Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

In Our Worst Idea To Date Besides Chucking Our Life Savings Into Twinkies And A Deep Fryer


This is the only way we were dumb enough to have done what we just did.

Aunt Becky (looking in the mirror, probably inspecting for stray eyebrow hair): Hey Dave, would say I was more hauntingly or more mysteriously beautiful?

The Daver (randomly looking through a pile of mail, deciding it was fruitless, leaving it half-opened in favor of the Xbox): I had a really, really great idea. We should move the fireplace from the living room to the dining room. Can I pencil you in to do that tomorrow?

Aunt Becky (looking in a mirror, trying to look at own ass): I guess so. On a scale of one to ten, how hot is my ass?

The Daver (playing with his balls): A nine. I think we should consider buying a BIGGER TV and another X-box. Then I can play 2 games at once! Doesn’t that sound totally worthful?

Aunt Becky (still in bathroom, admiring newly colored hair from all angles): I can’t believe that you just said worthful. Anyway, I told my stylist, Linda, that I wanted my hair to look JUST LIKE BRITNEY’S, and look, she didn’t dye it enough. Do I look fat with blond hair?

The Daver (eyes have glazed over, but is now staring intently at box of Munchems willing them to come to him so that he doesn’t have to get up): No, honey. Hey, you wanna go out for a beer?

Me (making kissy-faces at self in mirror with new shade of Pussy Pink lipstick): Sure I’d like to order food. Big Girl wants an egg roll.

The radiator clanks so loudly that both jump about 4 feet into the air, completely skewing what the other heard

And that, folks, may be the reason that Dave and I were stoopid enough to CHOOSE to move the week before Christmas. I can’t think of any other sane person deciding that this would be the best course of action:

Sane Guy #1: Hey, it’s a couple weeks before Christmas. Wanna move?

Sane Guy #2: Are you fucking outta your mind? What kind of idiot would move now? Huh?

Sane Guy #1 (chuckles loudly): Juuuuuust kidding. Wanted to see if you were listening to me.

Come to think of it, Guy #1 sounds pretty female.

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