Go Ask Aunt Becky
Dear Aunt Becky,
I need your help. But before I go into details I must warn you that my husband is extremely stubborn. Very stubborn. Like a mule.
When we were dating and considering marriage and parenthood, I made it clear that I wanted three children by the time I was 30. This was very important to me as I am an only child and I didn’t want my children to be lonely like I was. Early on, we had two children in less than two years. He also has a son from his first marriage, but rarely get to see him.
Because I was pretty busy with two little ones and working full time, 30 slipped past. At 32, I was diagnosed with cancer. The treatments were likely to cause menopause and the doctor suggested harvesting eggs to use at a different time. I was too shell-shocked to consider that, but my husband did. We opted not too as that would be time-consuming and my cancer was aggressive needing treatment quickly.
Fast forward a few years, I’m in remission and not in menopause. I’m past the obligatory waiting period to have children safely. I also no longer work and am a stay at home mom full-time. I have a raging case of baby fever! My husband does not. I have begged and bargained with him and he’s not budging. I told him how I was clear that I wanted three children. I would like one more and even volunteered to have a tubal done after a healthy baby is born.
Still not budging. He says that he has three kids and that’s enough. He’s counting the years til they are all 18!
I brought his interest in harvesting eggs, that I thought he wanted more children as well. He has stated that he does not want to stop my desires and would gladly let me divorce him to find a husband who would like to have children. What the heck!? I don’t want to have children with anyone but my husband. But the stubborn as a mule gig is getting old and his comments about divorce are really ticking me off. Mule is quickly turning into jack ass!
Any ideas how I can bring him around and get my way? I’m at that geriatric age when it comes to having babies, 35. So I’d like to do this sooner rather than later. Thanks!
Oh Prankster, my heart goes out to you. Genuinely it does. I wish I had a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am answer for yo, but I’m afraid that I do not.
I can easily see both sides of the equation and why you each feel the way that you do, believe me, I do, and you each have valid points. You each have blinders on to what the other wants and are refusing to compromise and it’s making you desperately unhappy.
Prankster, I think that you need to see a marriage counselor to resolve this situation. I say this not to pass the buck, but because I want you both to come to a solution that makes you both happy and fulfilled. And in this case, neither of you are happy. That is clearly not okay.
I wish you luck, Prankster.
Dear Aunt Becky:
My houseguest and I were in East Hampton, NY this weekend and as we were walking to our local fish store to buy some fish for dinner we found $121.00 on the ground in the parking lot. Inside the fish store we thought we might have seen or heard a customer realizing their loss and if so would have returned them their money. Instead all was calm and no one there seemed at a loss. There was one gentleman there with a wad of cash that appeared to be in the hundreds (he was carrying it in a plastic baggie – how weird is that?) but upon leaving the store he did not walk in the direction of where the money was lying on the ground. At this point we used the found money to purchase two lobsters as well as some sushi quality tuna and splurged on a nice bottle of wine.
Should we have done more to locate the owner? Should we donate an equal amount to charity or should we just assume that whoever lost the money probably did not even notice it and enjoy our found luck?
Ethically Challenged Prankster.
East Hampton
New York.
In the past four months, I have found two sets of diamond earrings and a bag of loose diamonds.
All were in my own closet, of course, but still. I consider that karmic payback for all of the stuff I donate to charity rather than haggling with some toothless yokel on eBay over fifty cents on my old Kate Spade wallet. In places where I should probably at least attempt to make money (read: my incredibly pointless blog)(also read: my old Kate Spade wallet), I never do, so when I find something like my own diamonds, I consider that repayment.
If I were to find $121 in East Hampton, I would absolutely consider that karmic payback for some prior good deed. Especially since it’s the Hamptons, where I think money actually might grow on trees.
So, Prankster, what I’m saying is this: I hope you enjoyed the hell out of that dinner and know that you’d somehow earned it.
Now go do something good for the Universe. It’ll pay you back somehow. I promise.
So I met a guy about three months ago who I care about a lot. However, he is 33 and lives far away from me so we have only seen each other twice. I recently spent a week with him that was amazing but in which he confessed that he has herpes. Now, we have always used a condom and have only had sex about a handful of times yet I don’t know if I should forgive him. I understand why he didn’t tell me when he first met me (he thought i would not be interested and it’s a difficult disease to deal with) but still i feel angry and hurt.
I still want to be with him though, is that crazy?
Oh Prankster, of course it’s okay to want to be with someone because you have deep feelings for him. The heart wants what the heart wants (isn’t that a line in a song? It should be. If you write songs, plz be putting it in one) or something, and your feelings are fair.
HOWEVER.
As Your Aunt Becky and as someone who is closer to his age than yours, I am horrified that he didn’t tell you that he had an STD before you had The Sex.
Yes, I get that having “The Talk” is awkward and might have turned you away from wanting to be with him, but The Herp is a serious disease and it should have been your informed decision to walk into The Sex knowing that he had it. I don’t care how afraid he was of being rejected, he’s an adult and he should have owned up to it. You’re clearly a mature person and you can handle it, but by not telling you, he’s violated you AND your trust.
You should be angry and you should be hurt. What he did was incredibly selfish.
Whether you can forgive him is up to you. If you do, that’s absolutely fine. If you can’t, that’s fine too.
Much love, Prankster.
——————–
As always, Pranksters, please fill in where I left off in the comments.
See a marriage counselor. I’ve seen this one go both ways, either the unwanted child that comes anyway helps the marriage end, or the lack of getting what one really wants/needs helps the marriage end. I feel for you guys.
Anywhere else I’d say look for the person who lost the money, but I am with Becks on this one.
Herpes – if you get it, I think you have to have a c-section for the safety of your baby. I think this is why a couple of ladies I know aren’t really trying to get the kids they used to think they wanted. Another friend accepted this in her husband, used condoms for years to avoid getting it, and finally gave up the condoms since she never planned to have kids due to her issues with depression, so she stopped letting it cause her stress, I don’t know if she now has it or not. The future with this guy is worriesome for you, and the lack of honesty? Not very fair. Can you trust him to be honest in the future?
Just want to clear one thing up here regarding your herpes response-I have herpes and have had two vaginal deliveries with no complications whatsoever. As long as there is no outbreak and you take suppressive therapy during the end of pregnancy there is no problem delivering vaginally. The main concern is about people that get herpes for the first time while they are pregnant. Anyway, I know this is not the main point of the post but I couldn’t let it go!
Glad you mentioned it! Thanks, dude!
I’m glad to have you set me straight on this, because somehow I turned out to be one of those people that people really do ask for assvice, and I don’t want to be so much the source of misinformation. And now I think I need to tell a couple of girls I know about what you said, because it isn’t what they heard 10-15 years ago. And now we are all 4fucking3!
To the writer of the first letter-have you spoken to your oncologist? I don’t know what type of cancer you had or what stage or what treatments you have had. You need to find out from your oncologist whether getting pregnant again might possibly up your risk for recurrent cancer. If there is even a slight possiblity of that, you might want to agree with your husband.
That said-either way I agree you need some session of counseling together. there are deeper issues going on here. You need to discuss them.
I don’t know what to say to the first poster, other than I’m sorry and I think counseling would help. And I absolutely agree with the advice to the second poster.
But third poster? Why on earth would you want to be with someone who betrayed your trust like that? I’m sure he has many other great qualities and that’s what you’re focusing on, but I guarantee you that there is someone out there who has all those great qualities AND won’t violate your trust. No matter what he says, he didn’t respect you or your health enough to be honest with you – he put his own fears ahead of what’s best for you. That’s not the kind of person you want to make a life with or even date. I know it will hurt to break it off and I know it’s hard, but you will be so much better off in the long run.
I’m in total agreement with the $121. Also, you were in East Hampton… whoever lost it will be just fine. Lobster has a way of soothing the guilty conscience, amiright?
Dear Mrs BABY FEVER
I think you need to evaluate what YOU really want even if you do seek a marriage counselor. Why do you need a baby so badly, and why must you get pregnant and give birth to a baby? There are so many children that need a loving home and family to call their own. Don’t you think your body has been through enough, -just sayin’. As for your hubby telling you to divorce him if you don’t like it is bullshit. Sounds like he has drawn a line and isn’t willing to put in the work it takes from BOTH people for a successful marriage. IMO to make a marriage work you need to care more about what your partner wants, that statement is to BOTH of you! Good Luck!
Dear Lucky Money Finder,
Congrats on having your eyes open, most people would have been texting and stepped right over the money. I think finding CASH is okay to keep, as long as there is no way to identify it’s owner. My son found cash outside a mall and I can to the conclusion if the person was that careless with the cash then they didn’t need it. We went out to dinner on the careless money dropper (Thank you). That said, we have also found wallets, keys, etc. and gone out of our way to return them to the owner.
Dear EW Nasty,
Sorry, but I’m not touch’n this one!
The first thought that came to mind regarding the baby was that this husband is scared. He’s probably terrified. His wife had cancer, and he could have lost her. Yes, she’s in remission now, but who knows what could happen? Like a previous commenter said, pregnancy could up the risk for it coming back. His stubbornness could be fear, whether he knows it or not — what’s he going to do if his wife gets sick again and there’s a baby to take care of on top of the two kids they’re already raising? Counseling does sound like the best course of action here, or at the very least talking to each other to get to the root of why he doesn’t want another child.
I don’t know what to say about the guy who changed his mind on having 3 kids. He seems like a dick and if it were me I probably would go ahead and divorce him. Because I am an unforgiving bitch like that. Or you can always just stop taking your pill and get pregnant anyway. Unless you two use condoms, then he is kind of in control of that situation.
As for the found money. I think you DEFINITELY should have gone to more trouble to find the owner. You should have done what YOU would have wanted someone else to do had it been YOUR money lost. The universe didn’t owe you any money. You could have at least asked the clerk at the counter or the shop owner if anybody had mentioned losing money. You wouldn’t have to tell them how much or give them the money, but if someone had lost it I am sure they would have told the clerk, just like you would have.
Now, for the HERPES guy… That, to me is an unforgivable CRIME. HERPES is PERMANENT as in you can’t get rid of it no matter what you do. It’s the gift that keeps on giving and JUST WEARING A CONDOM doesn’t keep you from getting herpes. A dude who is willing to have sex with girls without telling them he has HERPES should be in phucking JAIL. YES JAIL!! Giving someone a lifetime STD is a crime in my book. And I am shocked anybody would want to stay with a MF that would do that. I would call 911 on him and never look back.
Now that you have my opinion on everything you can go on with your life. =)
#1. You did not talk about your financial circumstances. Maybe, after paying child support, and also supporting you and the two kids, he is rethinking his earlier goals. Women do that, too. It sounds like you two need need some help in your communication skills.
#2. The only good thing I’v ever found near a sidewalk was a good parking space. Hey, a wallet you can return, but cash? I would have enjoyed it, too.
#3. Not telling you? Maybe he wanted to see if the sex was good, first. What a jerk!
Whew! I’m worn out. Too much thinking on one cup of coffee.
Just wanted to say my now husband told me after A YEAR of dating, moving in together, getting engaged and then purposely becoming pregnant.. when I was 4 months pregnant actually.. that he has herpes. He’s been on suppressive therapy for 4 years and only even had his initial outbreak.
GASP! I know! It was REALLY hard to get through. I felt disrespected, betrayed, lied to, hurt, lost, disgusted, scared..lotta things – none of which were good. Like A lot of the things the previous commenters are saying.
But I don’t have herpes and I had a vaginal birth, I just had to take valtrex last 4 wks of pregnancy because THAT wouldn’t have been the time to get it if I was going to get it. My dr said odds are against getting it as long as he is on meds and not having outbreaks. Herpes isn’t the most pleasant thing but it isn’t a death sentence. Ultimately I decided that it wasn’t worth leaving him over and since I intend to spend my life with him- IF I ever got it then we’d only be sharing it with each other so that would technically be ok. I just wish he had TRUSTED ME to make that decision for MYSELF from day 1
Dude…I feel for “Baby Fever”. That stinks! My husband and I talk about that all the time. We know so many couples where the husband is done having kids and the wife wants more and that sucks!
I have to say that there was a point in my life when I could not imagine NOT wanting a baby. Well, I am there and it is a great feeling to be in sync with your partner on that topic.
Our last little girl was a “surprise”. We love her dearly but when I found out I was pregnant things were stressful here. Life is so hard when you want these babies that if you don’t it could be devestating to them as they grow up.
Luckily things worked out for us and our little girl.
But I feel for the couples out there who are in the midst of this battle.
Good luck “Baby Fever” <3 <3
Just as much as she wants a baby, her husband does not. No one is right or wrong. It’s not like she’s talking about a puppy here, but something he has to have for the rest of his life. Plus, she’s not working so he’s fully supporting the family; he has a right to say no no matter what they talked about before getting married. If it changes his life too, he has a valid say in the decision.
Completely agree with you.
Gotta say, after someone upthread mentioned getting tricky to get pregnant: I wouldn’t recommend it. My mother did that. My folks are divorced and I spend most of my time and energy on my dad and step-mom. Kids figure stuff out, probably earlier than you think; I figured it out mostly from stuff that she and her family said. Being selfish and self-consumed on such a high level in a matter that permanently alters someone else’s life does not reflect well on a person’s character and colors interactions with them forever.
Couple’s therapy would be much more productive.
TOTALLY agree.
Children should never be a pawn in a game being played by the parents. Just sayin.
I spoke with my Mr about this first question and he said it sounds like the husband is trying to get himself out of a situation. Meaning the marriage. But I’m with Becky on this one. I’d say a marriage counselor is definitely in order. Of course, if he’s that bullheaded, he’ll probably be unwilling to go. Good luck. I ache for you in this situation.
HM
Baby Fever: Promises made before marriage are up for grabs… most folks will say, or agree to, anything to get the other to marry them, and it’s usually said without the actual practical experience of raising a family. You were young and filled with dreams. Life and marriage is a compromise. We do the best we can and hope to achieve most of our dreams, but the curves of life don’t always let that happen. Why am I so hard on you? Because your man actually used the d-word in this discussion… that’s not a cavalier word, it’s a precursor to action. He’s been divorced, once; it isn’t nearly as scary, this time. This is a very deep schism in your marriage and counseling will help you come back together but not necessarly to have another child. Have your children said they were lonely?
Found Money: Normally, found money of that level is turned over to the police. If, after 30 days, no one has claimed it, it becomes yours… You ate too soon, in my opinion. Just because it was the East Hamptons doesn’t mean the owner was rich — could have been a visitor from another place. As stated, earlier, if you had lost that money, you would have hoped someone would have turned it in because the Universe doesn’t owe you anything…
Herpes Sharing: There is nothing that man (33, for goodness’ sake!) can say to erase the fact that he is a totally selfish person who only cared for his own pleasure (if you were told only after sleeping with him). I appreciate that Herpes isn’t a life-or-death sentence, but that’s not the point… The point is that it’s a social disease and you should have had a say in whether or not you were willing to share it with him and everyone else you may have a relationship with for the rest of your life. If you don’t marry him, you’re just another notch on his belt, and the strong possibility is that you won’t marry him, you live too far apart and he got what he wanted. This is the first trust issue in a relationship. He obviously couldn’t care less about you or your feelings (he just wanted to get laid).
I agree with this post word for word!!! I would have cussed more probably…..
Interesting…isn’t it? Marriage is constant negotiation. I agree with you both as well. Times change, people change, situations change. It is just tough when you are talking about another life…another human being.
Baby fever> I have a couple of questions for you*. I don’t need you to answer them here, obviously, but I think you need to ask them of yourself.
1. What’s the source of your baby fever? Really look at that one, okay? Are YOU the lonely one, and you’re hoping a baby will counteract that? Is it because of some long-ago promise to yourself about the number of children you’d have? Or (and I’m sorry to ask this, but I have to) is it because you’re creeping towards forty and declining fertility?
2. What are your husband’s reasons for not wanting another child? WHY has he decided that what he’s got is enough? This is another important one, sweetie. Even if you don’t agree with his reasons, if they don’t immediately pop into your head, your relationship has some serious communication issues. You need to work on that before you work on the baby-making.
3. If you do have a child, what effect will that have on the rest of your family?
Given that your husband is already using the D-word, will your relationship survive the inevitable effects of a newborn?
Can you afford it financially, as another commenter pointed out?
How will your children take it? For that matter, I’m guessing from your letter that your youngest is at least five years old, possibly closer to ten. With their siblings close in age and so much older, will your third child end up essentially being an ‘only child’ anyway? (unfortunately, 3 kids is often less like the musketeers and more like 2 ganging up on 1).
I know it seems like I’m slamming you here, but this is clearly tearing you and your marriage apart, and something that serious requires a lot of tough thinking.
Good luck.
*This became a lot more than a couple. Sorry ’bout that.
For the Baby-Fever Mamma…..First, I just had my second baby @ 37. My sister has given birth @ 39. You have a lot of good years left!! Secondly, you have to realize that your husband just faced a very scary parenting prospect. Being without YOU. Being a single parent is hard enough! But having your partner ripped away from you – ugh – and then struggling with a youngster on his own must seem horrifying for him. Lastly, I know what it’s like to have baby fever. It is all consuming. I’m afraid counseling or not – you face a tough choice. I don’t think either one of you will change your mind. But, you already knew that…..
best of luck.
1) You have two wonderful healthy children. It’s time to call it quits. The two kids are close enough in age to play with each other and keep each other company. A third child adds a level of complexity to a family far beyond a first or second child. Also, every family vacation, trip to an amusement park, ski lift ride become a pain in the butt as you try to juggle who can ride with who. Every dinner out is 20 minutes longer as you wait for the big table. Like that coupe or sedan you’re now driving, sell it, time for the mini-van. Be happy with what you have.
2) Finders keepers bitches!!
3) The dude is a douche for not having the talk before The Sex. It should be done up front before you start getting naked. You need to be able to make informed decisions. In my mind, Herpes is more of a social stigma than anything else. Odds are everybody has made out with a person with HSV1, the could sore version. You just don’t know they have it or you wait until it goes away and you’re back to sucking face. HSV2, the on your junk kind, just freaks people out. NO one wants to get it, but if a person you love has it, and you’re able to make an informed decision about the relationship, then you find ways to work around it.
#1 – I personally know the baby issue. My wife wants another one when our youngest is 14 months now. I also am looking at the fact that when and if we have another one I’m looking at retirement before or around the time they would be graduating High school. For me its a getting to late in life issue for me. I want to see my kids grow up, get married have grand kids. With a average expectancy of 70 for a white male add in whose fat, has asthma and other health problems what are my odds I even make it to there graduation let alone see them grow up and have grand kids. Takes 2 to make a baby and if One doesn’t short of immaculate conception odds are not good.
#2 – As Becky said go do something good because Karma is a Witch with a capital B
#3 – That is just wrong. So wrong I don’t know where to start. To bad most STD’s don’t fall under the vicious laws regarding HIV status where it is a Criminal offense to have unprotected sex with someone knowing your HIV positive and not informing the other party. I think that should apply for any STD protected sex or not. If you can’t be upfront with your sexual partner you SHOULDN’T BE HAVING SEX. Makes you wonder how many women he’s given herpes to intentionally or unintentionally.
I’m torn on #3… I mean, how many people get cold sores and don’t admit that on a first date? Because it is the same thing, really. You can get HSV-1 from oral sex too… I know because I did. After 10 years with my husband (not even kissing when he has a cold sore), I was convinced he cheated on me as I developed the herps in my girlie bits. Fortunately my dr. did a type testing and was able to determine it was HSV-1 (the kind most associated with cold sores) and not HSV-2 (the kind associated as an STD). Sure wish I would’ve gotten it the old fashioned way (on my mouth). I too had a baby vaginally – doing the suppressant meds during the last 30 days…
I’m just saying that I sort of get where the guy is coming from. Because even though I have the same thing millions of people have…just because where it is located, I’m marked with a giant “STD” if something ever happened to my husband and I.
Heavy stuff today…
#1. Your husband has the right to say enough when he has had enough. Maybe he doesn’t want you to put your body through any more exhaustion or potentially put yourself (and your baby) at risk. Maybe he is just tired and had enough kids. Either way, his feelings are valid.
Asking somebody to stop at 2 or 3 kids is a lot less to inflict on somebody than asking them to commit to raising another child.
#2. There are days that if I lost $10 it means that my kids don’t get to eat that day. On the other hand… I don’t live in the Hamptons.
#3. 33 years old and not mature enough to tell you that he has herpes before having sex with you…
I understand his fear but he risked your health and well being without hesitation to avoid being uncomfortable.
That’s a big fat red flag if I ever saw one.
I was gonna go all Solomon on the first reader’s question but then I thought it through. And really, who has swords handy these days?
To the author of the first letter… I can’t say all women are this way but most of us are hardwired to have children. We see new babies and smell their little heads and our pelvic bones start separating for birth.
I had to have a hysterectomy when I was 28. I already had two children and was recently divorced. I was happy as a pig in shit. In my mid-30’s I suddenly started looking at new babies and suddenly I wanted one so badly I could taste it. I swear, my breasts burned just like I was letting down milk. My brain was screaming at me that having another child was about the stupidest thing I could do at this point in time but the rest of me was pitching an almighty hissy fit to have a baby even though there was no way in hell I could even get pregnant. If I had been able to bear children I might have had another one, maybe three. Hormones can really suck.
Thank all that is holy that I was unable to get pregnant because now at 50 something or another (getting closer to 60 by the minute) I am so happy my children are grown and have wonderful jobs that provide them with the means to fly my fat ass to San Francisco so I can visit with them for weeks at a time. I understand exactly how you feel right now. It’s hormones talking. Be grateful for what you have. Think seriously about what you’re trying to do. Are you so hell bent on pregnancy because it’s what you really want or because someone is in your way? Having a baby isn’t something that concerns only you. There are other people to think about.
Now for the mule references… Mules aren’t stubborn. They are smarter than horses by a mile. (They are smarter than any man I’ve ever known.) When they balk at something it is usually because they sense a threatening situation. When my mule balks at something I listen to her. If we need to move ahead against her judgement, she doesn’t go anywhere if all I do is demand she do what I say. Mules will be your partner but they won’t be your bitch. If you are bound and determined to have another baby, you might want to approach your “mule” with a different training method.
Having herpes? Not a dealbreaker, on a guy who’s sweet and hot and otherwise awesome. It would be like having an evil mother or living on the wrong side of the country… not exactly good news, but doable for a good guy.
NOT TELLING ME UNTIL AFTER WE BANG? Complete dealbreaker.