Go Ask Aunt Becky
Dear Aunt Becky,
My grandpa died a few years ago. About a year after he died my grandma met Sam. He was a widower and they seemed to hit it off. No one else in the family was impressed. He isn’t very friendly, and did’t seem happy when Grandma insisted on coming to family events. I’ve only met him a few times, actually, because he doesn’t like to come around. That means I don’t see Grandma often because she doesn’t come without him. He had grandma sell her house and move away from the rest of the family about 4 hours away. We just wanted Grandma to be happy, and she seemed to be so we didn’t make a big deal about it.
A few weeks ago my cousin was staying with them, and they must have thought she was asleep, because she heard them arguing. She went to see what the noise was about and saw Sam hitting my grandma. Grandma admitted it happened but said it was the only time. Now we find out that Sam convinced my Grandma to put the proceeds of the sale of her house into a joint checking account. They have a pre-nup, but we’ve also discovered it only protects his money and not hers. Her money is now their money! Grandma is having significant health problems and we also found out that she is still expected to cook and clean and basically wait on Sam hand and foot even though he is in good health and she isn’t.
I am sick about this. We don’t know what to do. Grandma is from the generation that you don’t get divorced. Aside from killing HIM or kicking his ass, what can we do to get through to her?
I really want to go Eye of the Motherfucking Tiger on this asshole. Anyhow. My anger is not particularly valuable or helpful.
Elder Abuse is defined as a intentional or negligent act that causes harm or risk of harm to a vulnerable adult.
It’s clear that Sam is abusing your grandmother. Since she’s a vulnerable population, there are special agencies that you can contact about this.
If you (or anyone else) believe someone to be in danger, obvs call 911.
Please call Eldercare this week at 1-800-677-1116. They can give you specific information about how to get your grandmother the help she needs. It’s a directory of services in your area that you can utilize for help and additional resources.
I also have a list of State-By-State resources for the elder abuse reporting and assorted programs for the elderly in your state. It’s an excellent resource.
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)
Staff provide callers with crisis intervention, information about domestic violence, and referrals to local programs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Telephone assistance is available in many languages, including Spanish.
The Directory of Crime Victim Services is a Web-enabled, online resource sponsored by the U.S. Department of Justice, Office for Victims of Crime (OVC). The directory is designed to help service providers and individuals locate victim services in the United States and other countries. Search by location, type of victimization, service needed, or agency type.
(Shit, now you’re going to see that I may have exaggerated my cat video consumption. I’m showing you what a NERD I am. Damns. See I do a lot of researching and writing pages for Band Back Together, like THIS one, on Elder Abuse).
I wish you luck, Prankster. I’m so sorry your grandmother is being abused. If you need help “taking care of Sam” I’m in.
I’m not super-familiar with elder abuse, beyond this, so please, Pranksters, help me out here.
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As always, Pranksters, feel free to submit your most pressing questions to Go Ask Aunt Becky.
This is serious bullshit. I feel for you and your grandma. Aunt Becky wins at life for having all these great resources for you. I would also suggest finding a lawyer for her, too. Be picky…make sure the lawyer understands the situation fully and has solutions in mind. It seems to me that these kind of creeps try to use the law to help themselves out so they can justify their asshole behavior. I’m sure you see this, too, since the pre-nup that neglects her is obvious proof of that.
I wish you the best of luck with helping Grandma. It may be hard for her generation to divorce, or take a stand, but knowing that she has the amazing support from you might help her see the light. Much love to you both!
Like Aunt Becky if you need help with Sam I want in. I loved my grandparents with all my heart and had some two bit POS come along and tried to take advantage of one of them I probably would have risked catching a case myself to protect them. With that said def. look into the resources AB gave you and get a lawyer for gram one that will look out for her best interests, and hopefully find a loophole in that prenup to keep all of whats hers from becoming his. Good luck and bug (((hugs)))
I actually am dealing with some elder abuse issues with my grandparents. You need to get in touch with social services. If it can be proved that he is taking advantage of your grandma and just trying take her money and hitting her he will go to jail. Who hits a grandma? Seriously, I hope this Sam douchebag has a grand piano fall on his head.
I actually am dealing with some elder abuse issues with my grandparents. You need to get in touch with social services. If it can be proved that he is taking advantage of your grandma and just trying take her money and hitting her he will go to jail. Who hits a grandma? Seriously, I hope this Sam douchebag has a grand piano fall on his head.
Ditto the above. Will help you hide Sam’s body. No questions asked!!
me three – how about inside said grand piano!
Then we can take it to the desert and burn it. Abusing grannies is not cool!
Then we can take it to the desert and burn it. Abusing grannies is not cool!
Ditto the above. Will help you hide Sam’s body. No questions asked!!
Sam needs to come sit next to me a minute.
Abuse is often hidden because the victim feels shame, feels as though they are to blame or somehow deserving of it. Abusers use that shame/guilt to manipulate the victims. One of the first things an abuser does is isolate their victim, either by alienating their friends and family or by physically removing them from their community/support base. They then make the victim dependent upon them, causing the victim to believe they have nowhere else to go and that no one else will want them. Abusers may also use threats (veiled or obvious) against family, fiends, pets, and the vicitm to help cement the victim’s sense of futility and fear of leaving.
Often, a vicitm will need to leave more than once – last time I heard, it was an average of eight times – before they can cut the ties completely. For someone who is young (a child) or older (a senior citizen), it can be even more difficult to leave, easier to believe that no one wants them and there’s no recourse. SOciety tends to enforce their devaluation.
There are many shelters and programs, nationally and locally, to help victims of abuse. Look in your local yellow pages or do an Internet search if the links Aunt Becky provided aren’t enough.
I’d suggest retaining a lawyer if possible and finding out if the pre-nup can be negated – often, abuse is criminal and may nullify any legal steps he’s taken to gain her money, and a contract entered into under duress is void, anyway. If it’s valid, it doesn’t matter…it hurts to let the money go, but it hurts more to lose a loved one because a few dollars got in the way. Better a live grandma who is broker than a politician’s promise than a dead grandma.
I wish you luck in helping grandma …
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
The only thing I have to contribute is make sure she knows she has a place to go. Someone take her in, make her feel like part of the family (not that she isn’t, but sometimes people don’t want to take their parents in when they get to that point and in this situation, it seems like she just wants to have some connection during this part of her life). Good luck… please let us know if things turn out ok?
Aside from the resources Aunt Becky gave you, I don’t have anything to add. But I’ll be praying for your grandma and that through some of these resources you all can find some help for here.
Aside from the resources Aunt Becky gave you, I don’t have anything to add. But I’ll be praying for your grandma and that through some of these resources you all can find some help for here.
I am so sorry about what’s happening to your Grandma. In addition to the resources Aunt Becky posted, can you talk to Gram’s pastor or priest (from before Sam) and see if he/she can help Grandma protect herself?? That she has the right to do that?? And that marriage in not a reason to accept abuse?
Many huge hugs to you and your family.
The first step is definitely to call your state’s Adult Protective Services immediately (through the list that Aunt Becky posted). They should be open 24/7.
Aunt Becky, kudos for this list of resources that I hope I never have to use.
Nothing to add aside from really pushing for the lawyer. If you’re in Chicago, I may know a couple of folks who would be helpful in that area, but outside of that, I’m worthless. Thinking of you, your grandma and your family. Good for you for seeking help!
First, I’m sorry that your family is in this situation, and your grandmother is in my thoughts.
Second, pre-nups are tricky business. Courts don’t like them that much and they really don’t like them if they’re not fair. If your Grandmother wasn’t represented by her own personal lawyer who was only looking out for her interests, it’s usually null and void.
Third, property acquired BEFORE the marriage can’t be divided in a divorce unless someone has put significant effort into making the amount of money grow, like through playing the stock market.
Fourth, the only way the proceeds from the house could be divided equally in a divorce was if there a devient court in a communal property state (Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, sort of Wisconsin, and Puerto Rico). But as I said, it would be devient, and thus unlikely.
Lastly, the court system abhors people who take advantage of other people, especially the elderly, and especially women. The money is THEIR money, unless she takes it away, or gets a divorce. (It doesn’t say they’re married, but I assume they are if they have a pre-nup). Get a lawyer. Go to legal aid if she doesn’t have the money, and cut him off immediately. The law will help when your grandmother is ready to fight back.
((This totally isn’t legal advice, merely legal information, that could be found by anyone with a keen sense of Goggle-fu.))
In addition to the resources Aunt Becky recommended, I’d suggest having your cousin call the police to file a report. If they have strong enough suspicion that Sam is abusing her, they’ll arrest his scumbag ass. I’m married to a cop and the po-po doesn’t take kindly to people abusing the elderly.
I hope you and your family can get your Grandma’s life back in order.
Aunt Becky – you hit the nail on the head here. Get the authorities involved, sooner than later.
This is some serious bullshit, and it needs to be addressed as soon as possible.
Call your local district attorney’s office and find out who the lead detective in the local police department is who would deal with this and call him. Now.
My husband works with Adult Protective Services (I work with Child Protective Services) it sounds like you DEFINITELY need to call social services! At least, there is some spouse abuse going on, and probably some exploitation as well, with him taking the proceeds from the house…. Please please PLEASE be as supportive as possible for your grandma, she needs it! Hopefully, she’ll come around and leave his bitch-ass! Good luck!
My husband works with Adult Protective Services (I work with Child Protective Services) it sounds like you DEFINITELY need to call social services! At least, there is some spouse abuse going on, and probably some exploitation as well, with him taking the proceeds from the house…. Please please PLEASE be as supportive as possible for your grandma, she needs it! Hopefully, she’ll come around and leave his bitch-ass! Good luck!
I can’t add anything helpful either beyond what beloved Aunty Becky gave you, but know that I am PISSED on your grandma’s behalf and will keep her in my thoughts.
This is so horrible! I can’t even imagine if this were my grandmother. I hope everything works out for your grandmother, and like many others have said, if you need “help” with Sam, call the pranksters, we’ll help you out!
You’ve taken a big step. Let the comments & resources here be the next. We are THE BAND…..& we are with you. Talk to professionals, get your armor. Then joust Sam to pieces.
You’ve taken a big step. Let the comments & resources here be the next. We are THE BAND…..& we are with you. Talk to professionals, get your armor. Then joust Sam to pieces.
I AM GOING TO PUNCH THINGS. This is NOT OKAY.
God help this person and her family. Otherwise, I am going to hunt down some asshole named Sam. WTF.
Great job posting this. This is the best advice better. I hope Grandma gets the help she needs and gets this Sam out of her life.
I hope Grandma gets the help she needs. Hopefully Sam will kick the bucket soon, but not before somebody gives him a good whacking for being such an abusive jerk.
How on earth did he get a pre-nup arranged that protected only one partner in the marriage when both clearly had assets? That’s bogus.
Get her out of there if you possibly can. Men like this do NOT care for their wives. My aunt bled to death because her arsepick second husband was “tired” and “didn’t feel like driving her to the hospital” the night she was having complications of Chrone’s disease. There was nothing else wrong with her and she could have been saved had she gone to the hospital. As hard as it is for us to believe that she didn’t just call another family member (she had six kids who would have gone to the ends of the earth for her) or called an ambulance, that generation of women was brainwashed to be subservient and dependent.
I hope you’re able to talk her out of that marriage. That’s such a sad way to spend your last years and it’s so hard for your family to watch.
Also: GGGRRRRR!!!! Sam deserves to have the shit kicked outa him. And I’m not normally a violent woman, but I HATE BULLIES.