Go Ask Aunt Becky
Dear My Aunt Becky,
I am in my late 20’s and a virgin. This is not something that has happened intentionally. I am not saving it for marriage or anything like that. It just hasn’t happened yet.
I have recently started dating someone. We have gone on four dates, the most ever with one person for me. I really like him, and kind of want to jump him. The thing is, I feel like at my age I should know far more then I am going to. So I am torn. Do I tell him of my condition before the fact? I am concerned that if I do, I will scare him off, but if I don’t, he will just think I am exceptionally bad in bed, and it will scare him off.
What’s a girl to do?
As someone who has, in her day, had The Sex with people who did not deserve to stick their naughty bits in my own, I think that being a virgin is kinda awesome.
I’d be willing to bet that anyone who likes you will appreciate that about you.
If I were in your shoes, I’d go the honesty route. If it scares him off, fuck him. There is NOTHING shameful about being a virgin. Really, then he’ll know how to make sure your first time is special.
I bet he’ll find it charming.
Do let us know what you decide, Dear Prankster.
Dear Aunt Becky.
So this may not be a totally unusual situation but I need answers. The other day my friend turned 35 and was the recipient of lots of love and adoration. Her hubby and friends threw her a surprise party and he surprised her with a beautiful bracelet. I am green with envy..
I’m several years older than her and have been married for 13 years, my no good lazy asshole hubby has never surprised me.
What should I do to attain my life long dream of having someone throw my a surprise party and shower me with adoration and gushing for just one night?
Yours,
Unappreciated of South GA.
Here’s my advice: tell your husband what you want. In no uncertain terms: “I’d like you to a surprise party sometime, like my friend had. That would mean a lot to me.”
I know, I KNOW, it kinda defeats the purpose of a “surprise” party, but honestly, some members of BOTH sexes (myself included)(I have a vagina, just in case you were curious) can be pretty thick about that stuff. I’d, for one, be shocked if someone had been pining for a surprise party. Why? I’d rather saw off my toes than have one thrown FOR me.
Maybe that’s how your husband feels about them.
Also: some people are more thoughtful than others. Sounds like your friend’s husband is particularly thoughtful, which is a win for her, but hard to watch when you live with someone who isn’t.
Clue him in, see what happens.
And, if all else fails, go the Aunt Becky Route: throw yourself a party, buy yourself something exorbitantly sparkly and enjoy it because you bought it yourself.
Dear Aunt Becky,
I started watching Grey’s Anatomy last season so I don’t know whether it’s just the actress who plays Meredith or whether this is done on purpose but (excuse any spoilers) she doesn’t seem to be very upset about her miscarriage, neither does Derek for that matter.
I mean, she miscarried at an incredibly traumatic time for her but she seems to be very que sera about it.
Derek asked why didn’t she tell him so he could help her to get through it, but the line made it sound like she was already over it. And this was in the second episode!
A couple of weeks ago I was on your fabulous new website Band Back Together and i was truly touched by the stories I read from some women who did miscarry.
I don’t have any kids and I haven’t ever had a miscarriage so I’m curious about Merdith’s portrayal of her storyline and was wondering whether you could shed some light on it for me.
Is it just bad acting? Or is it just different for different people?
This is me, treading VERY lightly and asking other Pranksters to weigh in.
I’ve had two miscarriages in my life, back-to-back, actually, right before I got pregnant with Amelia. At the time it happened, it was a horrible hormonal roller coaster. When I got pregnant the third month in a row and started spotting right away, I flipped my shit. My progesterone, which hadn’t been a problem in previous pregnancies, was low. Insert suppositories, pray for the best. It was touch and go.
In that way, my miscarriages were traumatic for me during my pregnancy with Amelia.
While I experienced those two early miscarriages, I was sad. Now, I rarely think about them.
That sounds cold, but I don’t mean it that way. I got my daughter out of it. She wouldn’t be here without having had those two miscarriages.
Since I’m the last person on the planet to watch Grey’s Anatomy, I’m not sure what her reaction to the miscarriage was, but different people handle things differently. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve a loss – any loss.
—————-
I’ll be VERY interested to hear your reactions to these questions, Pranksters.
I have technically had two miscarriages. I say technically because the very recent one was a very late second trimester loss, so even though it was officially a miscarriage, I still labored and delivered and we held our baby. So I don’t really consider that one a miscarriage, even though it is the official medical term. Anyway, I don’t watch Grey’s, so I don’t really know the situation, but I guess I am saying that I have the experience. But I could see people reacting very different ways. I am devastated. And I was devastated with my early loss too. But I suppose that yes, you could let it go very easily or you could not. And I do a lot of hiding my feelings in public and among my family so that I don’t have to deal with everyone else. And then I pour everything out on my blog. Maybe this Grey’s character needs a blog.
Hahahaha! She *so* needs a blog.
I second that!
As a Grey’s Anatomy junkie, I feel qualified to respond to the second question despite never having miscarried.
If you’d seen the earlier seasons of Grey’s, you’d know that pre-Derek Meredith was a “dark and twisty” person with quite a past because she had a pretty dismal childhood. While no, she may not seem as upset as maybe she is/should be about the miscarriage, it’s pretty in keeping with her character to try to forget about it and move on. So there you go! Explanation for the Meredith mystery 🙂 Although it could also just be because Grey’s is going downhill these days and needs to start wrapping it up. I mean come on, their last episode was a musical. Seriously? Give it up.
Bwahahaha. A musical? BWAHAHAHAHA!
Oh it was hideous. It deserves some kind of horrible idea award.
OMG it was HORRIFYING!!!
To the first letter writer,
I was in a similar situation at the ripe old age of 25. I made the decision to tell the guy because I figured if he couldn’t handle it than I didn’t want to be with him anyway (fwiw Dan Savage says the same). He was understandably a little nervous when we finally did the dirty deed but 5 years later we’re married with a kid and another on the way.
Good luck!
I also was in a similar situation as the first questioner. I told the guy, and he freaked out from the pressure. It was really embarrassing, but in the end, I was really glad I’d told him because then I didn’t end up having sex for the first time with a guy who was more concerned about himself than me. I mean, it was a blessing in disguise.
I am a huge fan of grey anatomy and myself have been through 10 miscarriages (ranging from 7wks – 14wks). From my experience Meridith’s reaction was a common one – especially since she was early in her pregnancy. We are always told not to make a big deal out of early miscarriages in society. We’re told not to spread our news until we pass the first trimester; {which can make us feel that if we do miscarry it’s not a big deal} and Meridith hadn’t even told Derek yet. Also with all that was going on at the time of her miscarriage (ya know, Derek almost dying) she likely felt that trumped what happened to her & her baby.
I bet you will see more of her grief come out later on. Even with her talking in the latest episode in the elevator how much pain she had for the ortho doctor whos daughter was born — those tears stemmed from her grief.
Grief is a tricky thing – people will deal with it and move on from it in very different ways – especially for something like a miscarriage because we that grief is traditionally not understood my many.
?
Grief is such a unique thing for everyone and miscarriage is such a hushed-up thing. So it’s hard for many to handle. Half the hospital staff I met with my second miscarriage was all, “um, what’s this about?”
{PS} — i dont know why that “?” is there – i blame the cat…<3
Also not a Grey’s fan, so I don’t know the circumstances involved in the storyline. But having had a couple of miscarriages myself, I’ll say this about how people react to one: Grief can be expressed in many ways.
Very few people even knew I’d had one miscarriage, let alone two, until I passed the first-trimester danger zone in this pregnancy a couple of months ago. (In fact, Aunt Becky, you were the first person outside of my inner-inner circle that I mentioned them to. And because you are awesome, you provided more comfort than you know.)
My first pregnancy was over very shortly after it began. At work. Right before lunch. I cried on my way to lunch, drank a glass of juice, sent my boyfriend a text, called my dad, and went back to work. I was crushed, but as it was early days both in the pregnancy and in my attempts to become pregnant, I put on a brave face and vowed to try harder. No more than 5 people knew there was anything wrong with me at all.
The second miscarriage was devastating. I held on to the pregnancy long enough to get the doctor’s endorsement of my pee stick. We told the grandparents. Plans were initiated. My belly was rubbed and spoken to. And the night before I was to go on vacation, I started spotting.
I was more emotional that time, but given the circumstances (on a long-awaited vacation, surrounded by strangers), I stuffed everything inside; I hate for people to see me cry, and I didn’t have any alone time to speak of for a solid week. Inside, I was a mess, but giving in to the grief would have felt like giving up.
Instead, I set out to make that trip the Greatest Vacation Evar. Upon my return, I abandoned the scientific approach to babymaking in favor of the shotgun approach — have as much sex as possible, in the hopes that something would stick. (All this was before I’d seen the doctor, who advised me to take a month off from trying to let my body rest. Oops.) I also went overboard on Christmas; the next few weeks were an orgy of baking and decorating and wearing the numbers off my credit cards. I had over 150 Christmas cards stamped and in the mail the day after Thanksgiving, and all of my shopping wrapped and under the tree by December 1. I also went into overdrive at work, cranking out projects faster than people could review them (or wanted to — it was the holidays, after all).
Few people knew anything was amiss. Including me.
Now that I look back on it, it’s clear that I was grieving. I just grieve by doing. Denying the thing that caused me pain gave me a feeling of control at a time during which I felt powerless against my own body; constant activity kept my mind from straying near the source of my pain. I’m not saying this is the healthiest way to deal with grief, but we do what we gotta do to get by.
Like you, I grieve by moving. I do a lot of thinking when I spend time in my garden and tending to my flowers. I used to do it while I drove back and forth to school.
But you can always tell my mental state by the state of my carpets. If they’re as perfect as white (WHITE!?!) carpets can be, I’m probably upset.
Aunt Becky I think you hit the nail on the head with this one: there is not right or wrong way to grieve a loss. Well put, my friend.
For some women a miscarriage is the most horrible thing they will ever go through, for others it’s not. Some will fall apart, others won’t. That doesn’t mean she wanted her baby any less, it’s just means she handles it differently.
The media has conditioned us to believe woman are fragile and should be an emotional mess after a loss. We’re all supposed to go crazy aren’t me? I mean we are FRAGILE!
But the truth is we’re not.
As always, I <3 you Aunt Becky. Sorry for hijacking your post.
No, it’s a good perspective. I’m glad you shared it because it’s really a weird thing. You remember when it happened to me and I *was* devastated then. But then, I was okay again.
Which is kinda how I handle things, I guess.
I think this is relative to a personal space and time…there is no ‘blanket response’ to miscarriages. I had a miscarriage 3 mos after my 13 month old son died. That miscarriage meant nothing to me: It was the loss of a DREAM, rather than the loss of my chubby, cooing, squirming, living and breathing son. I remember getting PISSED at people who would name their miscarriages….but that was because I was still feeling pretty ripped off. I have to say that I have sensitivity for women who have suffered multiple miscarriages, but a low tolerance for those who react with devastation to the loss of a dream.ered
For the virgin: I did not tell my first until after. He didn’t tell me either. It was a freaking disaster of epic proportions, most of which could have been avoided if we had actually communicated instead of getting drunk and being stupid. So tell him. If he gets freaked out then you get to find out if he’s an asshole before sleeping with him. Awesome.
For the unappreciated: I agree with Aunt Becky’s advice, though I also want to mention that my first husband was fabulous at romance and gifts and all that. He was also emotionally abusive. Ever since him, I’ve found it better to appreciate the gestures like bug killing, leaving me the last piece of chocolate cake and picking up batteries for my vibrator.
For the Grey’s watcher: I am back to watching Grey’s after a long hiatus (and I actually thought the musical episode was well done). Much as I enjoy it, I don’t think it’s the place to go to for realistic portrayals of anything.
I was a 24 year old virgin when I met my husband. Because he was a gentleman, the subject of sex never really came up. One day I’m over his place and he invites me to sleep over (“Don’t worry, I won’t try anything,” he said, which is such an obvious bullshit line). Of course next thing you know, clothes are coming off. At which point I casually mentioned, “Uh, by the way, I’ve never done this before.” I think he paused for a moment and said, “Really?” then we resumed undressing each other.
Should I have brought the issue up before then? I don’t know. Number of previous partners didn’t seem important (we used protection). Anyway, there are plenty of perks to being a virgin:
1. Tightness.
2. Your vagina doesn’t know other penises to compare his to.
3. He doesn’t have to worry about most scary STDs with you.
4. Once he deflowers you, you will be a nympho for awhile until you feel you’ve made up for lost time.
I posted a comment, but I don’t see it. Sorry if you wind up with duplicates.
I was a 24 year old virgin when I met my husband. Sex never really came up in conversation, so neither did my lack of it. He didn’t find out until one night when we were ripping each other’s clothes off and I casually mentioned, “By the way, I’ve never done this before.” He paused for maybe a moment and said, “Really?” And then we got back to undressing.
If you do get the opportunity to work it into conversation, there are plenty of perks to being a virgin:
1. Tightness.
2. Your vagina isn’t familiar with other penises to compare his to.
3. He doesn’t have to worry about most scary STDs (even though you’d totally use protection anyway).
4. Once he deflowers you, you will be a complete nympho for awhile until you feel like you’ve made up for lost time.
Hey Virgin girl, your virginity isn’t a “condition”, unless it’s a condition of being AWESOME.
Seriously, don’t be in a hurry to lose it. Have sex when it’s special, not just when you’re horny. That’s what they make vibrators for.
LIKE!
LIKE
AMEN. Virginity is pretty awesome.
Unappreciated: I also agree with A.Becks – tell him what you want! My husband and I have been together for 11+ years now and at this point in our relationship, we have realized that you often just have to say what you want! It doesn’t take anything away from the sweet gesture. We’re not mind readers, so if I want a mint-choc-chip-ice-cream-cake for my birthday, I say so! Every relationship is different, so don’t get caught up in comparing yours to others. It’s all about what works for you.
To the Virgin: Just try to be comfortable with yourself. You might want to go the honesty route, but just for the sake of making it as positive an experience as possible. And don’t have sex until YOU choose to do so for yourself… not just because an opportunity presents itself. Be smart about it, don’t do anything YOU aren’t comfortable with, and after that it really isn’t that big of a deal. Just part of the human experience 😉
As far as Grey’s, I have watched the show for a long time and I got the impression that she was actually quite devastated by her miscarriage. Because it was mixed up with such a traumatic tragedy, it just wasn’t the focus of much of the drama this season.
And all the older virgins come flying out of the woodwork, don’t we?! 🙂
Tell him. In my case, I was in my mid-twenties, and although I was attracted to the guy, I didn’t expect a long term relationship. Regardless, I warned him. From memory, it went something like:
Me:’I can talk the talk, but I’ve never walked the walk’.
Him: *long pause* Seriously? Wow. I did not expect that. You can REALLY talk the talk.
Me: Is it a problem?
Him: Oh hell, no.
Things went pretty quickly after that. 😉
All I can suggest is, don’t make a big deal about it. Sometimes, there’s an idea that older virgins are like that because they want their first time to be special and meaningful. That’s a hell of a burden to put on a guy, especially since the first time a couple makes love is rarely ‘special and meaningful’ even with virginity ISN’T involved. Keep the pressure off, and he’ll hopefully be a lot more comfortable with your virginity (and possibly aroused – just keep that in mind)
Have fun!
I think it depends very strongly not only on the person, but the situation as well. Had I gotten pregnant with my ex and miscarried, I would have been sad for the loss of life, but well aware that the 2 of us, mostly him, should NOT procreate, and would probably have moved on to relief. I have had friends in situations similar to that, and that has been close to their reactions. I miscarried a planned and very much wished for baby at 15 weeks at the end of Dec, and I’m still fucked in the head. There are extenuating circumstances that include 5 weeks of bleeding and 1 very fun night of hemoraging that resulted in a 2nd D&C in a little over a month to make sure I don’t have an easy time if it as well, so that is also something to consider.
In short, for me, it has been devastating. For others, not so much. Also, sorry I can’t spell.
Dear Virgin,
Tell him fo sho. If he doesn’t think that’s cool, he’s an idiot. As far as being bad, it’s mostly all enthusiam anyway and even a virgin can be chock full o that.
Dear Unappreciated,
Tell him. Then tell him again. And again. And once more for good measure. My hubbers is not a surpriser or a gifter, but after 4 years I came home to a surprise gift last V day and we don’t even do that day! Ask and you shall receive. Ask again and again and it will sink it what it is that you need.
Well slap my ass and call me Shirley, don’t I feel like the biggest, fattest, hairiest loser in the chat room. I not only heart Grey’s Anatomy, but I super hearted the musical episode. Snicker away, people, your snark and mocking can’t make me deny it. And I agree about Meredith feeling the loss, she just went postal about babies on the musical episode, so not quite sure what more you could ask.
I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and it was totes devastating for me, even if it was just a dream. Obvs, it’s not comparable to losing a baby, but it knocked me flat on my ass to be sure. There is a slight twinge now when I think of it, but getting preggers the following year and getting the raddest kid ever out of the deal has pretty much healed that wound.
I’m a big fan of the surprise party a year & a few months after the big event. Why? Because there is a part of you that is expecting the big surprise party on your 35 birthday. But, on Tax Day following your 35th birthday? That’ll catch anyone off guard.
And your advice on the v-card carrying prankster? Dead on. Anyone worth having The Sex with would find such an admission charming & make sure that everything was as perfect as could be when the time for the nasty was upon him.
To the Virgin: My husband was a 30 year old virgin. His official stance was “religious reasons” but he admitted that he never reached a point in a relationship for the temptation to come up. (Ahem)
I think he told me on the 2nd or 3rd date while we were fooling around. I was in awe, and it made me respect him about 100x’s more. Then I kind of felt like an old whore and decreased my number by a couple. (I got drunk a couple years ago and blurted out my real number and he was like, “What?!? I thought it was 5!” So…yeah. That lie came back to bite me in the ass.)
Anyway…your virginity is 3 kinds of awesome and nothing to be ashamed of. But if you decide to wait and tell him afterward–don’t worry about not knowing what to do. Hell, we are the Cosmo generation! We’ve been reading about elusive orgasms and How to Please Your Man! since high school. You’ll know what to do. 🙂
I, too, was a 24-year-old virgin until I met my fiance. We’d actually known each other more than a year before we Did It.
He, being 16 years older than me with a kid, OBVS wasn’t in the same situation, but he was super cool about it, as he SHOULD HAVE BEEN.
My opinion? Tell him. If he’s a d-bag about it, he shouldn’t be anywhere near your ladyparts anyway.
Also? Most likely, the first time will be terrible. Painful. All that crap. So if he knows, he’ll understand and won’t just think he’s bad and you’re bleeding randomly.
But it gets better.
Definitely.
To the virgin: My sista! I actually lost my virginity at age 20 myself. As you said, it wasn’t so much me making a big deal out of it as the fact that it just hadn’t happened. The timing hadn’t been right or the dude hadn’t… truth is, I was never a serial dater anyway. But I totally agree with Becky. Just tell him. The pervy truth of the matter is that dudes find it completely hot. No, I’m not kidding. I got super lucky, and while my first go ’round was pleasant but not super exciting, the very next guy I found – the one I consider my REAL first since it was a lot more involved and a helluva lot more fun – ended up being my loving, geeky husband last year.
I totally agree about the virgin status. It’s kinda cool in this day and age. My husband was more leaning towards virgin status, and I was clearly not…I found it cool bc I got to teach him how to do things the way I wanted them done. If you are dating a decent guy, he will love the fact you don’t have risk of VD, which is always a bonus.
As far as the miscarriages, I had one before I had my two sons. It’s very common, and while it’s difficult to go through at the time, you move past it in life. There are so many thing that happen, and you always look back and wonder what the child would have been like, but you do move on. Plus, Meredith is a dr, so she would probably have a more clinical, biological view rather than an emotional one. Just my thoughts.
Re: Grey’s. The miscarriage was all caught up with a shooting that occurred at the hospital, in which Derek was shot and almost died. So I think that some of her “lack” of grief for the miscarriage stemmed from the fact that she was dealing with her husband almost dying and her best friend having to save him, plus all the emotional aftermath from the shooting (that’s why they were all seeing a pyshciatrist at the beginning of the season).
Plus, she is “dark and twisty.”
To the first commentor, you should just tell him. Not randomly when you aren’t discussing such things, but at an appropriate time.
I was in a similar situation at 25 with my now husband. I kind of blurted it out one night when we were discussing him staying over. He didn’t have a reaction that I noticed, and he obviously stuck around.
I asked him later if that admission threw him off or worried him. He said his only fear was personal, that I had “waited” this long and how could I possibly be sure he was the right guy? He was more worried about ruining the experience for me than anything else.
And for what it is worth, I wasn’t a 20 something V-card member because I made a conscious decision to wait until the “one” either. I just knew early on in all of my previous relationships that I would probably regret it, so I never did.
Tell him and let him show you what kind of a guy he is.
For Grey’s – admittedly I stopped watching last season, but occassionally read recaps online. I find the character’s reactions to things always a bit off, as well as the medical factuality. I can’t remember the details, but there was something VERY off about Callie’s pregnancy early on. Something that would not ring true in any real life scenario, and yet the show played it as fact> I am sure that any emotional recourse from meredith’s miscarriage will be shown only when it makes the most sense for her to have a breakdown.
Unappreciated – I have always wanted a surprise party and tried in the past to manufacture one but have gotten to the point where it was no big deal. When I was approaching my 40th, I told my husband that this was the birthday that really couldn’t be ignored. He’s the man that on most birthdays doesn’t say or do crap until right before I go to sleep at the end of the day and then he tells me happy birthday. So I was expecting nothing for my 40th other than him telling me happy birthday before breakfast. I did tell one friend though that it would be nice if somebody made a big deal out of my birthday because it is a big deal. Apparently, they talked and I got very surprised. So unappreciative, unromantic men can do it…they just need help and to be told that you want it.
To the first Prankster…first of all…you’re virginity is not a “condition.” It’s part of who you are…and if this guy is worthy of seeing you naked and getting to play hide the salami, then he’ll care enough about the fact that it’s your time to make it memorable. Definitely tell him. He might be a little nervous, but if he’s a good guy, he’ll be more upset if you don’t tell him so that he can be gentle with you.
And to the third Prankster…I’ve never had a miscarriage myself, but my sister-in-law, who desperately wanted to be a mommy, who tried for years, and went through hell and injected herself with drugs and she and my brother went deeply into debt financing her IVF procedures, one of which ended in miscarriage and with the other, the baby she was carried died in utero and she had to walk around with her dead baby inside her before they could do the D & C. She, as well as the rest of family, was devastated each time. I cried for hours when she lost the second one because I knew that was her last chance. She and my brother were finally able to adopt my niece, after having one birth mom back out after the birth, and another birth mom losing the baby at seven months.
She still mourns the loss of those babies…but if she didn’t…if she simply embraced her life with her daughter, I’d not think any the less of her. Everyone deals with grief and loss in their own way, and while we may not understand it, it really isn’t our place to judge it. Besides which, while I don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy, I’ve never heard that it’s all that realistic, so the character’s miscarriage is likely nothing more than a plot device.
Grief. Sucks. My MIL lost a baby in 08. Carried to term, Trisomy 18, months and months of prayer, dread, and planning for her to come home. Now, that grief is wearing the family down. They went on to have another baby girl, turning one in May. All I can say is, shit hurts, shit hurts bad. Every single person deals with that shit differently, even in the same house, same situation. It’s hard to look in from the outside, but all we can do is remind ourselves that it’s THEIR reaction, not ours.