Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

An Open Letter To My Television Husbands


My Dearest Darling Dexter, Dr. House, Anthony Bourdain, et. all,*

Dexter, remember just this past winter, when I had the swine flu and you helped me make cupcakes? That was probably one of the most romantic things anyone has ever done for me in years. Except okay, there was that guy who helped me put my groceries in my cart AND THEN HE HELD THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME because motherfucking chivalry isn’t DEAD.

Sure, okay you’re a vigilante serial killer and I like the IDEA of killing people and “serial” is ALMOST like “cereal” and I could write massive tomes about my love of cereal. And maybe I am too cheap to have gotten Showtime to watch your forth season, but know that I tweeted ANGRILY at the stupid fucking New York Times Blogger who insulted your hat.

And you, Dr. House, your Vicodin-popping ways made me fall in love with you every Monday night. PLUS, I use your show as a way to use my medical knowledge to feel smugly superior to upwards of two toddlers and a host of houseplants. I am often way ahead of your team when I diagnose your patient for you. (P.S. It’s never lupus or perineoplastic syndrome)(except when it is)(that, my friends, is medicine for you) and then I feel very lofty and important.

Mr. Bourdain, while you can say words like “pube” on national television and are snarky enough to make my girl bits jiggle with glee, I have a feeling you’d take my steady diet of Uncrustables and Diet Coke personally. But call me, we can can wear matching BFF necklaces because I sort of want to follow you around everywhere you go and see if you really are always that awesome. If you are, I’m going to admit that I’ll be VERY jealous.

THEN, I might have to sic Dexter on you.

But, gentlemen, while we may always have our nights of the week together, I am afraid that I have found someone else that has captured my heart. While trolling Craig’s List for love porn missed connections a new couch**, I found my new boyfriend.

(please click to enlarge. But don’t get any ideas. He’s mine)

Now, see, he KNOWS that I won’t mind if things get a little weird, because with me they’re ALWAYS a little weird. I mean, I’m AUNT BECKY, bitch! And while I normally can only handle 3.5 minutes on a bucking bronco, baby, for you, I’ll hold out for four.

I’ve never cried after sex, baby, unless it was really bad, but I’m planning to collect your tears and weave them into a throw rug. We can lay on it while we watch The Notebook. Then I will run my hands through your heart-shaped chest hair and thank GOD we’re together.


But since you posted this in February and according to my faulty mathematics it’s been like a year or three, I am afraid some other vixen may have snatched you up. You’re clearly a catch that no woman could pass up. So I am posting my OWN Craig’s List ad.

Are You The Cheese To My Macaroni? Wait, That Came Out Wrong.

THINGS I LIKE IN A MAN…Not a sex offender and can preferably recite the entire opening monologue from Men In Black II. Enjoys frying bacon naked. Can handle upwards of 6-12 hours talking about my feelings and what they mean to you.

THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF…I dislike talking about my feelings, bacon and Men In Black II. I enjoy lustily holding hands, abusing prescription narcotics and giving blue balls. If you ever talk about cuddling, I will punch you in the throat….No pic, no reply. Also, shaved balls are a must.


I’m pretty sure the replies will be rolling in.

*at the risk of making me sound like a hugemongous slutbag who puts out for her fake television husbands.

**Fidget sent it to me.

67 Comments to

“An Open Letter To My Television Husbands”

  1. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:57 am Ms. Moon Says:

    I think you better dance with the one that brung ya.

  2. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:59 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Yes. And more.

  3. On March 15th, 2010 at 9:03 am Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    I’m applying.

  4. On March 15th, 2010 at 9:06 am KeepingYouAwake Says:

    Frying bacon nekkid?!?!? You’d totally burn your nips. Good luck finding the guy that does that, I’d start at the hospital, searching for band-aid dents in the shirts of all you pass.

  5. On March 15th, 2010 at 9:49 am avasmommy Says:

    My eyes have been permanently damaged by that picture. If I didn’t loooove you so much I’d be calling a lawyer. 😉

  6. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:52 am phd in yogurtry Says:

    You are going to have an onslought of replies with that one. Especially the part about feelings.

  7. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:58 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I can only imagine that replies are filling my inbox as we speak.

  8. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:55 am Cara Says:

    Oh my Aunt Becky. He’s a looker. I didn’t even notice the heart shapes on his chest and abdomen until you pointed it out.

    I will fight you to the death!!!

  9. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:58 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, woman, don’t you be getting any ideas!

  10. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:56 am robert Says:

    At times like these words fail me

  11. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:59 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Trust me. The word you’re thinking of is “amazing.”

  12. On March 19th, 2010 at 7:30 am MamaCas Says:

    I was thinking “dead sexxxy”…..a la Austin Powers.

  13. On March 15th, 2010 at 9:00 am Paige Says:

    Wow. “cries after sex”… You can’t make shit like that up.

  14. On March 15th, 2010 at 9:02 am Dora Says:

    Mmmmmm, bacon! 😉

  15. On March 15th, 2010 at 9:06 am Suzie Says:

    I have a very serious aversion to body hair so, while I go throw up and rinse my eyes out with bleach… have fun with that.

  16. On March 15th, 2010 at 9:07 am Patty Punker Says:

    he is super fly! i bet ya he bedazzles his balls but if he put that in the CL ad, the server would go down from the flood of replies.

    you crack my ass up, yo. : )

  17. On March 15th, 2010 at 10:03 pm cathyjoy Says:

    that would match your bedazzled vajayjay!!! NICE…

  18. On March 15th, 2010 at 10:11 am Elly Lou Says:

    “Lustily holding hands” made me feel like I was reading a young romance novel. So obviously I must now spend the entire day trolling the tween section of the library. Damnit.

  19. On March 15th, 2010 at 9:11 am Kelly Says:

    Have you seen your husband Anthony Bourdain on Yo Gabba Gabba yet?

  20. On March 15th, 2010 at 9:23 am SuperMommie Says:

    If he has a brother, well, I guess I’ll go out with him. Oh, make sure he’s been married at least 4 times and has 6 kids all under the age of 4.

  21. On March 15th, 2010 at 9:38 am Doc Says:

    I want to answer that ad… LOL

  22. On March 15th, 2010 at 10:06 am Stacey Says:

    This has nothing to do with your post (which was great as always), but I was grocery shopping yesterday and found myself in the frozen food section. I passed by the Uncrustables and started searching to see if they had any plain peanut butter ones. Now, mind you, I don’t mind some jelly with my peanut butter. Anyway, I recalled your preference for jellyless Uncrustables. They didn’t have any, but they had whole wheat ones with strawberry jelly. Whole wheat? I realize that the entire world is on a health craze, but do you really eat Uncrustables for their health benefits? That’s like drinking the caffeine free diet mountain dew I saw the other day. What’s the point?

    Oh, they also had grilled cheese uncrustables. They may be ok, but rethawing frozen cheese doesn’t sound like a good thing to me.

  23. On March 15th, 2010 at 10:09 am Gloria Says:

    How can you put a skull and cross bones on the Daver? Are you going to make the Daver grow his hair long like your new 4 minute dude?

  24. On March 15th, 2010 at 10:20 am PeteInAz Says:

    “shaved balls are a must.”

    I don’t have to wax ’em… do I?

  25. On March 15th, 2010 at 6:48 pm Melissa Says:

    The pubes come in softer if you do. That said, you may die on the spot from the pain.

  26. On March 15th, 2010 at 11:20 am soccermom Says:

    Yeah, I think I might stand clear of any man who shaves hearts into his chest hair. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

  27. On March 15th, 2010 at 10:25 am Bianca Says:

    We might have to throw down; because Bourdain is mine…
    Hold on while I take off my earrings.

  28. On March 15th, 2010 at 10:45 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    I love how he’s sticking his gut out instead of sucking it in. It’s like he’s proud of all the time and effort it took to get his gut like that. RAWR!

  29. On March 15th, 2010 at 10:53 am Melissa Says:

    Oh to run my fingers through his long greasy hair… But alas, my arms are not long enough to make it all the way through. Can you get lice on your fingers?

  30. On March 15th, 2010 at 11:26 am Ginger Magnolia Says:

    So, aside from the horrible picture, he admits to being a small-dicked minute-man. Nothing will make the girls come a-runnin’ like that.

  31. On March 15th, 2010 at 11:32 am Mystern Says:

    Haha, his hair reminds me of mine. I don’t have a happy trail girls, I’ve got a fucking happy field! (good think my wife is awesome enough to handle that)

  32. On March 15th, 2010 at 12:17 pm joann Mannix Says:

    Is that Bo Bice? I think you’ve got a winner there, Becky! Any man who’s confident enough to brag about his small equipment is a real man. You’re so lucky. I hope The Daver is an understanding man.

    Oh, just a fabulous, fabulous post!

  33. On March 15th, 2010 at 12:37 pm Ed Says:

    Wait, they made a Men In Black 2? Time to slip out of this bright red suit, fry up some bacon, masturbate for 3:30, shave my hairline back another 3 inches and search Netflix on the computer!

  34. On March 15th, 2010 at 1:12 pm Rebecca Says:

    The Daver is so cute, even with the skull and crossbones over his face. Love the photo of you too.

    And your craigslist boyfriend. Wow…..he’s something else. Can’t wait to hear the stories from this one.

  35. On March 15th, 2010 at 4:36 pm Nancy Says:

    What would make this a lot easier for you would be to have a gay TV husband. May I suggest Andy Cohen from Bravo?

  36. On March 15th, 2010 at 3:51 pm existentialwaitress Says:

    First of all, I’m loving this: “are snarky enough to make my girl bits jiggle with glee.” I dig it.

    Second of all, seeing as how you hate talking about your feelings, and threaten violence at the mere suggestion of cuddling, I’m wondering if you might be persuaded to become MY girlfriend?

  37. On March 15th, 2010 at 4:11 pm Jenn Says:

    That is HILARIOUS.

  38. On March 15th, 2010 at 5:24 pm Kate Says:

    Holy. Mother. of. *hurk**snicker*

    *dashes off to post on CL*

  39. On March 15th, 2010 at 7:05 pm Badass Geek Says:

    Now the world knows what Simon Cowell looks like when he takes off his human suit.

  40. On March 15th, 2010 at 6:39 pm Sharon Says:

    Jee. sus. The hearts. If I hadn’t already been a lesbian, I would be now.

  41. On March 16th, 2010 at 6:59 am Ed Says:

    Dude, I think he turned me into one, too.

  42. On March 15th, 2010 at 6:42 pm Jennifer Says:

    Best laugh of the day. And, ew.

  43. On March 15th, 2010 at 6:47 pm Barbara Says:

    Did he really shave hearts into his chest hair??? OMG he did.

  44. On March 15th, 2010 at 6:48 pm Tracie Says:

    I think my BFF dated him the summer after graduation. And by dated I mean she had sex with him in a bar bathroom. But she did it more than once so it was meaningful.

  45. On March 15th, 2010 at 7:51 pm Kristin Says:


  46. On March 15th, 2010 at 7:59 pm gypsygrrl Says:

    i’m a little sorry i’m a lesbian.
    lucky for you, i am…or i’d be after your man!!!

  47. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:09 pm Sadie at heyMamas Says:

    Once again, you rock. Loved this post. but who the hell would make fun of Dexter? The freaking guy had cancer.

    And if you didn’t see season four, YOU HAVE TO! The last show of the season blew me and my husband away. Literally.

    Sadie at heyMamas

  48. On March 15th, 2010 at 9:17 pm Brahm Says:

    Holy crap. That is all I can say… HOLY CRAP.

  49. On March 15th, 2010 at 11:32 pm carissa Says:

    While your new boyfriend IS a hottie hahhahaha I’ll still fight you for Dexter. Yumm—-eeeeee

  50. On March 16th, 2010 at 3:35 am Gulliver Says:

    Dear Aunt Becky,

    I feel that this is an appropriate time to tell you, but TV Uncle Dexter and I have been having an affair. It pains me to say it, but I am glad that it is over between you to; the whole TV incest thing may me look white trash, and I’m going for a shabby chic thing at the moment, but not TOO shabby, you know? Anyway, lay off my man or I’ll set his skinny little sister on you and she’ll go all bad cop on yo ass.

    Maybe you and Mr Craigslist can braid your hair together, paint yourselves blue and pretend you’re both Navi doing that mind link thing. That would be totally hot.

    TV Uncles House and Alain, you may keep, and I wish you years of TV happiness.



  51. On March 16th, 2010 at 4:16 am Wicked Shawn Says:

    Did that say “ride this buckin bronco for 4 minutes”??? I mean, even in bull riding they only require like 8 seconds……and WTF do I know that??!! He’s simply asking too much. I think you will need a partner to handle him. Tag me in, I will be your back up, when this obvious sex god becomes too much for one woman to handle.

  52. On March 16th, 2010 at 5:54 am inannasstar Says:

    I’m with you on the narcotic prescriptions ; )

    You’ve been tagged on my blog gorgeous girl.

  53. On March 16th, 2010 at 6:29 am Kendra Says:

    Because I am a huge nerd, my favorite part of that ad was that he is brimming with “sexapeal,” which is my new favorite word.

  54. On March 16th, 2010 at 7:32 am Minnie Says:

    Dude, just an eff-why-eye, hands off House. He’s mine.

    Moving on…I think you should contact the Sex God and ask him how he feels about bedazzeling his chest.

  55. On March 16th, 2010 at 9:00 am subWOW Says:

    I threw up in my mouth! But then you posted a picture of yourself, that made the world a little bit better.

  56. On March 16th, 2010 at 9:14 am Liz in Virginia Says:

    I think I would respond to your Craig’s List ad before I would respond to his — although it would be close!

  57. On March 16th, 2010 at 10:21 am Beautiful Mess Says:

    I’m fucking crying, I’m laughing so hard! I saw that picture when you posted it on Twitter and had to change my panties right away! He is one yummy man! Although, I’d dumb his hair ass (?) for a date with Anthony. Even if it’s to just follow him around and inhale his second hand smoke *dreamy sigh*

  58. On March 16th, 2010 at 11:32 am Ali Says:

    Made my day.

  59. On March 16th, 2010 at 5:59 pm fidget Says:

    when i showed you his pic, it was to claim him- not encourage you to try and swoop in Jerry Springer style. I’m fittin to cut a bitch now!

  60. On March 16th, 2010 at 8:02 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bitch, I will kick you in the vagina.

  61. On March 17th, 2010 at 12:03 am GingerB Says:

    I would get vedazzled for a man who would fry bacon naked, obviously. And if he served it with a cheese sandwich? I could not, not, contain myself.

  62. On March 17th, 2010 at 1:11 am baseballmom Says:

    baaacooonnnnnn. and? OH> MY> GOD> i’ve never seen anything like that dude. wtf.

  63. On March 17th, 2010 at 11:28 am Regina Says:

    I think I would cry after sex with him too! I just hope I am never that drunk!

  64. On March 19th, 2010 at 5:39 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:


  65. On March 20th, 2010 at 7:58 am mumma boo Says:

    OMG. I can’t decide if I’m gonna hurl or wet myself from laughing first.

  66. On July 7th, 2010 at 6:18 am Jennifer C Says:

    OMG Nauseatingly hysterical. Seriously DYING over here!

  67. On February 13th, 2011 at 6:45 pm ATP Says:

    I know I’m a bit late on this one but I feel the need to clear my name.

    “Mr. Craiglist” is me, or rather, that is a picture of me.

    However, I did not post that ad.

    I live in Jersey, not Minnesota. That may be a sigh of relief to some, and nightmares to others.

    I will admit, I had a good laugh along with many of the women here who found that photo “repulsive”. Thanks. Thanks alot ladies.

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