He’s Just Not That Into You
Now it’s been quite a long while since I’ve dated, I feel I must admit this up front, rather than try to be all lookit me, I’m An Authority On Dating, see my credentials? Sure, I’ve dated men from television, hell, I’ve even married them, but I can tell you for certain that neither Mr. Bourdain or Mr. D’Onofrio has the slightest idea that an anonymous Midwestern girl is married to them. Probably for the better.
But I was talking with a good friend of mine last night about dates and dating and all of the assorted bullshit that goes along with it. Because at least 99.9% of it IS bullshit, only you don’t realize it at the time. This friend of mine has been a friend for the last 14 or so years, so it’s safe to say that we’ve been through a lot of that maturing process together.
We’ve also spent a inordinate amount of time talking about the motivations behind why Mr. Dickfore didn’t call. Maybe he got lost in Siberia and his cell phone had no reception at his grandmother’s funeral where his dad ran over his cat. But I’m sure he’s still into you. He’ll call, I swear.
When we were younger this was sport for us. We’d grab a pack of smokes, hit up the local diner and spend literally hours deciphering Why He Acted This Way. There was a modicum of fun involved, of course, but the desperation was mighty. And we weren’t exactly Losers with a capitol ‘L.’
Yet we couldn’t believe that anything about dating was as straightforward as it actually is. If a dude likes you, he’ll find the time to call no matter WHO died. If he wants to see you, HE WILL. If dating is enough work that you find yourself rehashing ad nauseum with your friends and logicating (why YES, I made up that word, thank you for noticing!) why he didn’t call/see you/showed up with another girl, it’s probably not worth it.
What bugs me the most is not the realization a la Sex In The City that he’s just really not that into you, but that I wasted so many fucking hours of my life obsessing over men who didn’t give a flying poo about me. I can only imagine how much more I could have done if I hadn’t wasted so much time wondering if he’d like my hair straight or curled, my pink or my red shirt, or why he said that he liked that Averil Lavine song (shudder, shudder).
I wish that damn book had come out when I was younger and before I realized that relationships weren’t that hard to figure out. At least the good ones aren’t.
What do you wish you could tell your younger self?
I wish I could tell the young me that she doesn’t always have to be a bad ass. It’s OK to be wrong. Learn to give a little and your relationship will be much better.
I would shake the young me and scream, “What are you doing? Run away! Run away fast! He’s just not that into you! Notice how he only shows up when it works for his schedule? When he has time? When you have things to do but drop them for him? Huh? HUH?!?”
ah. That felt good. Thank you! I did wise up, but it could have happened sooner!
I would tell the young me that first of all, stop perming your hair! For God’s sake, you hair is naturally curly, and all one length. Thus, you have a fucking triangle on your head. STOP IT.
And the next time some douche bag, loser and/or alcoholic comes knocking, leave him. You can do better. YOU CAN’T FIX EVERYONE!! (I have since learned that I? Am a fixer…)
P.S. Thank you for the comment. I appreciate it. This really blows!
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damnit… its, not it’s
OMG, you are so right on! I wrote a letter to a friend of mine about a year ago saying this same thing. I spent years, YEARS, pining over boys who had no idea I existed. What a freakin’ waste of time! I actually remember planning particular outfits in order to impress certain boys. (Not that we don’t do that now, but it’s different. LOL.) Because, you know, in 6th grade, that’s all the boys are thinking about-whether or not you are going to be rockin’ your pink and ivory sweater with your giant silver heart pendant on Wednesday or not…or maybe the gold one…OMG WHAT IF HE LIKES THE GOLD ONE BETTER???
“Sucking his dick won’t make him go out with you.”
You can’t make him happy; he either is or he isn’t…
also, stop obsessing about boys and do your homework and study.
We’ll try to pass this wisdom on to our daughters sometime in the next 12-18 years, but they won’t listen. They’ll have to learn the hard way, like we did.
The same thing I’ve been telling my daughter for the last week – 15 is too damn young to tell a guy you can’t live without him – and so is 18.
I would have made myself accept the FULL scholarship to the college far far away and not have stayed home at a dumb ass local college just so I could be with HIM who cheated on me in the second month of that Freshman year, because I was too insecure to leave him behind. Who knows how kick ass I would be today if I had gone away.
Oh wow!
I would tell younger me, to keep my mouth shut when drunk, to remember it CAN be worse, and that I already knew who my real friends were, it just wasn’t obvious yet.
And dating advice, I would tell myself to call Jephie more, and Aaron less.
I would tell my younger self that women do not have Adam’s apples.
Kidding. Kind of. But I wouldn’t warn myself about anything. My mistakes were many and they were awful, but they were mine and they led me down this path on which I am very happy today.
What would I tell my younger self? Don’t eat that sugar cube that supposedly only contains one hit of acid. ‘Twas a rough couple of days, my friend!
Beyond that, I did all right. The guy thing I never had a real problem with, because I was more like a guy when it came to dating. If I wasn’t feeling it, I moved on. I whined over one guy, only because I knew he loved me as much as I loved him. His family HATED ME, though, because they had already chosen his mate, and the pussy did what his mama and sister wanted.
He ended up married way too young, miserable and 100 pounds overweight and tells everyone how he should have stayed with me. No malingering on my part.
I would tell my younger self, have only one credit card and pay it off every month. Save as much money as you can. Don’t gain weight.
If I were the sort to talk to my younger self (and really, I’m not – life is what it is), I would say “Your grandmother is a completely delusional bitch and nothing you do will ever be enough because she’s just a cow that way. You ARE worth loving, despite what she said. Food is not better than therapy, no mater how much you want it to be. Retail therapy isn’t the answer, either – it’ll just make things worse when the bills come due. Also, you’ll have a lot of crap to dust, cluttering up your home and making every move a nightmare of heavy boxes, smashed fingers, and squashed toes. Live simply, honor and nurture your spiritual self, and let go. You know what I’m talking about. Let it go. Life goes on. Love fearlessly, fiercely, and freely. Do what brings you joy, regardless of the pay – less stuff for more happiness is a better than fair trade. It’s your life – you live it as you see fit and tell the nay-sayers to sod off. ”
But would I listen??
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
I wonder if I would have believed the book in my younger days, or if I would have said to myself, “Well, yeah, but that doesn’t apply to MY situation.” If I have a daughter, it will be required reading, and there will be tests.
Noticed your tag for this post and had to give you this link.
Boy oh boy, where do I start? Seriously, I was just thinking about the whole boy/girl torture thing the other day, and it drove me crazy to think that guys had that much POWER over girls…wthell? At least it is the other way around when you’re older…heh. I would tell myself do NOT sleep with a guy to make him stay with you, he’ll start seeing your best friend anyway. Also, pot is fun, so smoke as much as possible..oh wait, I did. But don’t smoke the pot you find at your friend’s sister’s lake house when you skip school and have a party there, because it contains something ungodly that willl make you hallucinate all day. Also, don’t ever wear those camel toe jeans again, and stop teasing your bangs so high. Motherfuck. OH, and finish college.
Want to hear something freaky? Recently, after never having seen a single episode of Sex and the City, I started watching the series in order on dvd. Last night the episode that I watched was the one you are talking about. I just thought it was a bit weird, haha.
I have never dated so I never went through the whole “is he going to call?” crap. I guess that’s a good thing. I always went straight from relationship to relationship.
I would go back and tell my younger self,
“You’re supposed to call her.”
What I’ve learned is that one person REALLY has to be into the other person, if not both people really into each other, for a relationship to work.
BTW – Have you had that kid yet?
i would tell my college self: just skip class after a night of drinking and smoking and waking up too late to shower… god i must have smelled AWFUL.
To hang on. It gets better.
To my younger self: When the spirit moves you to call someone – CALL THEM. No regrets that way. Learn about proper diet and exercise BEFORE you gain 45 pounds in college. Don’t worry so much about what other people think. Most of them don’t matter anyways.
I’d tell myself to worry less what people think and care more about what I think. That my opinions were just as important as anyone else’s, and that I should not waste time trying to be friends with girls I didn’t even like.
I’d tell my younger self, you’re prettier than you think. Don’t care about what the other kids say and for heaven’s sake have some freaking fun once in a while. Life is way too short to be that serious.
contrary to popular belief, the farmer will indeed buy the cow even if he gets the milk for free.
So funny you wrote this. I think this all the time. Now that I am married to a wonderful man who treats me like a queen, I wonder why I took such garbage and wanted the ones who did not want me back. It seems so obvious that a guy will call if he likes you, but my 20 something self just didn’t get that. At least not many of my friends did either, so we had each other’s shoulders to cry on!
I would tell myself this is the moment. Right here. Right now. It’s not about tomorrow, it’s not about yesterday. It’s about Right. Now. And I try to take that advice from my future self all the time.
(Aunt Becky, please delete my comment with all the typos. Sigh. I’d also tell my younger self: “proofread!”)
I would tell myself, “Take Zoloft. It will change your life.”
Wow, what a question! When it comes to men (boys), I could pick any random moment in my dating history and whisper into my younger self’s ear: “You could do better.” Seriously, just because he likes you, that’s not a good enough reason to be with him. You’d better think he’s spectacular, not just the only one who was interested in you.
More generally: Lighten up. You know all those people who are surely spending all their time talking about you behind your back, assessing your weight, your skin, your clothes, your hair, and that stupid thing you just said? They’re actually spending all their time worried about what people are saying about them. Now that I have a daughter of my own, I just pray that I can get some of this stuff through to her so she can figure it out sooner than I did.
i am currently dating. it is way, way more fun once you realize that if he wants to see you again, he will, like, call you. if he wants to date you, he will, like, arrange to do so. it’s mightly easy actaully.
i had a date last night, a first date, with a very nice, very heavily tattoo’d, very cute man. it was fun.
what i would have told my younger self? there are a lot of men who will want to date you. not just this one. also? even if no other man EVER wants to date you? you’re still okay. dumb younger self.
That you’re so much more than “his girl.” That you’re beautiful, smart, and strong. That you need to have more confidence and just be yourself, people will love you for it. That he treats you that way because he is afraid you’ll finally realize how amazing you are.
P.S. HE’S CHEATING ON YOU!!!
Dear Younger Self: Stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself. You’re being used and you deserve so much better. And you’ll find it, only not until you’re almost 30. Hang in there.
Love, Older Self
I would tell my younger self to save up my tears for later…they’ll be more important when I am older…the boys you are or wish to date are not worth it!
That’s a pretty good summation of what I’d tell young me. Well, that and stop bleaching your hair with Sun-In, you idiot.
Dear Aunt Becky,
I had no choice but to turn this great question into a blog entry:)
xo – pj
I think I would tell my younger self to stop dieting!!! “You’ll never imagine how fat, you’ll one day be–You can diet then!! Eat the doughnut, girl . . .come on . . . just do it!!!” 🙂
You’re not fat, so quit worrying about it, because that will make you fat.
Oh, and if you could quit being so damn angsty, that would be good too.
Thank you for your comment on my blog, so glad you still pop by! Been thinking about you a lot too, I have to catch up on your posts but I hope you had a good festive season with lots of chocolate and minimum drama.
What do I wish I could tell my younger self? Sleep with more men and walk away. Do more of what you want to do and less of what your friends are doing. In a nutshell, work on the bad ass attitude.
I would tell myself to RELAX. And FOCUS! The drama with boys and friends is not nearly as big of a deal as it seems and there are more important things to worry about.
And then my young self would blow off my advice.
Hmmm I would tell my younger self not to be so obsessed about birth control – hahahaha!
No seriously, I would tell myself that a pass is a pass and that studying so bloody hard was totally not necessary…
xxx
Stay in Girl Scouts, your fucking troop will go to Europe without you if you don’t.
Dating just SUCKS! There is no to ways about it. Men are tools.
I would tell myself that none of the guys I like will be interested in me, so why bother. A woman without a man is still a woman.
Considering I’m still dating at 31 (er rather, single. I don’t date really) … I remind myself quite frequently that a lot of them were dickwads and even more of them will be. Thankfully, I caught on to that “He so wasn’t into me” kinda thing before the book/movie/hype. Yeah, I always got it. Still doesn’t help me land tail but at least I never wasted much energy on the “whys” of dating.
Really? Same thing I told my younger self:
“A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.”
Oh, that, and keep obsessing about your weight. Because if you have eating issues at 12, you will not believe the size of your pants at 30.
Lemme first say that there’s a reason hindsight is 20/20. We can look back all day long and wonder why we did this or that, but everything we did lead us to who we are today. So I embrace all the stupid right along with the wonderful.
But just the same, What would I like to tell my younger self? That no matter what he says, everytime he hits you and then says he’s sorry – he’s not. He’s gonna knock you in the head again. You’ve been there and done that, learned all you can from this experience…move on.
I wish I could tell myself a couple of things:
It gets better.
None of it matters.
Because aren’t those both true? All the agonizing I did over whatever guy whose name I don’t even remember anymore DOESN’T MATTER. And maybe this advice wouldn’t have made a difference, but at least I could have tried.