Aunt Becky, Fugitive At Large
My day started out full of the win.
I normally find Sundays to be the most worthless days on the planet, a day that I feel should be blown off the map entirely to be replaced by The Day To Worship Baby Jesus AND Aunt Becky (or something other than Sunday), but this particular Sunday, I finally finished something that had been sitting in the back of my brain, beating to get out, and I knew that what I had finished was good.
It was the end of a series of essays and I’d managed to fit them all together perfectly. Months of waiting and finally, the right thing came out. The relief was enormous.
Monday dawned and it was like that part of my brain (admittedly very small) was open again so that I could once again fill it up with thinking about all of the reasons I hate Averil Lavigne, since I did call off my war against John C. Mayer.
Immediately after I got up, my daughter managed to, while getting her fingernails trimmed, slice the tippy-top of her thumb off. (this is why I beg other people to do it) Blood every-fucking-where. Fingers are way vascular, so it took ages to clot. Seeing my daughter’s blood triggered some pretty bad flashbacks from her first weeks of life for me.
But I’m all EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TIGER, BECKY, SHAKE THAT SHIT OFF.
When I’m upset, I’m not all, mope-around-the-house, I’m all, let’s-get-r-done, so I started cleaning the shit out of the house and paying all the bizarre bills I owed. Like the ones for $2.10 that were all, “IF YOU DON’T PAY THIS, WE’RE GOING TO TAKE YOU TO COLLECTIONS” and I’m all, uh, you’re wasting your ink, because I just forgot because it’s two fucking dollars and they’re all, “I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS” and yesterday I’m all, “FINE, HERE IT IS.”
Because really, I wasn’t trying to keep the hospital away from their fucking two dollars, I just wasn’t rushing it because it was two fucking dollars. MY BAD.
So yesterday, I sat down to seven dollars worth of bills that I’d neglected for months because I am a lazy fuck who never has stamps because mailing things makes me break out in hives because I am lazy.
Then, I opened my day planner, which I have to use, because I take a really high dosage of a medication for my My Grains called “Topamax.” Topamax, for those of you unaware, is an old-ass epilepsy drug that has many side effects, including as my neurologist so kindly puts it: “cognitive impairment.”
The Max, as I call it, makes you dumb as fuck (or in my case, dumbER). You forget words, names, dates, times, things you’re supposed to do. It’s a well-documented problem and it sucks. My memory used to be full of the awesome now it’s full of holes. But, it helps with my My Grains, so that’s that.
(I have a particular problem with numbers and names)
Yesterday, I’m all, OH SHINY DATE BOOK! and I popped it open to see what I had inside for the week, knowing I had Jury Duty on Tuesday, 8AM.
And my heart thudded to a stop in my chest. There, right on the Jury Duty summons I’d neatly clipped into my date book was the actual name of the day: “MONDAY.”
FUCK.
It was 1:30 in the afternoon on Monday, hours after I was supposed to be in court.
I just SKIPPED Jury Duty by accident. I wasn’t doing anything better. I had no grand plans. I was going to show up in the courts on Tuesday, like I’d planned. I nearly died.
I checked to see if my jury number had been called and it had. Of course it had.
Immediately, I called the number on the back of the summons and got, you guessed it, voicemail. Nothing could have been resolved right then and there. No, not yesterday. I left a panicky message and waited for the cops to show up to arrest me. The back of the summons said that if I didn’t show up they COULD fine me! Or send me to JAIL!
I tried to figure out how Young Hollywood or COPS would handle it if they were waiting for the 5-0 to come and arrest them. I put on a full face of make-up and hid in the bathtub for awhile until I got cold and hungry and wandered back into the kitchen for an Uncrustables.
When nothing had happened by 7PM, I figured I’d the system might have lost me. Or maybe they’d wait until I least expected it. I put on a fake mustache and a hat because I knew THEN that the cops would totally not recognize me when they came for me. That way, I could watch House, MD and not have to sit curled up in the bathtub with a mattress on top of me any longer.
My name is now Senor Aunt Becky. I am officially a fugitive from the law.
Topamax sucks. When I was on it, my doc actually referred to it as “dope-a-max” because it makes everyone so damn dope. But it did it’s job for me – migraines stopped. Hopefully if they do cart you away to jail it’ll be the good kind with wifi so you can keep blogging.
I want to live in your head for just one day.
Did you go today? I’m dying to know what the clerk’s office told you about missing yesterday. Oh… about seven years ago just after my ex and I moved into our first (and last) house, I came across a pile of mail that he had so neatly shoved in a box. Yep, I found a grand jury summons for the *next* week! I was like, “Um… what part of the official Clerk of Courts and ‘Immediate Response Required’ printed in red didn’t trigger an ‘Oh, this must be kind of important…’ response?” Well, I did my time and enjoyed it immensely. Being foreperson rocks. Good luck, lady.
Um not one drop of awesome sauce on that, except of course your hilarious retelling of all events. Don’t know if you got my tweet but I took off the tip of the Bean’s finger when she was like 6 months old. From then on I bit her nails until she was, oh, I dunno, six maybe ? this could explain her fascination with manicures now…
If the po-po does come for you, you make sure you tell your lawyer that they cant give you any crazy crap like ” Dont leave town, Aunt Becky”. You just pipe up and say ” Yo Honor, Imma need him to shut his whore mouth about that leaving town crap cuz I got Vegas Tomfoolery planned.” And you have to say it just like that. and you have to tape it and get the court transcript. Cuz, obviously they would both make me pee my pants with laughter.
Aunt B – I don’t know where you live, but here in Oregon they seem to be vaguely good about working with circumstances. For example, at my recent Jury day, one of our jurors didn’t plan for a full day of (yawn!) duty, and, mid-afternoon in the middle of an arduous selection process, just stood up and bolted from the room to go pick up her kids. Because we’d gotten all chummy and I knew she was having some serious personal issues, I went down and spoke with the jury clerk about it, and they were very nice and sympathetic…Good luck! Play to your strengths and get those motherfuckers on your side!
Thank you for writing this. I received a jury summons a couple of weeks ago (I think). I put it in my pile of “I’ll get to it one of these days” papers, which means I’ll go through it when it falls over and hits the floor. I’m just waiting for the day when I start putting my keys in the freezer, then my kids can say “I knew it, early Alzheimers”. They’ve been eyeing up my blue Acura and probably already have my nursing home picked out.
Uh oh. I have heard that if you skip jury duty they hide in your bushes with a bag of rabid weasels and wait for you to leave. Then they sneak in and put them in the bathtub under your mattress while you are gone. Might want to find a new hiding spot. Or not. Maybe you will be lucky and they will just make you come next week like they did to me.
Good luck Senior Aunt Becky. May the weasels spare your lady bits.
Having a great memory and being good with numbers is totally over-rated. My husband believes that I am brain dead because I call anything with wires “electronical” and always think that whichever way I am facing is North. Now, I know in my head that isn’t true, but it is fun to see him freak the fuck out every time I tell him that North is where I’m looking. It really is the little things in life.
I do this too 🙂
My husband is an Army Officer AND an engineer – precise, rational, linear & logical aren’t just words, they’re a way of life. HE would never miss jury duty 😛 I love watching his face during one of my “you know, the thingy that attaches to the whatchacallit, next to the twisty bit” explanations…Who needs sunshine, lollipops & unicorns 😀
They’re gonna send a little boy on a bike over screaming at you about your two dollars, and he’ll follow you everywhere you go. You won’t care about the cops chasing you about jury duty at that point. You’re just gonna want that creepy little boy on the bike to go away.
I WANT MY TWOOOO DOLLLARRRSSSS!
Fave movie ever. “It’s TENTACLES. N-T. Big difference.”
I think you are handling this in the best possible way. I’ve heard the cops never arrest mustachioed people. That’s why I never shave.
Shaving is BULLSHIT.
I LOVE your blog, you make me laugh so hard I almost tinkle sometimes. Can I be your BFF?
FUCK YEAH!
YES!!! I have never been more excited. FUCK YEAH!!
I would love to be the Thelma to your Louise 😉
I saw this on The Twitter yesterday and attempted to calm you down. Clearly, my efforts were useless, Senor.
You may have inspired me with a new life motto: to get all “EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TIGER” about things. Awesome! Thanks!
You can come hide out here!! I have lots of glitter! AND wireless internet!
Don’t worry, Becks, the Pranksters will chip in for your bail money.
Well, the good news is that should a random rogue tornado happen to hit your house, you’re in the perfect hunker-down position in the tub with the mattress over you.
I think my wife has been slipping me Topamax ever since I turned 40.
I’ve never taken Topamax before. I have taken Flomax though. What I didn’t know about Flowmax because I didn’t read the warnings was that sudden changes in blood pressure (such as running to the bathroom to pee in the middle of the night) can cause you to pass out on your way running naked through the hall and if you aren’t careful you can wake up with your wife standing over your naked passed out ass. Hypothetically of course.
I take the Topomax too, it can cause the dizziness if you jump up too. Since I don’t have a wife, I have never experienced this situation. The combination of Keppra and Topomax causes a complete lack of appetite, so a grande toffee mocha is sufficient for lunch and dinner, which might actually be what causes the dizziness…….and the need for jumping up to go to the bathroom…..and now I can’t remember what I was saying…..le’sigh.
I always blamed my lack of brain/memory on having to many kids.. I used to be smart back in the day. I’m slightly perturbed that you have a legal medically proven reason for brain farts and can use it.
that is just like something I would do (get the date totally wrong. well, and curl up in the bathtub under a mattress. but I’d be sure to do it at someone else’s house)
Blogs from jail would be awesome Senor Becky.
umm…I have all of those remembering problems and I don’t even get to blame it on the max. and to make it even better when I remember to write things down in my handy dandy notebook, I forget to check with it and ask it questions like what is going on today handy dandy? Then I just forget again anyway. It is kind of sucky. ok it is a lot sucky. Oh what is full of the awesome though is that NEXT WEEK I am going to be able to pay for the cruise in FULL!!! WOO HOO! Can’t wait!
FUCK FUCK FUCK. You reminded me! I have to pay for the cruise! FUCK FUCK FUCK!
(you can always blame The Max!)
Ugh, just another thing to deal with, huh? And, cutting nails of the child? I do not do that job. I make my husband do it. Which is why my son is so often affectionately referred to as Dragon Toe.
http://www.pampersandpinot.com
That is one of my biggest fears. That I’ll go to jail not for robbing a bank or something actually criminal, but because I simply forgot about jury duty. Don’t worry. If they ask me if I’ve seen my Aunt Becky, I’ll just tell them she stepped out for some milk – or carton of cigarettes, whichever you’d rather – and will be back later thereby giving you enough time to get across the border.
Hopefully your day is sucking less today. My entire week is fucked.
Do they have internet and vodka in jail? If so, then what’s the freakin’ problem here???
And EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TIGER…hilarious! I am so gonna use that at work from now on!
My little bills are late for the exact same reason. Plus I haven’t owned a checkbook for over a year which makes it even harder. I go in and auto pay them and the bank writes them a check and mails it to them. I just can’t handle it on my own.
Per my tweets of yesterday, I’ve got four fruit buckles cooling in my kitchen. Say the word and I’ll mail ’em to the jail. Make sure you bring them with you once you bust out though, ’cause Hubs is gonna notice all his missing tools when he next wanders on down to his workshop to get his Norm Abrams on.
You need your own reality show. STAT.
I totally would have trotted down there Tuesday at 8:30 all bright eyed and ready to serve ANYWAY because how could they possibly fine me when I so very obviously was just completely stupid? Like when you show up at the Dentist’s office on the wrong day and they don’t charge the $50 non-cancellation fee because they take pitty on your stupid ass. And also, then you don’t have to really go to the dentist.
This will sound insane but I use those pointy nail clippers on Piper. Allow for much more precision and control. Sounds scary. Isn’t really.
you know what you have to do now, don’t you? you have to go off the grid, man. change your name. change your hair color. move to Canada. or Mexico.
and you have to sing: breakin’ the law! breakin’ the law!
I think if they give you shit, then you tell your doctor to write you a note saying you are on “cognitive-impairing” meds.
Hey Aunt Becky, have I told you lately that I love you? Well, I do.
And as for taking off fingertips – yup, been there, done that. When the twins were 6 months old, we had to spend Sunday morning in the doctors office because the fucker just wouldn’t stop bleeding, not even after 20 minutes of applied pressure. And I got a lot of fish-eyes from the other moms because I kept sniffily repeating over and over to my son “mommy’s so sorry, she’s going to buy reading glasses, she’s going out to buy reading glasses right now.” Because you know? I’d been ignoring the fact that I was getting old-lady far sighted and needed the damn reading glasses to see small things up close, like, oh, the difference between my son’s fingernail and fingertip.
Hadn’t thought of that in years… maybe that’s why he’s so phobic about nail cutting (Bwah hah hah)
Mea is so freaked out that it even could POSSIBLY hurt to get her fingernails or toenails cut, that if she sees me coming with the clippers, or a file, or any kind of clipping/shaving down device, she runs and hides. I actually have to cut her fingernails and toenails while she is sleeping, in order to get it done.
When she was a baby, doing it when she slept wasn’t such a big deal. Now that she’s 4, it kind of is.
I get migraines, too, and when I’m medicating I cannot be held responsible for, well, anything at all. So this slip-up is totally understandable.
But…you should know I recently was called to Jury Duty and had all the best intentions of going…until I realized that my 3 & 5yo kids can’t drive themselves to/from school or reach the tv remote on the high shelf should I not be around to do so for them. I called the number on my ticket thingy, and they said if I was a SAHM I was excused from ALL JURY DUTY until my kids were grown. She actually thanked me for choosing “the most important profession there is” (I swear to you she said this! and the call was recorded!) and I even got a letter in the mail confirming my SAHM Status/Get Out of Jail Free Card.
So you may not need to don hats, large sunglasses and a faux moustache after all.
Jeez, just tell them that you moved to a different county, but you haven’t had time to change your driver’s license yet. (As a state employee, I have mastered the art of working around a problem rather than solving the problem – you need a creative excuse? call me)
Can I be a fugitive with you? You rock Aunt Becky.
I was on topamax for a few years for epilepsy. I feel your pain. You always feel like your brain is fuzzy. It also made my face, arms, hands and chest tingle about 30 min after I took it. Suck. I did LOVE the weight loss side effect though. Lost 40lbs… Then gained it all back after I went off it. 🙁
So yes, The Max is a reasonable excuse for… Everything.
I was on topamax for a few years for epilepsy. I feel your pain. You always feel like your brain is fuzzy. It also made my face, arms, hands and chest tingle about 30 min after I took it. Suck. I did LOVE the weight loss side effect though. Lost 40lbs… Then gained it all back after I went off it. 🙁
So yes, The Max is a reasonable excuse for… Everything.
Make sure if a cop pulls you over to just speak in some gibberish. Unless you’re a serial killer, they’ll usually just wave you off, not wanting to bother with figuring out what language you’re actually speaking.
I posted on the last post.
Do you not accept awards from shitty blogs like me, or did you miss it?
Do I honestly suck that bad? I even made Blues sounds… Puh Pao! (*clue found*)
It’s okay if you don’t like me. A lot of people don’t. lol.
Ummmm so is jury duty really gonna bite you in the ass? I use google calendar and set myself (literally) at least 3 reminders for something and sometimes I STILL forget. But at least if I am near a computer, there is a chance I will remember. (and it’s free!!)
Dammit, now your site thinks I am a robot (I fucking wish! Do you realize how much more efficient I would be at LIFE?!??!!).
I forgot the damn link.
Whatever.
http://seriouslyreallyseriously.blogspot.com/2010/10/i-gotz-me-award.html
I had to pay 3.10 for some bullshit at the docs, the memo line read “go buy some gum”. People can’t even buy good gum for a DOLLAR any more! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???!!!!!
I’ve been The Max’s little bitch for the past 4 years now and I seem to have my dopamax issues at the most convenient fucking moments. Like forgetting kid #2’s bday a couple of years ago…or was it kid #1??? FUCK!
Marry me? Please?
I *heart* me some Aunt Becky (even said ANT in my head which is motherfucking wrong wrong wrong to my upper Midwest upbringing).
I am sorry you are a fugitive and that you cut beautiful Amelia. I have to snip my daughters when she is sleeping (which works reeeeaaaally well when she KICKS) because she is 5 1/2 and still is afraid I will cut her. I’ve traumatized my child.
Anyway…if you need to hide out you can come chill with me (and I promise not to give you any strep throat cooties) in South Dakota. No one would EVER look for you here 😀
Shirking Jury Duty????? GAHHH!!!!!! What have you done! Aunt Becky, what have you done!?!?!
Ok, don’t panic. Here’s what we’ll do. I’ll cook up a good fake I.D. with the help of a… uh… acquaintance of mine. Tonight at midnight I’ll pull up in front of yours but I WON’T STOP THE CAR SO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WILL HAVE TO DIVE IN WHILE I MOVE AT A SAFE SPEED, then we’ll hit the road and drive all night until we cross the boarder, and NO WE CAN’T STOP FOR FOOD DON’T ASK and once we cross three states, then we can stop, regroup, find you guys a public restroom, and then after that a couple more hours of driving in circles to throw off the cops, I’ll bring you to your new home, which is a little cabin I know in the Adirondacks. Your new name will be Shaleequa Janice StorkHaven. You are an ex-circus performer who went back to get her advanced degree in Library Science. You like Monopoly, jugging, and roller derby.
The Jury Cops will never find you.
Oh how I have missed you!! As I write this one handed (mind out da gutter) I am wiping my eyes with my other hand (see..ya perv!)from laughing so hard I cried. So happy to have found my way back home. Nothin’ but love for ya!
First off, whenever you feel the need to hide out you know you can always crash at my place. I have an extra bedroom complete with an extra bed and a closet=within-the-closet that would be perfect for stashing you in, should the po-po come a knockin. Plus, in 15 minutes from my doorstep you can be at a bridge hightailing it into Canada, eh. They ain’t never gonna find you there!!!
Second, I will join you in your mocking of Avril Lavigne. I was inspired by your John C Mayer dealio and was thinking of tackling Jessica Simpson for myself. I figure I have nowhere close to the mad skills of Fugitive Aunt Becky, so I should start somewhere lower on the food chain. Whaddya think?
I’m always so jealous when I hear other people say that they have been chosen for jury duty.
Well Fuck, I don’t take any of the Max, and I still have shit for brains right now. I attribute it to the crotch parasites sucking the energy completely out of my body and everyone knows that nerve cells actually use more energy than all the other types of cells, so therefore, my brain stops working so I will have enough energy to chase after my little tornado offspring. OR… I have Halfheimerz. It’s like Alzheimers, but only halfway. I still remember where I live, but I can’t find my keys and they end up in places like my 4-year-old’s backpack because… obviously, that’s where they should be (and no, unfortunately, he didn’t play a prank on me and put them there). I am now best friends with outlook, which conveniently dings, gives me these helpful pop-ups, AND sends a message to my phone to tell me to do important stuff like, uh, pee. If you are on the computer as much as I am, this works great! Oh, and uh, I forgot jury duty too. Got the voicemail. They never called me back. But a month later I got the new jury summons, so I tried harder not to be an idiot and served my time. It’s quite possible you won’t get arrested. 🙂 What the hell would I do without my Aunt Becky???
Halfheimers! Love it!
Nail cutting is best done after bath time. Yeah I know, I know, that only happens once a month IF YOU’RE LUCKY, but the soak in the water softens the nails up real good. And would totally recommend clippers too, it’s waaaay faster! Just a quick snip in a straight line. Kids don’t care if it’s pretty so much as over with!
I have 6 kids, one of which is the “ow ow ow it hurts!” pansy brand child. I Just hold them in the “hug-but-really-a-restraint” and clip as fast as I can. They are all accounted for. And have also learnt that when Mum says “sit still and it’ll be over quick” she means it! (I have been peed on once tho…)
Good Luck!! :OD
Wow, you have My Grains and Max…I just have mad cow disease. I am sure my brain is beginning to look like Swiss Cheese.
so wait senor becky, why do you hate averil lavigne?
I am thinking though that if you got arrested and were sent before the court for missing jury duty the case would be dismissed because certainly all the jurors who had to schlep their asses to court would TOTALLY commiserate with your predicament.
You could quote NWA: “Fuck the Police!” Nothing says I’m innocent like yelling out phrases from gangsta rap. Seriously, it says “I’m all business…bitches”
I get paid good money as opposed to bad to chase down those irresponsible people who skip jury duty, fail to signal before making a turn, jay walkers, moon walkers and heavy mouth breathers.’
In addition I am also paid by the government to slap the crap out of people who talk on their cellphones in movies, restaurants and concerts. Unfortunately I have a fear of the mustache so you keep wearing that thing and you will forever be safe.
Dear Senor Beck,
Can’t wait to hear all about the strip search!
My favorite part was when you stayed in the bathtub with makeup (war paint) on until the Uncrustable lured you out. Nothing like a good ‘ol edible STD to entice you away from your foxhole of lawlessness!
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