Go Ask Aunt Becky
Hey Aunt Beckster. I have a 3 year old, a one year old and just found out I’m pregnant again. So I’ll have a newborn, a 2yo and a 4yo this December. Now this pregnancy is something we tried for. I was all eye of the mother fucking tiger Imma gonna get pregnant now! Now that I am though, I’m a little freaked out.
Am I fucking nuts? How the hell am I going to do this? Having two kids drives me nucking futs some days. How crazy is having 3 kids really?
Do you have a minivan?
*looks around shiftily*
*crosses fingers behind back*
Having three kids is EASY as PIE. Heh. Heh. Heh. Disregard every other time I’ve said, “three is a fucking LOT of kids” because, um, it’s not.
Think about it like this: you’ll have a couple of ridiculously hard years, then? The kids will play together and leave you ALONE.
And yes, I do own a minivan (SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH) that may win an award for the UGLIEST thing ever. I hate minivans. But they’re really fucking useful. So there’s that.
So three? *flips hair back* Three kids are GREAT. They’re the magic number.
Hi Aunt Becky,
Without going into tooooo many details, my ex-husband decided going into the divorce that I was going to be psycho. He has told everyone we know (including teachers, OT, PT, daycare, etc.) that I am psycho.
When we split up, he had the upper hand and I was essentially left with the one u-haul (one day early, along with with my baby).
How do I deal with this? I FEEL psycho, because he makes me feel psycho because he treats me like it, in order to make the divorce work out in his favor.
In other words, he decides I am crazy, so anything I do fits into that mold, no matter what. What should I do? Sometimes I want to just leave the m’f’ng country but that would mean leaving my baby behind.
Seriously, AB, I am at my wits end here. I am a mom, and the dad is obviously smarter than me. What do I do? I just want to curl up and die. Really. Or go back in time, except that then I wouldn’t have my baby, except…maybe that would be for the best?
Hurting and lost here.
Aw, Prankster, that’s what ex’s are good for: making you feel nuts. What you need is a good therapist or someone who can remind you that you’re not fucking psycho. In a couple years, with some distance, you’ll manage to see that it was never, ever you, and hopefully, feel less alone.
My heart breaks for you because I remember the insidious way that my ex made me feel all those years ago. You DO end up feeling like it’s you. I know that.
But I also know that it’s not me. Nor is it you.
So I suggest you find yourself a good therapist and a good defense attorney, scream EYE OF THE TIGER whenever you’re feeling low, and fight this motherfucker. Or you can give him MY phone number and I’ll tell him precisely what I think of him.
Ain’t NOBODY messing with MAH Pranksters.
Much love to you. Let us know what happens.
Dear Aunt Becky,
I have two not-so-related body image questions, and if you don’t mind I’m going to ask both now before they fly out of my memory.
First, I have a few acquaintances (FB friends, moms from school, etc.) who think nothing of publicly slamming other people’s bodies all the time. You know, things like, “God, does she own a mirror?” or “To the lady in front of me at Target – you can’t pull off skinny jeans.”
This REALLY annoys me – and not just because I am a plus sized woman, which I only mention in the interest of full disclosure. I have three daughters, and I don’t like the idea that their bodies could be seen as public property open to commentary from total strangers. Life is tough enough for girls and women, and I hate the catty, competitive vibe that accompanies these comments. Basically, I think a person’s body, style, etc. is no one’s business but their own.
Do I say something to these people? Do I ignore it, or is that compromising my integrity? I kind of wish I could cut some of them off, but I don’t want to create awkwardness that might trickle down to my kids.
My second question is about MY body. Before having kids, I used to sleep naked all the time, especially in summer. It was comfortable and cool, and it certainly made less laundry. I find myself missing that, but I feel like good mommies should wear nightgowns and giant bloomers. I have all girls, and I’d keep a nightshirt next to the bed to pop on in case of a middle of the night call (which, thank goodness, is not a regular event in my house anymore). Obviously, I’d put something on before leaving my room in the morning.
Would I be a skanky, nasty mommy if I went back to the buff?
Love,
ChickaBoom
Dear ChickaBoom,
A) I find no reason why, if these people are commenting on the size, weight, or look, of others, that you can’t say something like, “I’m not sure that bitching about how other people look is the appropriate message to send our daughters.”
That, I’d think, would shut them right the fuck up.
2) Sleep naked. Period. If you like to sleep in the buff, go right the fuck ahead.
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Pranksters? What other advice can you give these people?
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Oh, and I’ll be picking a winner for the shirt contest on Monday.
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And my column from Cafe Mom is UP, yo!
I had a 1 year old, a 3 year old and a 4 year old when the Blizzard of 78 happened and I got to spend 4 days snowed in with them. (The joys of New England living.) When I managed to get out the front door they were still alive. If I could survive that you’ll manage 3 kids, too.
You should hook those two moms up. They might be able to help each other out. One has three kids, one is GOING TO HAVE three kids.
How about a sister wife?
I wouldn’t mind a sister wife.
And I’d totally sleep in the buff.
Especially since no one is willing to buy me some pajama jeans. :p
3 kids IS insane, but not much more insane than 1 or 2. As long as you avoid having 19+, you’ll be fine.
Also, panicking the second you realize you are indeed pregnant (whether it’s your first or third) is very normal. I hope. Because I’m almost 8 months pregnant with my 3rd and holy shit what have I done? The husband and I will be outnumbered!
(If you haven’t already realized the outnumbered part, please disregard the last line of the second paragraph and well, this one too since it references it.)
Apparently, I have comments to the other two as well. Unusual. (I read the first, commented, then went back and read the rest.)
Dear miss getting divorced,
He can’t simply call you crazy and get the baby as a result. He has to prove it. He may make you feel crazy but that doesn’t make you crazy, and any judge knows that. Now, to really nip it in the bud, go ahead and get a therapist or a shrink who can fill out paperwork stating that no, you are in fact not psycho. And as AB pointed out, a good lawyer can’t hurt either. As an added bonus, with the stress of what’s going on, you probably could use a therapist anyways. THAT does not make you crazy. That is a normal response to one of the most stressful situations you could go through. Also if the lawyer is really good, your ex might end up having to pay for the therapist you are using to prove you aren’t crazy. (If your insurance won’t cover the costs, that is.) Maybe not, but worth the shot.
Dear Miss Likes to Sleep Naked,
I too hate sleeping with clothes on. My thing is I get tangled in them and that makes me claustrophobic. It should also be noted, I have 2 boys. (Now, my youngest is 3 and he still showers with me, so he sees me naked all the time and is too young for it to be a big deal. I try to avoid my 8yo seeing me naked because he’s old enough where it bothers him and I totally get that. Sometimes he ends up seeing me anyways, but that’s like maybe twice a year.) Like you, I keep a shirt by my bed in arm’s reach. If something happens in the night, it’s right there I can fling it on as I run out of my room. If the oldest bursts into my room in the night, I cover myself with blankets, and put the shirt on discretely. Though generally speaking, it’s dark and he’s either half asleep or so freaked out I could have a second head and he wouldn’t notice. (If the youngest bursts in, I don’t worry about him seeing me.) Honestly, with your kids being girls, and therefore you all have the same parts, I wouldn’t worry about it AT ALL. You aren’t even close to crossing the line by sleeping naked in the privacy of your bed with them in another room. Not even close. Just keep the night shirt close (not even for privacy but in the event of a fire, etc) and you are good to go.
PS, wanting to be comfortable when you sleep doesn’t make you skanky. Unless it’s having a dozen men you met the night before in bed with you that makes you comfortable. Then you’d be skanky.
3 babies ~ girl, You are me four years ago! I was thinking WTF have I done!! But after #3 was born, I realized it was gonna be crazy for a little while, but that #1 and #2 kept each other busy and played while I was dealing with the baby – a lot easier than when I added #2 and 18 month old #1 was just not getting it. Can you say run-on sentence? 🙂 Now that they are 7,6 and 4, they really love each other and play together so well, it is really not that hard. Now – talk to me in 7 years when they all turn into teenagers at the same time. Not looking forward to that AT ALL.
Divorcing – I have no words – I am so sorry he is doing this to you. FInd good helpers – therapists, lawyers friends and family on your side. {{{hugs}}}
Body image – (sleep wear) JUST DO IT! ;o)
i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your new blog design! go you!
ChickaBoom –
Nothing says “I have good body image” like sleeping naked. If you like sleeping naked, go for it! I love sleeping naked but I’ve found that I seem to wake up drenched a lot more in the hot, Arizona summers if I’m not sleeping in a tank and boxers…. Regardless, I can say with 100% certainty that having parents who slept in the nude did not damage me (much…heh)…no, really. My parents were very open with their nakedness and encouraged my sister and me to dress (or not dress) however we felt like at home.
Embrace yourself, embrace your skin. Nothing says awesome quite like sleeping naked, IMO.
Divorcing mom;
My cousin is going through a divorce right now – her soon to be ex is a selfish narcissist. When they met with the mediator it took one 20 minute session for the mediator to look at my cousin and say “he’s quite narcissistic isn’t he?”
My point is the professionals you will encounter during this difficult process unfortunately see this stuff every day and in general have no problem seeing the forest for the trees. Follow everyone’s advice and do look into a therapist and kick-a$$ attorney to protect you emotionally & financially & also – document. When you interact with the ex – take a friend along who could, if need be testify to your ‘psycho’ behavior..
Within days of my cousin filling for divorce – her ex was telling everyone that she had taken the children & he hadn’t seen them in weeks (they had been with him the night before). So I suggested to her that she snap a cell-phone pic when picking up/dropping off the kids. Its a quick unobtrusive way to have proof that no one is withholding visitation – as the phone automatically embeds date/time stamps.
Good luck & know you aren’t crazy!
Maggie
We had a kid-raising book once. I think it was eaten or used as a table raiser or something. Anyway, the book claims that if your kids see you naked after around the age of five it could be psychologically damaging to them. Maybe if they see you getting naked at their soccer game.
Or if you’re wearing a burqa otherwise. WTF.
Sleep in the buff. The kids will get grossed out later on in life, but hey, it’s better than wearing a burqa.
3 kids is not as hard as going from 1 to 2 kids, I swear. And a minivan will make your life so much easier. Also, teach your 4 year old and 2 year old to do as much as possible for themselves – get dressed for the 4 yo, get shoes on for the 2 yo, etc. You’ll all be happier for it.
I got nothing but hugs for you, Prankster. I’m sorry.
There’s nothing nasty about being naked.
Prankster #2 – If your friends have nothing better to say on their social media or texts or in person than comments about how other people look like crap, then what does that say about them? You could bring it up with them, explaining calmly and eloquently just how their negative, catty, objectifying comments make them look. You could even add that your girls have been seeing these comments, and even though the comments are not about your girls, they are taking to heart just how much they are being judged by people, and it is damaging them. Your friends might not realize what they’re doing, and they might be grateful for the nudge to think about how they treat people. Or, and I suspect more likely, they’ll tell you to stop being a pansy, or that everyone does it so that makes it okay, or they’ll try to turn it on you for judging their behavior, etc. etc. In which case, what a great opportunity to teach your girls about how to get rid of toxic people!
As for sleeping in the buff – it’s your bedroom, so it’s your choice. I personally think it is a subtle message about being comfortable in your own skin. Since this seems to be the message you want your girls to receive…I think you’ve answered your own question.
I can’t help much with the first ones, but to the last? I second sleeping naked. Seriously, my mom did and I wasn’t scarred. In fact, I think in a lot of ways it helped since I knew what her body looked like and thus it wasn’t all that weird when my body started looking more like hers.
Sleeping naked being more awkward is one of the only reasons I’m bummed to be having a boy.
For Chickaboom:
I saw this sometime last year and it seriously changed my life. I do not allow myself to engage in “Fat Talk” or allow the asshats who do to be a part of my life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKPaxD61lwo&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Long ago, so far back that I still had hair growing out of my head instead of my nose, ears and back, I had trouble complimenting my then new wife. A really smart fried told me to compliment anyone who looked halfway nice. Overweight? If she’d taken trouble to brush hair and teeth and paid attention to colors, compliment her. Just saying something like “that color really looks good on you.” It kind of changed my outlook a lot. Instead of looking for something to slag on a stranger, I was looking for something good.
This was good for my marriage and my life. Since no one ever called the Sheriff Dept when things were going really well I tended to never see people when they were at their best. Over time this really gets depressing. Funny, unlike many, perhaps most, of the men (and now women) in my line of work I made it to retirement with the same wife I started with, all without eating my gun or falling into the other pitfalls like bringing home a social disease.