Pretty Sure Hallmark Will Be Beating Down My Door…To Kill Me.
So I totally swallowed the red pill on Mother’s Day and forgot to make more of my cards-you-should-never-send-to-someone-unless-you-hate-them. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re probably better off, but here’s the link. As you can see, I have a lot of work to do (most of that is going to be finding artwork I can actually USE, which is shockingly difficult) (I’m all ears to suggestions)(if any of these are your images and I’ve taken them in error, please let me know and I’ll remove them immediately).
But Father’s Day is this weekend, and how could I forget with The Daver constantly telling me things like, “Oh, well, the new iPHONE is coming out!” and “I need a new computer!!” Because apparently, Father’s Day is cause for me forking over loads of cash. Who knew?
Since I borked on Mother’s Day, I figured I should make it up to all of the three dads out there who read my blog and might appreciate the sentiment. If Hallmark were smart, this is what they’d make because inappropriate is always better than appropriate.
you make me happy in the pants. I need one that says: Even though I was a little asshat shitforbrains, thank you for never sending me back to the state, Dad. You’re the tops.
😀
Bwahahaha! I need to find more pictures!
I like the second one
I love them and I’m sure my dad would too. My mom, on the other hand, would probably refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day.
My parents would probably both love them, actually. My sense of humor started with them.
Lucky.
When my son was first born, we had just gotten a Nintendo GameCube so we played it. A lot. When my son would cry, my response was always “Mommy’s playing Nintendo right now!” I still get shit for that one but it made me laugh. 🙂
I did the SAME THING, only with a Wii! There’s something about video games that was REALLY soothing right then. Alex was REALLY colicky and the Wii saved me…and him, I think.
When your son was first born? Wha???
Oh, never mind, I get it. “Born again”. Duh.
I guess I meant to simply say “When my son was BORN.” Although he is my first born too. Sometimes my English skills are wonky and unsophisticated. Like me. 🙂
2nd and 3rd ones are the best! thanks for this. i needed a laugh today!!
Me freaking too!
You complete me.
I’m so glad I discovered you through my sister. You complete me.
*blushes* I think I love you.
I really like the “Daddy, I’m so glad you didn’t use birth control.” That one is actually quite cute 🙂
Of course I’m a dad, so I’m probably a little biased 😉
It’s LITERALLY the only one I could find of a kid and a dad. I would have done more, but I couldn’t find any.
The lemonde one killed me! So awesome!
I need one for my Dad thanking him for burning the image of middle age men in their tighty whiteys into my retina.
I cannot date men who wear them because of him. I guess he had a problem with losing his pants for a few years too.
Perhaps my pants are with his. Day 6 and still, no pants.
not even gonna lie, my child wore a “daddy drinks because I cry” onsie. And then my nephew wore it. And then my second child wore it. Fantastic.
I SO wanted that onesie for the Poose! I never got around to it, and somehow it seems less appropriate for a 4 year old (is that weird?)
My favorite is the last.
I’m ordering one in size XL.
You crack my ass up! I would love a couple made into t-shirts.
I heart you Aunt Becky. These are hysterical.
FWIW, J is getting some Star Wars pancake molds with which I will make pancakes that morning. They’re Williams-Sonoma, though, so that automatically makes them awesome.
Dave MIGHT pee for those. I STILL haven’t bought him anything which means he’s going to petition for a car or something.
Oh, my God. There are Star Wars pancake molds? If they’re less than $100 (and I know they might be that much), I’m totally getting them. My boys will love me forever if they can have Star Wars-shaped pancakes for breakfast!
Williams Sonoma.
LOVE the cards. Do you care if I print them and use them for fathers day? EVERYONE should get one of these. Much too good to pass up!
Your Lemonade card made me spit the lemonade out I was sipping! Great idea for cards! Hilarious!
My favorite is the last one.
Bwa-hahahahaha! You made me laugh and that’s no small feat today. I have a migraine so thank you. Thank you. And thank you again.
LMAO!! Love them!! 🙂
Hilarious!
That last one is the best!!!!!!
Maybe you can take your own pictures of stuff, then you don’t have to worry about it. And I’m sure you could be much more creative about it that way too.
now who wants a fucking burger! loves it.
i want a mothers day one that says “my day is bigger than yours and size does matter.”
i meant father’s day one. doh.
I like the “Your sister is a slut” one. Classics as usual!
You are a sick and twisted woman Aunt Becky. Thank you for my much needed daily dose of snark.
Oh Aunt Becky u ROCK!
Also just so you know that I ROCK I ordered your buddy’s book Everything something or other…. I forget the name of it but I support u and ur friend! I am sure its good cause u Rock like I said
maybe one day we can meet I dont live that far from ur stompin grounds LOL
Dear Aunt Becky,
A trying day at work, and then I come home to…this. MUWAhahahahahah!
Thank you, thank you.
How dearly I love you, my Internet Darling.
Love,
Angie
LOL x forever!
My favorites are ‘daddy drinks because you cry’ and ‘thanks for not using birth control’. Bawaahaha
These are your best bunch yet! I’m stealing one of each.
(Just kidding. I don’t even know how to do that.)
These remind me of the baby t-shirt my knocked-up friend got at her baby shower: “All mommy wanted was a back rub.”
Once again…you’ve totally ruined anything I could find at Hallmark…yours rock!
Hallmark is for old people. Snarky is ALWAYS in season!
I just went through receipts from last month to pay bills and discovered how much my Mother’s Day gift cost. Let’s just say the card my husband gave me cost slightly more. Methinks I’m going to ponder one of these cards for him because really, these are priceless!
😉
I uh, got, uh…what did I get for Mother’s Day again? OH YEAH. NOTHING.
Dammit. Now I can’t do this!
(also: mobile version caches email addresses)
Is it STILL having issues with email addresses? And yes, you can totally do the card thing.
Dammit woman, your posting all my secrets! Especially the golf one. 😉
Next time, remind me not to ask you for help with these 🙂
Loving the golf cards in particular. Not that the husband plays golf but still…
I think it could apply to ANYTHING, you know?
That last one was priceless!
I THINK the vasectomy one was my favorite, only because of the look in his eyes.
I was reading my mom’s (the short curly haired tambourine player you nailed in the back of your van after you gig at the folk fest in 1969) diary the other day and as it turns out I wasn’t immaculately conceived after all!.
SURPRISE!
Happy Father’s Day
Bwahaha! I was LOOKING for snaps like that, but I couldn’t find ANYTHING. I will try again. I am nothing but tenacious.
“Daddy Drinks Because I Cry.” Priceless!
I love the lemonade pee one! He probably won’t be able to tell the difference after all the beer! hahahahah
The looks on their faces is what kills me.
OMG! I thought that my Hallmark moments were awesome, but they shrink in comparison to the witty prose that spews from your keyboard. High five to you Aunt Becky!!!
*blushes* I think there’s room for ALL of us.
Holy crap, you just answered my question about what to get my husband for Father’s Day (although technically shouldn’t that be my kid’s problem?) He’s getting a framed set of these greeting cards, but I may photoshop his face onto the dad’s faces in the pictures. And also possibly on the golf balls, because it would amuse me.
The birth control one slays me.
bahahaha!! CLASSIC!! LOVE IT!
You need to make these into a full merchandise line for next year. Drink coasters, beer mugs, party-ware. You’d be living like an heiress in no time.
i serve lemonade to all my men. just to be safe.
Your cards make me damn proud to know you:)
xxoo (I’m posting my fav with props to you on fb)
love these!