Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Go Ask Aunt Becky Et Al


First, go here. Read this. It made me cry.

Then write your story over there

Or here.

ALL of them.


Okay back? Good. Here goes:

I owe you a bit of an explanation, Pranksters. Without warning I stopped writing my Go Ask Aunt Becky column, which, as someone with a high degree of anal retentiveness (*waves*), drove me crazy.

I’d started my lame advice column as a joke, intended to write up dumb answers to such things as “why do I have so much sausage in the fridge?” and “where are my pants?”

Instead, you guys sent me real questions with real problems and I? Well, I got…overwhelmed? I guess that’s the word. My life has been a roller coaster of weird lately and I, well, I wouldn’t take any of my own advice. Ever. You don’t want to be like me.

The other non-serious questions had to do with blogging, mostly of the “how do I get famous?” variety. And while I’ve written my Blogging for Dummies Guide, I’m not sure how to answer that sort of question without getting all, “with fame comes great responsibility,” or whatever.

My own blog grew organically because I hit the right segment of the population at the right time, not because I had an excessively awesome theme or anything. Like anything else, blogging is a hit-or-miss kinda thing and some people make it and you’ll totally get why while others (*waves*) confound you – how could someone be so dumb?


I’ll get back into my advice column. Feel free to submit questions up at the top of my screen – and, as always, feel free to give your advice in the comments.


Dear Aunt Becky,

Why should I ask your advice if you’re not a real professional?

Dear Prankster:

You get what you pay for.


Hey Aunt Becky,

Recently I found out a friend I had lost contact with had been a victim of, carjacking, kidnapping, and sexual assault. She is almost a year survived from the attack, but having terrible ptsd, Keeping her from working and enjoying her young life. I no longer live near hear and wanted to send a care package to her to show her my love. Any ideas for this package? I thought spa, but really think that might not be the best idea, with the physical contact. Any ideas would be wonderful. (btw man was caught and charged for all these awful things he has done to her)
Love your niece,

Hello my darling Kay!

What happened to your friend is fucking hideous and you? Are full of the awesome for wanting to help her.

I’d suggest sending her a package of random stuff to make her smile – I agree that the spa thing is probably a bad idea. I’d fill a box with random things – some chocolate, some goofy craft stuff, a tiara, whatever – cute stuff she can go through and giggle at. And write her a nice letter telling her you’re thinking of her.

I’ve made you THIS for helping someone heal from sexual assault, and I hope it helps.

Send your friend all my love. And you too, for being such a kickass friend. We could all be so lucky.




Dear Aunt Becky,

I feel really awkward calling you that but hey it’s whatever. One simple question I’m a mom and I want to start a mommy blog but I don’t want it to be traditional like the ones you read while you’re bored surfing the internet and the first sentence is … kat took her first poop in the big girl toilet.

haha big FUCKING woop.

Do you have any advice not to be that mom and where do I start?

Dear Prankster,

I love the awkward – assumed familiarity is beyond hilarious. And you don’t want to write about your kid taking a shit? THANK YOU, on behalf of the Internet, THANK YOU.

I wrote up this Blogging for Dummies Guide – let me know if it helps.

Love you,


7 Comments to

“Go Ask Aunt Becky Et Al”

  1. On April 22nd, 2012 at 11:52 am Liz Says:

    Mommy Blogs are inherently about poops in the potty, unless your kids are older, and then you get to be all, “I’d never post that”. Which isn’t true. When your kid produces a first poo in a potty, it’s so exciting you take a picture and post it. Well, I didn’t, but so many do. I have a mommy-blog. I don’t update it very often, but now that my family is stalking me via facebook I might pick back up with the blog. It got awkward and all about pictures of my kids instead of about me and my journey as a mother. See, I never had motherhood and wifedom on my to-do list, and now I’ve done both. Am still doing both, I should say. Some of it’s interesting, much of it only relates to me, like my genius kids, my autistic son, my annoying yippy little dog who will never be as cool as my other dog was, and my cancer-kitty.

  2. On April 22nd, 2012 at 12:45 pm Starle Says:

    After a week (!!!) with no internet it is so good to be able to come back and read your words!
    I agree with your advice to both of the questions. The only thing I would add as a new blogger myself is..write for you. Write what you want to write. You can not write to an audience. Make it yours and have fun!

  3. On April 22nd, 2012 at 11:55 pm Grace Says:

    Yes yes yes yes!!! A tiara is a MUST in a package like that!! My sister sent me a tiara once, and it’s never failed to make me smile. I wear it when I do the laundry. What a wonderful friend you are to send a care package to your friend.

    Oye. Mommy blogs. Do I have one? Yes. Will I tell about my baby’s first poop in the potty when we get to that stage? Oh hell, I hope not! But who knows? I’m insane. But I love to write, and like the previous poster said, write for yourself! Write whatever you want to write about. Don’t limit yourself to just what your kids did that day. When I want to write, but don’t have a fun family story, I report on stupid criminal stories because they make me laugh. Find your “thing” and write about it.

  4. On April 23rd, 2012 at 1:11 am Jadzia@Toddlerisms Says:

    I would like never to see another “poop in the potty” picture. Although we’ve got 2 more kids to potty train, I hereby promise you will never see such a thing on my blog! (Although I do sometimes make jokes like, “If you’re old enough to [X], you’re old enough to use the !@#$!#$ potty.”) Trust me, poop is never funny or cute to anybody who’s not related to the creator of the poop in question.

  5. On April 23rd, 2012 at 4:43 pm natalie Says:

    sorry, not a mom, but HAVE to weigh in on the blog thing – potty humor is funny at any age, period. I’m way closer to thirty than i like to think about and still lose my shit when ever someone talks about, well, shit. not that I want a play-by-play of your child’s BMs or anything, but when he craps his big kid pants and then wipes it on the wall because he decides he doesn’t want it on his leg?? that is comedic gold and wll have me cry-laughing at my desk for a good 108 seconds.

    when the BF went out of town last, my souvenir was “everyone poops.’ it’s now a coffee table book, no joke.

  6. On April 24th, 2012 at 1:34 am Devan Says:

    Ok, my kid just started pooping in the potty like 5 days ago, so I am fresh on the subject. I did take a picture, (I don’t have a blog) but I did NOT post it on FB, I kept it for my own personal viewing. I did post a status about my kid getting up and pooping in the night on her very own on day 3 of training. I guess it was too much cause some commented that it was TMI. I thought it was freaking amazing! (she got some poop on the outside of the potty but I didnt go into all that, I just said there was a little “misplaced poop” – I guess it was not preferred FB reading material). It’s hard not to write all about our kids, they kinda take over our lives for a “few” years….
    Love you AB!

  7. On April 25th, 2012 at 8:30 am Just Me Says:

    My almost-20 year old son used to wake up from his naps whenever he pooped his diaper. He then removed said diaper himself, because hey, who wants to sit in shit? (Other than some of those freaky fetish sorts, but let’s not go into that arena.) Anyway, after naptime his crib would be decorated in all kinds of awesome. And now I feel left out because the internet barely existed back in the day and I didn’t get to blog about it. And dammit, if I couldn’t be a mommy poop-blogger, no one else should get to be either. It’s like the golden rule of mommy blogging.

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