My Mother Of The Year Trophy Is Just Around The Corner
Now, I’m constantly doing boneheaded stuff. If you need further proof, go back into the archives and just read. I’m a complete idiot.
But, I could always count on being a complete idiot that REMEMBERED things. Lately, it appears, even that ability is being slowly taken away from me.
You see, sweet Internet, tomorrow my eldest son, my darling firstborn turns 7.
7 years old. For those of you who have known him since he was a bun in my chubby oven, I’ll give you a moment to digest that ickle bit of information.
…
…
…
Done?
Yeah, so 7. Anyway, the date didn’t elude me in the slightest. It’s marked on my calendar in large ink, complete with exclamation mark and “Dave off work” underneath it. August 20th is a date that my brain and my poor beaten up lady bits will never forget.
Except for when it comes to ACTION.
We’d planned to take him out to lunch at a restaurant of his choosing (always a hugemongeous bonus for a kid saddled with a mother who on her non-pregnant days, still has cravings) and do something else with him. Kids Museum, bowling, something. Doesn’t matter.
Yet this morning, when I waddled to the bathroom for the eleventhy-fifth time, it dawned on me that I had no cake mix with which to make him a cake. And in Ben’s eyes, it’s no party until there’s a cake involved.
I promptly forgot about this when I woke up for real and made plans to go to the pet store located conveniently next to Target (read: Heaven on Earth) and was left with only a nagging “I am forgetting something I needed to go to Target for” feeling in my guts.
Butter, I decided. I needed butter.
(as an aside, I’ve gone through more butter during the past 15 weeks than I have in potentially the last 10 years).
I pulled into the parking lot and looked at the huge toy store also conveniently located right there and something kept tapping me on the shoulder. Did I need to buy a gift for a birthday party? Was Alex in dire need of….more balls? Did I finally have to break down and buy something for the new baby?
SHIT! I thought to myself. No, what I needed more than anything else was a gift for my eldest son. For him to open on his birthday. Which is tomorrow. And I also need a card and cake. For tomorrow. On his birthday.
(Before you think too ill of me here, let me tell you something. When it’s all said and done here, we will have celebrated the birth of my son something like 6 times. You think I’m kidding? Here:
1) Last Week When Out Of Town Family Happened To Be IN Town
2) Tomorrow, August 20, His Real Birthday
3) Sometime After My (asshole) Brother Who Didn’t Take Me To Hawaii Where He Is Right Now, The Jerk, Gets Home
4) His Friends Party Sometime In September
and probably
5) With His Father
6) With My In-Laws
So, while this is an obvious OOPS! on my own part, it’s certainly not the end of the world.)
I trundled off to the toy shop where I agonized about what to purchase him. I shit you not when I tell you that his closet is stocked full of toys and games that he never plays with. (I need to donate these toys to charity)
I finally settled on something that requires being built and then uses a remote control to do…something. This is typically Daver’s realm, so I hope I chose well.
*sighs*
Where the hell have both the time and my brain cells gone?
————
In order to make my ego feel slightly less stupid, oblige me please, Internet. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done lately?
I washed a librairy book in with my bedding. Shlepped the sheets to the dryer, thinking, where is all this paper crap coming from.
Realized the issue when I heard the now mangled paperback banging around the dryer.
Stupidest thing I’ve done lately?
This weekend, I expected my (very) pregnant wife to think rationally. Details at my place.
I got married less than 3 months ago so my stupid list is veeeerrrry long.
But the latest thing happened like 15 minutes ago. When I asked a co-worker (and friend!) to help me with something for a committee we’re on and she not-so-nicely said no. What is she doing instead? Putting a post up on her blog (my Google Reader was open from when I got in early this morning, and I decided to just check and see if she’d posted in the last 15 minutes…of course she had!).
I’d post about this on my own blog but she sometimes reads it.
To compound my irritation, when I took her home last night, she went on. and on. and on. about how great her boyfriend is. For 15 minutes. Has this girl NO CLUE?
Wow. 7?
7!
That’s just amazing. Hope it’s an amazing party, butter and all.
While I was pregnant with #2 and my brain cells were being sucked out of my brain, I made a lot of stupid moves. Perhaps the most inconvient of those stupid moves was when I got on the interstate going west bound when, in order to go home, needed to go east bound. The truley unfortunate part was that I didn’t realize what I had done until I was about 30 miles into my trip and couldn’t figure out why my exit hadn’t come up yet. The I realized what I had done and had to drive another 7 miles before I got to another exit. It was after midnight before I got home.
About 2 hours ago I put a pot of eggs on the stove to hard boil. I turned the burner on high, set the timer and walked away. I came back when the timber went off and discovered that I had turned the wrong burner on and the newspaper on the counter next to it was starting to brown on the edges. Almost burned the house down. And the fire extinguisher is out in the shed and I keep forgetting to pick up a second one. Even though it was on my list while I was at Wal Mart today.
Just wait until number three actually arrives. You WILL forget what day it is. I almost forgot to take my kid to his first day of school today. Yeah, I remembered it yesterday, but still, it snuck up on me.
The stupidities of motherhood…where do I begin? My organized life flew out the window 10 years ago with the birth of my eldest…
Let’s see…I’ve driven to work in my fuzzy slippers, which forced me to stop at Walmart to buy some actual shoes (which ended up pinching my toe all day, should have stuck w/the slippers)
I’ve put toast in the toaster and gotten irritated that it was taking too long, only to realize it wasn’t plugged in.
I’ve locked my daughter in the car, at least it was winter and not summer….takes longer to freeze to death than it does to die of heatstroke, or so I’m told.
I consented to have a DNA test done when my ex-husaband tried to dodge paying child support by saying he’s not my daughter’s father….I should have just said ‘you’re right, I’m a cheating slut’ and got him out of our lives forever, since he doesn’t like to pay the child support on time anyway.
I could go on all day…
I sent my kids to their first day of school yesterday with NO supplies, NO lunch money and NO clue. Who took care of this shit last year?
I got to work one day last week and realized I hadn’t put on any make-up or finished my hair. Which wouldn’t be a big deal for many women who do not have my ruddy , pasty-white complexion, dark bags under my eyes, sporting the 80’s gelled wet look hairdo. People asked me if I was feeling ill, all day.
You are so funny. 7 already? Does that make you feel old or what?
I always obsess about birthdays beforehand (like MONTHS ahead of time) and then I forgot about them when they get close and I end up in a similar situation. Right now I’m all “aaah what am I going to do?!” about Kent’s birthday (which is in 2 weeks) but 3 days before, I’ll probably forget about it. Yeah, I’m so awesome like that.
I agreed to move next week. Like, from one place to another. In a week! And we have a wedding the week after the move. Why do I keep saying yes?!
Well, Becks, I am right there with you. I walked up to a patient this morning and had him sign a different patient’s form! All the while I kept thinking, “something just doesn’t feel right”. I didn’t realize my mistake until I had walked away from him and decided to check our patient list for the day. Yeah, brilliant. I know.
Oh! I feel for ya, honey. Just wait until this sausage is born, you will not do anything for their birthdays until after they have passed and eventually it just gets too late and you miss them entirely… just ask my Girly. For the second year in a row…
(we did the family birthday with cake on the day, but that was it. ugh. Now my second son has his day on my due date, poor, poor boy.)
Hope all is well with you. Been thinking of you often.
Mrs. Spit! That was *you* who vandalized library property?! I’m stunned.
And Becky, please. Stupid things? We’re neck and neck, my love. Today? I was hastily helping the boy put his jeans on and was trying desperately to ignore his fidgeting and wailing (he’s lost his mind, but that’s another story) only to realize I had shoved both his legs into one pant leg. And buttoned him.
Today I was opening a can of tuna to have on my salad at work while having a slightly workish conversation with three of the office guys ( I am the only girl in the office) I managed to squirt tuna juice ALL over the crotch of my pants… soaked.
One of my lovely office mates offered to spray my crotch with febreze to comensate for the lovely odor, but i was too busy laughing to take him up on it.
Brilliant.
The dumbest thing I’ve done lately was eat half of my husband’s tuna fish sub today after throwing up all day yesterday. I knew my stomach couldn’t handle it, but I was starving to death, it looked good, and it was ready. Now, my stomach hurts so bad that I actually want to throw up.
AWE Happy Birthday to your little guy. I am sure even in your forgetfulness he will love his day.
I NEVER do anything dumb. I always have it all together.
(Sighs wistfully)
as i’ve said in the past…..
babies suck the brains outta ya!!
Happy birthday to your son! And, as always, thanks for the laugh. 🙂
At the moment, I’d say grad school. But really I’ve just spent all day sitting down and then thinking, “I’m forgetting something.” Only to have a: timer go off, something beep, the autoclave smell like burning plastic, and break dump lysed bacteria all over my bench. Just imagine how much fun you could have in a lab!
I put my daughters hair remover in my hair thinking it was hair product to spike my hair.
I took out a mailbox with the front end of my car.
duh.
yesterday I arranged for meds that need to be kept cold to be delivered not only on a day that I will not be at home but on the day that an effing tropical storm will be arriving. doh!
Happy 7 Eve!!
xo
haha, for a second I thought you meant “we will have celebrated his birthday six times” – as in – EVER. I thought, well yes, that’s what happens when you turn seven, you celebrate your birthday for the seventh time! haha
Then I continued reading and realize you meant, this year.
So THAT’S probably the dumbest thing I’ve done in a while.
Either that or while searching for my keys in my purse, forgot what I was searching for. That one’s a classic for me 🙂
I’d like to make you feel better, but the amount of stupid things I’ve personally done will NOT fit in a comment box. At least not without boring you and your other readers… {SIGH}
The best one recently: Bought a new coffee pot. Recommended it to BFF. She bought it. Two weeks later, made coffee only to have it spill out EVERYWHERE! Cursed. Called BFF to ask if hers had ever done this. It had not. Cursed. Get out owner’s manual. Decide to clean it. Make up cleaning solution. Go to pour it into basket. Basket is MISSING! Cursed. Cursed again for good measure. Made a frickin’ pot of coffee WITH the basket this time. No more worries. Coffee = happy mommy.
So, you’ve birthed two babies and you haven’t figured out that while babies are in the womb THEY STEAL YOUR BRAIN JUICE?!?! It’s true, and probably proven by some douchebag scientist somewhere that when women are pregnant, the itty bitty baby steal the mommy’s brain juice and she becomes functionally retarded.
Something stupid I’ve done recently… Hmm… I honestly can’t remember. I’m positive there’s been something but my slow ass brain can’t think of it. Stepping on cats is normal around here, since they are EVERYWHERE. I remembered to drive my gramma around and even did awesome when her car broke down in front of Target today… I must just be full of awesome right now!
I talked to my dad twice on the phone yesterday before I remembered it was his birthday. I felt pretty dumb.
Don’t feel bad! C’s father and I actually had to push back C’s birthday party because a week before his birthday…oops!…we hadn’t planned anything. We’re bad, evil people. Your main competition for the Worlds Best Mother is right here, baby!
Oh…and I bought his present ON MY WAY to his party. Ya…I know, I’m pretty much the best mom ever.
Brilliant plan for the gift. That’s one way to guarantee the Daver has to stick around long enough to put it together!
I recently got so fed-up with the Evil Genius (on top of my usual latent rage toward the world in general) that I told him if someone offered me a chance to go away and leave him behind for a month, during which time I wouldn’t have to see, hear, speak to, interact with, or even think about him, I wouldn’t even pack a change of underwear – I’d just go. And maybe I wouldn’t come back after.
Yeah, he’s five-and-a-half. To him that’s like saying “I hate you forever and I want to go away and abandon you because you suck so much.”
He didn’t cry, just sat there looking shell-shocked until I came to my senses and initiated conciliatory cuddles and book-readings, and reassured him that I would miss him terribly if I went away, and I would most certainly come back, no matter what, and our hearts would still be connected, anyway, and I always love him even when I’m mad or frustrated or annoyed, or don’t like what he’s doing. Whew.
Still, if anyone’s offering a month-long, all expenses paid vacation…umm…
At least you finally remembered what you’d forgotten, and it wasn’t even a month after! It’s the newest link – they take up all your memory until you download them, those little ones.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
I forget to buy my dad anything for his birthday (until that day, on my way to eat dinner with him) or to get him a card.
Not as bad, you say?
My dad and I have the SAME birthday.
Well, today I got $10 cash back at the grocery store and LEFT IT IN THE MACHINE! Needless to say, when I got to the liquor store and opened up my wallet, I was PISSED! Now that was a boner!
Ah, if that is the worst thing you do as a mom, you are OK!!
I actually had a GOOD day- got some kick ass tips- yay for good tippers!
But, I am ALWAYS doing dumb ass things..like the time a few years ago I was pulling out of a parking spot,going forward..no problem, right?
except it had a CONCRETE divider in front of it..yeah, I drove RIGHT over it.
never did tell my husband..lol..
OR the time I Was trying to park on the street in front of my house, and bumped the curb, and blew out my tire…
OR the time I was walking in the rain, thru my yard…slipped on a slight hill, and BROKE my ankle, on both sides, and required surgery to install a plate and screws to keep it all together!!!
Like I said, I am full of dumb things..lol..
Apparently while I was pregnant, I was soooo stupid that my mother and my aunt were extremely concerned and had several conversations about how they could keep an eye on me.
Lately, I couldn’t even begin to list the things. It’s kind of like a lifestyle now.
I had a full on 3 Stooges moment and walked into the glass wall/door at a music store. It echoed quite nicely through the store, so all the patrons could see me stumbling backwards like a lunatic.
When talking about soft shell crabs I asked my boss
“Have you ever had crabs?” You could practically hear crickets in the lab, and then the muffled snickering. I blushed a delicate shade of violet and ducked the fuck out of there.
Congratulations on your first baby’s birthday and making it through motherhood with your sense of humor in tact and thriving.
Happy birthday kiddo!
Yesterday I had court and was supposed to be doing it in front of my boss. I prepped all the files and wrote it up in a nice document, which I failed to print and throw in the box. So I show up without a single note on what’s going on with my cases.
If you tell anouther soul about this I swear I will never share these deep, dark secrets with you ever again.
After getting dressed the other day and putting my cute little strappy sandals on, I left for the store. I was walking around the store when I realized how sore my feet were. These were not new shoes so I wasn’t really sure why my feet were hurting. Until I looked down………
Damn things were on the wrong feet! Yes, I am 42 and I put my shoes on the wrong feet. *sigh
Oh I’ve got way too many to list here, but here’s a good one for ya. Set the house alarm before we went out last night, got home, sent Cheeks with the key to open the door, totally forgetting that the alarm was on, took my time getting a sleepy Cenzo out of the car, stepped on to the porch wondering what the hell that beeping noise was and why Cheeks was dancing around yelling “turn it off! turn it off!”, screwed up entering the code, finally got it right just as the alarm company called to ask if everything was ok. Um, yeah, everything’s fine – except my brain is in my ass and that’s numb from being in the car so long.
Oh, and whoops! Happy Birthday to Ben! (And just what entitles your brother to go to Hawaii without you? No fair, I say!)
Just today? You’ve got to narrow it down a little.
That’s easy. I drove away from the gas pump with the nozzle still in the truck. Yep. Tore the hose loose from the pump. Had the whole gas station lauging at me, except the clerk who had to come out with sand to soak up the spilled gas. He was not laughing. My coworkers will never let me forget it since I work with all men. Typical girl. Now, do you feel better?
You SO don’t want me to answer this.
I let my youngest play with my keys yesterday, so I could get some work done, only then it took me until later this morning to find them. That’s the most recent.
I’m sure you know this but your brain cells are going to make the “suasagero” or atleast your brainis being bathed in estrogen and thats hell on memory!
The dumbest thing I’ve done lately….well referred to myself as one of my kids “mom” and um signed my girl name to something after having my man name for over a year and not being a mom no more lol!
Birthday responsibilities make me so anxious, I like to block them out, on purpose.
Well, for one, I just read this whole post thinking “haha! She’s so confused, today’s not August 19th!
P.s. Except in my mind, I closed the quote at the end of that sentence!