Anatomy Of A Forum, By Aunt Becky
Please note that any offensive words I’ve used were only thrown in to more properly illustrate my point that Forums = full of asshole pinheads, not to offend anyone. When I’m trying to offend you, you’ll know it.
-Aunt Becky
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Ignorant Newbie Asks Innocuous Question: “Why are hedgehogs underrepresented in today’s media?”
Guy Who’s Been Ar0nd For Eleventy-Bajillion Years Who Gets Snippy When Rules Aren’t Followed: “Please search the archives for an answer to this – it’s already been discussed.”
Ignorant Newbie: “I’ve searched the archives. I can only see a question about Kumquats in the media.”
Person Who Has JUST Discovered The Internet: “OMG. YOU GUYS! I just got an email about people with HIV who stick there dirty needles underneath your car handle! BE CAREFUL!”
Self-Proclaimed Grammar Nazi: “Please use the proper word – “it’s their,” not “there.” Using the wrong one makes you appear to be a toothless yokel.”
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: “I’m amazed by the blatant sexism here. ARE YOU REFERRING TO RAPE? RAPE ISN’T FUNNY!”
Pedantic Guy Who Has To Pick Apart Whatever Has Been Said Regardless Of Whether It Has To Do With The Subject: “You say, “blatant sexism,” yet, I see no mention of gender. Or rape. Perhaps you are trying too hard.”
Guy Who Makes EVERYTHING Political: “Abortion is murder! Obama is to blame!”
Woman Who Blames Everyone For Being Dramatic And Pretends To Flounce Off: “OMG. Can we PLEASE stop being dramatic? HEDGEHOGS ARE CUTE!”
(this message has been removed by forum moderator)
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: “HA! See? You just said RAPE. I SHOULD REPORT YOU TO THE POLICE!”
Self-Proclaimed Grammar Nazi: “It’s “sexual assault,” not “rape.” Please, get a dictionary, you slack-jawed FemiNazi.”
Forum Moderator: “Please read the rules of this forum. We do not tolerate threats – idle or otherwise. Also: foul language is not appreciated.
Pedantic Guy Who Has To Pick Apart Whatever Has Been Said Regardless Of Whether It Has To Do With The Subject: “What, pray tell, is an “idle threat?” Please explain.”
Guy Who Pops In Simply To Break The Rules: “I’m gonna kick your motherfucking ass.”
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: “I am a woman. I can do anything you can do better. Therefore, I will kick YOUR ass, then report you to the police.”
Guy Whose Wife “Just Doesn’t Understand” Him: “Sighs, I wish my wife were feisty like that. My wife, well, she got fat and lazy after she popped out our kids.”
Guy With Badly Drawn Four-Leaf Clover Who Likes To Use His Irish Background To Grope Girls on St. Patrick’s Day but Never Has Anything to Say About the Conversation at Hand,” O’DOYLE RULES!”
 Girl Who Inappropriately Flirts With Everyone: “I got a hedgehog for you, baby, right here.”
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: “You are a DISGRACE TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE, YOU WHORE.”
Guy With Badly Drawn Four-Leaf Clover Who Likes To Use His Irish Background To Grope Girls on St. Patrick’s Day but Never Has Anything to Say About the Conversation at Hand, “Hey baby, wanna cyber?”
Girl Who Inappropriately Flirts With Everyone: “24/F/Chicago.”
Guy Who Has Hooked Up With Inappropriately Flirty Girl Who Now No Longer Pays Attention To Him: “Sighs. I thought it was love. I knew I loved her. Why, o! why doesn’t she love me back?”
Chick Who Wants To Drive Traffic To Her Blog: “OMG, I just wrote something about this on my blog [insert link to unrelated blog entry].”
Guy Who Tries To Steer The Conversation Back To The Original Question: “Don’t you think Sonic the Hedgehog is big enough in today’s media?”
Guy Who Randomly Pops In To Hypocritically Tell Everyone That They’re Losers For Responding: “U R a bunch of losers.”
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: “How dare you! You are clearly anti-women! We should burn you alive!”
Chick Who Wants To Drive Traffic To Her Blog: “Oh my GOD, I wrote about THAT too! [insert entirely unrelated blog entry link].”
Pedantic Guy Who Has To Pick Apart Whatever Has Been Said Regardless Of Whether It Has To Do With The Subject: “I cannot believe that anyone who talks in text-speak should be allowed on the Interwebs. You, sir, are the true loser.”
Guy Who Simply Likes To Start Shit: “If you’re such a feminist, why are you bashing another woman? Having a healthy sexuality is not the same as being a (as you put it) ‘whore.'”
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: “Women should have healthy self-respect and not fawn all over any guy who looks at her twice. Just look at me! 35 and still a virgin! Why? I haven’t met the right guy yet.”
Chick Who Wants To Drive Traffic To Her Blog: “Also, I am running a contest. Go vote for me!!!!! [insert link to contest]”
Guy Who Simply Likes To Start Shit: “You’re a virgin because you still live at home with your Mom and her 45 cats. You probably have a “A Woman Needs A Man Like A Fish Needs A Bicycle” bumper sticker.”
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: Mr. Muppets and Mr. Sprinkles are the only things that make my world worth living. And so what about my bumper sticker? ARE YOU DISCRIMINATING AGAINST WOMEN?”
Guy Who Simply Likes To Start Shit: “I bet you’re ugly as hell.”
Girl Who Inappropriately Flirts With Everyone: “I’m pretty sure no man would dare stick his dick inside you. There’s prolly barbed wire in your vagina.”
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: “THIS IS AN ATTACK ON ALL WOMEN EVERYWHERE.”
Guy Who Comes Onto The Board Simply To Whine About His Life: “I’d LIKE to respond to your question about hedgehogs, but my dog just died, my mother has cancer, I just got laid off, and my girlfriend left me for my best friend.”
Guy Who Simply Likes To Start Shit: “I bet you’re ugly too.”
Girl Who Inappropriately Flirts With Everyone: “Poor baby – wanna come over here? I got a webcam!”
Ignorant Newbie Tries To Steer The Conversation Back: “Uh, sorry about your Mom. Do you know much about the media and hedgehogs?”
Girl Who Is So Deadpan It’s Hard To Tell If She’s Being Serious: “Do hedgehogs really like shiny rings?”
Ignorant Newbie: “Uh, no. That’s just a video game.”
Girl Who Is So Deadpan It’s Hard To Tell If She’s Being Serious: “That’s bullshit. Hedgehogs ARE all blue, right?”
Ignorant Newbie: “Uh, no. That’s just a video game.”
Girl Who Is So Deadpan It’s Hard To Tell If She’s Being Serious: “Now I can see why the media doesn’t give a shit about hedgehogs – they’re boring as hell.”
Asshole Guy Who Occasionally Comes Around Simply To Use Inappropriate Words: “U R A Fag. Who gives a shit about those stupid rodents, you fucking r*tard.”
Ignorant Newbie: “I’m uh, not gay – I’m married with three kids. And I take offense to you using the “r” word.”
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: “How DARE you use the word “fag!?!?!” You should be sued!!!!!!”
Asshole Guy Who Occasionally Comes Around Simply To Use Inappropriate Words: “Your wife is prolly a fag, too, assmuncher.”
Emo Teenager Who Whines About Her Life At Every Opportunity: “My life is so hard. My mom, like, makes me fucking go to school and shit. All I want to do is work at 7-11. I don’t need a GED for that. She’s such a bitch.”
Asshole Guy Who Occasionally Comes Around Simply To Use Inappropriate Words: “U R A Cunt.”
Girl Who Is So Deadpan It’s Hard To Tell If She’s Being Serious: “I cannot wait for you to find some new, enlightening words with which to bash us. Try Thesaurus.com.”
Forum Moderator: Asshole Guy Who Occasionally Comes Around Simply To Use Inappropriate Words has been banned.
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women And Is Now Self-Righteous: “I’ve also reported him to the police. I think using the r-word is illegal. I’m sending an email to his employer, his wife, and left a message on his Facebook.”
Ignorant Newbie Tries One More Time To Steer the Conversation Back: “So, uh, HEDGEHOGS anyone?”
*crickets*
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What am I missing here, Pranksters? I’ll be adding throughout the day.
This is why I don’t play video games. Wait, what are we talking about?
You forgot about Linky…the person who responds with links: Oh I just read about that here :www……..
Done. Shameless self-promoter has been added.
You’re also missing the moderator reiterating the rules of the forum & then the next three posts blatantly flaunting same rules.
DONE. Brilliant!
What about the married guy whose wife ‘just doesn’t understand him’?
Oh THAT guy. He’s been added to the forum.
As I write, my kid is watching Sonic on my laptop. Coincident? I think not. Fate? Yes.
I bet your kid would totally be all up in that forum 😉
Oh Becky this post almost made me spit my rice out from laughing! I rarely go on forums but when I have – I’ve seen each & every one of these people on there. You nailed it. Now back to those hedgehogs . . .And back to my rice bowl.
Bwahahaha. I feel like we’re missing some people.
You missed the editor who tells you you about all the typos–not that I would know anything bout that. 🙂
GOT IT!
What about those ads for millionaire dating websites?
Oooh! Good one!
Don’t forget the grammer bitches whose only joy in life is to point out other people’s typos… “there, their, they’re”
Added. I love that guy!
You’re also missing the guy who hooked up with the Girl Who Inappropriately Flirts with Everyone. He’s the one who likes to either post emo “sigh *sadface*” or who talks about how GWIFWE is a heartbreaking floozy not worth everybody’s time…after every single post she makes.
Bwahahahahahahaha. Added him.
Brilliant!!! Oh, wow, this is awesome. Dead on.
Poor little Ignorant Newbie. Why are hedgehogs so underrepresented in the media?
Oh, this is too funny- and sadly, true. Which is why forums scare me.
There’s always the person who says that they are tired of all the drama and they are leaving… but you can clearly see they continue to stalk the conversation.
Hilarious. And sadly accurate.
My favourite is always “This comment has been removed by the moderator” (which always makes me so damn curious as to how bad it really was…)
I hate that too! Flag it, but leave it…. ‘cuz I want to see why it was flagged/removed!
There’s the far-right guy who makes every subject about gun rights, taxes, and our socialist government. He seems to have a lot of free time.
I love this! And this is why I avoid forums – all true.
How about the elderly person who clicked on a link and somehow ended up there, not knowing anything about what is going on. Like, a grandmother thinks she is sending an email to her grandchild, but ends up on an open forum, b/c she doesn’t know how the internet works… I saw something like that once. Poor lady…
You are brilliant. 🙂 This totally made me LOL and then wonder which forum demographic I fall into…
There is also the conspiracy theorist who says their comment was deleted (even though there is no record of it) and then proceeds to complain about the moderators for three posts. He also puts up links to threads that are three years old to demonstrate other places his posts were magically removed because they are trying to control his free speech.
I would love to see a hedgehog or a beaver eat a kumquat.
I love the guy that blames the president for everything!
lol, me too. That cracks me up. I like to throw in “It’s all Roosevelt’s fault” in the comments section of Yahoo stories.
I dont do forums anymore, but I used to be GIRL Who Simply Likes To Start Shit. I also used to use the word looser just to piss off “Self-Proclaimed Grammar Nazi”. It was fun at the time lol.
What about the girl who always has to jump in and defend the most controversial person on the forum. She always claims they’re good friends (even though they’ve only commented on the same forums) and her “friend” would never do or say _____. She’s just being attacked by everyone here.
Hahahah this is why I don’t spend a lot of time on forums. The “check the archives” guy pisses me off a LOT for some reason. Don’t act so superior because you’ve been hanging around an INTERNET FORUM longer than other people.
I’ve never been on an internet forum but we have very similar “types” at academic conferences who serve on discussion panels. That’s why I never go to academic conferences anymore.
HOwever, I have had a hedgehog as a pet and they really are cute. If you want to see them they appear in British children’s stories pretty often.
there needs to be a picture of you next to a sign saying ‘NAILED IT MOTHERFUCKER!’
x
How about Sneaky Spammer who really tries to make it sound like they are commenting on the topic, yet there is a link to their spam in their sig line.
And the person who complains about another forum member being a whiny drama queen, while all the while being a whiny drama queen themselves.
And the spambot that is obviously a bot and not an actual human.
(Can you tell I spend a lot of time on forums? 🙂
I love this so much!!! I wish I could Google +2 it!
Good work, Becky!
🙂
Genius. Absolutely genius.
[…] Ask Aunt Becky « Anatomy Of A Forum, By Aunt Becky Four Out of Five People Think This Blog Sucks! I spent a good deal of time yesterday […]
I loved loved that. I feel like you got everything except perhaps someone whose the expert on anything and rights a long ass thesis to respond to the original question.
LMFAO!!
Yep, you’ve done a fine job of nailing it; the internet forum experience I mean, lol..
Another (not) favorite of mine is the asshole who demands, “a source and link to source you are using to back it up please!” this is in response to your post that was your OPINION, and you didn’t include the appropriate IMO to reflect ‘in my opinion’…..
It looks like I am not the only person who’s admitting they’ve spent way too much time in the universe of batshit craaaaazy that internet forums can be…on the other hand, I have to admit that I met my BFF of nearly ten years now on an internet forum…..I know, LAME. But it’s true…and yes, I have friends in real life, but she really is my best friend, but she lives in CA, I live in OH–and we did abandon the forum, now I just spend a lot of time on the phone with her and we usually can swing a visit once a year. Recently I got a new laptop with a webcam so we’ve also embraced web chats. My 8 year old daughter is also embracing that world, and that fucking SCARES me. Meaning, I have complete control of her internet usage NOW—but there will come a time when apparently I have to afford her privacy and shit….sigh…Luckily my older daughters (who are 23 & 24) didnt have web chatting etc available in their teen years, I have a feeling I wouldnt have a hair left if they had access to that shit back in the day!