong and thought this might be it, but I am *so* sorry. I’m glad you have your words again and I hope you continue to use them. (((hugs)))
On July 10th, 2012 at 8:15 pm Carol Anne Says:
(((warm hugs))) I hope the coming months are good to you & you find healing and wholeness. You are in my prayers.
On July 10th, 2012 at 8:18 pm Cindy Says:
oh Aunt Becky, I just love you.
On July 10th, 2012 at 8:20 pm LDiggitty Says:
I don’t even know what to say – I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you right now – you have been through SO MUCH, and you’re so strong. I know you don’t feel strong now, but you are. Someday, when you’re on the other side of this, you’ll be able to breathe and feel whole again. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust that that day will come. IT WILL.
On July 10th, 2012 at 8:49 pm Jen Says:
I admire your courage to share something so very personal and difficult. Please surround yourself with supportive people and find your inner strength. I have been through dark times and can relate. Please know that you are an inspiration to all of us.(((hugs))))
On July 10th, 2012 at 8:50 pm Amanda@LadyScientist Says:
I’m so sorry. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
On July 10th, 2012 at 9:07 pm Jenn Says:
Oh fuck. I’m thinking of you. I wish there was something that I could say or do to make things all better. Pretending sucks.
xoxoxo
On July 10th, 2012 at 9:20 pm B Says:
Oh honey, lay right here and I’ll tickle your temples and hum a song for you. Take a deep breath. You’re smart and strong and your children love you. “Eye of the Tiger”………
On July 10th, 2012 at 9:25 pm jeri Says:
I’m so sorry Aunt Becky. It’s the nature of suckdom to expand exponentially. But it does eventually reach a limit, so just hang in there and keep writing. You are your own best therapist; you just don’t know it yet. Keep on writing and we’ll keep listening and responding and we’ll get you through this together. You’ve helped so many people in so many ways, now it’s time for people to help you. I’ll be checking in a lot as obviously others will be. You’re not alone.
On July 10th, 2012 at 9:27 pm Mel Says:
Becky,
You are right … this does suck. I’m sorry.

Allow yourself some time to cry, laugh, write, process, and lean on those around you.
Your family and friends will love you deeply and be your strongest supporters – my best advice is to not try to go it along. Reach out to your friends, family, your pranksters, etc.

Please find a therapist you trust and feel comfortable with walking down this path of recovery. As a clinical social worker and a PTSD survivor, I know how daunting it can be but I also know how possible recovery is and I have no doubt you can make it through this storm.

We are all here to lend our support.
On July 10th, 2012 at 9:59 pm mommabird2345 Says:
Dude.

Wishing you well on your road to recovery.
On July 10th, 2012 at 10:06 pm Heather Says:
Coming out of lurkdom to say how sorry I am that this is happening to you. I hope you know how much The Band is behind you, supporting you. Also, I have to agree with the other posters who mentioned talking to a lawyer before you move out of the house just to be on the safe side.

Sending you lots of light and hugs.
On July 10th, 2012 at 10:23 pm tentabunners Says:
Oh, Aunt Becky.
ugs*
*h
On July 10th, 2012 at 10:40 pm Valerie Says:
You will get there. Mark my words. And when you do, it shall be glorious. I promise you this. Everything happens for a reason, even though you cannot see it now. But it does.

Double Hugs,

Valerie
On July 11th, 2012 at 1:02 am Janis Says:
I’m sorry that you’re going through such a hard time. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. (((Hugs.)))
On July 11th, 2012 at 1:03 am Niki Says:
I have been where you are, I have felt your pain, your agony, your immense feelings of “alone’. I want you to know you are not alone. life happens and we rise. it’s what we do. You are beautiful, you are strong, you are as bright as the sun and as strong as the hardest diamond. You are a light in the night sky of your children’s lives and the brightest rainbow of their dreams. You ARE amazing and touch the lives of many. “sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together” You are a glorious soul that is dying to shine again, and I believe you will, I believe in you.
On July 11th, 2012 at 1:08 am alexis Says:
I’m so sorry.
Love,
Alwxis
On July 11th, 2012 at 7:56 am Jennifer Says:
I started reading your blog about a month ago and have been trying to work my way thru all of your posts from the beginning (only on page 465) so it makes this revelation that much more surprising and sad! I’m so sorry to hear this news, but stay strong for your babies and focus on getting yourself better!

Much love!!
On July 11th, 2012 at 8:27 am Neeroc Says:
Aw Aunt Becky, I’m so sorry to hear this. But please remember the Band has your back. You need something? Just ask.
Hugest internet hugs ever.
On July 11th, 2012 at 8:48 am Alexandra Says:
I am so sorry.

But I understand.

it is HARD to keep secrets inside: to not be able to talk about the only thing your brain can talk about.

I think of Edenland, and her story playing out right now. She and her husband separated for a while, and a while being MONTHS. Long months.

But somehow they have come back together as 2 separate, different people…meeting in the middle.

I hope this for you.

I hope you stop over and read Edenland’s story about how you fall apart and then put back together again.

It’s not pie in the sky: it’s real ink on the whiteness of life’s paper.

We love you, Becky.
On July 11th, 2012 at 9:30 am magpie Says:
big hugs to you, becky. i’m sorry you’re in this place – here’s hoping for blue skies tomorrow.
On July 11th, 2012 at 9:40 am Ava Says:
Oh, no Becky! I’ve been a reader for a few months and I am so sorry to hear you are going through this! I don’t know you or even how you are feeling. I do know that ending a marriage sucks. You are a much stronger person than you realize and we are all here for you. *hugs*
On July 11th, 2012 at 10:10 am Marsupial Mama Says:
**hugs** Also? You’re awesome.
On July 11th, 2012 at 10:32 am melanie Says:
thinking of you and your whole family….. hugs
On July 11th, 2012 at 10:36 am hthrm Says:
Well fuck.
you are my ab. the one i go to for advice. and laughs. and for the band.
you’re not alone in any of this.
much love and glitter and unicorn thoughts
On July 11th, 2012 at 11:15 am natalie Says:
Marilyn Monroe said “if you can’t handle me at my worst you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best” so fuck him and his censorship because he doesn’t want to look like the weak asshole that he is. You can and will survive. It won’t always be this awful. You just have to feel it and go through it. You will come out on the otherside. The darkness will not win. I have stood exactly where you are. Email me ANYTIME. Unless you have gone through this distinct hell it is hard to understand but I do. Besides he is old and his penis will stop working long before your vagina does so screw him ;P
On July 11th, 2012 at 11:16 am natalie Says:
Please only use my first name in post
On July 11th, 2012 at 12:18 pm Devan McGuinness Says:
Sending you lots of love, you’re not alone friend. xxo
On July 11th, 2012 at 12:19 pm MKP Says:
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you find the help you need for a solid recovery. Thanks as always for your honesty. We’re here for you.
On July 11th, 2012 at 12:28 pm amy Says:
Oh Aunt Becks! Your nieces and nephews love you no matter what. Thank you for all the ways you have saved me during the past few years. I know what the darkness is like when it falls. And I know that someday, some way, there will be light again. ((((((HUGS)))))) Take care
On July 11th, 2012 at 12:41 pm Jayme @Random Blogette Says:
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this right now. Please remember that you are an amazing, strong person who has done so much for so many people. Now it is time to take care of yourself. Love and HUGS! We are all here for you!
On July 11th, 2012 at 12:45 pm Tonya Cinnamon Says:
lots of hugs lovely . Divorce is hard on the mind. I called it quits after 16 yrs and it took me over a year to gather myself back up in pieces . We all suffered to some degree but we slowly got our shite together and learned to move on. It was hard on the kids , but they accepted slowly and learned to co exist between both of us. And we have been friendly for the kids. After all they are the ones we care . Lots of hugs.. All I can offer is just cry it out and learn to throw things when kids are not around or your nervous breakdowns will turn worse.
On July 11th, 2012 at 12:46 pm mona Says:
I’m sure that my words are going to get lost among other words of wisdom. But I wanted to voice my support for you.

I am not going to bore you with my own story, but just know that I have been there. And I have no doubt that you will come out of this stronger and with a more solid head on your shoulders. You are going to be okay, because you are stronger than you realize.

Much love.
On July 11th, 2012 at 12:57 pm Jamie Says:
Find your light, girl. You helped me find mine several times–you’ve got this, you will get through. We will help you search. Wishing you strength.
On July 11th, 2012 at 12:59 pm PBP Designs Says:
From me, and my BB2G post 1369, to you, HUGS.
Know that we are here for you.
Know that you can do this.
Know that you only have to text/call/smoke signal/whatever and we’ll be there for you.
Know that, because of you and BB2G, the group YOU created, You are Not Alone!
If I can do this (twice) you can, too.
Hugs, love, bacon cupcakes.
Pammi
On July 11th, 2012 at 1:04 pm RealityTC Says:
With that much badass, you definitely need your own place. I am a firm believer that sometimes good people are just bad for each other. It just sucks ass to find this out after years together. You deserve to be unconditionally supported. You know that right? <3
On July 11th, 2012 at 3:02 pm Dawne Says:
Mother fuck! How is it that someone like you, who is so giving, so ready to help others, doesn’t get the support she needs?

I love you Becky, you’re the most wonderful woman I’ve never met.

Strength, hugs and love to you.

Love, Dawne
On July 11th, 2012 at 4:36 pm Jayne Says:
There’s nothing I can do but send you love from afar, so that’s what I’ll do. Sending lots of it.
On July 11th, 2012 at 4:50 pm Irant Says:
Wow – I’m sorry, AB. Done the divorce thing – as well as it can be done, I think – and it still is gut-wrenching. I feel for you – hang in there…

K
On July 11th, 2012 at 5:04 pm @KrisAnnIn (Kristen) Says:
My heart breaks for you, Becky. As I know all to well how this feels because my divorce wounds are still fresh. I could totally relate to you when you were saying about the pre-marriage counseling that you felt divorce happens to OTHER people, not us. Cut to 12 years later and it was us. Hang in there! I’m still struggling and have breakdowns now and then but I also see the light at the end of the tunnel. We will make it and be just fine! (((hugs)))
On July 11th, 2012 at 6:13 pm Chickaboom Says:
I’m just so sad and pissed for you AB. You deserve better, and it’s not fair that life is being a bitch right now. Being a mental illness sufferer myself, it is heartbreaking to me that you have been living one of my worst fears – having someone you love get tired of dealing with your condition. I just want to say that feeling bad is not your fault, and you are not a failure! People who don’t get it just don’t fucking get it – you can’t measure your worth with the opinions of someone who doesn’t have the right tools. My DH is constantly being retaught that lesson too – that it does no good to say, “But last time you got better after x time by doing y”. Mental illness is an unpredictable bitch who doesn’t care about rules. But you’ll be ok, and you won’t be alone. Sending you strength… you can only go up from here.
On July 11th, 2012 at 6:15 pm Karen Lamb Says:
I love you Beck, I have been thru 3 divorces, with 3 children. Not bragging. There IS light at the end of the tunnel. So sorry you are suffering, and we love you like crazy here are our house in bumfuck Maryland. Throw out the mind bending body destroying food, and do what you do best, that is MAKE IT. Love, Karen Lamb
On July 11th, 2012 at 9:52 pm thepsychobabble Says:
One day at a time, one moment at a time, you will find your way out of the dark, and into a better, healthier, place.
On July 11th, 2012 at 10:50 pm PinkDawn Says:
Been where you are and its not fun. Everything will be fine, even if it doesn’t seem like it yet.
On July 12th, 2012 at 1:13 pm leigh Says:
oh becky… i remember that post.. and i have often thought about it… the pain you were so clearly feeling and then to not hear anything else… i was concerned.

i am so sorry about you and the daver… i hope and pray that this will however turn into a step in the right direction for you and your recovery.

you are loved and cared for by so many – and you have given such hope and comfort to all of us. i hope you know that, and know that we are in this band together my darling.

~xo.
On July 12th, 2012 at 2:40 pm Biolange Says:
your words are like advice for me, i loved your post.
On July 12th, 2012 at 4:42 pm Steph Says:
Even tough we’ve (obviously) never met, I do feel like you are an old friend for 2 reasons. 1) I have been reading this blog forever, and 2) You created the Band and because of that, I havfour ally begun to understand my husband’s anxiety disorder diagnosis. You have made my life so much better, and I wish I could return the favor. Sending you peace, light and love. None of us are alone.
On July 12th, 2012 at 4:44 pm Steph Says:
*finally. Fucking autocorrect.
On July 13th, 2012 at 1:08 am Kate Says:
I’m so sorry; that just sucks.
On October 22nd, 2013 at 10:20 am CaffeinatedMama Says:
Oh hun, I’m so sorry! I’ve been through this nd I wouldn’t wish it on anyone ((hugs)) I, too, have 3 children with special needs – who now have a totally amazing step dad. 🙂

It gets better!
On December 31st, 2013 at 12:47 pm The Last, Last Time | Mommy Wants Vodka Says:
[…] The D Word was thrown around. Dave had already made a “special friend” by the time I moved from the home I’d once jokingly stated I’d have to be pried out of with a crowbar on October 1, 2012. I now reside in my beloved tiny apartment a mere 6 minutes from the home I once tenderly loved my flowers, my children, my husband in. The family, the dream I’d desperately wanted, within walking distance – light years away. […]